The Heavy

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

On Nom Nom Moist and Delicious!

“Put Dispenser Here.”
~ The Heavy
“He's not from my country.”

The Heavy is a sophisticated Russian moron. Often charging into battle with no more than a minigun and sandvich. It's his dumb being that had made him so successful to the entirety of the PC game Team Fortress 2. Defending with 8 other mercenaries. Valve has a character that would launch their game into being #1 Free to Play game on Steam. The Heavy is no doubt the strongest playable mercenary in Team Fortress 2. Heavy's minigun allows him to blow enemies away like Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The Heavy is no doubtingly slow, but can eat shit that makes him run fast. The Heavy is voiced by Gary Schwartz who is very fucking sexy. Team Fortress 2 has no lore, but plenty of hats.

edit Early Life

The heavy was not always adorable. He was born as "Pootis Spencer" October 9th, 1963 in Moscow Russia to Maria & Boris Spencer during the Cold War. His father went to battle, leaving him and his mother to take care of their self. He attended Bunderslav School District where he learned about black holes and low tides. He didn't have any friends and often found himself playing table tennis in the basement. He thought there had to be a better way of living. He spent a lot of his time observing his mother and that is where he learned to make a sandwich. 2 pieces of white bread, Vegetables, Meat, and Cheese. Cheese was hard to find in this time as the success rate of cows living was very low. Many cows would die in the cold nights. Pootis often had nightmares of cows trampling his house, which led him to become a mature man at a very young age.

One day he found a friend....

Maria: Honey, can you go to the store and grab me some milk, butter, and cheese?

Pootis: Very well.

  • Maria Gives Money
  • Pootis is out the door and walking to the market.
  • Pootis sees a shy looking little boy with a dunce hat walking on the other side of the road

Pootis: You! Yes You!

Little Boy: ....What? Who are you?

Pootis: I am heavy weapons guy.

Little Boy: Oh hi, It's nice to meet you. I'm Ethan.

Pootis: Very Well.

From that moment forward those two boys grew up together. They would constantly hang out together, they were like Spongebob and Patrick. Peanut Butter and Jelly, Macaroni and Cheese! Okay I think you get the idea. They acted out Old Western Shootings. It is this where Pootis learned to shoot invisible bullets out of his hand and talk like Clint Eastwood.

edit The Trip to America

Pootis was soon a grown man, 18 years of age. He wanted to go to America because he heard life was so much better there. He couldn't afford a plane or anything fancy. He had to go the complicated way. Pootis told his only friend Ethan he was going and he gave him his dunce hat as a parting gift. Pootis began his adventure by giving his mother a goodbye hug. He ventured off in the only direction he knew best. East towards Canada. He found a railroad track and hoped it would bring him somewhere useful. After waiting for a few hours a train came by. Without hesitation he jumped on and was on his way. Inside the train cart was some hay, grain, and a lantern. He slid the door shut and took a nap on the hay. Little did he know he was heading on the midnight train going anywhere. He woke up when the train grew quiet. It was still dark and the train had stopped. He looked out and saw he was in a train unloading yard. He quickly slipped out and ran across the yard without being seen. He walked down a dark road with only the stars giving him light. He wondered if maybe his mother looked at the same ones. His stomach was growling and he longed for food. After 3 hours of walking in the dark and covering 20 miles the sun came up for him to see a large city in the distance. He walked another mile and seen a sign that read "Westlich Deustchland" Pootis knew some German from his grandma and was able to recall the word for dinner. He hung out in Germany for a few weeks, long enough to witness the Berlin Wall fall. He picked up some of the rubble for safe keeping. Pootis walked into a bar where he meet a scottish bearded man who was drunk beyond belief. The man said "Yarr I'm the best damn sailor in these seas.. My names captain Garrrrrett." Pootis told him his story then asked if he could get a ride to America. Captain said yes but he'll have to gather his men. They agreed and within a few hours were setting for America while everyone rushed to Germany to catch a glyph of the revolutions. It took 34 days to reach America's shores but they did it. The Scottish sailor and the Russia guy both stayed in New York, while the captains brother led the US coast guard on a chase.

edit Happy New Years!

It was 1980, just hours before the ball drops and 1981 begins. Pootis went to time square to look at such a magnificent sight. It's something hes never seen before. It was hosted by the very sexy Daisy Duke. One minute before the ball drops the lights black out. Pootis thought it was an air raid back from home as a loud rumbling was heard, but it turned out to just be some bad chili dogs - ouch! The ball dropped and 1981 began. Pootis saw many strangers on the street, and a neat array of shadows coming from the street lights as people walking about. After it was all said and done, Pootis went to his hotel and being that the hotel only allowed 2 per room he bunked with nigulus maximus destroyer of KFC Buckets otherwise known as the Demoman.

edit Time to get series, maybe

Pootis needed work and that was no joke, but where should he work? He could be a truck driver, or a fishing charter with his drunk nigger soul mate. He walked around town and came across a flyer in front of a store which needs a news reporter. So he calls Charles & Sons News, he reported to Detroit, and happens to meet Steve Perry from Journey and tells him his life story. Later on that man went and made a song called "Don't Stop Believing" that led me through some tough times. Pootis works for 15 long years he finally had enough money to go back home when the war is over. He decides to go West back home. He goes to the Detroit Airport and gets a ticket back to Moscow. Boarding the place went smoothly, he packed away many novelties he brought with him liquid diabetes in a jar (this can be seen in a tiny poach on his left thigh.)

edit Trip back to the Motherland

Pootis' plane ride goes smooth, but once he reaches the Pacific ocean a flock of geese attacked the right motor while shouting "I AM THE LAW." The plane tilts hard to right and there is no doubt they're in trouble. Everyone in the plane was yelling and screaming, this is where Pootis learned to yell very loud "INCOMING!" Everyone got quiet and the plane hit the ocean. They all wanted to wait for the helicopter to show up but Pootis was desperate to get back home. He took the closest piece of rubble and floated with the current. He was out for 10 hours and dealt with nasty tides. He was lonesome out on the sea. It was this time he thought of his sailor friend and the stories he told him. Pootis finally had a break in tides and was able to fall asleep after whacking a load, making the salty water just that much more saltier. Next day he wakes up on a shore with spy crabs all over. He brushes the seamen off of himself and begins walking up the shore and into the land. He follows a road, thinking he's in Russia. He gets a ride in the back of an old Ford truck to a town called Kirkland.

edit Getting in the Game

Pootis soon discovers he was still in America with the smooth landscape, fake tits, and general assholly atmosphere. He wandered the streets looking for some sort of way home, but there were no trains or airports. He was a sad man, who put on thick muscles from the midnight 'beat yo meat' fest. He saw an ad that needed a heavy lifter for non specified reasons. He took the offer and called Gabe Newell. Gabe needed help moving a very large computer that would soon host the first closed test of Team Flatulence. It would take at least 5 trips to move the pieces around to his Microsoft sandbox. The heavy lifter agreed to and begin work. When the computer was finally assembled and firing, the heavy lifter was still inside the machine. It spun around him and uploaded him to the actual hard drive. He took up 250 KB of information (What? He wasn't very smart) Gabe didn't notice this small usage of /C/ Drive and thought it was lucky he didn't have to pay him. The heavy lifter soon wasn't a lifter anymore and begin just calling himself The Heavy as it fit him well. Gabe could now begin working on customizing the existing Team Fortress mod for Half Alive 1. The Heavy was incapable of doing anything while Gabe was on the computer, so when Gabe was off, he begin working on drawing himself and being a person of existence. It took him many lonesome nights. He finally created his own file named Heavy.wdt and wft and his friends. They were accidentally uploaded into the mod but due to popular demand but were kept. Gabe looked into the files and seen the items he had in his backpack. He gave The Heavy The 'Beetus with overlord Wilford Brimley's command, turned the Berlin wall rubble into the Iron Curtain, and gave him a voice of reason, and a sandwich.

edit Existence

The Heavy built quite a reputation for himself, despite being just a thought. When he was uploaded, he lost all sense of reality. He's a figment of imagination, floating about and endlessly killing and murdering and insulting and eating food. The Heavy is trapped in cyberspace, forced to recite binary codes before powering down. He tips his 40 hats to the new Terms and Agreements, and bets his life away. But really, what does he have to lose? Hes become an iconic message, a replication of all the lost hopes and dreams we've ever had.

Personal tools
In other languages