The Dictionary

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The dictionary was invented in the early 80’s by a young actor by the name of Emanuel Lewis. Already hampered by a growth impediment, Lewis was in search of a way to keep his poor spelling and language skills from holding him back any further. He figured it would be easier to unify the rest of the world to his own particular lingo than it would be to overcome his ineptitude and learn the art of vocabulary himself.

Thusly, Lewis collaborated with his mentor Victor Buono. Buono is better known for his role in the 80’s sitcom “Mr. Belvedere.” The two spent hour after hour researching the correct spelling and usage of every word they knew in the English language. A total of 2 hours was spent on research. Getting bored with the research, the two would slip into periods of complete drunkenness and would simply make up words and definitions. Together they changed the way Americans spoke on a daily basis. At least 57% of the words we use today are completely out of context to their original “true” meanings.

Upon completion, their 1st draft was immediately scooped up by Riverside Press and published without edit under the title “Webster’s Dictionary.” Strangely enough, Lewis’ original title was “Webster’s Talktionary.” Unbeknownst to him, the press operator at the publisher’s office was a big Gary Coleman fan. The young man thought he would take a dig at Lewis by calling him a “dick” and re-named it to “Webster’s Dicktionary.” Sadly enough, a typo occurred in printing, the K was left out of the title and the joke was lost forever. The press operator was later fired because of the incident and left the printing business to take up a career in acting. He would go on land the lead role of Alex P. Keaton in a new series titled “Family Ties.”

edit The Second Edition

In retaliation to the prank on behalf of his sworn enemy, Lewis went for the jugular. In the second edition of his talktionary, he changed the meaning of every word in the sentence, “What you talking about Willis?” to mean “Look at my tiny penis sir!”

During the three month period that followed the release of this second edition and before the release of the revised third edition, America was in chaos. Lewis was so concerned about getting revenge, that he mistakenly mixed up about a thousand other definitions.

“Show me your drivers licence,” translated to “Punch me with your turkey fork.” Police officers across the land were under constant threat of physical assault during routine traffic stops.

“My house is on fire,” translated to “Is this my dry cleaner?” Neighbourhoods were literally burned to the ground when operators at the fire stations thought calls were wrong numbers.

“Give me a large pepperoni with anchovies,” translated to “Put me down for 50 on the Yankees.” Pete Rose was ejected from baseball forever.

Coleman’s attorneys filed suit, or “slurped ladybug” using terminology contained in the infamous second edition, and the definitions were reverted back by the third edition three months later.

edit Today’s Usage

Today, the “Dictionary” has become a key tool for parents and teachers alike when they are too embarrassed to admit they don’t know the spelling or meaning of a word. “Go look it up in a dictionary,” has become one of the most popular phrases in American schools.

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