The Famous Grouse
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|Yon article may be overly Scottish, no British. Ye shouldnae dae anyhin tae fix it.|
“Got the little bastard!”
“Wha yer sae aboot me yer wee bauchle?”
Scientific research has led to the belief that the enormous Famous Grouse is a mutation of the common Scottish Grouse. The mutation is believed to be the direct result of the ever popular Highland pastime, inbreeding, mixed with exposure to leaked nuclear material from the many American Cold War missiles hidden beneath the mountains of the Highlands.
This particular Grouse was born and bred on the heather covered slopes of the Highlands. After a difficult upbringing avoiding egg-poachers, shooting parties, wandering smack-heads and the angry owners of various distilleries the bird beat all odds and survived into its adult life.
The natural habitat of the bird is the backyards of highland distilleries, siphoning Scotch from the barrels. It is rumoured that the beast can only be scared off the fiery liquid by reciting The Proclaimer's undeserved hit I Would Walk 500 Miles three times, backwards.
The Famous Grouse is roughly 12 feet high, 5 feet in berth and 15 feet from beak to tail tip. It is rarely in a fit condition to fly, but when the bird extends its wings it is rumoured to be wider than the entire "city" of Inverness.
He is ginger in colour; more frequently than not has diluted pupils, has a prominent belly (or 'Scotch belly') and is regularly seen walking down many a Scottish high street in an entirely non-linear fashion.
Accusations of selling out have come to the fore in recent times. When in November 2000 the gigantic bird was paid to lend its famous name to the relatively unknown Scottish whiskey brand "Unpronounceable Gaelic Gibberish", the brand's sales skyrocketed, mainly due to purchases by the Grouse himself.
With the fortune amassed from the sale of his name, the Grouse sponsored the even less known "Scottish Rugby Team", whose fortunes have been unaffected by the Grouse's magic touch, and can still only win at home.
Accusations of alcoholism have repeatedly been aimed at the Grouse. With the British public becoming increasingly worried by sightings of the Grouse riding motorised rugby balls, being wilfully kicked between rugby posts and poncing about in top hats and ice skates on national television, obviously under the influence of alcohol. When queried about this problem, the Grouse replied "yer maw".
After the recent controversy the Grouse appears to have gone into hiding. This could be due to either the bird wishing to recover from his alcoholism, the recent visit of the Royal shooting party or simply that he is too fat and ginger to move.
The last known sighting of the Grouse was in the car park of Falkirk Tesco clutching a paper bag encased bottle of Scotch and weeping for the loss of his ice skates. The public are warned to not approach the Grouse as he is known for his drunken rages, and he is, of course, Scottish, so naturally hates everyone and everything.
The Deity of the Grouse
Since pagan times the common grouse has been worshipped, and the prophecy of the gigantic Grouse Messiah was written down in hallowed texts centuries before Scotland and hallowed texts were even invented.
The prophecy states that once the gigantic Grouse Messiah is satisfied, the Whiskey Trees of Scotland shall have a bumper crop and a vintage year, resulting in mass joy, independence and a return to the past role as Leader of the Free World™ for Scotland.
This prophecy has not yet been fulfilled. On the annual festival of Scotchtoberfest the citizens of Scotland leave offerings of Scotch at the foot of Ben Nevis, hoping to satisfy the Grouse by getting him blind drunk. This ploy has not yet succeeded.
The Famous Grouse is reputed to want "none of that cheap shit".