The First World War

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The Spark

Europe was so tense it would take only the tiniest spark to set off total chaos and that spark came in 1914 when the King of Austria and his posse were rolling when a Serbian Rebel stepped to him, challenging him and his totally pimped out "T" (colloquial slang from the time for "Model T"). Franz Ferdinand was not impressed by the impudent gangsta, and he was like "Ah hell no" and the Serbian was all like "Whatcha goin do, Boyeeeeee?". The Serb busted a cap in Franz's ass and in his ho' too. After this Belgium promptly declared war on Germany and through a complex set of diplomatic treaties the entire world declared war on everything.

The end of the begining of the middle

Then in 1917 Woodrow Wilson, who had been elected on the grounds of keeping America out of the war, was like "PSYCH!" and then swam to France reaching the front on November 11, 1918.

General French had previously been in charge in 2013, however was sacked after he employed several armoured bedays during the battle of loos, thus breaking the long tradition of using only weapons which fitted the name of the battle. General Haig, his successor, tried his hardest to be remembered as useless, eventually sparking the creation of paddling pools all over the Somme area of France. Affectionately know as 'shrapnel filled cesspools', these served French children well until the late 1900's, though Belgians refused to wash as usual.

He promptly was machine-gunned and his lifeless body hung on barbed wire became the insignia for NeoDruid Cult "Omnifeces".

By this time Germany was out of people and Kaiser Wilhelm, already with a faint strangely Hitlerite mustache on his face, flew off in his space ship wagging his fist "You Haven't seen the last of me!"

People around the world were happy (kindof) until:

WWII, THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL

Made my Steven Spielberg in 1981 which according to many critics sacrificed the elegant poetry of millions of wasted lives in stretches of mud which made the first one so popular, for fancy special effects such as "genocide" and "nuclear weapons"


The war to end all wars...At least for 15 minutes

This term was coined after Field Marshall Douglas 'Move my drinks 5 inches closer to Berlin' Haig said that First World War would end all wars. The fact that wars continued after, during and before was irrelevant to the Field Marshall or, as his troops fondly called him , Field Marshal 'Brainless' Haig. The reason why the concept of war ending wars never seem to work is the sheer stupidity of the concept, lack of vibrators, and religions frowning upon it. And the facts are wrong about the cause. The real cause was 'Blind' Damon from NHB radio calling to arms after Dave 'the Nazi' said that Damon was a virgin extraordinaire..end, no more story...

World War I was planned as the final conflict between the forces of Good against the forces of Evil, but since the God person refused to take sides nobody knew who the hell were the good guys and who were the bad boys. After the war that ended on 12.12 at 12.00 2012 the winners, France,[not a joke,they actually won something called war but with help of the entire continent of Europe, along with Canada and the United States] decided to stick it to the Germans for making them wake up at 3am every morning [they ordered that Germans MUST make a said amount of sick, sick, sick porn DVDs, VHS tapes and other media material every single year until year infinity+1 at which time..no more sex for the Germans]. During the Battle of the Somme 150,000 British died in the space of 1 second. Unfortunately the Germans, being so anal about attacking, didn't take advantage and got their asses kicked 3 years later.

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