The East is Red
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The East is Red (东方红) is an accurate and truthful story of how George W. Bush spread democracy and freedom all over the world, told as a musical-ballet. Our Dear Leader George W. Bush, the Holy Republican Party, the Christian Coalition of America and the American Petroleum Institute have verified and approved every word and assures the general public that this is the most flawless rendition of how Bush unilaterally freed all oppressed peoples with his bare hands. As the Bush administration brings democracy to every corner of the known universe, it has totally crushed the traitor Joseph Wilson and his evil wife Valerie Plame, to assure that liberty will not be assaulted anywhere in the world, especially our beloved, god-fearing homeland. We will plead our lives and continue to struggle for democracy in all parts of the world, and die planting the seeds of democracy until tyranny disappears from the earth.
The inception of the idea for a musical to tell the story of Bush's administration and the war in Iraq came when he read the Bible. He was inspired by the reading Revelation, especially the passage that says during the Last Days the entire Middle East will be covered knee-deep in blood, and thinking about the Middle East covered in red blood, he came up with the title. It was also said that the title was inspired by a song he heard God humming while Bush was walking in heaven one day. It supposedly went:
America is in a deep crisis. Fat-cat capitalists can no longer buy solid-gold Mercedes because they are being oppressed by high taxes from the pernicious liberal government, immorality is everywhere as Christian churches are being persecuted by the secular liberal government, and decades of lax persecution of gays and abortionists by the satanic liberal government have left the streets dangerously infested with homosexual Nazis and women who have control of their bodies. God is extremely angry at this immorality, and was about to release the ten plagues he did over Egypt to destroy America from the surface of the earth.
However, the Neo-Conservative movement started single-handedly by Newt Gingrich suddenly saved the America. His plan: to cut all taxes everywhere all the time. God saw that everything reverted to its natural order, the rich were getting richer and the poor were getting poorer, and he was pleased. He blessed America as the most business-friendly and worker-harsh nation. God pushed back the plague of human detritus (also known as Mexicans) which he has released on the southern border of the United States, and white people were rid of the burden of those brown-skinned half-humans who pick all their fruits and vegetables.
God was smiling on America, but overseas evil was brewing. Satan and his homosexual lover Saddam Hussein began a plot to destroy America. After a night of Satanic orgy, Saddam gave birth to Osama bin Laden and the entire leadership of Al Qaeda. The anti-Christ had been born. Meanwhile, somewhere back in America, a virgin was about to give birth but could not find a hotel to settle in found a stable in which was born the new King. The virgin wanted to name her son Jesus, but after discovering in a name dictionary that it had already been taken, she simply called him by his husband's name, "George." George was incoherent throughout most of his life, but he was loved by God. He only obtained enough education to become a carpenter, but one day when he stumbled into the Republican Convention where he caught the eye of a young Newt Gingrich. He eventually became the president of the United States.
Meanwhile, the spawn of Satan and Saddam began planning to attack America, God's most loved country, in an affront to the Lord Almighty. Their plan was so satanic that only Satan could have thought up of it himself. Under the order of Saddam his progeny, Al Qaeda, took control of five planes with box cutters and smashed them into the Holy Temple of Capitalism, otherwise known as the World Trade Center. The original plan was to have the Americans believe that Israel was behind the attack and it would trigger a holy war between America and the Jews which will end in success for Satan. However, it was apparent to everyone that Saddam and his consort Satan was responsible for this incident. In fury, Saddam went to his basement and began developing nuclear weapons.
God was displeased to see capitalism being assaulted in such a manner, and appeared in front of now George W. Bush and said, "Dude, I want you to like, attack Iraq." "No problema," answered George W. Bush as God soared back into heaven where he lived. After he came back to his senses, W. thought to himself, "How the hell am I to justify invading a country nobody in America gives a shit about?" That morning the answer came when he had breakfast with Cheney, and Cheney as his mentor said, "Why don't you say it's for building spreading democracy across the world?" W. suddenly had a revelation, and said, "Yes, that's God's plan for me in the world, to spread democracy and freedom all over the world." Meanwhile Cheney smiles, thinking of the profit from the massive amount of military contracts his buddies would get, and God smiled too as he sees capitalism triumph once more.
He went around America preaching the Gospel of Democracy. With such sermons as the Sermon of Capitol Hill he said, "The democrats will inherit the earth. Are you sure it's Democrats? Let's just say democratic people, the people who practice democracy will inherit the earth." His parable about yellow cake uranium was divinely inspired, he said, "Some yellow-cake uranium fall by the wayside, they will not become atomic weapons. Some yellow-cake uranium will fall to those who have gas centrifuges, it will make a mushroom cloud. The moral of the story: don't let Saddam use his nuclear weapons." Confused by W.'s incoherence, the general public allowed him to go to Iraq.
Before he could embark on his holy mission of spreading democracy and liberty, W. was betrayed by his own people. The gay army, which has been nourished by Satan for the last four decades, was ready to attack. W. was caught off-guard when the gays began attacking the institution of marriage by marrying one another, than taking up arms and marching to Washington to rid Congress of the straight people and institute a gay-ocracy, a government by the gays, of the gays and for the gays. The gay army swept from the homeland of Satan, San Francisco, all the way to Massachusettes. All over the nation straight men panicked, men who did not want to be forcibly gay-ified turned gay instead. But W. was calm, when the gays marched on Washington D. C. Bush, along with the last straight men, crossed the Potomic before the gay army could attack them. The gay army was frustrated, but not defeated.
But after Bush and his last followers got court orders nullifying the marriages of the gays the gay army lost all its power and ran for defeat. Gays, after 100 years of success, were once again being burned at the stake. It was a great day for Christianity. On a roll, George W. Bush began his march towards Baghdad. No longer being afraid of the gay army, W. began his mission to spread democracy and freedom. As he entered Basra, Bush single-handedly killed every Ba'ath member in the city and without any civilian casualties or "collateral damage." Bush then marched across the desert, personally sniping every Iraqi soldier that came in his direction. It wasn't quick before he marched to Baghdad. When Bush reached Baghdad he saw Saddam Hussein, he immediately threw him down onto the ground and dragged him through the street. When he realized that he had only pushed down a statue of Saddam Hussein, he searched through every room and hole there is in Baghdad and found Saddam at the bottom of a hole. Upon discovering Saddam, Bush then swallowed him whole, and when later asked what it was like to eat Saddam, Bush answered, "It didn't taste like chicken."
Bush's army then swept through the entire Middle East, eating every oppressive leader there was in each country. Everywhere his army went they received flowers and candy. In Saudi Arabia all the people who are now free gave Bush and his army showers of oil. Bush did not stop until every nation from Israel to Afghanistan were forced into democracy at the point of a gun (and learned to enjoy it too). God was pleased with the entire world becoming democratic and blessed the United States even more than he does now. Bush eventually came to receive the Nobel War Prize, which was created especially for Bush. When the committee was asked why it created such a prize, it answered, "George W. Bush has shown that peace sucks, war it way more interesting."