The Elder Scrolls: Oblivious
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“I saw a mudcrab the other day. It threw a spell on me I'll never forget.”
“This is a game about me, right? And what are the Elder Scrolls anyway?”
“Stop reading this. Now. Or I'll burn your dog and steal your lucky charms!”
Oblivious has a wide variety of unbalanced races to choose from, however, they all suck.
Altmer Also known as the high elves, who are really just tall, snobbish Asians with pointy ears.
Argonian They're basically lizard people, but Bethesda has decided to conceal this identity of theirs in Oblivion by making them look more like fish-men after waves upon waves of unsuccessful plastic surgeries. They, for some reason hate the Khajeet.. Kajit.. Whatever their names are. The cats.. Yeah..
Bosmer A disgusting race of hobbit-like people who are all voiced by the same guy. Avoid at all costs. Apparently they have an uncontrolled sexual affiliation with trees.
Breton The Jewish relatives to the Imperials who wish to get high off magic constantly while lacking in strength (so basically, they're the geeks of Tamriel). As the name suggests, they gain a permanent +100 to charisma when talking to the opposite sex, and can use the 'Surrender' spell.
Imperial White people. Naturally, they're the leading race. Yay for [un]equal rights!
Nerd [see: You)
Redguard The black denizens of the Empire. Having hailed from the "Hood of Hammerfell", they've contributed many things to the Empire, such as weed, hip-hop, and big booty bitches. To add to that, they're also a very strong race, skilled at running from guards and vaulting the city walls. Filthy sweetroll-stealing naggers.
Stealth skills include Talking, Bartering, Jumping, and all other miscellaneous skills that didn't fit under Combat or Magic, but don't fit under Stealth either. Lockpicking, one of the two actual "stealthy" skills becomes useless once you find the Pick of Destiny which unlocks every single door/chest/box/milk carton in the game, while sneakiness becomes useless after you make that 100.666% Invisible Gimp Suit you've had wet dreams about since you first bought it as a package deal with the Collectors Edition of World of Warcraft because it was so much fucking cheaper! Wasn't it!? Wasn't it!?!
In the game, the player must join both the Codices and the Forumites, and rise to the top of both rival factions, by fighting the opposing factions which are his own. At the end you will be the leader of both factions and you have to commit suicide to win the war.
edit Radiant AI
Radiant AI is a new AI developed by Bethesda Softworks which allows NPCs to eat poisennut apples and have a friend comment "stopp the poisen.", emergently walk into walls and intelligently kill each other because one killed a deer. Radiant AI allows for things like deer hunting to take place in the game, however, most of the time you just end up with two foresters claiming that the other stole their forks. Radiant AI is never actually noticed in game. (Correction: Radiant AI is noticed to the extent that it is featured on T-shirts which bear the legend, "Radiant AI: All A, very little I.")
In The Elder Scrolls: Oblivious, the player character is known to be mentally unstable. Thus, when conversing with NPCs, he is known to experience sudden mood changes. He will go from flirting with a NPC at one moment, to threatening him with death the next instant. This condition is known as minigamitis. It is caused by a surplus of minigam hormones is the afflicted person's blood stream, which negatively affect the thought process. Another handicap of the protagonist is keywordonical mislexia. Whenever he attempts to discuss a certain subject with a NPC, he is unable to formulate his question in more than one word. This implementation of low-intelligence dialogue is often praised by the Hardcore RPG community as being on par with that of Fallout. What caused an outrage was the utter lack of high, or at least normal intelligence dialogue. One of the lead developers commented: "Since it's about riding around on a horse and killing things off said horse, I can't see where dialogue comes in." Dialogue between NPCs is also ground-breaking, leading to philosophically-charged conversations such as: "Hello!" "I hear Eitar is stirring things up again." "I saw a mudcrab yesterday." "What?!" "Goodbye!" and "Hello!" "How're you?" "Have you heard any news from the other provinces?" "Nothing I'd like to talk about." "I heard there are goblins around!" "Oh." "[SNORT]" "Goodbye!"
edit Knights of the Post
Knights of the Post is the new official expansion for The Elder Scrolls: Oblivious. It claims to offer 50 more hours of gameplay. In fact, you'll only be playing for 25 actual minutes, and the other 49:35 will be spent wondering why the hell you payed money for this. It continues the storyline where Oblivious left off. The evil prince of the Codex, Vince D. Weller, creates a purely evil Oblivious review, which is supposed to manipulate the forumites into not buying Oblivious. Then, he opens an evil link to the Codex, which devastates the forum of Oblivious General. The player, reviving an ancient order of moderators known as the Knights of the Post, will fight to close the links to The Codex and to do fed-ex quests for the Administrators. Halfway through this epic quest, an ex-fanboy Beth Basher, the Admiral, reviews the Knights of the Post and kills the members with humiliation until they are dead. In the end of the game, the Codices invade the Forumites using propaganda posters. The player, fighting through the Codices, helps the Admins to reactivate the sacred Auto Censor, closing the Codex links and ending the invasion once and for all.
edit Christ Collector's Edition
Bethesda released a new version of Oblivion on Christmas (bastards) so greasy fans could buy them for presents and drool over the extra content, which was a lot, but was mainly a whole lot of crappy new armor you'd never wear, and a "collector's" key-ring, which you'd be embarrassed to use. Ever. The content includes:
- The Christmobile, with storage chest in the back to store all of the needless crap you'll find. Golly!
- The Coming of Christ, and the opportunity to play as the almighty ass-kicking Lamb of God himself, Jesus!
(Not to be confused with Pirate Ninja Jesus, which is another expansion for 2010)
- New dialogue! Yeah! Words, and stuff! Cool!
- Armor... there's shiny and heavy! Wow!
- All churches in the game are converted to Christianity! Yeah! And not the creepy cult-ey kind! Awesome!
- Instead of the Mythic Dawn, you're fighting Al Qaeda! Wow!
- Pets! That's right, you can own pets! Dogs and shit! Gee wiz! (Pets are not actually included anywhere within the game)
- Used can of pepsi! Sean Bean used it! But you didn't hear it from us, or we'll track you down and murder you in front of your family! Awesome!
edit Dance Dance Communist Revolution
Emperor? Council? Pfft. REAL men have friendly "overseers" and happy "thought police" that make your life better! The Almighty Overseer is waaaay more groovy than some wise emperor! Council? Why have a council when you can have thought police watching your every move, and a language that slowly condenses into minispeak! Doubleplus goodthink! Ungoodthink crimego minitruth. Have a happy '84!
edit ROFL Islands
ROFL Islands is the even newer official expansion for The Elder Scrolls: Oblivious. It claims to offer x (unit) (x > 0) more of gameplay. In fact, you'll only be playing for y (unit) (y < (x / 100)), and the other z (unit) (z = (x - y)) will be spent wondering why the hell did you pay money for this? It does not continue the storyline where Oblivious (or Knights of the Post) left off. The evil prince of the Codex, Vince D. Weller, creates a purely evil CRPG called Rage of Decadence, which is again supposed to manipulate the forumites into not buying Oblivious. Then, he opens an evil link to the Beta version, which devastates the forum of Oblivious General. The player, creating an arc of modern islands full of hackers known as the ROFL Islands, will troll the RPGCodex and to grind post counts of for both the forums. Halfway through this boring quest, a fanboy modder, the Dying One, hacks the Beta Rage of Decadence and put green arrows pointing the wrong way, mudcrabs talking about headcrabs, and ads for The Elder Scrolls travel games into the CRPG. In the end of the game, the Codices invade the Forumites using trolls equipped with proxies. The player, fighting through the Codices, helps the Admins to reactivate the cursed Flood Control, slowing the Codex trolls and delaying the destruction of the Forumites. However, that which does not destroy one only delay the inevitable.
edit The Elder Scrolls IV: Fallout
Political tension runs high in Cyrodiil, as the new Emperor Vince D. Weller has executed the beloved troll spacemoose for inciting rebellion and exposing himself in the Imperial City. The Emperor's political opponents, Nutcracker, vrok, and Cassidy, cried foul and started rabble-rousing in the streets, causing Weller to send in for the fearsome guard ViolentOpposition in an attempt to restore order. Meanwhile behind the scenes, the Emperor's advisor Naked_Lunch opened the gates of RetardoLand in the midst of all of the chaos. Naked_Lunch proceeded to give the Amulet of Kings to Nicolai and POOPERSCOOPER, who used its power to create a wordfilter throughout all of Cyrodiil, making communication impossible. They brand the Emperor a DUMBFUCK!!! and attempt to blame their coup on a bard named kingcomrade and a
furry Kajeet named Jasede. The coup fails, however, when the retired God-Emperor DarkUnderlord returns to power and restores order to the realm of Cyrodiil. Vince Weller, who was stripped of his imperial power during the coup, asks DarkUnderlord for his powers back so he can smite the revolutionaries. DarkUnderlord replied coyly, "Fuck you."
edit Hungry Hungry Hippos Edition
After Jane Fonda's infamous suicide attempt using a straw, a gallon of egg nog, and a helluva lot of soap, Bethesda employees were inspired to produce another steaming pile of worthless crap, otherwise known as Hungry Hungry Hippos; a total waste of time included in the GAYY Edition of Elder Scrolls: Oblivious, for the PISS 3 console. The story is as follows: After defeating Mehboobs Gayfop and saving the Communist Cyrodiil, the player is forced to endure two hours of the 2004 Hungry Hungry Hippos Championship (HHHC '04) between a Korean die-hard player and a Russian cripple. During the two hours, the player is subjected to hippo mind control, and ultimately is brainwashed into poaching hippos in Africa. Upon arrival in Africa, the player is abducted by HI-5 (Hippo Intelligence... Five?) agents and drowned in a warehouse filled with copious amounts of exceedingly rare rainbow-coloured cellophane, and brought back to life by Oprah Winfrey - a HI-5 agent. The player is then sent back in time, and is tasked with the assassinations of nine vewwy bad men in the Middle East, around the time of the third crusade. Following a lawsuit with Ubisoft, the player is stabbed by Altair and killed. Al Mualim is a templar, if you haven't finished it yet.
edit Downloadable Content
Oblivious has been given additional life through numerous downloadable content plugins. These small, walkthrough-packed adventures cost only $2.99 plus tax. These items are not in order so that the DEVs may overwhelm your weak mind and force you to purchase them all.
edit Deepscorn Hollowland
This undercodex hideout provides your character with safe haven. Those willingly inflicted (or shall we say graced?) with stupidity will find a means to be idiots, and if necessary, a means to strengthen their infliction. Hire idiotic minions, pray to the dark god Volourn, and a host of other functions await.
- A multipage lair for folks to find refuge.
- The Shrine of Volourn where the player may heal and be cured of disease.
- A Nick the Imperial, who the player may employ to troll in a most unseemly manner.
- An indoor supply of moronic threads, including the notorious cows.
- Various furnishing upgrades, including a Gay Test and a POOPERSCOOPER.
- A museum documenting the battle of illiteracy between kingcomrade and Bryce777.
Note buyer beware: Bethesa Softworks will not activate Elder Scolls IV downloadable plugins for PC but they will take your money.
edit Thieves' Den
This mod allows the player to visit Bethesda Softworks and destroy it from the inside. Includes one more cave to explore. we luvz u betesda!!!1
edit Occam's Razor
A great weapon of reason, which can kill a forumite instantly if he doesn't Save vs. Logic. However, they always do, rendering the weapon useless. But hey, it was only 3$, and you got a whole new dungeon to add to the other 200 identical ones.
edit Blowmyhorn Mansion
This mod generates a place of pleasure south-west of Carrol in that patch of land at the end of the yellow brick road which didn’t lead to anywhere , except an Ogre in the process of jacking off. After spending your hard earned golden nuggets you can access the two story mansion, which is in fact Carrol’s only gay bar. Upon your arrival, the player finds a group of men fighting over the way-too-mature pimp in charge of the place and consequently, see you as a go-getter. After you kill them with your breadstick, you may proceed to speak to the bouncer who tells you that the pimp had one last wank and died after taking an overdose of Spooner. You are then left in charge of the gay bar regardless of whether; your not gay, you have shagged the dark lord Shitass, banged the moth-mother or just don’t give a shit.
Inside you find that the place is pretty desolate as the pimp had to sell his prized possessions due to a lack of customers. It is believed they went off to worship the ‘Deep ones’ in Fuckdirt, south of Carrol but really they just went off dogging at Witherleak. To restore your palace like mansion you must pay a lonesome porn director in a tavern somewhere. You know where he is because you just do. As you buy back decorations such as the fucking-bronco, you learn that the bodyguards are awaiting the return of a gorgeous crumpet of a man who was last seen fighting for gay rights.
What they don’t know was that he was secretly turned straight...but the side-effects turned him into Michael Jackson and was returned under secrecy to the mansion by his Latina slut. Due to his perverted sexual fantasies he was locked away in a cave, which you get explore, with this woman....as his punishment. Fitting, I think not. Anyway if you find the secret passage you can kiss his wrinkly old ass, fuck his long undead biatch get the Hell back to running the business.
Notable features of the mansion include;
- The ability to get models made of the last dildo you took
- Models made of the last animal you fucked with
- A hermit who can change the flavour of your man syrup
- A pimp backup
- A maid who can serve you unlimited cream pies
- And a ‘dunno-forge’ where you have to decide what you want to make but you ‘dunno’ how
edit Mudcrab Costumes
Tired of ugly people saying how your mudcrabs are horrible? Then this plugin is for you! Dress your mudcrab with costumes of Uriel Septim and M'aiq; no more shall the commoners think your mudcrab is debuffed with -100 personaility! (Does not affect what NPC says)
edit ESF Refugees
Installing this mod puts a beacon on the player which attracts outcast forumites. These refugees inundate the player with whining, and eventually the onslaught slays the player.
edit The Pirate Bay
This mod puts a home for all the pirates. Includes one thousand of computer capable of playing Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion at max settings with 5500k fps, the computers have internet connections faster than light and have the latest versions of azureus, bit lord, bit comet, alcohol120%, daemon tools, anti-blaxx and other software installed, it also have link to the pirate bay. Buying this mod gives you the potential to get all other mods for free. Also includes one more cave to explore. Fucking brilliant, Bethesda.
edit Disapointing Neiiighhh.
This mod gives you 2 pieces of metal to put on the horse you paid too much money for, slowing the horse down and improving it's armor by .1 of a point. Enchantments include Slow, Constant Damage and Paralyze, so your horse will not only be absolutely immobile, but will die within a minute of you putting on the armor.
edit Easter Eggs
- One of Bethesda's funniest and most intelligent characters, M'aiq the Liar uses his cunning sarcasm and razor sharp wit to cut away at those who, in their stupidity, dislike the game. Despite being a game character, he has had a powerful influence in real life, leading to the creation of LUDLTUST1 association (lud-luh-tust) - an acronym for "LOL U DONT LIK THIS U SUCK TEHN 1!!!!!1!!1!.
- If you travel far enough beyond the border, you will arrive at the End of the World. Looking out as far as the eye can see, it's possible to observe Admiral Jimbob sailing the void. The Admiral was banished from Oblivious after attempting to incite a revolution among the forumites. OccupatedVoid, Darkflame, Romanian_Dude2005, The Walkin' Dude, OverrideB1, and Frankie the Turncoat can also be seen on the Admiral's boat. To see these martyrs, the boat must be visited before the final battle of the Main Quest, as during it the occupants are slain by Nick the Imperial, Imperial Freelance Knight and most devout of the Knights of the Post.
- In the far east lies a museum raised in the memory of the furry onslaught upon the Codices. It tells the tale of how the mad god Assrook and his diabolical right-hand man, Vipera the Dolphin Fucker, came upon the Codices and wreaked unspeakable havoc, and then how the subtle corroding power of the Codices slowly overcame the will of Assrook and began his conversion towards the darkness of the Codex. Little did the Codexers know, however, that the greatest furry threat actually came from within.
- Sometime when you wander the forests that all look exactly the same, you may come across a gigantic statue of Jesus holding
his pimp cane - beneath the statue is a small door. If you go inside this door, you will be captured by a group of grues which will then proceed to rape you, steal your enchanted things, and amputate your arms and legs with a blunt, rusted old ferret, and wipe your hard-drive clean of everything. Thanks, Bethesda!