The Greatest Disasters of Our Time

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 10:05, March 16, 2011 by 84.111.189.117 (talk)

Jump to: navigation, search
DVDdisasters

US Cover Art for the DVD Box Set. Designed by Gremlins.

The Greatest Disasters of Our Time is a DVD Box Set showcasing the very best disasters to smite humanity. The series includes not only man-made but also natural disasters in slow motion digital surround sound, so loud it’ll make your skull vibrate. Each disaster is looked at in-depth, with never before seen footage that puts you right in the belly of Satan’s furnace. There’s also a re-mastered sound track, now you can really hear those screams like never before, in stereo. Its' like you were actually inside the victims heads. Special commentary by those responsible is also provided. There are alternate sound tracks; the disasters can be viewed with or without audience laughter. Or with soothing panpipe music. There is also a bonus disk of special features with featurettes like: ‘what is a hijacked plane? And how does it crash?’

Disasters Included in the Series

Hurricane Katrina

Hurricane Katrina
Hurricane Keitei
Hurricane Katrina during the calm before the storm.
Rating
Devastation: 5/10
Lives Affected: 7/10
Deaths: 2/10
Government Response: 0/10
Changing the World: 1/10
Total: 3/10

Registering 22 Bajillion on the Richter Scale, Hurricane Katrina was the worst hurricane to hit America in its entire existence, barely beating out another equally destructive hurricane, Scrambles the Death Dealer. Hurricane Katrina was part of Mother Nature's Operation Katrina to create a New Atlantis. Mother Nature had already tried to create New Atlantis, but her plan failed due to various issues with the location that she picked. This time, she decided to use a massive hurricane to decimate her desired location. That location was the Gulf Coast, America.

It was a sunny day when Mother Nature put her plan into action. She launched her plan on a sunny day to surprise attack the Americans. She slowly began to whip up a tropical storm off the Gulf Coast. She did this to trick the silly weather man. This part of her plan was codenamed The Calm Before the Storm. The Hurricane moved towards the Gulf Coast at a steady pace.

On August 28th Mother Nature decided it was time to attack the Gulf Coast. She ramped the hurricane to its full 22 Bajillion and moved it towards Louisiana. This was a fine play by Mother Nature as all inhabitants of the area were unsuspectingly getting drunk. When Katrina hit it proceeded to destroy everything in sight. This phase of the plan was called Apocalypse. The people tried to run but they had no hope. Katrina proceeded to remove as much rubbish as she could. But wasn't very effective.

Once the Apocalypse Phase was complete Mother Nature initiated the Noah Phase. The Noah Phase consisted of Katrina creating mass storm surges and flooding the area. This was done to create a suitable terrain for New Atlantis. It was also rather effective at removing the locals who just wouldn't die. As the locals couldn't breathe underwater they were screwed. Mother Nature then moved Katrina off coast once again. She did this to let things settle down and to let the survivors crawl out. A day later on August 29th, Mother Nature moved Katrina back onto the Gulf Coast to remove any survivors. The majority was picked off, but some were left over. Mother Nature then moved Katrina out to sea and dissipated her, as she had accomplished her goals.

There were survivors, though. They made makeshift boats and sailed to their nearest casualty centre, which happened to be the Stadium. The stadium was rather packed by the evening so people had to stay outside in the water. They didn't make it.

The Bush Administration was quick to act on this by activating the Nobody Cares Policy. This allowed the American Government to not give a crap about what happened down in the Gulf Coast. The policy also stopped the American Government giving money to the survivors of Katrina. Other nations pledged money but it hasn't helped in the rebuilding effort. As house can't be built on water. This money was also not enough for the survivors to afford their weekly petrol bills.

The area is still in ruins above water. But below water it is thriving with life. The Atlantians have moved into their new homes and are living quite comfortably. Even though the area is in the state that it is, 100 new Starbucks have appeared.

“It was only a bit of rain!”
~ George Bush on Hurricane Katrina
“I so didn't see that coming.”
~ Weather Guy on Hurricane Katrina

Boxing Day Tsunami

Boxing Day Tsunami
2004-tsunami
The largest ever recorded Tsunami at its' peak.
Rating
Devastation: 8/10
Lives Affected: 7/10
Deaths: 5/10
Government Response: 2/10
Changing the World: 3/10
Total: 5/10

The Boxing Day Tsunami of 2004, a.k.a Tsunami Katrina, was the largest ever Tsunami known to man. It was all part of Operation Katrina. Mother Natures' plan to create a New Atlantis. Unfortunately for Mother Nature, her first attempt was a failure at creating the new state. But was a success at destroying innocent lives. She was somewhat happy with this result and within a years' time, she gathered enough info and launched her second attack on the Earth. Which ended up a success for her.

The initial plan for Operation Katrina involved inducing a large enough earthquake in the Indian Ocean to create the largest Tsunami ever. This would obliterate the land, locals and drug traffickers. The latter she wasn't too pleased with. The Tsunami would then proceed to flood the area creating a suitable terrain for New Atlantis. The islands she intended to destroy were: Indonesia, Sri Lanka, India, Thailand and Lesbos. This area was chosen for its excellent night life. Of course she wanted the inhabitants of New Atlantis to have a good time.

Mother Nature did plan to launch her attack on Christmas Day but decided it was best to take the day off. She does need her rest every once in a while. So she launched her attack the day after. At 00:58:53 UTC she started the Earthquake off the coast of Indonesia. It spread through the region triggering miniature Tsunamis. The Tsunamis then ganged up and proceeded to destroy the islands of the area. One by one Tsunami Katrina obliterated each island. Flooding them as she went. Most of the people on these islands were holiday goers who were stuck in hotels. They weren't very pleased that their holiday was ruined and demanded a refund after it was all over.

The plan didn't go so well for Mother Nature though. After Tsunami Katrina was over, Mother Nature realized that the location she chose wasn't big enough for her New Atlantis. The night life was her primary reason for choosing the region, but she didn't factor in the size of the area. So she abandoned Operation Katrina for the time being.

After realizing what had happened in the Indian Ocean, Earth launched a large humanitarian effort to help with the rebuilding of the area. Australia held a massive concert to raise money so that the people of the region could have some beer. The American Government actually gave some money to these people. The world was surprised with this. Europe pledged free iPods because they determined that the survivors needed to suffer more by listening to U2. The money of course was swindled by the respective governments so the region still remains a disaster zone. Most of the water hasn't dried up so some Atlantians have moved in. Mostly to party at the Bali Bars. Much to the displeasure of the locals.

“Certainly has increased my business.”
~ Schapelle Corby on Boxing Day Tsunami
The Bali Bars are so much fun!”
~ Atlantian on Boxing Day Tsunami
“I quite liked the white water.”
~ Lesbos Local on Boxing Day Tsunami

9/11

9/11
Explosions
The result of one of the office workers eating a dodgy curry.
Rating
Devastation: 5/10
Lives Affected: 8/10
Deaths: 3/10
Government Response: 10/10
Changing the World: 10/10
Total: 9.8/10

9/11 was the greatest conspiracy theory to strike America. Contrary to popular belief, the American Government was not responsible for the attacks on the Twin Towers, Transylvania, The White House, The Pentagon and the Moon. Osama Bin Laden wasn't even solely responsible for this atrocity. On that fateful day 2 completely unrelated evens conspired together to become what is known as 9/11 which would eventually spark the War on Terra.

The whole ordeal started a year before September 11. George Bush had traveled to Afghanistan to meet up with dignitaries of the country. One of these dignitaries was Osama Bin Laden. George Bush stayed in Afghanistan for 2 weeks. Just before he left the country Osama Bin Laden challenged George Bush to a game of Battleship. With Bush's cunning wit, Osama lost. Osama was not pleased with this at all and asked for a rematch. Bush declined. This infuriated Osama. So Osama vowed revenge on Bush and the United States. Straight away Osama began planning his revenge. He wanted to his Bush where it hurt, so his first plan of action was to travel to America and kick Bush in the balls. Osama's minions advised against this plan of action so Osama came up with another plan. One so much more elaborate than the first. He planned to Battleship the US, but with planes! The plan was perfect said the advisors.

Osama went about making his glorious plan a reality. He hired terrorists from around the region to fly the planes. But of course the terrorists had no knowledge of how to fly planes. So he sent the terrorists over to America to learn. They stayed their for 2 months and learnt how to fly a plane. While there they also did some site seeing of New York. They rather liked the Twin Towers. The returned to Afghanistan to await further orders. By July 2001, Osama had worked out all the details of the plan. He would have his terrorists attack the World Trade Centre, the Pentagon and the White House. Osama sent his A-team into the United States by the start of August 2001 to prepare for the attacks. During this time they bought plane tickets, fake passports and toothpicks which would be the weapon of choice for the terrorists on that fateful day. It was later discovered that the terrorists stayed at the Hilton Hotel until they launched their attack on America.

The morning of September 11th had arrived. Both events that would conspire to create the disaster had began to be set in motion. To anyone there it seemed like a completely normal day. There wasn't even a cloud in the sky. Osama was pleased about the weather. That way everyone could see him gloriously pwning the United States. At exactly 8:45 AM the hijackings began. A plane traveling to Los Angeles was hijacked by the terrorists and changed its' course to New York. At exactly 9:11 AM this plane crashed into Tower 1 of the World Trade Center. Onlookers were surprised but didn't think much of it. One person who happened to be secretly filming a woman on the other side of the road captured the footage of the plane crashing into the tower. This single piece of footage was later whored out in the media (have a guess which one).

At 10 AM a second plane crashed into the Pentagon. This sent America into a state of shock and confusion. Nobody knew what do. Unluckily, George Bush wasn't in the Pentagon at the time. He was currently in Kindergarten taking his morning nap. The CIA decided to ground all planes. Seeing as the CIA is extremely dense they did not realize that this wouldn't have any effect on any of the planes currently in flight. This allowed the rest of the hijackers involved to continue on with their plan. An interesting thing to note is Disneyland was also closed on the day. The CIA believed this to be the ultimate target of the terrorists.

The second event to change the world started at 10:30 AM. One of the office workers decided it would be a great idea to have Curry for morning tea. To this very day no-one is sure why he actually did this. Unfortunately for him and the rest of the World it was a dodgy curry. As the curry worked through his system it infected him with lethal food poisoning. By 11 AM the office worker was not feeling well at all. During all this the third plane was getting ready to strike the Tower Two at exactly 11:10 AM. At 11:09 AM the office worker rushed to the toilet due to a crook stomach. He sat on the toilet and proceeded to explode. Causing the complete destruction of floors 80-85. The plane intended to strike the building flew right into the explosion and melted on impact. It was originally assumed that it was the plane that was responsible for the strike on Tower Two. but after careful analysis in the documentary Loose Change, it was discovered that it was actually the office worker.

The plane intended to strike the White House never did. The passengers on that flight stupidly fought back against the terrorist even though the terrorists had toothpicks as weapons. The passengers amazingly won against the terrorists. In the final moments before the terrorists were killed, the terrorists ordered that the pilots Seppuku themselves. With no pilots or terrorists who could fly the plane, the passengers were fucked. The plane eventually crashed over Transylvania.

Osama was generally pleased with his efforts. He had won against George Bush and the US. The events of the day would later spark the War on Terra, which Bush is losing. The black boxes from both the plane that struck Tower One and the office worker have never been recovered.

“Those damn Terrorists!”
~ George Bush on 9/11
“All in a day's work.”
~ Osama Bin Laden on 9/11
“Such a perfect plan my Lord.”
~ Minions on 9/11

Hiroshima

Hiroshima
Hiroshimaexplosion
The spectacular fireworks of the WorldWar II SuperBowl Halftime show.
Rating
Devastation: 10/10
Lives Affected: 9/10
Deaths: 8/10
Government Response: 7/10
Changing the World: 10/10
Total: 8.8/10

Hiroshima is the infamous Halftime show of the World War II SuperBowl. It was performed in Hiroshima, Japan to fans worldwide. The show was even more spectacular than that of the show at the WWI SuperBowl. The show was codenamed the Manhattan Project during production. The Director of the show was Harry S. Truman. The project was originally started out of fear that the Nazis would create an even more spectacular show. This of course never happened as Hitler was to busy People Designing to care. The designers on the Manhattan project came up with an ingenious were to deliver a mass amount of fireworks all the way through the show. One notable designer on the team was Albert Einstein.

The Manhattan Project was started in 1945 by Franklin Roosevelt. Roosevelt was a well known designer of the era. He had watched the WWI Show and liked what he saw but wanted to outdo it. He also had the desire to outdo his countries' opponents. He employed over 130,00 people to get the Manhattan Project underway. He employed Designers, Stage Hands, Actors and various crew members. Roosevelt spared no expense for the Manhattan Project. He spent in excess of US$22 Bajillion. Making it on of the largest and most costly shows to date. Under Roosevelt’s' order, the designers came up with a new way to deliver a phenomenal amount of fireworks. Roosevelt in the end wanted to use the fireworks in the show but was advised not to.

Roosevelt died leaving the Manhattan Project without a Director. Harry S. Truman at the time was unknowing about the project. On July 26, 1945 Truman found out about the project in Roosevelt’s' will. Roosevelt left the entire project in the hands of Truman. On finding out about the project, Truman was very excited. He was a small time Director and looking to make it big. Once taking over the project he increased the budget from US$2 Billion to US$22 Bajillion. He also decided to use the fireworks device designed while Roosevelt was alive. Truman decided to test the device first. A rehearsal was conducted and codenamed Trinity and the device was codenamed Gadget. The location for the rehearsal was Alamogordo, New Mexico. The rehearsal went so well that Truman ordered two larger devices for his show. The devices were codenamed Little Boy and Fat Man.

Truman had many locations in mind for the match and his show. The Stadium Committee recommended these locations: Kyoto, Hiroshima, Yokohama, and the stadium at Kokura as possible locations. The Committee took many different things into consideration when choosing the location. The size of the stadium was important as they expected over 100,000 to attend. They were also looking to induce the WOW! effect on the people attending, so they needed a stadium that could display the show in optimum standards. In the end Hiroshima was chosen as it met all the criteria.

The 6th August, 1945 was the date for the show and the match. Truman was extremely nervous. He had everything ready. From the Go-Go Dancers to his fireworks. 200,000 people came to Hiroshima on the day just to watch the spectacular. There was an immense interest in the show as Truman had used a viral marketing blitz around the world to generate an extreme hype for the event. Tickets sold like hotcakes. When the 200,000th ticket had been sold, Truman decided that was enough. As the stadium couldn't hold any more people.

The Allied Powers Team and The Axis Powers Team both played excelently in the first half. Then at half time to show began. The stadium went dark and a laser light show began. The people oohed and ahhed in appreciation of the moving lights in front of them. The Go-Go Dancers came out on stage. The stunning moves of the dancers made half people in the stadium get up and dance. Rocking the foundations of the stadium. There were quite a few other performances by notable singers of the time. The highlight of the show began. A plane flew over the stadium and everyone looked up. The plane then dropped Little Boy. At 600m above the stadium it exploded in the a spectacle of colour and light. Everyone clapped in appreciation. Three minutes later a second plane dropped Fat Man and more light and colour was displayed over the stadium. Everyone was blinded almost instantly from the immense light of the fireworks. 140,000 people in the stadium had instant heart attacks due to the overexcitement of seeing both fireworks devices go off. The immense power of the devices also made the stadium collapse. Something Truman’s engineers and the Committee didn't count on. Eventually the stadium was rebuilt and the people of Hiroshima have moved on with their lives. But they will never forget the spectacular that happened there.

“Since when do I care about stunning fireworks. Stunning People are where it's at!”
~ Hitler on Hiroshima
“I had no idea about the Manhattan project, but was glad to be onboard eventually.”
~ Harry S. Truman on Hiroshima
“My best work to date.”
~ Albert Einstein on Hiroshima

World War II

World War II
Hitlermusso
Mussolini and Hitler announcing the WorldWar II SuperBowl.
Rating
Devastation: 10/10
Lives Affected: 9/10
Deaths: 9/10
Government Response: 10/10
Changing the World: 10/10
Total: 9.6/10

The world of football had been pretty peaceful for many years since the defeat of the Central Powers team in the WorldWar SuperBowl. Many games had been played since then but these weren't satisfying the appetites of football fans world wide. Something had to be done about this. So Benito Mussolini decided to hold a second WorldWar SuperBowl. He decided it would be best if he created his own new team and then have a match against the reigning champions, the Allied Powers team. Mussolini went about getting the match underway. He contacted the coach of the original Allied Powers team in 1937 to challenge them to a match. They gladly accepted and set the date of the SuperBowl for 1939.

Mussolini went about getting his team together right away. He first contacted the world famous People Designer, Adolf Hitler, to design the uniforms for his team. Mussolini was a huge fan of Hitler’s' work and knew Hitler could come through for him. With the design of the uniform underway, Mussolini needed actual players. He contracted the greatest players from Italy, Germany, Japan and some other small countries. By 1938 the uniforms for his team were ready. The players on the team fell in love with them immediately. Mussolini now had one year to train his team.

The original coach of the Allied Powers team had died in 1938. Winston Churchill replaced the coach. Churchill had a not so spectacular career in coaching so the team was unsure if he was the best man for the job. But since no-one else would take the job the team had to accept him. Churchill started training his team right away. He used a special type of training that no-one had seen before. This would prove crucial for the win of the Allied Powers Team.

1939 had come around fast. Both teams started a marketing blitz to gain the attention of the world. Viral video site, youtube.com was mainly responsible for the immense interest in the SuperBowl. Also popups for the 22 bajillionth visitor to certain sites gained free tickets to the SuperBowl. Unlike the first SuperBowl, this one would also be shown on TV. So an audience of 62 million people was expected. Both Churchill and Mussolini were nervous but excited.

September 1st 1939 had finally arrived. The day that the SuperBowl began. The stadium was packed. Filled with eager fans so desperate to see this match. It is reported that riots broke out over obtaining tickets for the match. The first half of the game was played excellently by both teams. Both teams were tied with a score of 1 million. The halftime show began and people were astounded with how beautiful it truly was. Play resumed and the competition got tougher. Both teams tried to score but couldn't. Each player was just too pumped to let the other team get a goal. It came down to the final seconds of the match. Everyone watching the match was biting their fingernails in anticipation of someone scoring a goal. On the final second a player from the Allied Powers team used the Super Awesome Atomic Wedgie Field Goal Kick tacit to score the necessary point to win. If Churchill had not trained his team with his special training method then the Allied Powers team would most likely have lost.

Parties were held all over the world. Many were drunk that night. Of course the supporters of the Axis Powers team rioted in the streets not realizing that nobody cares. The following day a parade was held in honour of the winning team. Since then, no WorldWar SuperBowl has been held but many hope that it will happen again. As it is likely to be more intense than previous SuperBowls.

“I am brilliant.”
~ Winston Churchill on World War II
“Commu... Football works in theory...”
~ Benito Mussolini on World War II
“FOOTBALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!”
~ Football fan on World War II

World War I

World War I
Ww1team
The Allied Powers Team showing off their famous Masked Line of Defense Maneuver.
Rating
Devastation: 7/10
Lives Affected: 7/10
Deaths: 7/10
Government Response: 8/10
Changing the World: 7/10
Total: 7.2/10

World War I is the common name for the WorldWar SuperBowl held in 1914. Also referred to as The Great Football Match and the Match to end all Matches. Of course, all the people at the time were deluded and didn't realize that the publics desire to see football was insatiable. The outcomes of this match would be important factors in the creation of the World War II SuperBowl. The WorldWar SuperBowl was a complete change from the matches of the Napoleonic Tournament held prior to 1914. The event that would spark a new caliber of tournament play was the loss of the Austrian team and death of their key player Archduke Franz Ferdinand at the hands of Gavrilo Princip. Austria waited 3 weeks and obtained a blank check from Germany so that they could obtain a new player to replace Ferdinand. Austria then decided it was best to challenge the world to a new kind of football match that was of true worldwide scale. Austria created the Central Powers Team and declared football of July 28th. It was an open challenge to the world to create a team to fight them. The world did come up with a team called the Allied Powers team.

Both teams started a rigorous training regime to be as fit as possible. Losing this match was not an option for either team. Both teams opted for training in many locations around the world in many situations as possible. The rugged landscapes that the Allied Powers team trained at would prove to be the deciding factor in the match.

Months had passed by and training had gone well. October 30th was the decided date of play. Many came from all corners of the world to watch. It was a sellout. There were a lot of people who missed out on tickets and were very displeased at this. There were a few riots around the world. Once the stadium was full, both teams ran out onto the field. Waving to their fans. Cheers could be heard from all-round. Since the Central Powers team declared the match, they got the ball first. The play from both teams was amazing. The ball was passed from one Central player to another but was intercepted by a Allied player. Confusion in the Central team caused them to split down the field. The Allied player ran for all he was worth and scored the first goal. As this happened a Mexican wave was initiated by Allied fans.

The score juggled between both teams. One team scoring points right after the other one did. It was neck and neck. People couldn't believe what they were seeing. It truly was the match of the century. Halftime was marked with the ball landing in the dead man's land. Both teams took a much needed rest while fans qued to get more beer. Play resumed and it was just like the first half. Neck and neck with no clear winner. In the last 5 minutes of play the Central team seemed to be getting rather tired. Fans tried to cheer them on but it didn't help. The coach of the Allied team realized what was going on and called a timeout. He told his team to execute the Masked Line of Defense maneuver. When play resumed the Allied team started the Masked Line of Defense straight away. Most of the players lined up to one side of the field. Some others hid over to the side. The Central players went for the ones in the line. The Allied players on the side ran for the Central players and intercepted the ball. The Central players didn't see this coming. The Allied player scored the winning goal and the match was over. Right there and then the coach of the Central Powers team quit. For a while people didn't play football but people started playing again just before the WorldWar II SuperBowl.

“Best. Match. Ever.”
~ Football fan on World War I
“I quit!”
~ Coach on World War I
“Come on coach. There's always next year!”
~ Central player on World War I

The Election Of Goarge W. Bush

By far the worst disaster in the lives of those past and present. There isn't really much we can do. Hes fucked us over...twice

Praise for the Series

The series has been praised by many around the world. It has been praised for its amazing in-depth look at the disasters that have changed the world. For having such great footage that it feels you were there at the time. The digital remastering was so brilliant that it was like you were being vaporized by the atomic bomb!

The series has also won many awards. So many that some aren't even for documentaries. The awards include:

Emmy
Golden Globe
Logie
Aria
Pulitzer
Greatest Dad in the World
Personal tools
projects