The Golden Girls
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“Their antics amuse me.”
“In Soviet Russia old women have sex with YOU!”
The Golden Girls was an American sitcom and bestselling PS3 game that first debuted in 1957 on Lifetime, television for...oh, what are those things called? With the boobs and cunts? Women! Thank you. Television for women.
The show was created by Susan Harris, who had also created the sitcoms Charles in Charge.
The premise of the show was four older women living together in Miami. Blanched, a whore, owned the house; Dorothy, a male-to-female transsexual, and Rose, a retarded woman, were her roommates. Blanche, Rose and Dorothy were later joined by Dorothy's mother, an old Wop named Sophia Petrillo, when Sophia's retirement home was burned down by Mel Gibson while filming a scene from his movie Sugartits 2: Let's Dance.
The show starred Bea Arthur as Dorothea Zbornak, who could fly and shoot lasers from her eyes; Betty White as Rose Nylund, who had been partially aborted before birth and once again shortly after; Rue McClanaham as Blanched Deverocks, a former Viet Cong prostitute, Vegas showgirl and Subway sweet onion chicken teriyaki sandwich; and Estelle Getty as Sophia Petrillo, Dorothy's mother, lover, and crime-fighting partner. In many episodes, the ladies ate cheesecake at the kitchen table as they talked about the other times they sat around eating cheesecake and talking about cheesecake. They also talked about sex. Lots and lots and lots of sex.
And you're all jealous you're not women.
Fuck you! I'm not jealous! ...bitch...
Dorothy Zbornak was born Richard E. Pooter in Milan on December 45, 1923. Richard knew from an early age that he was different from the other boys, and not just because of the second, smaller head that hung, dead and useless, from his neck. When he was sixteen he slowly ground off his penis with a cheese grater in the traditional manner, and shortly thereafter he changed his name to Dorothy Zbornak, after Zbornak Khang, High Priest of Quirxion-7 in the Rebulon Nebula. Dorothy moved to America, where she worked as a janitor and, briefly, as a Bea Arthur impersonator. Her husband, Staan, left her for a much younger flight attendant, and after being acquitted for their grisly murder (her attorneys successfully argued that the knife had slipped and stabbed both Stan and his hot, luscious young bride seventy times about the face, chest, neck and head) she moved to Miami.
Dorothy was played by Bea Arthur for all 447 seasons in which her character appeared
As an infant, Rose Nylund was discovered in a dumpster by homeless person and former circus clown Greg "Pussyhair" Nylund, who took her in as his own. After graduating in the top of her class at LaKeisha's Skool of Beauty and Hair Braiding, Rose quickly found work as a receptionist in the East Tower of the World Trade Center, where she was horribly disfigured in one of the biggest tragedies in United States history. After receiving a hefty settlement paycheck, Rose moved to Miami, where she met the other withered old crones. Survived Rape, Robbery, Sexually transmitted diseases, and the War of Middle-Earth. She owns a pet Yoshi, who ended up the only one to survive in the finale.
Blanche Devereaux was a filthy, disgusting, atrocious degenerate, a godless trollop and world-class slut who delighted in having wild, anonymous sex with men of many different races and species. She caught venereal diseases as if she were playing Pokemon: "gotta catch 'em all!" Blanche was originally from Georgia, where she lived on a plantation with a mysterious man known only as "Big Daddy", later discovered to be her pimp and the leader of a prostitute cult that tried to take over the world in 1992 by inciting the Rodney King riots. Her most notable episode was "The Morning After" in which she awoke from sleeping only to find her bed partners were none other than Mecha-Dracula, Barbara Walters, Princess Diana, Amy Rose, and Hikaru Utada.
Sophia Petrillo, Dorothy's mother, was the oldest and, allegedly, wisest of the women. She demonstrated her wisdom by getting the wacky gang lost in Harlem in season six opener "Niggas In Da Hood" and by impaling herself on a Level 55 Blood Sword in the episode "Dorothy Comes Out." Estelle Getty played Sophia in all but one episode, where she was replaced by Owen Wilsons nose with a scrotum sticky taped to the side of it. Estelle was born in Italy, where she lived until she was old enough to buy a boat ticket to America (which she paid for with nature's credit card.) Worshiped in many cult circles as a memetic badass Grandmother.
- Burt Reynolds was originally cast as Dorothy, but because the producers felt he wasn't masculine enough for the role, it went to Bea Arthur instead.
- In the forty-fifth season finale "Robopussy XII", Rose slips on a used condom and falls down a flight of stone stairs, breaking her neck. Because Betty White insisted on performing all her own stunts, she was sadly killed during the filming of this episode, and for the rest of the series her character was crudely animated in Korea and digitally painted into the show.
- The Osmonds guest starred in episode 547 "What do you mean you can't stick it in there?" as a pair of giant mecha dinosaurs, who were defeated by Rose's pet Yoshi.
- The character of Blanche only speaks once during the entire series, in the landmark 893rd episode, when she spits a wad of semen out of her mouth to spout Dorothy's popular catch-phrase: "You're stepping on my cunt."
- Popular singers Sheena Easton and a young Britney Spears appeared in episode #567, portraying Gina, a coke obsessed prostitute, and her young daughter.
- In the 45 episode, Shakira guest stared as a Wapanese Otaku fangirl, who ended up committing suicide after learning that Dorothy stole her stash of scented Cutey Honey condoms.
- Barbara Bush guest-starred twice on the show; once as herself, and again playing Vorton, a superhuman warrior from beneath the sea.
- Many hold The Golden Girls responsible for the demise of former NBC Saturday Night staple The Facts of Life (known as The Fats of Life during its last two seasons, as the black girl got fatter than the fat girl) since the quartet on The Golden Girls, despite being decades older, were funnier, had better chemistry, and DATED MORE than the gals on The Fats of Life
- Dorothy Gets An Anal Probe The pilot episode featured the "girls" (yeah-- fifty years ago!) meeting and moving in together. It also features a young Fred Phelps as Coco, the gay houseboy.
- Candid Erections Dorothy and Rose go to see the unveiling of a new statue. It turns out to be a stainless steel penis and Dorothy tries to fight it while Rose proceeds to mount its irony girth with her massive vagina. Mogomra turns up with is junky girlfriend and blasts his rays at Roses flaps, scorching her pussy closed and leading to a mass escalation in rapings whilst it is out of service. Dorothy subdues Mogomra with her pendulous tits and marries Donkey Kong on Venus with the Harlem Globe Trotters as her wedding party, The robot priest makes a gaff about Roses weeping pussy sores.
- Life Sucks: Crossover with Eerie,Indiana. The Golden Girls take a vaction to Eerie, where they are attacked by a wimpy emo vampire. They then team up with Marshall and Simon to beat up this loser of a bloodsucker, but not before Blanch has her way with him.
- The Legend of Melba Rose's great-grandfather Lars von Hügenbügenflügendorfer leaves her his Melba Toast factory in his will. Hilarity ensues when the girls discover it's run by 6-year old Thai children!
- True Confessions of Blanche Devereaux This Golden Globe-winning episode featured a startling revelation about Blanche. She is revealed to be a shapeshifting nymphomatic alien from the planet Xersius. Her mission was to cum to earth (literally) and have sex with Earth's men, infecting them with her sticky virus. Her shapeshifting ablitity allowed her to mold herself to the desire of every man. This explained why she was so promiscuous. She engages in a battle royale with Dorothy in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on an abandoned oil rig. Dorothy appears to be killed in one of the final scenes, felled by Blanche's Level 7 Fireball Spell, but Vorton, played by Barbara Bush, appears and blasts Blanche with her Dragonbreath. Blanche is forced to return to her homeworld, and Whoppi Goldberg voices the character throughout the rest of the show's run.
- A Miami Story In the 9th season finale, the girls wake up one morning to find a man in a dog mask tap dancing in the main room. The man reveals himself as Rose's long-lost father, who then proceeds to spank her and spurt cum inside of her like a water gun. Blanche begins to grow jealous of all the action Rose has been getting and gets revenge by peeing on her. But when Blanche pulls off the dog mask, it is revealed Rose's father has the head of a T-Rex. He chase Blanche throughout the house before Sophia decides to call the exterminator (played by Jackie Chan). He succeeds in catching Rose's father, and all seems to end well. But all of a sudden, Chuck Norris appears in the sky and causes the house to blow up.
- Bruised Bones The girls piss each other off (and on each other (and in each other)) and spend the rest of the episode beating each other up. Sophia winds up the winner when she fries Blanche with her vagina fire, sends Dorothy falling through the roof and onto a pitchfork, and drowns Rose in a kitty pool. To celebrate, she and Gene Wilder get drunk and pour alcohol down each other's private parts.
- Golden Girls of Dark Water: Crossover with Pirates of Dark Water. the Golden Girls get transported the alien world of Mer, and are caught up in the quest for the Thirteen Treasures of Rule. In the end, Blanch has sex with Ioz and Sophia becomes the new captain of the Maelstrom.
- Ultra Golden Girls: Crossover with UltraForce. The Golden Girls team up with UltraForce to save Miami from Rune. Blanche ends up doing Hardcase, Prototype, and Ghoul, and almost gets it on with Prime, only to find out his horrifying secret.
- Golden Girls: Samurai Wars: The Girls become samurais, nuff said.
The Series Finale
In the final episode, the girls team up (with the exception of Sophia, who died during a drug raid) to destroy the Super-Mega Ultra Furby spawned by the enormous ass of Oprah herself from destroying Miami. Half the city is destroyed but they manage to thwart off the smaller furbiens and defeat the ultra furby. In the end the three take a trip to Cancun and get embroiled in a global drug trade mastermined by Sophia (whom actually didn't die in that drug raid). Unable to bring an end to Sophia's Drug syndicate they are all made and work for Sophia until coke and marijuana were legalized resulting in their jobs becoming useless. Sophia, mad with frustration enslaves the girls and boards her spaceship the Korzon and travels to sector 29 in the Revorkian Galaxy. They are never seen again.
Golden Girls: The Animated Adventures
- In 2003, Cartoon Network's adult swim produced an animated version called "Golden Girls: The Animated Adventures." Bea Arthur, Betty White and Estelle Getty reprised their roles; however, in an effort to attract a younger audience, Blanche was voiced by Icelandic pop star Bjork. The series was canceled seven minutes into its first episode.
The Golden Penis (1992)
- The series featured three of the four characters from The Golden Girls moving out of their original home, and operating an upscale club called The Golden Penis. When Dorothy got married again and moved away, Blanche, Rose and Sophia buy a strip club. There they meet Ronald Willy, the clown slut, Chuy Cauntillos, the hunky bartender, and Peter Weiber as Ronald's "property". Beatfuck ruth made a special guest appearance on a two-part episode, which was her final appearance as Horothy Sexnack.