The Great Welsh Fire
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“We all of us live in the gutter but some of us look at Wales burning. And laugh.”
“Wales - nice place but unfortunately on fire.”
“In Soviet Russia, Great Fire welshes YOU!”
“Help me boyo, I'm on fire!”
“I'm not going to go and have a child where they will burn before they learn that the place they live in is on fire”
“There'll be a welcome in the hillsides!”
“The Great Welsh Fire was simply the result of Welsh engineering and attempts to send a horse and cart to the moon”
The Great Welsh Fire is the fire encompassing Wales in its entirety. It began in 1247AD and continues until the present day.
The origins of The Great Welsh Fire have failed to be debated extensively (because no one cares about Wales) ever since it began. However, 66% of all Welsh historians (namely Gavin and Davyff in the Gluggogoch Arms, Swansea) are in agreement that the fire began with a Chessumist conspiracy. Spontaneously combusting sheep have also been blamed for the fire, as well as the CIA and Mossad, because they're behind, like, everything, especially interference on the radio, girls not liking me, and giving out short change in supermarkets.
Other theorists suggest that the fire was begun by The Scots, in an attempt to stem the tide of "sheep lover" jokes directed at them that should instead have been aimed at the Welsh (or possibly Aberdonians. Or islanders). As the theoretical Scotsman who might have started the fire may feasibly have put it, had he been there at the time (which he wasn't. There's no documentary evidence of anything. There's nothing that'll stand up in a court of law):
- "Look, it's really very simple. The Welsh have miserable weather, are permanently depressed, and like to do it with sheep. We have miserable weather, are permanently depressed, and live in an alcoholic haze from dawn 'till dusk so couldn't find a sheep even were we so minded. It couldn't be any plainer. But just in case you're too thick to tell the difference, now the Welsh have crap weather, depression, a national sheep fetish, and are on fire. Happy now?"
It should be noted that there is nothing in Scots Law which prohibits setting fire to Wales, and this may be significant in the conjecture of the nationality, and thus the identity, of the potential suspect(s).
The current effect of the Great Welsh Fire is that everything and everyone in Wales is on fire. On the Wales-England border screams of "Helllp me boyo, I'm on fire, llook you!" can be heard, day and night. This would cause high instances of post-traumatic stress disorder and other stress related health problems for the English, save for the fact that the screaming is in a
hilarious moderately humorous Welsh accent, and thus only causes high instances of giggle-fits.
The Great Welsh Fire has, as may be expected, taken a terrible toll (or, in Welsh, "A most terribllle tolll, llook you, boyo) on the Welsh population, and in recent memory alone an estimated 46% of the human population have been killed (Hugh, Gwynneth and Lloyd, to name but all of them), as well as 0.7% of the country's livestock...uh, stock (3 million sheep).
Welsh MPs and AM's would complain about government inaction, but they are currently on fire. No one else cares about Wales, and the British government is currently pursuing a position of denial over the existence of Wales, under which anyone claiming that Wales exists will be handed over to the Ministry of Love for re-education.
The most publicity the Fire has received abroad was in 1978 when the Democratic Union Of United Workers' Social Democratic Socialist Workers Party of Auchenshoogle, Scotland said nothing about it whatsoever at their conference/tea-morning.
The situation could be set to change, however, as Michael Chessum (bassist for death metal legends The Carpenters and founder of all known forms of Chessumism) has announced that he is seriously considering doing nothing about the Fire at any point in the future. Ever.
Given that nobody outside of Wales cares or knows about the existence of the damn place, The Great Welsh Fire has not had any media coverage outside of Wales. However Welsh TV coverage is also limited because the studios, the equipment, the crews and in fact every television set in Wales are all on fire. Newspapers, clearly, have had limited success in spreading media coverage in Wales for obvious reasons. There is also no awareness of the Fire at all on the internet - not a single page, not even this one.
It is understood that some people are not so keen on an entire nation being unenterable because of the quantity of fire it contains. For these people, we have established the Save The Wales Campaign. If you would like to save an entire nation from a fate worse than hell, please come down to Wales and steal one flame. All we ask is that you steal one flame a month and maybe, just maybe, someone can be a whole lot colder this Christmas.
We now realise that if people come and steal flames, the fire will spread to England. To prevent this, we suggest that once you have left Wales, travel to the east coast where you can jump in the sea and drown rather than burn to death and spread the fire. It has, however, not been stated by the same Scot who did not start the fire in the first place that setting England on fire would be No Bad Thing, and he has not encouraged everybody to do this at every opportunity.
There are several drawbacks to living in Wales.
- You may notice a bright orange glow which you cannot avoid seeing wherever you go
- You may notice a searing heat
- The absence of water
- The perpetual sound of fire alarms wherever you go
- Your skin dissolving in a heap on the ground before your very eyes (which would dissolve later)
- An everlasting cough
Save The Fire
If you would like to donate to the Save The Fire Campaign, please send your flame and address to:
Sam Tân (Campaign Secretary)
The Great Welsh Fire
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Go on. Make a difference. Scorch someone's eyes out this Christmas.
- George Bush did NOT send all his enemies to Wales
- Wales will NOT replace Guantanamo Bay
- The Great Welsh Fire was NOT started in the foreign country of Fales by a faulty piece of electrical equipment called the Great Felsh Wire
- Tartan matches have NOT been found near Llandudno
Famous Welsh Towns To Be Ablaze
- New York
- Mountain Ash
- Fflint - sometimes blamed for sparking the whole thing off
Rhyl has yet to be burned, despite everyone's best efforts. It is estimated by environmental scientists that if the fire were to spread to Rhyl and burn it up, the entire population would become permanently high on crack or kittens or something. However, as scientists also invented the atomic bomb, Atomic Kitten and LSD, their opinions are taken perfectly seriously by the local populace, which is why a virulent epidemic of Brick smoking is currently spreading through Rhyl and the surrounding area.