The Great Logic War
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Great Logic War was a global conflict which claimed the lives of countless lifeless people, lifeless in this sense meaning 'no life', a metaphorical term, which means...I apologize. I myself am a veteran of this war and have been shellshocked by the infamous forces of Logic...
Wikipedians. The scum...
They tried to exterminate us. Hunt us down like rats and destroy our culture, our way of life... but this is just the ramblings of an old man.
The war took place many years ago, and the veterans who fought in it will never be forgotten. It is to them that this article is dedicated.
edit Prewar tensions and conflicts
YTMND's empire was on the rise. With hundreds of new YTMNDs being posted everyday, it seemed that the site was destined for success. But early conflicts with eBaum's World proved devastating to YTMND's economy, as frequent DDoS attacks caued many lifeless people to die as they were unable to post their YTMNDs. This spawned a long period of hatred between the two groups, one that was only broken after an uneasy truce.
Uncyclopedia remained a center of pure insanity and pointless articles. Many of the nation's subjects were mindslaves to grues and the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The sheer stupidity of Uncyclopedia drew the special hatred of the evil Wikipedian Empire, which was secretly building up armed forces for an ttack on illogicity:YTMND and Uncyclopedia. Wikipedia began negotiations with eBaum's some 3 months before the war, asking them to help if they chose to attack Uncyclopedia. The eBaumans agreed.
Wikipedia's strategy involved a ruthless editing of articles to make them sensible and respectable-a horrible fate most Uncyclopedians hoped would never happen. Wikipedia trained elite Sturmtrupp divions to assault the no-edit articles of Uncyclopedia. It was their job to punch into Uncyclopedian articles, using a mix of Wikipedian logic and the utter destruction of Uncyclopedia's sacred articles. The Wikipedian plan was to attack quickly and without warning, striking hard and fast and surrounding articles with a wall of logic from which they could not escape. It was a truly brutal strategy, but one that would prove utterly effective.
edit Opening engagements
An attack on Uncyclopedia from Wikipedian forces had long been anticipated. As such, a series of logical fortifications was built on Uncyclopedia's borders. Since Wikipedians wouldn't dare alter logic, it seemed Uncyclopedia was safe.
They couldn't have been more wrong.
Over the years, Wikipedians detained countless spammers and flame war aggravators. These people were now flung at the fortifications, known as he Great Grue Line, to devastating effect. Changing logic into pure chaos, they allowed the Wikipedians to advance, but now after eBaumans were sent into the breaches to clear out Uncyclopedian troops. After that, Wikipedian tanks rolled in, changing senseless articles into perfectly understandable ones, removing Wildeisms, and trying to break into Uncyclopedia's sacred Chuck Norris article. They succeeded, and soon Chuck lost his ridiculously oversized muscles, invincibility, and worst of all-his beard. He became mortal.
This was a crippling blow to the morale of the Unyclopedians, but they bravely continued fighting, preventing attacks on the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Grue articles.
YTMND, meanwhile, came under heavy attack by eBauman forces equipped with Wikipedian logic-enforcing tech. Quickly, YTMND's Ualeualeualeuale YTMNDs all fell and were destroyed, while many others were ruthlessly edited after surrendering to the eBaumans. This horrifying act didn't need to be exaggerated by Allied propagandists, and only strengthened the resolve of the neighbouring Uncyclopedians, filling them with a savage hatred for their Wikipedian counterparts, and giving them a raw conviction to defend their articles.
But the Uncyclopedians had lost many men to Wikipedian Sturmtrupp divisions, and as such, it was clear that losses of this scale simply couldn't be afforded.
edit Dawn of Order
The Uncyclopedians were ordered to retreat and form a defensive line. However, this would leave a full 1/2 of the Grue article open to assault be Wikipedians. However, it was either make a sacrifice or lose the rest of Uncyclopedia's sacred articles, so the troops obliged. Wikipedian troops attacked and occupied the area. They edited the article while Uncyclopedians watched, callign it 'an Internet phenomenon' instead of 'a monster that should truly be feared around the globe for its incredible ninja-like capabilities'. The future looked grim for the Uncyclopedians as the Wikipedians continued their ruthless attack, slaughtering countless n00bs and attacking the Main Page itself. Ever so slowly, it appeared Sophia was turning into a Wikipedian globe...
Meanwhile, YTMND had constructed various YTMNDs to block eBauman progress, which they did quite effectively. This allowed troops to be diverted to the Uncyclopedian front to fight back the Wikipedians. However, when it seemed YTMND wouldn't suffer the same fate as Uncyclopedia, the eBaumans started copying all the YTMNDs and putting them up on eBaum's. YTMND lost many good YTMND creators that day, and truthfully, it never recovered. As the endless hail of YTMNDs being made stopped, eBauman troops were able to attack and destroy the most-viewed YTMNDs...a crippling blow indeed. eBaum's began stealing even more YTMND material, and even began to round up the populace of YTMND and ship them off to eBauman prisons. The Logical onslaught continued as the Allies fought back desperately.
edit The Fight Back
However, the extra YTMND troops sent to Uncyclopedia constructed logical YTMNDs to block the Wikipedian advance. The eBauman auxiliaries of Wikipedia were far behind the main force, so the YTMNDs were in no danger of being destroyed. Uncyclopedians launched attacks form behind the YTMNDs, thinning the ranks of the Wikipedians. When the eBaumans did arrive, the Wikipedians had lost 1/3 of their men. It wa at this point the Allies counterattacked, enveloping the Wikipedians in a hail of insanity, defying all logic. Heads asploded. All Your Bae Are Belong To Us missiles were launched. And many Wikipedians were fingered by noodly appendages:a sure sign from the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Wikipedians fell back, and were driven out of Uncyclopedia shortly thereafter.
At this point, the war stagnated. The Uncyclopedians were unable to breach Wikipedian lines and the Wikipedians were unable to do likewise. This resulted in a series of costly offensives that caused massive casualties, at gains that could be measured for 1 article per 329 editors slain. It was a terrible bloodbath, but the Uncyclopedians, with their armies of lifeless people, could better afford the losses. Slowly, the elite Sturmtrupp divisions of the Wikipedians crumbled, and the Uncyclopedians launched a massive assault aimed at breaking through the Wikipedian centre.
Uncyclopedians finally penetrated the borders of Wikipedia with the offensive, thrusting inwards, but being driven out, but going in, and out, in, and out, in, out, and finally, in. This series of military movements would spawn a long line of sexual innuendo jokes.
As the Wikipedians resisted, many articles were converted into nonsense. The article about World War II was changed to the Uncyclopedian version. YTMND troops placed YTMNDs in place of important articles. Finally, a joint Uncylopedia-YTMND force reached the Jimmy Wales article, and replaced it with a YTMND displaying the Flying Spaghetti Monster. After this, Wikipedian Sturmtrupp divisions counterattacked with flair, winning a string of victories and driving the Allies back. After this, Satan, leader of the Wikipedian Empire, sent out requests for an armstice. They were accepted, and the war ended.
The war was costly, and some articles on both sides were lost forever and couldn't be replaced. YTMNDs were manufactured to replace the YTMNDs destroyed, but articles couldn't be crafted to easily. Upon seeing the first half of the Grue article left to the Wikipedians, many Uncyclopedians broke down and wept.
The conflict left a wall of bitter contempt between the Allies and the Wikipedian Empire. Even today, both sides are still watching one another, preparing for an assault that-hopefully-will never arrive. But the hope of peace in our time is futile, especially with Wikipedia's strength growing. Another war seems like a possibility, but while Wikipedia is at war with Godzilla, it's probably not going to happen now.