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“You want to know when I plan to drop out of the race? I'll tell you. I'm going to drop out of the race when I'm dead!”
“Let's think for a moment here. If you were his wife, wouldn't you agree to ANYTHING that meant he wasn't sleeping with you?”
Newt Gingrich was a presidential nomination candidate on Earth and self-appointed leader of one of the first human civilizations on the Moon. Planted on a farm in Georgia, Gingrich was not originally meant to achieve big things, but thanks to his amazing resolve, he managed to sprout legs and walk away from his old life. His literal roots allowed him to easily snag a job as a botany professor, but he eventually got tired of teaching students things they would never use in life and desired something more.
That something more came when a position opened at the United States House of Representatives. Though people were originally reluctant to elect someone who had flowers growing out of his ears, Gingrich's determination won out, and he got a seat on one of the least prestigious political chairs in the country. This accomplishment encouraged Gingrich to start working hard for once in his lifetime, and after twenty years of climbing the political ladder (no small feat for a man of his physical stature), he became the first half-man, half-weed Speaker of the House.
Life as a speaker
Being Speaker of the House was originally satisfying to Gingrich. He managed to bank on his newfound status by writing several memoirs about his experiences growing and being tended to in the Georgian farm. Critics praised the memoirs for being as exciting as All Quiet on the Western Front and as insightful as I maed a yuky doody. He donated some of the memoirs' earnings to the National Organization of Planted Entrepreneurs (NOPE) and saved the rest for future re-election campaigns.
There wouldn't be a re-election campaign, however, because of a government shutdown that resulted from the president's insistence to not do everything Gingrich wants. Many[who?] asked Gingrich[who?] to compromise an end to the shutdown[who?], but he stressed that as a former professor, it was his duty to teach Clinton how to "respect his elders", citing a recent occurrence where Clinton requested that he take the extra time to use the emergency exit at the back of the plane during a flight. Clinton claimed that there was a fire on board and there was no other option, but Gingrich shot back that "you could have at least had the decency to carry me".
According to Gingrich, the liberal media used the opportunity to twist his words into something exactly like the original and make it look like he was responsible for the government shutdown that he directly caused. They also brought up the hundreds of ethics charges filed against Gingrich during his term, which he played down by pointing out that he was only prosecuted on several dozen of them. Though he finally succumbed to universal pressure and put the United States back into business, the ensuing bi-partisan hatred gave him no other choice than to resign from his post and spend the memoir earnings on booze and strippers. Looking back, Gingrich said that if he could have changed anything about his days as speaker, he'd have "let Clinton burn with the plane".
Successes after speakership
Life as a presidential nominee nominee
With his political career already failing several times, Gingrich felt that he could do no worse and announced his plans to run in the GOP primaries. The middle-aged to elderly conservative voters (read: all conservative voters), aware of his missteps during the Clinton era, were skeptical of Gingrich's potential to make the Republicans look less like a raging group of idiots. Gingrich proved his worth, however, when he revealed that his wife had agreed to an open marriage. Thinking that if Gingrich could convince a woman to do that, he could convince anyone to do anything, Gingrich easily took home South Carolina's vote, and the nomination from there seemed much more attainable.
Gingrich's status as real competition did not last long, however. A major obstacle in his path to presidency came when he was outed as a plant by a conservative blogger who, unlike most of America at the time, had actually read his memoirs. This led to discussions by political pundits about whether Gingrich was actually less relatable than controversial opponent Newtis Newtfield, as even though Newtfield was amphibious, he had to do more than just walk outside to get his next meal. Gingrich countered these claims by saying that he knew more about the human experience than a salamander ever could, but when his aforementioned wife turned out to be a flower pot with hair, his political campaign was all but destroyed. Soon, Newt Gingrich ranked lower in polls than libertarian Ron Paul, but he refused to give up, and that may have been his last admirable quality.
Life as a moon overlord
Newt Gingrich's reputation for thinking outside of the box came to a head during the nomination race when he proposed that everybody be sent to the moon where they couldn't be affected by the deteriorating economy. There apparently wasn't any oil on the moon, so the U.S. government found little incentive for invading it. However, that didn't stop Gingrich from continuing to pursue his dream of a lunar community led by him. He knew that such a venture would undoubtedly work, provided that the moon had enough space to accommodate seven billion people and enough air to make sure they didn't all suffocate to death. The moon apparently had neither, but that didn't stop Gingrich from continuing to pursue his dream of a lunar community led by him. It is from this plan we get the origin of the word lunacy.
During one of his "political vacations", Gingrich found a small group of easily influenced homeless people and decided to test out his theory by starting a colony with them on the moon. Because he couldn't afford a trip to the moon on a Republican's salary, he sailed them to the north pole instead, hoping he could hitch a ride to the giant rock from a passing alien. Aliens apparently didn't exist, so he hitched a private jet back to the U.S. instead, leaving the homeless people to either die of hypothermia or get eaten by polar bears. Though devastated by the loss of his potential moon-slaves, that didn't stop Gingrich from continuing to pursue his dream of a lunar community led by him.
It was soon after his crushing defeat in the primaries that Gingrich's dream became a reality. Annoyed at Gingrich's presence at the GOP convention, party leaders agreed to arrange a trip to the moon for him in exchange for his leaving them alone. Gingrich was provided with low-ranked officials to bring along on the trip, but they backed out upon learning that the moon wasn't actually made up of cheese. Gingrich didn't lose hope, however, and with an extremely devoted litter of kittens, Gingrich was finally able to put a lunar community led by him into motion.
Unfortunately, the moon's lack of gravity and air caused the kittens to float out into the great unknown and explode the second they left the space shuttle. The moon's lack of sunlight and rainwater caused Gingrich to pass out and shrivel up into non-existence the second he left the space shuttle. Once word got out of this, Democrats from all over the world gathered together at the farm he was planted in to hold a somber memorial in honor of one of the few men who could have made Barack Obama's re-election completely inevitable if nominated. Their regret at losing such an easy target was later justified when Republican candidate Newtis Newtfield took the election by a landslide and became America's first semi-aquatic president.
- Some guy not mentioned in this article
- Another guy not mentioned in this article
- The other old guy who more surprisingly is still in the race
- Similarly named future president Newtis Newtfield
|Candidates in the 2012 U. S. Presidential Election|