From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Damn, now <insert name here> understands me when I said G-Man is damn ugly.|
|First appearance||in the popular videogame Half-Lyf.|
|Last appearance||Half-Life 2: Episode Two.|
|No. appearances||A lot.|
|Created by||Chuck Jones, one of the Valve's freaks.|
|Portrayed by||Gabe Newell, Emperor of the Valve universe.|
|Aliases||The blue suit guy, the ugly oldman with blue suit, that strange man with a briefcase, "the Licky Man".|
|Species||briefcassus suitus mysteriousae.|
|Age||Unknown, it is calculated that he has the Mr.Burns' age.|
|Gender||Male, with blue suit.|
|Date of birth||Yesterday.|
|Date of death||Possibly never, because the death is so scared by his ugly face.|
|Occupation||Everytime spies to Gordon Freeman.|
|Family||He hasn't. It is planned for the future.|
|Spouse(s)||He loves Gordon.|
|Children||None. There's a plannification for that in the future.|
|Relatives||George W. Bush (his brother), Blue Suit Space Monkey and Ugly Chick (his parents).|
|Address||He prefers to only wear it at home.|
The G-Man (sometimes called the blue suit guy or that mysterious man with a briefcase) is an enigmatic character in the Half-Life series. He's a weird old man that wears a blue suit and ports everytime a damn briefcase glued to his right hand. When doctor Gordon Freeman sees him, G-Man simply walks away (or hides himself behind a wall) and disappears mysteriously by unknown methods. Frequently, G-Man fixes his tie as if he were very obsessionated with his appearence (it is not known if he uses deodorant, of course because the videogame player can't smell it) still when there's no reason for doing that, because he still looks ugly.
G-Man was born in USA, somewhere, and is product of the marriage between a FBI's agent and an ugly gay sex orgy that smoked 20 cigarette packs per day before to birth him (that's why he has serious asthma, and also it explains his terrible voice). The "G" of his name means "Goomba". G-Man grew and became adult, so he gone out of home in search of a job. G-Man has been hired in Krusty's candies factory. His job consisted on just introduce a broom into the machinery for clean up all the damn dirty trash that blocks the system. His salary wouldn't be considerable, so he solicited a raise and his boss suspended him by 3 days. After this tragedy, G-Man sat down on a sidewalk and was about to cry, but he was very busy reading a
Playboy magazine newspaper searching for a new job. He was about to read the next page but he discovered that, for his surprise, a briefcase was glued to his right hand. He tried everything: knifes, handsaws, power saws, soldering irons, and more, but nothing worked: the briefcase was still glued to his hand. The boss cancelled the suspension and brought him a raise. The G-Man discovered that the briefcase gave him a very good luck. G-Man became the boss of the company, and, days later, he opened the briefcase and discoreved that there is a teleporter in it, so he pressed aleatory buttons of the machine and he was transported to Hawaii, where he enjoyed the best holydays of his life. But, months later, some strange creatures visited him from a far away galaxy and captured himself so now he can't use his briefcase to teleport anywhere. When the G-Man was captured, they've turned him into their employee. His job now consists on hire chumps that survived to the Black Mesa incident. One example of this employees are Gordon Freeman, Gordon Freeman, and, finally, Gordon Freeman. Now G-Man can use his teleporter to play hide-and-seek with Gordon every opportunity he has.
edit About his briefcase
His briefcase is very mysterious, because noone has seen it open because the G-Man does not permit that anyone know his most pretiated secret. It is unknown how the hell is possible that the G-Man knows which button to press when he wants to go to a certain location, but there are rumours of what things are inside it, and that there is a very complex scheme in Area 51 that explains how to use it.
However, if you are a cheating pump, and you activate “noclip” in either of the Half-Life games, allowing you to fly through walls while making scary ghost noises, you can go inside the briefcase. This is EXTREMELY dangerous because Gman does not like people doing this and may summon a Jamaican Grim Reaper impersonator to hunt you down if you try, and many crack teams of noclipping cheaters have been lost to the briefcase and its Regay-Regay guardian. However, sometimes, one of the cheating bastards comes back and brings back reports of what they saw.
edit Plans for the future
G-Man plans for the future have a family and create a world where everyone of the people will have a briefcase glued to their right hands. Their names will be: E-Man, L-Man, D-Man, O-Man, etc.; and the women will be called: W-Woman, A-Woman, Y-Woman, and if they are out of alphabet letters, the people will be named: R15-Man, U27-Man, T101-Terminatorman (for the robots), etc.
edit Personality and skills
The G-Man has a personality of a calm, mysterious, sarcastic, a bit gay person that all the freaking day is spying Gordon because he loves his sexy beard and likes to see him fighting the shitty aliens at Black Mesa, because the massacre looks better than a Rambo's movie. The G-Man has capabilities beyond than a human, because his briefcase is very useful, bringing him superpowers such as: freezing people in a dark void for God knows what kind of pervertion, disappear behind walls and huge monsters, disappear in situations where he has debts to pay, make surrealistic shows and monologues for Gordon trying to win the heart of his boyfriend, seduce and manipulate him. G-Man has a serious problem, when he speaks, changes the pitch of his voice like if he were mad, dumb or a kind of freak, but the realty is that he has serious asthma.
edit Love realations
G-Man is every, and EVERYtime spying to Gordon Freeman, a freak, nerd that scaped Black Mesa. G-Man is terribly inloved with Gordon and he will harass him by the remaining (supossed to be infinite) years of his life.