The Heavy

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On Nom Nom Moist and Delicious!

“Put Dispenser Here.”
~ The Heavy
“It's a Russian me!”
~ Gabe Newell
“He's not from my country.”

The Heavy is a sophisticated Russian moron. Often charging into battle with no more than a minigun and sandvich. It's his dumb being that had made him so successful to the entirety of the PC game Team Fortress 2. Defending with 8 other mercenaries. Valve has a character that would launch their game into being #1 Free to Play game on Steam. The Heavy is no doubt the strongest playable mercenary in Team Fortress 2. Heavy's minigun allows him to blow enemies away like Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The Heavy is no doubtingly slow but can eat raw steak and run very fast, or wear the gloves of running urgently. The Heavy is voiced by Gary Schwartz who is sexy. Team Fortress 2 really has no lore - It tries to, but is ultimately just a huge fight over property.

Early Life

The heavy was not always adorable. He was born as "Pootis Spencer" October 9th, 1963 in Moscow Russia to Maria & Boris Spencer during the Cold War. His father went to battle, leaving him and his mother to take care of their self. He attended Bunderslav School District where he learned about black holes and low tides. He didn't have any friends and played table tennis in the basement. He spent a lot of his time observing his mother and that is where he learned to make a sandvich. 2 pieces of white bread, Vegetables, Meat, and Cheese. Cheese was hard to find in this time as the success rate of cows living was very low. Many cows would die in the cold nights. Pootis often had nightmares of cows trampling his house, and for this he cannot stand the wooden cow cut out on Team Flatulence 2. One day he found a friend....

Maria: Honey, can you go to the store and grab me some milk, butter, and cheese?

Pootis: Very well.

  • Maria Gives Money
  • Pootis is out the door and walking to the market.
  • Pootis sees a shy looking little boy with a dunce hat walking on the other side of the road

Pootis: You! Yes You!

Little Boy: ....What? Who are you?

Pootis: I am heavy weapons guy.

Little Boy: Oh hi, It's nice to meet you. I'm Ethan.

Pootis: Very Well.

From that moment forward those two boys grew up together. They would constantly hang out together, they were like Spongebob and Patrick. Peanut Butter and Jelly, Macaroni and Cheese! Okay I think you get the idea. They acted out Old Western Shootings. It is this where Pootis learned to shoot invisible bullets out of his hand and talk like John Wayne.

The Trip to America

Pootis was soon a grown man, 18 years of age. He wanted to go to America because he heard life was so much better there. He couldn't afford a plane or anything fancy. He had to go the complicated way. Pootis told his only friend Ethan he was going and he gave him his dunce hat. Pootis began his adventure by giving his mother a goodbye hug. He ventured off in the only direction he knew best. East towards Canada. He found a railroad track and hoped it would bring him somewhere useful. After waiting for a few hours a train came by. Without hesitation he jumped on and was on his way. Inside the train cart was some hay, grain, and a lantern. He slid the door shut and took a nap on the hay. Little did he know he was heading on the midnight train going anywhere. He woke up when a couple of mice ran over his body. It was still dark and the train was stopped. He looked out to see he was in a train station unloading carts. He quickly slipped out and ran across the yard without being seen. He walked down a dark road with only the stars giving him light. He wondered if maybe his mother looked at the same ones. His stomach was growling and he longed for food. After 3 hours of walking in the dark and covering 20 miles the sun came up for him to see a large city in the distance. He walked another mile and seen a sign that read "Westlich Deustchland" Pootis knew some German from his grandma and was able to recall the word for dinner. He hung out in Germany for a few weeks, long enough to witness the Berlin Wall fall. He picked up some of the rubble for safe keeping. Pootis walked into a bar where he meet a scottish bearded man who was drunk beyond belief. The man said "Yarr I'm the best damn sailor in these seas.. My names captain Garrrrrett." Pootis told him his story then asked if he could get a ride to America. Captain said yes but he'll have to gather his men. They agreed and within a few hours were setting for America while everyone rushed to Germany to catch a glyph of the revolutions. It took 34 days to reach America's shores but they did it. The Scottish sailor and the Russia guy both stayed in New York, while the captains brother took the ship back home.

Happy New Years!

It is 1980 just hours before the ball drops and 1981 begins. Pootis goes to time square to look at such a magnificent sight. It's something hes never seen before. It was being hosted by the very sexy Daisy Duke. One minute before the ball drops the lights black out. Pootis thought it was a counterattack from home. The ball dropped and 1981 began. Pootis seen many strangers on the street and a neat array of shadows coming from the street lights. After it was all said and done, Pootis went to his hotel and being that the hotel only allowed 2 per room he bunked with nigulus maximus destroyer of KFC Buckets otherwise known as the Demoman.

Time to get series, maybe

Pootis needed work and that was no joke, but where should he work? He could be a truck driver, or a fishing charter with his drunk nigger. He walked around town and comes across a flyer in front of a bank which needs a news reporter. So he calls Charles & Sons News and does that and is told to report to Detroit, and happens to meet Steve Perry from Journey and tells him his story. Later on that man made a song called "Don't Stop Believing" that led Pootis through some tough times. Pootis works for 15 long years he finally has enough money to go back home when the war is over. He decides to go West back home. He goes to the Detroit Airport and gets a ticket back to Moscow. Boarding the place went smoothly, he packed away many novelties he will bring back home such as diabetes in a jar (this can be seen in a tiny poach on his left thigh.)

Trip back to the motherland

Pootis' plane ride goes smooth, but once he reaches the Pacific ocean a flock of geese attacked the right motor. The plane tilts hard to right and there is no doubt they're in trouble. Everyone in the plane was yelling and screaming, this is where Pootis learned to yell very loud "INCOMING!" Everyone got quiet and the plane hit the ocean. They all wanted to wait for the helicopter to show up but Pootis was desperate to get back home. He took the closest raft and set sail and followed the current. He was out for 10 hours and dealt with nasty tides. He was lonesome out on the sea. It was this time he thought of his sailor friend and the tricks he taught him. Pootis finally had a break in tides and was able to fall asleep after whacking a load. Next day he wakes up on a shore with spy crabs all over. He brushes the seamen off of himself and begins walking up the shore and into the land. He follows a road, thinking he's in Russia. He gets a ride in the back of an old Ford truck to a town called Kirkland.

Getting in the game

Pootis soon discovers he was still in America with the smooth landscape. He wandered the streets looking for some sort of way home, but there were no trains or airports. He was a sad man, who put on thick muscle from the sea voyage. He saw an ad that needed a heavy lifter for non specified reasons. He took the offer and called Gabe Newell. Gabe needed help moving a very large computer. It would take at least 40 trips to move it around to his own house. The heavy lifter agreed to and begin work. When the computer was finally assembled and firing, the heavy lifter was still inside the machine. It spun around him and uploaded him to the actual hard drive. He took up 250 KB of information (What? He wasn't very smart) Gabe didn't notice this small usage of /C/ Drive and thought it was lucky he didn't have to pay him. The heavy lifter soon wasn't a lifter anymore and begin just calling himself The Heavy as it fit him well. Gabe could now begin work on the official Team Fortress Classic. The Heavy was incapable of doing anything in the computer, so when Gabe was off, he begin working on drawing himself and being a person of power. It took him many lonesome nights. He finally created his own file named Heavy.wdt and wft and his friends. They were accidentally uploaded into the mod but due to popular demand were kept. Gabe looked into the files and seen the items he had in his backpack. He gave The Heavy The 'Beetus with overlord Wilford Brimley's command, turned the Berlin wall rubble into the Iron Curtain, and gave him a voice, and a sandwich.

Pass times

The Heavy was sitting in a bar with the Demoman. Nickelback walks in. There is no pun. Ruining music isn't funny.

The Heavy made a Justin Bieber Baby Parody with Scoutacris which actually isn't too bad.

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