The Democratic Penguin's Republic of Antarctica
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- If you were looking for the page on the Empire of Antarctica, well sorry it was eaten by a polar bear.
The Democratic Penguin's Republic of Antarctica
|Motto: 'Proletarii vsekh stran, soyedinyaytes'! (Workers of the world, unite!)|
|Anthem: My vodka is frozen again, and I can't find my matches.|
|Official language(s)||Russian, Ukrainian|
|President of Russia||Laura Spatafora|
|National Hero(es)||The Penguin|
|1991, from the Soviet Union|
|Religion||Russian Orthodox, formerly state atheism|
|Major exports||Snow Cones, Vodka, Bob Saget movies, Penguins, Snow, Happy Feet|
|Major imports||Space Heaters, Linux, hookers, fire, sweet Jesus anything that is warm, blankets, cold corn, cold tobacco, Cold War, nuclear weapons, and coldsores|
The Democratic Penguin's Republic of Antarctica (Russian: Анархия, translit. Anarchia, the "ch" pronounced as in "loch"), or in short, DPRA, is one of the 16 republics divided in 1991 when the Soviet Union collapsed. It is part of the Empire of Antarctica, a large land mass that is the opposite from the arctic, which is also cold. Nobody lives there, except for the people who do. It's really cold, so you don't need a refrigerator. Some of the richer people there own refrigerators anyway to show off.
Antarctica is the fourth largest continent in the world, and is said to be entirely owned by the Empire of Antarctica, also known as that group of really cold, not very sane people. It has, however been infiltrated by some Soviet Communists, who maintain a secret base there ostensibly for "scientific research", but the likely reason is to gather intelligence on the U.S.'s top-secret weapons programs from a relatively undetectable spot. It is a shit job.
Antarctica is unique among nations in that it was granted independence before being settled.
The Kingdom of Antarctica has a longer history dating back to the first millennium, but nobody remembers or cares about any of that stuff.
Antarctica was settled in 1990 by Yuri Yarov, a millionaire from Murmansk, Russia. Yarov brought a band of 100,000 men, women and aphids to the tiny King Porge Island. They began what was known as the Great Failed Experiment. No one knows why it is quoted as a failure; this is thought to be anti-Antarctican propaganda by the rest of the world's governments. Yuri Yarov was an executive secretary of the Commonwealth of Independent States. See the "government" section.
Yuri Yarov, his 6 wives, 2,700 concubines, and pet aphid "Reginald" followed him to the mainland to establish a permanent colony. Once he discovered a planting method for cold corn and cold tobacco, he immediately set to work starting an economy based on agriculture.
Yarov received the Order of the Democratic Penguin's Republic of Antarctica on June 2, 1998, and he hung it in the Russian Kremlin.
Aware that countries like the Soviet Union and the United States of America were planning to claim Antarctica for their exploitative purposes, Yarov declared himself the "leader" of the small continent and released a press statement saying he had developed a doomsday machine capable of destroying the entire world via nukes. This prompted the United Nations to immediately attack the U.S. Navy, which had sailed south in an attempt to halt the progress of the new colony. Therefore, the Soviet Union was victorious in the take over of Antarctica and the Second Chechen War in Antarctica officially ended in 2006.
Antarctica continues to this day to be a completely anti-authoritarian non-state. Its media rarely issues important reports because the wendigos prevent reporters from going out at night and besides that, it's cold. An exception to this is the yearly punk rock festival in Yarov, and the occasional Linux update. But the bands tend to have no subject matter other than, "It's so cold," and Linux is no good, so the world's newspapers never report on anything that happens there.
To this day, Antarctic settlers never leave the mainland, due to Soviet and Russian communist and immigration policy, giving outsiders the impression that no one lives there. Many fear that they will be made citizens of other countries, or drafted into the Soviet Army.
There is also a secret clown school in Antarctica founded by Sergei Lebedev after he found clown Vladimir Rushailo's lost diary. Oops. Guess it's not a secret anymore.
Antarctica has a democratic government. It was formerly part of the Russian Kremlin in Moscow until the Soviet Union's collapse in 1991. Order is maintained through on-the-spot agreements and the total lack of useful weapons. (In the extreme cold, metal fails almost instantly. Knives can only be used indoors. But in the relative heat of Antarctic homes, everyone is always peaceful and sedate. Even foreigners have been observed conforming to this ethic. However during the summer where it is actually warm(er) enough to have penguins come out and start communicating about trade, and who gets which glacier to hunt from, a government does form.
The combined force of penguins in Antarctica is enough to enslave, butt-rape, destroy and recreate the world eleventy billion times over, but extreme and really freaking obnoxious cold forces them to remain unorganized and focus their efforts on discussing last week's "Grey's Anatomy". Penguins like Grey's Anatomy.
The original name for the non-state was Anarchia, but this eventually fell out of use. However the Russian name is still "Anarchia", a transliteration from the Russian Cyrillic alphabet.
Currently, Laura Spatafora is the president. However due to her sociopathic tendencies and foreign birth, he is only a puppet with no actual power. Acting presidents are Mikhail Abramovich in the Democratic Party and Ivan Korotchenya in the United Antarctica Party. The latter, Ivan Korotchenya, is from Belarus and was a former executive secretary of the Commonwealth of Independent States, an organization referring to the the 12 of 16 former-Soviet republics. Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, and the Democratic Penguin's Republic of Antarctica did not join.
2010 Federal Election
In October 18, 2010, Mikhail Abramovich was assassinated in Strathcona, Antarctica, after delivering a speech which was anti-Marxist and anti-communist, and spoke of freedom of speech and relaxed censorship. A pro-communist, standing just in front of Abramovich, pulled out a Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifle and shot Abramovich in the head. He was pronounced dead at Vladimir Ilyich Lenin hospital on 255 Lenin Street, Strathcona.
"Increased censorship, and the presence of personal security, is the goal of the state", said by the new democratic party leader Laura Spatafora. Unlike many elections throughout the world, the election is taken at midnight, universal time coordinated (Greenwich). Within a few hours the election polls were closed, and Spatafora won the election by 80%, forming the largest majority government in the state's history from the fall of the Soviet Union.
Antarctica's population is made up of Emperor penguins (give or take), and an unidentified number of snow ninja. However, some individuals correspond to more than one of these categories. The feared Yeti is also rumored to have come form this part of the world.
Antarctica's population is 625, and the population density is .2 people/km2.
The primary exports of Antarctica are Snow Cones, Vodka, Bob Saget movies, Happy Feet, Penguins, Snow. Imports include pace Heaters, Linux, hookers, fire, sweet Jesus anything that is warm, blankets, cold corn, cold tobacco, Cold War and cold sores.
People Of Note
Although Antarctica is mainly made up of penguins, one human deserves mention. He is known as Pinguster4, or Pingu for short. A dedicated penguin-lover, he settled here in the wilderness of the Antarctic and rallied the penguins to band together, even if the end result was a bloody plonter. However they may have turned against him; nothing has been heard from Pinguster4 since. As for the penguins, they are thinking of competing in the 2016 Olympics and are already speed champions online.
- The Arctic's mother's sister. Quite a cold and chilly sort, not the type you'd want to be hugged by.
- A type of ant that lives in the arctic. This definition is the subject of a heated (or frozen) debate as to whether any sort of aunt, no matter how specialized, could survive any amount of time in a Deep Freeze.
Other in use languages, although widely unaccepted include Chukchi, Nenets, and Inuit.
After Los Angeles, Bollywood, India and Kiev, Ukraine, Antarctica produces more movies than any other place in the world. Among it's best known works are April of the Puffins, Scott of the Sahara, Antarctica minus Five-O, and Beverly Tundra 90210. In addition, an Antarctican film actually made it to America and had wild box-office success; that movie is known only as March of the Penguins.
Some people say that Atlantis may be found under the unknown miles of ice. Of course, they're morons, because Atlantis is just a silly myth written by a drunken homosexual Greek named Platypus. Much like Antarctica. The myth part, not the drunken homosexual Greek part. Atlantis doesn't have penguins, though, which kind of shoots the whole nutty theory in the foot.
Antarctica is cold
A common misconception is that Antarctica, and hence, the Democratic Penguin's Republic of Antarctica is warm. This is not true. In fact, it is cold. Just to verify. Antarctica is not warm. It is cold. There better not be anybody trying to say that Antarctica isn't cold, because Antarctica is all over that shit.