The Fountainhead

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“Oh man, this is better than the Enright House”
~ Oscar Wilde, on (top of) Howard Roark.
“In Soviet Russia, long objectivist novels write YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Ayn Rand's work
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Fountainhead.

"The Fountainhead" is a novel by an old Russian hag who loved to piss everyone off with her heinous story length and characters in said stories. Ayn Rand, the author, loved writing it so much that, a decade later, she rewrote it with more empty dialogue, more pages, and more stupid plot twists.

edit Book in Brief

"The Fountainhead" is essentially Ayn Rand plugging her philosophy, called Objectivism, which was actually ripped off from a Nazi-fucker named Nietzsche, who called his philosophy existentialism. Nietzsche actually didn't invent existentialism, but no one gives a shit about the Danish piece of shit who actually did. Also, Rand distanced herself from Nietzsche and his French followers like Ugly Le Nauseaface and M. Ihavesexwitheverything by not just saying "make yourself happy", but instead "make yourself happy as long as you're raping the planet, smoking cigarettes as an expression of how awesome you are, and fucking everyone who owns a business suit."

Over the course of the story, this guy named Howard Roark does nothing but piss people off and say "I'm Howard Roark". Oh, and he also builds things, which is supposed to be some sort of metaphor for Rand's philosophy, but unfortunately no one actually gives a fuck, and so Roark winds up on top of this building, and gets pushed off by his wife/rape victim, who is actually Nietzsche in drag. At the end of the story, there is only the sea and the sky and the figure of Howard Roark...falling down a massive New York skyscraper, still continuing some long-winded speech about the power of the individual.

Also, Ayn Rand wrote The Producers and included it in the novel, except without all of the singing and dancing and whatnot.

edit Characters

  • Howard Fucking Roark: A notorious douchebag who does nothing but state his name, rape women, go on gay pleasure cruises for months on end, and design buildings throughout the entire novel. Rand thought it would be clever to have him design buildings as a metaphor for him standing against the world, but all the talk of skyscrapers just becomes a bunch of different phallic symbols. He also gets away with blowing up homes for poor people. He is the only ginger in literary history who wasn't a flaming homosexual. Scientific fact. He also goes by HFR for short.
The Neitch

DomiNietzsche, right after she is raped. Note the 'stache erection.

  • DomiNietzsche Frankenberry: Daughter of some real estate tycoon, she is raped by HFR early in the novel. Rand gets really clever during this scene, using granite as a metaphor for sex. Nothing turns men on like granite. Considering that she is the perfect woman for HFR, she doesn't really mind the whole rape thing, and then permanently engraves him an invitation into her vaginal cavity. Then, because all women are whores, she goes around trying to screw HFR over, but he doesn't really care, and they both get really turned on by it all. She marries over nine thousand men during the course of the novel, three of whom happen to be Peeper Queefing (see below), Gail Whining (see below), and HFR.
  • Guy Frankenberry: Being a useless tool, Frankenberry is a desperate lout, begging for approval while not doing much of anything to earn it. Out of the blue, he comes out in favor of HFR, making him even more of a tool. He's honestly like the baby that Ayn Rand failed to abort after it crawled out of her shriveled-up Russian vagina.
  • Peeper Queefing: The man who could never pee, and doesn't know it. Queefing doesn't understand that the author absolutely fucking hates his character, and so sits on the toilet almost all day and does nothing but shit and try to pee. He fails to comprehend he has no urethra, which is some sort of metaphor that puts him opposite of HFR. After realizing that Peeper is no more than some fat clone of Guy Frankenberry, Rand leaves him out of the story, having him appear only when having a pussy bitch in the story is convenient.
  • Lucifer Gayer: A little old fruit who got tired of having Guy as his only gay lover, so he has a gay affair with Peeper Queefing. Queefing eventually beats him to death during sex (the old man was frail), but Gayer changed his will to that Peeper would get all of his sex toys. Being his first and only gay affair, Gayer represents not only the loss of Peeper's innocence, but also the loss of the tightness of his asshole.
  • Dyke: Surprisingly enough, not some dyke that HFR meets on a random street corner. He actually meets her cross-dressing at one of his construction sites. The two become great friends, but HFR's giant Objectivist erection for DomiNietzsche keeps them from doing anything together.
  • Helen Keller: Another character that Rand just simply got tired of halfway through the book. Keller helps HFR get some publicity, the goes off and does whatever for the rest of the novel. Many printings of the novel misprint the name as "Austen Heller".
  • Admiral Halsey: Rand didn't just stop with plagiarizing Nietzsche, she also stole shit from The Beatles. Apparently, the butter wouldn't melt so she put it in the pie, and Rand just completely stops writing about her after Peeper Queefing doesn't marry her. Also, it's quite difficult to plagiarize the work of 60's drug addicts during 1943.
Jello pudding

What Chewy probably looks like in the mind of Ayn Rand.

  • Worthless Man Chewy: A socialist who harasses Roark through his newspaper column, Chewy is HFR's main antagonist throughout the novel. How someone can thoroughly destroy someone using print is beyond me, but in the end no one cares about this guy, and he winds up being the man who could never pee, and knows it (he had a similar problem to Peeper Queefing). Rand think's she's clever, so she named his column "One Small Voice", when he actually holds a good deal of influence. See what she did there? Yeah? Do you give a shit? Didn't think so.
  • Gail Whining: Possibly the most pussy name in all of modern literature, Whining marries DomiNietzsche after stealing her from Peeper, but has a mental breakdown after Chewy buttfucks him, literally and figuratively. The two kiss and make up though, and make passionate love on the floor of the newspaper printing room. However, during the breakdown, DomiNietzsche leaves him to go get raped more by HFR, and rightly so, because as Ayn Rand shows, HFR is the fucking shit. He was the man who almost peed, but at the last second he decided to jerk off and cum instead.
  • John Galt: Oh, you didn't know John Galt was in this book? Really? He's been in this book for twelve years, watching the legs of random women as they walk down stairs. Dumbass.

edit Section Structure

To further display how clever she can be, Rand organized her sections in order from least objective to most objective. HFR, of course, comes out on top, as if the reader didn't get it already. There's also a super-secret, thousand-page bonus section.

edit Reviews (or lack thereof)


Ayn Rand as a teen, openly laughing at you for the misery she's going to cause you.

No reviews were ever made, because the book was too god damn long and towards the end Rand just restates everything in plainer English, making you feel defrauded if you actually got what she was saying beforehand between your furious masturbation sessions to DomiNietzsche. Pretty much, she flips the finger to the reader and says "Fuck you, all you had to do was read the last three chapters to get a full understanding of my philosophy...SUCKERS!" It is rumored, however, that one man actually read the whole thing and reviewed it, but wouldn't allow his amazing review to be published to people whom he called "moochers", and instead chose to publish it to his own cloister of "enlightened" intellectuals, who definitely weren't the Branch Davidians and definitely didn't touch little kids.

edit See also

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