The Hell Outta Here

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THOH3
Conceptual schematic for The Hell Outta Here. (To scale.)

The Hell Outta Here is an enormous weapon of mass destruction, famous for its firepower and size. It is large enough to fire ammunition twice its size and can turn a small moon into space dust with a near miss, yet a normal adventurer can carry it comfortably on his or her back. Simply by holding this weapon in their hands, even the scrawniest and/or lamest nerd, geek, loser, emo, EDer, or American president can undergo the transformation into a war machine. Currently Iraq the United States Soviet Russia is in the only existing version of the gun.

The weapon

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A small pewter miniature of The Hell Outta Here.

The Hell Outta Here is quite possibly the most powerful extreme-range superweapon known to man. Because of its ability to be transported and fired by one person, it is also the strongest mobile artillery piece in the world. It has ground-to-air, air-to-ground, air-to-air, ground-to-ground, planet-to-planet, and orbital target settings. It can fire bullets, shells (explosive and non), missiles, torpedoes, bombs, and even lasers, depending on the type of shot required. Its fire is devastating against all forms of matter, from the lowly fire hydrant to final bosses to small, random, annoying monsters.

Despite its obvious uses, The Hell Outta Here has its share of shortcomings. It is difficult to maintain/clean due to its vast size. Specially trained teams of technicians must periodically maintain the gun, using the ultra-strong Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ices as a cleansing/lubricating agent. The Hell Outta Here also only fires one shot before disappearing; generally, however, one shot is more than enough.

The Hell Outta Here will appear before its user under any one of the following conditions:

  • When they are ordered to "get the hell outta here" in an argument, bar fight, flamewar, courtroom, or strip club by someone else;
  • When they order themselves to "get the hell outta here"; however, this usually backfires, as the wielder then must shoot him- or herself;
  • When the plot calls for it.

History

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Alderaan's destruction by The Hell Outta Here.

The concept of a peerless superweapon of death has been around ever since there was someone to hate. Some famous conquerors and leaders, such as Napoleon and Columbus, have mentioned that their conquests would have been much easier had they possessed a weapon such as The Hell Outta Here. Sadly, none of the ancient emperors possessed the technology to even fully imagine The Hell Outta Here; it's simply too large. Fortunately for their descendants, however, the dream was soon not just a dream, but awe-inspiring reality.

The first functional prototype for a practical large-scale weapon of this caliber was constructed in 1977 by George Lucas and leased to the Galactic Empire. After the weapon's first debut, several countries raced to develop weapons similar to The Hell Outta Here; hence the arms race of the 1980's. The nuclear missile was the closest anyone ever came, and newspaper reports about the incident around the world cited the results of the arms race to be "highly disappointing."

More recently, members of Uncyclopedia used the concept of The Hell Outta Here to build their award-winning list of weapons that don't exist, but should.

Firepower

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Did you know...
...that The Hell Outta Here runs on energy collected from Cat-Toast Devices and other Uncyclopedia in-jokes?

Due to the mass of The Hell Outta Here, being pistol-whipped by the butt causes instant asplosion. Its use is considered one of the most horrific executions known to man, reserved only for sadistic world dictators. When The Hell Outta Here is fired, the kickback is strong enough to reverse the rotation of the Earth; every once in a while, some school kid takes advantage of this extra day to do their homework. It is capable of matching other superweapons such as the Galaxy Bazooka, the Mana Cannon, and the Moonstone Cannon in firepower. Oh, and it can almost kill a Grue.

Examples of Use

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Alas, Porchesia. We hardly knew ye.
  • In September 2006, a small island nation known as Porchesia was annihilated without warning. The government responsible for the holocaust claimed that its weapon of choice had been a mouse, wielded by Sir Danny the Almighty. Rumors continue to circulate today, however, that The Hell Outta Here was the cause of the destruction.
  • The Hell Outta Here was blamed for the destruction of the World Trade Center, as the public believed that only The Hell Outta Here could deliver such firepower. (Live airplanes were also the "choice" ammunition at the time.) However, the accusations were dropped when it was discovered that The Hell Outta Here had been busy with preparations for the next supernova.
  • In a notable battle of The Great Aspie War of Ought Six, General Napoleon Assburger was forced to retreat when Uncyclopedians finally brought The Hell Outta Here online, and loaded it with extreme sarcasm and cold logic. Following the barrage of unmatched wit, a Steel-Plated Banhammer was used to full effect.

See Also

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