The Garibaldi Letters
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- Warning: At no point does this article mention "Salami".
The first message read:
president bush is a tripod
which CIA analysts transcribed tentatively as:
tin pots desire shrub aid
Clearly "Tin pots" refers to "Tin pot dictators" and "shrub aid" is UN-speak for agricultural subsidies. Thus the CIA concluded that Canadian farmers were intent upon ousting the current president of Canada and replacing him with a puppet who would ensure their subsidised income for generations. As a result, the USA, using leftist guerrillas from the Che Guevarra Maoist Green Earth Faction, arranged the assassination of every farmer within a hundred mile radius of Alberta. This led to an acute meat shortage for everyone except the local wolf population.
A second missive was discovered when a Hymalayan yeti-finding expedition uncovered strange hieroglyphics etched into a rock at the 3000 feet mark on K2. Again the CIA were able to come up trumps and reveal that the message was in code and read:
gruesome lass threatens me
this was decoded as:
less sugar means more teeth
Such a combination of words could only mean (according to the pentagon analysts) the following; "less sugar" meant reducing the import levels of Chrysler-made spare parts (they being sold at subsidised prices to "sweeten" other trade) while "more teeth" referred to the Fundamentalist Right Wing Taoist/Bhuddist Revolutionary Faction which was operating across the Tibetan/ Mongolian frontier - who would gain in popularity if they were seen as challenging American industrial influence in the area.
As a result of this interpretation the President signed the so-called "Fear Finding" which allowed the CIA to spike the water supplies in the area with strong diuretics. The FRWT/BR faction literally "pissed themselves out of existence" as one Joint Chief put it (off the record, of course).
The third coded communication came to light when an unidentified Air Force pilot noticed that, when observed during an inverted half spin with outward rotation during a night flight (his oxygen mask had become detached as he was reaching for a stick of gum his wife always tucked into his thermal undershorts) the street lights of Las Vegas spelled out in Morse Code the following:
every spade holds dirt
which was translated as:
save striped holder day
When it was pointed by the renowned Dr Adolf Einstein (Holder of the Non-Euclidian Chair at MIT) that this assumed that the letter 'A' was actually a N-Dimensional character with the ability to double in phased space thus producing two 'A's' instead of one, the CIA declined to comment. Instead, they translated the phrase as follows:
"Save" was a football euphemism which indicated that a major play was indicated. "Striped holder" clearly alludes to the American flag. Thus, "day" refers to an action due to take place on Independence Day. On the assessment that organised crime intended to seize control of America on the aforesaid day (led by a network of casino owners and ex Bay of Pigs mafioso warlords) the air force "blew the s*** of of those m**********'*" as one senior pilot explained.
The subsequent damage to gambling interests in Las Vegas was over shadowed by the number of bodies buried in the desert that the bombing uncovered.
The next message was revealed when the British secret service, MI5, were tipped off that the arrangement of statues in their seat of government, the House of Commons had been subtly arranged to spell out a code using their body language. It having been the practice to erect a statue in the building's corridors to noteworthy former Prime Ministers. When Somapathologists examined the array they found that Sir Winston Churchill was telling Dame Margaret Thatcher (their statues face each other) that she "was a disgraceful old prune who led the country to disaster" it seemed that the tip-off was a hoax - until, at dawn one morning, the shadows of the statues were examined. This led to the discovery of the phrase:
my funky grey four i fussy math
which translated as:
On the strength of MI5's interpretation of this code, which was as follows:
"Huff my pussy" referred to the new British aircraft carrier 'The Lord Huffington' and an attack thereon. "You great fink" was directed at the 'Front for the Integration of Nuclear Knowledge - a radical group of London librarians hell-bent on spreading atomic proliferation on the ground that MAD (Mutually Asssured Dismemberment) would keep the peace everywhere in the world if all countries had nuclear capability.
On receiving this intelligence, the Government dispatched the SAS to eradicate every archivist in the British Library. This mistake was due to a typo in their orders, which should have read "Every activist in the British Library". No one has been able to find a book they want since.