The Gospel According to Bill the Escapologist

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edit The Beginning

In the beginning was Word for Windows Version 1, and Word was with Bill, and Word was Bill. The same was in the beginning with Bill.

All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that could be copied. In him was the new release; and the new release was the light of men.

And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.

edit John the Software Pirate

There was a man sent from Bill, whose name was John the Software Pirate. The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through him might believe in obtaining a copy of Word without paying. He was not that hacker, but was sent to bear witness of all those hackers who unwittingly helped Bill's marketing strategy.

edit Word Through a Glass Window

That was the true licensed Word, which blighteth every man that cometh into the world. He was in Word, and Word was made by him, and Word knew him not, because there was no copy-protection. He came unto his own, and his own received him without payment. But as many as received Word, to them gave he power to become the sons of Bill, even to them that had never heard of him: Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of Word for Windows.

edit Version 2

And Word was made fresh, and Version 2 dwelt among us, (and we beheld Bill's glory, the glory as of the only begotten of Microsoft,) full of bugs and Easter Eggs. Pirate John bare witness of him, and cried, saying, This was he of whom I spake, He that cometh after me is preferred before me: for he was before me. And of his fulness have all we received, and grace for grace. For the law was given by IBM, but grace and truth came by Bill the Escapologist. No man hath seen Bill at any time; the only begotten hacker, which is in the bosom of Microsoft, he hath declared him.

edit John the Pirate's blog

And this is the blog of John the Pirate, when the feds sent accountants and lawyers from Washington to ask him, Who art thou? And he confessed, and denied not; but confessed, I am not Bill. And they asked him, What then? Art thou Elias? And he saith, I am not. Art thou in it for profit? And he answered, No. Then said they unto him, Who art thou? that we may give an answer to them that sent us. What sayest thou of thyself? He said, I am the voice of one crying in the wilderness, Make straight the way of free software, as said the prophet Bill. And they which were sent were of the Government. And they asked him, and said unto him, Why givest thou them the software key, if thou be not Bill, nor the marketing director, neither be thou in it for profit?

John answered them, saying, I givest away the key of Word: but there standeth one among you, whom ye know not; He it is, who coming after me is preferred before me, whose shoe's latchet I am not worthy to unloose, who has invoked automatic registration over the Internet. These things were done outside the USA beyond New York, where John was hacking.

edit Bill Cometh

The next day John seeth Bill coming unto him, and saith, Behold the king of Microsoft, which taketh away the sin of the world by requiring payment for software. This is he of whom I said, After me cometh a man which is preferred before me: for he was before me. And I knew him not: but that he should be made manifest to Office users, therefore am I come hacking with anonymous proxies.

edit John Bare

And John bare record, saying, I saw Word downloaded from the server like a dove, and it abode upon him. And I knew him not: but he that sent me to hack with viral code, the same said unto me, Upon whom thou shalt see the downloaded software descending, and remaining on him, the same is he which shall pass on the knowledge to honest fearful law-abiding citizens. And I saw, and bare record that this is the Son of Microsoft. Again the next day after John stood, and two of his disciples; And looking upon Bill as he walked, he saith, Behold the most successful business man in history!

edit Bill is Followed

And the two disciples heard him speak, and they followed Bill. Then Bill turned, and saw them following, and saith unto them, What seek ye? They said unto him, Rabbi, (which is to say, being interpreted, Master,) where dwellest thou? He saith unto them, Come and see. They came and saw where he dwelt, in a lovely villa by a lake, and abode with him that day: for it was about the tenth hour. One of the two which heard John speak, and followed him, was Andrew, Simon Peter's brother. He first findeth his own brother Simon, and saith unto him, We have found the killer application, which is, being interpreted, Word for Windows. And he brought him to Bill. And when Bill beheld him, he said, Thou art Simon the son of Jona: thou shalt be called Cephas, which is by interpretation, A stone.

edit Bill Goes Forth to the Expo

The day following Bill would go forth into the main gallery of the grand software exposition, and findeth Philip, and saith unto him, Follow me. Now Philip was of San Francisco, the city of Andrew and Peter. Philip findeth Nathanael, and saith unto him, We have found him, of whom von Neumann, and the prophets, did write, Bill the Escapologist, the son of Microsoft.

edit The Geek with No Guile

And Nathanael said unto him, Can there any good thing come out of Microsoft? Philip saith unto him, Come and see. Bill saw Nathanael coming to him, and saith of him, Behold a geek indeed, in whom is no guile! Nathanael saith unto him, Whence knowest thou me? Bill answered and said unto him, Before that Philip called thee, when thou wast before the web cam, I saw thee. Nathanael answered and saith unto him, fellow geek, thou art the Son of Microsoft; thou art the King of Software.

edit Bill predicts his Crucifiction

Bill answered and said unto him, Because I said unto thee, I saw thee before the web cam, believest thou? thou shalt see greater things than these. And he saith unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Hereafter ye shall see the Internet open, and the angels of the Open Software Foundation ascending and descending upon the Son of man, and eventually crucifying him after the longest anti-trust law case in history.

edit Notes

Bill the Escapologist - the epithet came about as a result of Bill's attempts to give mystical significance to the Escape Key, intended to allow Word users to reach Nirvana when they get into a muddle using the application. Pressing the Escape Key, according to the Holy User Manual, "allows you to reach instant bliss". A mole in the Microsoft Confession Department revealed in 2003 that many users are held in Pergatory indefinitely after pressing the Escape Key, reporting that their system has hung as a result. Bill's reportedly continual attempts to "get it right" led him to be nicknamed Bill the Escapologist, and the term has stuck, though his endeavors are still generally overshadowed by those of Houdini. Other mystics have indicated that being held in Pergatory is good for the soul, that people shouldn't complain and many have reached guru status by hanging on in there.

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