The Duke of Edinburgh
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“I am actually a large piece of cheese”
“Was this page put in by an Indian?”
“Any bloody fool can write one of these thingammys”
“When I grow up I wanna be just like him!”
~ Prince Charles on his dad.
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HRH Prince Philip the Asshole, Duke of Edinburgh, Lord Warden of the Royal Privies, Laird of Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles, Chief Lunatic of the Duchy of Gloucester, Earl of Doncaster, Lord Privy Racist, Prince of Greece and Denmark (House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg), GNVQ, Ba (Hons), ASBO, MAD, is an old and somewhat senile Greek bloke who just happens to be the Prince Regent of Great Britain, and mightily pissed off that he's not in control of the Empire. He is the husband of England's Queen Head, Liz Windsor, who is also quite pissed off, though she does not demonstrate this as vocally as The Duke.
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[edit] Early Life
Born in Corfu, Greece, HRH Prince Philippos Andreou zu Glücksburg of Greece and Denmark managed a small kebab-souvlaki store along with his best mate, Stavros, on a beach on the isle of Lesbos, traditionally the home of lesbianism. Philippos soon realized a career change was in order. After asking advice from his father, Prince Andros, Philippos decided the only path available to him was to join the British Royal Family and marry one of his cousins. Many Greeks complained that this relative was too distant to marry, but his sisters were otherwise engaged. He arrived in England in 1832 after a brief detour to Australia, where he upset a few locals with his inquiries about spears.
[edit] Middle Years
His really racist period. Here Phil went full-time into baiting other nationalities, pursuing his life long dream of erradiciating all those who were different: the black, the oriental, the Scottish, the Welsh, the poor (mixed colours), the poor (any colour), people who don't know him, and anybody who protests against fox-hunting.
He stood as an Independant candidate in the 1983 UK general election in the constituency of Windsor Castle, winning with a majority of 7,453,562. However, he only showed up at the House Of Commons once during his term as MP, in July 1985. He staggered into the chamber whilst heavily intoxicated and buggered the Leader of the Opposition with a 10-foot cucumber. Following the incident the Duke passed water on the back benches and then passed out in the Speaker's Chair. He did not contest the seat again in the 1987 election so it was handed on a plate to a young economics graduate who was having a homosexual affair with a Cabinet Minister.
[edit] The Year 2000 and Beyond...
The new millennium saw a new side to the Duke. With The Queen's millions of pounds to spend, he had many weird and Wonderful ideas. He was once invited to appear on BBC Television Programme Dragon's Den, but turned it down, as he was sure he'd win. His other Ideas included:
- The War in Iraq
- Another Audience with Ken Dodd
- The reformation of Take That
- Condoms for Monkeys
- The End of Global Warming (although many attribute this accolade to Michelle McManus)
- The End of the Human Race (When he dies he hopes to be reincarnated as a killer virus.)
[edit] Career in the Music Industry
Once singing in the Shower one day, The Duke decided to Release a Music Album to raise money for HIV/AIDs awareness. Simon Cowell decided to take a chance on Phillip and gave him a One Album deal, worth a reported £3,000,000. On 14th April 2007, the album was released and record numbers of People turned out to buy the Charity-aware CD, mostly because of the Critically acclaimed Duets with The Queen which featured as bonus tracks on the Album. After many requests to take his talent to the Stage, There is a Tour Planned to Start in September 2008.
[edit] Discography
"Prince Philip sings the Hits" (2007)
- 1 - Dancing on the Ceiling - Made Famous by Lionel Richie
- 2 - In da Club - Made Famous by 50 Cent
- 3 - Vindaloo - Made Famous by Fat Les
- 4 - 2 Become 1 - Made Famous by Spice Girls
- 5 - You Cant Touch This - Made Famous by MC Hammer
- 6 - Poppin' Them Thangz - Made Famous by G-Unit
- 7 - I Don't Give a Fuck - Made Famous by Tupac Shakur
- 8 - Thriller - Made Famous by Michael Jackson
- 9 - Under Pressure - Made Famous by Queen (Not the Queen)
- 10 - All Shook up - Made Famous by Elvis Presley (affectionattly known as The King)
- 11 - Ladies Night - Made Famous by Kool and the Gang
- 12 - Congratulations - Made Famous by Cliff Richard
- 'Bonus Track' 13 - Islands in the Stream feat. The Queen - Made Famous by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton
- 'Bonus Track' 14 - Favourite Things feat. The Queen - Made Famous by Big Brovaz
- 'Bonus Track' 15 - Secret Combination feat Kalomoira - Made Famous by King Constantine II of Greece, his nephew.
[edit] Interests & Charitable Work
The Duke, or Phil to his friends, is a keen hunter and racist. Nothing gives the Duke more pleasure than hunting Somalian refugees and southern rednecks through the jungles of Croydon (sort of like that film with Ice-T and Rutger Hauer). The Duke uses a custom double-barrel Uzi to kill his targets which he fires one handed from the window of his Range Rover.
As a Greek man Phil is a fan of hairy bum sex. This certainly explains the production of such strapping heirs to the throne as Prince Charles, Prince Andrew and Oscar Wilde.
Also, he wants to be reincarnated as a killer virus that wants to wipe out the human race. Yay!
He bears no relation to the Dukes Of Hazzard, or Duke from Tracy Beaker.
[edit] God Status
The Yaohnanen believe that Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, the consort to Queen Elizabeth II, is a divine being, the pale-skinned son of a mountain spirit and brother of John Frum. According to ancient tales the son travelled over the seas to a distant land, married a powerful lady and would in time return. The villagers had observed the respect accorded to Queen Elizabeth II by colonial officials and came to the conclusion that her husband, Prince Philip, must be the son from their legends. When the cult formed is unclear, but it is likely that it was sometime in the 1950s or 1960s. Their beliefs were strengthened by the royal couple's official visit to Vanuatu in 1974 when a few villagers had the opportunity to observe the prince from afar. At the time the Prince was not aware of the cult, but the matter was eventually brought to his attention by John Champion, the British Resident Commissioner in Vanuatu between 1975 and 1978. The Resident Commissioner suggested that the Prince send them a portrait of himself. A signed official photograph was duly dispatched. The villagers responded by sending a traditional nal-nal club. As requested the Prince in return sent them a photograph of himself posing with the weapon. Another photograph was sent in 2000. All three photographs are currently kept by Chief Jack Naiva.
