The Famous Five

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Justin escapes the clutches of a group of Pikeys, following an illegal dog fight.

“Eats, drinks and lashings of mummy's ginger beer! Bully!”
~ Theodore Roosevelt on his time in the gang.

The Famous Five were a group of four fictional chavs and their trusty pit-bull terrier, Tracey, who feature in the books of the same name written by Enid Blyton. During the summer holidays they would be sent away in their modified Vauxhall Nova by their parents.

edit Characters

The four main characters consist of three siblings - Justin, Alisha, and Dick (who changed his name to Kyle in order to progress up the Chav hierarchy). The fourth, Jordan, is their cousin who lives at Kirrin Cottage, with their Aunt Fanny & Uncle Quentin. None of the characters are given any defined age, and the fact that they are not sexually active proves nothing as chavs are capable of reproducing from birth.

Justin is the leader of the group, and often arranges meetings at Smuggler's Top in order to secure crack and smack for himself and the others. Alisha is known for her terrific fashion sense, and procures sportswear for the group at bargain prices by beating the checkout workers at the Kirrin branch of Lidl supermarket. Kyle spends most of his time knocking up the local girls around Kirrin, and when he manages to zip up his fly he uses his people skills to convince animal control not to seize Tracey. Jordan considers herself a tomboy, but seeing that all Chav females are ugly to the point of being disfigured, her attempts to appear more boyish go unnoticed. Tracey spends most of her time devouring the flesh of young children, and contributes to the group by swallowing bags full of drugs to hide them from the authorities.

edit General Plot

The plots of the books followed a typical pattern:

  • The three siblings would arrive at Kirrin in their blinged up car playing R&B music.
  • They would proceed to beat Aunt Fanny to a pulp for not laughing at her own name.
  • Uncle Quentin would be next, for being a posh stuck-up toff.
  • The five miscreants would proceed to cause havoc around Kirrin Island, consuming lashings of cheap beer and Tabasco sauce.

edit Books

Here is a list of all published Famous Five books:

  • A Magical Five is Born! Let the Paternity Testing Begin! (1940
  • Five Fuck a Five year old (1941)
  • Five Go Down on Each Other (1942)
  • Five Go Adventuring Again at a Brothel (1943)
  • Five Wank Away Together (1944)
  • Five Go To Smuggler's Top To Get Wasted (1945)
  • Five Get Off In A Caravan (1946)
  • Five Watch Trisha (1947)
  • Five Go off to Corfu (1948)
  • Five Fall into an Interpol Sting Operation (1949)
  • Five Get an ASBO (1950)
  • Five Fuck a Five year old Again (1951)
  • Five Stab A Dyke Together (1951)
  • Five Have A Wonderful Time at William Hill (1952)
  • Five Go Down to the Sea to Hide a Body (1953)
  • Five Organize A Gang War, Film It, Then Post It On YouTube (1953)
  • Five Rob Oxfam (1954)
  • Five Have Plenty of Fun With Their Privates Again (1955)
  • Five on a Secret Trail of Drugs (1956)
  • Five Go to Billycock Hill to Deface the Road Signs (1957)
  • Five Behind Bars (1958)
  • Five Take an Overdose (1958)
  • Five fived the five all while fiving five (1959)
  • Five on Finniston Farm Sheep Rustling (1960)
  • Five Drink Scotch on the Rocks (1961)
  • Five Have a Snitch to Dismember (1962)
  • Five Beat Up A Blind Lady And Steal Her Handbag (1963)
  • Five Invent Happy-Slapping (1964)
  • Five Die in a High Speed Chavmobile Accident (1965)
  • Five Are Seduced By A Clever Online Peadophile, And Are Consequently Raped (1966)
  • Five Go to the Family Planning Clinic (1966)
  • Five and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (1967)
  • Five Appear On Big Brother, And Are Evicted In The Second Week, And Enjoy Viewing Their 'Best Bits' In Their Interview With Davina McCall
  • Five get an STD
  • Five defeat the shit monster

edit Sexual Inuendo

The Famous Five books are full of subtle sexual references. For years the books have been infamous for the explicit content that can be found frequently. This includes bestiality and lesbian sex scenes involving Aunt Fanny and Jordan. The names of several characters point to the blatant innuendo in this supposed children's book series. These include:

  • Dick
  • Aunt Fanny
  • Fred the Fiddler
  • Titty (aka Timmy)

The plot revolves around the sexual exploits of the characters, under the disguise of 'sniffing out the baddies'. Usually however, Justin finds himself sniffing glue, which he has a dangerous addiction. Other instances of sexual innuendo include:

  • The boys stayed close together, glad to feel each other in the darkness.
  • "Tracey licked Dick's head."
  • The door groaned as Dick entered Jordan's room.
  • Dick slid into Aunt Fanny's house.
  • Fred the Fiddler took Dick outside to play.
  • The monkey licked Tracey, who growled with pleasure.
  • "Do play nice Titty", said Aunt Fanny.
  • "Wizard", said Dick. "We can take off our bathing costumes if we want to."
  • "There won't be time for any adventure these hols", said Dick regretfully.
  • "There you see! You're all as touchy and feely as can be, Dick dear."
  • "Let's go have sex", said Dick. "If I'm going to do it six times a day, I better hurry up and have my first one."
  • "He always squeezes into mine sooner or later, don't you Dick?"
  • "Finders keepers", said Dick, in a curious sing-song voice. "It's my hole now."
  • Jordan bent down and pulled Dick roughly out from her hole.
  • The five curled up in their holes once more.
  • "That ragamuffin of a girl gave me a good bang", said Dick.
  • "I do wish nasty Uncle Quentin wouldn't rape us all quite so much." - Timmy the dog
  • "Timmy Don't you know the difference between my feet and my middle?Ahhhhhh That's better" moaned george

edit Criticism

Feminists complained at the suggestion that Alisha would make some pimp a good little whore, stating that it devalued women. After five minutes of fierce debate, the feminists realized that nobody cares about chavs or whores, and everybody had a good laugh about it.

edit Television

The Fives' adventures were dramatized in a television series that became popular amongst real life chavs, but was canceled when all ten viewers were nicked for watching TV without a license.

The theme tune was as follows:

  Wherever there's glue to be found
  Just a whiff or a pungent aroma bring the Famous Five sniffing
  Whenever there's a minor to be impregnated
  outside the local betting shop or down the off-licence
  (Chorus:) We are the Famous Five
  Justin, Dick and Alisha, Jordan and Tracey the dog
  We are the Famous Five
  Coming to get you, time after time, after time

Phillip Schofield and Richard Bacon both received CHAVTAs after appearing in this series. They are now considered propa Street, as opposed to Cul-De-Sac.

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