The Gary Numan treatment

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"Scary" Gary Numan pictured during a therapy session. The man behind him, is in a Numan trance after listening to Gary's music for two days non-stop.

The Gary Numan treatment is a whole new and exciting way to cure individuals from a variety of ailments and complaints via a system of listening to Gary Numan's[1] music and partaking in activities associated with Gary Numan.[2]

It is famed for being similar to a 'six step program to success in life'. There are currently four steps or "Baptisms of fire" as Gary often jokingly refers to them whilst briefing attendees during the first morning of their vital treatment. The treatment is regarded as being one of the worlds most controversial therapy treatments since it directly ties the treatment with the ability of a patient to pay. Alongside this commercial element, if the patient refuses certain elements, then he/she is only declared more sick and is forced to pay more to get better, thus creating a scenario of entrenchment.[3]

edit Films

15-cm KillMach 2007-1

Much of the treatment takes place on a special device for the patients to be strapped onto. The machine often writes their sins upon them with pins whilst Gary Numan plays an instrumental piece to mark the significance of the moment.

The first stage of treatment involves films. Numan however, was never fond of films and he claimed that he did not like them. As such, an undertaking of the Numan treatment means that films are not allowed, or in extreme cases a ration of films which can be watch but whilst immersing the testacies in freezing water. A job Numan himself ensured took place in the early days, now handled by a bespoke "scrotum cooler" in the application of the treatment. A comparable system for women usually involves not going near the females in the first place (the preference for the psychiatrists involved in the treatment) or giving the female patients more of a hard time in other tasks, such as childish misogynistic diatribes over their physical stamina to perform laborious/heavy tasks.

Other controversies of the treatment include memorizing a 5000-word essay by Numan detailing why he is one of the best artists of the past thirty years and the key differences in between Numan and other artists. Alongside this there are compulsory keyboard lessons to facilitate greater appreciation of Numan's music. It has been argued that this serves only to reinforce Gary's ego.[4]

The treatment is not without critics. Michel Foucault the well known cultural critic commented,

"The Gary Numan treatment is one of the most insidious institutions that have ever been devised. If there were any kind of decency in society this would have been shut down a long time ago. Its authoritarian leanings and its progressive encroachment into the lives of citizens are very worrying indeed. Gary Numan has a lot to answer for.[5]

Gary hit back claiming Foucault didn't care about others and was essentially a sociopath. This is ironically something that Gary has had to cope with being called himself many, many times. It is the case however, that Gary has considerable influence within the media and has been able to dodge criticism from piers and institutions, all of which he has heavily entrenched himself in with through his medical acumen and psychotherapy treatment.

Other elements of film therapy include watching 80's cult horror classic The Hunger[6] on a continuous loop for three days and also listening to Gary Numan's music over silent films. Both of which are intended to allow a patient to become more familiarized with Gary Numan and his music, in preparation for the treatment. The relevance of these is questionable, however unless a clear sense of process is engendered the patient will reject the necessity of their treatments. Therefore a number of placebo treatments and procedures are partaken by the patients to reinforce the overall process for the greater good of the patient.

Once these delineated parts of the 'film therapy' have been accomplished they are free for a week to recover from the ordeal of the treatment. Often the patient may need to retake this aspect of the therapy if they have failed to comment in a way that suits the ideas of Gary Numan and his psycho-analytic tests.

edit Are We Glass?

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Trent Reznor is one of the high profile celebrities who have endorsed Numan and his treatment program. Reznor is often seen at Gary's house or buying his albums which allegedly contain "healing properties."

This is considered one of the more controversial elements of the cryptically beneficial program. It involves simulating the condition of Asberger's syndrome, or being a bastard to those around you. Numan claims he has it, but in truth when a certain level in the treatment is reached he revels that he simply pretend to have the condition to deal with people and further his career. This is however limited as it has been pointed out that Gary has not made friends with his behaviour - quite the opposite. This has been a talking point for critics who claim that Gary's treatments and ideas are completely useless and derived from the narcassisisic ravings[7] of an 80s pop star.

In the treatment however it encourages family members, friend and the authorities to regard one as having a problem. The conditions that can be portioned off are hastily chosen by Gary and portioned out to patients as he sees fit. With his basic grasp of mental health Gary often himself dispenses the phony conditions and ailments with which the patients must have. Although initially a patient will pretend to have these conditions, the treatment will ensure the patient believes that he/she has these problems.

edit Cars

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An image of one of the infamous "treatment cards" used by Numan. Rather like the Rorschach Inkblot Test a patient is shown this image and asked what they feel. If it is boredom, irritation and feelings of depression of non-stop viewing for an hour, the potential patient must immediately start the treatment involving anti-depressants and giving Gary Numan their bank details.

Gnu

With an air of self assurance and knowledge, Numan seen here fields questions for the press. His confidence and charisma ooze out of every pore to the tips of his heavily dyed hair or wig.

The car treatment is similar to the Canoe in modern borstals. When attending the Numan camp for a time, an attendee can spend time in the car if he has accomplished the goals set by Gary. This is regarded as a high point for patients whilst they are in the Numan camps.

Film footage has shown this to be potentially degrading as attendees are often willing to do just about anything for Gary in order to have some Car time. These often including fellating animals or constantly wearing Gary Numan clothing and products - many of which incite hatred or disdain from the public, who view Gary Numan as something of an 80s fad rather than the electro pioneer he clearly is.

The car treatment is also one of the few positions Gary allows patients to keep, while claiming ownership of peoples homes, possessions etc. This part of the treatment serves the purpose of freeing up the patient to do what is most important in their lives. Of course this also allows the trust that operates in an extremely covert fashion to gain further revenues.

edit Drum machines

This involves people listening to more of Gary's music and then recording their responses on a dictaphone for Gary to listen to at a later date. This is the final stage of the cure and the patient can go home if he/she behaves themselves and agrees to yearly checkups in case the treatment may need to be repeated.

Once the patient is treated the patient is a patient for Gary for the rest of their lives. Overall many comment that the high costs of treatment and the loss of privacy is a somewhat unfair exchange since the treatments effects are often short term or based on buying more Gary Numan related material.[8] Controversially this is based on the MK Ultra program of the United States where triggers would force assassins into action - Catcher in the Rye being the most infamous example of these triggers. Comparable to this brainwashing,[citation needed] the Numan treatment a patient is indoctrinated into buying his albums functions as reinforcement for the patient to re-learn 'vital' lessons.

At the end of the treatment cycle, the patient is viewed as cured if (and when) the patient cannot possibly conceive that they could live without Gary Numan and his music. This is a factor most patients have initially however they lost it during the treatment. Usually it is to be reconstituted in a more dependent way once the treatment is complete.

Usually the treatment ends when the patient dies, and is buried in the Gary Numan "Cemetery of Well People", continuing the secular tradition of selling your body off. At the end of their treatment, participants can be interned at the Numan cemetery your subterranean remains can be serenaded for eternity by the speakers placed through the grounds. This spiritual place will play some of Gary's more instrumental material for the eternal rest of the persons passively involved. Some people are often buried together where applicable - usually finance being the deciding factor.

edit Results

Afterwards people often feel disorientated and full of ideas that they do not understand or know anything about. They are also likely to go through a stage of depression once the support and understanding that Numan and his minions’ offer is withdrawn from them. This is generally prepared for by staff at the health camps that ensure that anyone who has undertaken the treatment is given plenty of his albums and merchandise - all charged to their direct debit.

After years of controversy about the existence of results, The Gary Numan trust states in their brochure:

"After a time people adjust and move on with their lives or they continue on the course to a massive psychotic episode and nervous breakdown - neither of which our brainwashing techniques can be blamed for. Furthermore our elite team of lawyers will sue any publication for besmirching the good name of our pseudo-doctors"[9]

The static nervous breakdown is one of the alleged positive effects of the treatment according to tests - a patient can go for years just at the cusp of finally going over the edge. This essentially frozen moment of eschatology allows for the patient to go about their daily lives without the final push to overcome their problems. Patients often comment that actually dealing with their actual problems would be out of the question in their hectic lives.

edit Footnotes

  1. Franz Kafka famously recounted in an interview, "I used to keep trying to get a sneak peek into Gary Numan's alleged house which is apparently more like a massive 'Bavarian Castle'... it turns out he lives in a phone box..."
  2. What these are in there entirety is often kept secret and only revealed to those who have undertaken the treatment for some indeterminate time.
  3. Essentially this winds up as a situation where someone must constantly have Gary Numan in their lives.
  4. Something he denies, however the National Enquirer has backed up this claim several times, most notably in the 2003 spread abut Numan and Jessica Alba -a relationship she apparently left because of Gary's constant need of reinforcement.
  5. When Foucault said this is a mystery. He was dead before the true evil of Numan came to the knowledge of the world, so this makes Foucault prophetic...
  6. Not relevant in itself, yet it somehow fit Numan like a glove, ironically something David Bowie has said of Numan and himself.
  7. Numan's lawyers have informed us that Uncyclopedia will have to remove this statement and replace it with ideological ravings.
  8. There are so many people who revel at the opportunity of being part of something and being the centre of attention. These people litter the Numan camps willing to extend even the most dire overdraft situation to pay for time at one of the camps of therapy centres. Worse still are the pretentious volunteers who go on the payroll to enlist further patients.
  9. Uncyclopedia's legal team countered, and are in the middle of a multi-million dollar law suit with the Numan trust. This is likely to see the site itself go into administration.
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