“I once worked for The Daily Show as a correspondent. Behind enemy lines. Know your enemies.”
A flashy 3D news logo flashes toward you, threatening to blind you with swirling incomprehensible messages, which can only be interpreted by the announcer:
Cut to a studio filled with cheering disenfranchised politically-anti-involved teenaged voters surrounding a news desk, at which a Jewish Jack Thompson sits, scrawling unknowable mysteries on a piece of paper. He completes his mystical scroll with a few elaborate scribbles, then turns to the camera
STEWART: "WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!1111!1!!!11!!1!!11 WELCOMETOTHEDAILYSHOW I'm Jon Stewart MAN have we got a show for you tonight. Tonight I'll be interviewing... um... Important Celebrity."
Audience cheers wildly again
STEWART: "It's gonna be a great show, you're gonna love it, it's just your type, honestly. Anyway, our first story of the day: Republican Pundit does something silly in the gravitas-laden arena of politics... with a twist!"
Initial News Story
The image next to Stewart changes to that of a fat old white dude wearing a business suit shouting at nothing, with a caption of "Republi-dumb".
STEWART: "Early last morning, Mr. Pundit announced his plans to not only run for president, but also to run OPENLY for Grand Imperial Dragon of the KKK. Quoth Mr. Pundit:"
“I feel that announcing this will help to get my popularity up among southern slave-owners. It might cost me a few votes among darkie sympathizers, but I'll just have them shot anyway, so that's doable.”
The crowd boos emphatically. Stewart starts to speak, but lets them get on with their booing before starting, shaking his head and chuckling to himself.
STEWART: "Uh... wow. What do you even say to something like that? Maybe something like... unnecessary punchline?"
The audience collectively laughs madly at this coup de grace.
Stewart begins to sing some obscure song-and-dance in his seat. Audience laughs merrily at his banter.
STEWART: "I think I just sprained/twisted/pulled a muscle in my leg/neck/back/shoulder."
Stewart tries to stretch where it hurt him. Audience is laughing teary eyed at his self-sacrificial attempt to make them laugh.
STEWART: "No wait it gets better. To support his campaign, he opened, get this, a CHARITY organization for himself, where for every 20 dollars you donate, you get a severed head of a quote-unquote 'black-colored African-American'. I'm not ma—"
He is once again interrupted by the crowd's laughs
STEWART: "I'm not making this stuff up, people! Man, those wacky politicians, you know? To find out more about this, we sent in Senior Madeupwordologist LUNATIC REPORTER!"
Pan to Reporter standing before a black and white photo of a KKK cross-burning. The crowd cheers madly once again
STEWART: "So, if I can get this straight, you've gone and applied for a job at this black-hunting charity organization to find out more about it, correct?"
REPORTER: "That's right, Jon, and let me tell you, this is the most fun I have ever had in my entire life."
The audience chortles over the implicit irony of the situation.
STEWART:: "Uh... but, Lunatic, isn't hunting, killing, and decapitating a group of people for the purposes of a political campaign, you know, a BAD thing?
REPORTER: "No, Jon. See, the American people, as a whole, understand that our leaders, including those who have yet to be leaders but tell everyone they could do a really good job at it if given a shot, and those who say that they'll be these leaders if you give them a couple bucks to get some food, are always irrevocably right, and frankly *chuckles* between the BBQs, pot roasts, keggers, and sharpshooting from the top of a van while driving through the streets of Harlem, I couldn't agree more.
STEWART: "So this organization actually sends the severed heads of its victims to donating voters?"
REPORTER: "Oh no, Jon, that'd never get through the postal service, and we can't preserve them since people want a severed head, not a shrunken head. Mostly we just use the donations to make replicas of severed heads with foam and latex. 9 out of 10 racist bastards can't tell the difference!"
The audience has nearly wetted themselves collectively with laughter by this point.
STEWART: "Ohhkay, then, Lunatic. You have good luck with that, then."
REPORTER: "I don't need luck, Jon. I'm good."
STEWART: "All right, don't go away we have more coming up next!"
If you bought this on iTunes you can skip this. Seriously, they're under ten bucks, it's a great deal. Or you can TiVo it and just fastforward past the commercials. Cheaper that way in the short run too. You hate commercials too, don't you?
The spinning logo has vanished: instead it just zooms straight in to Stewart. He has stashed the scroll elsewhere, presumably to chant its dark invocations upon an unsuspecting anti-Semite.
STEWART: "Welcome back to The Daily Show. For a new, exciting, caffeine-free look into international security, we go now to this report by Female Journalist."
Pan to any of the following: an ocean, a busy street, or a pub. The name of the report flashes below briefly: "Everybody Really Hates Muslims Here, by Female Journalist".
JOURNALIST: "For many people, the word "Muslim" conjures up images of elaborate temples, bizarre, alien worship practices, and the complete and utter hatred of freedom, democracy, and everything America stands for. Today, I set out to find out the truth behind the certainties: why exactly does everybody hate Muslims?"
Pan to Journalist conducting on-the-street interviews with passers-by. The first person is an average guy with a beard.
JOURNALIST: "So tell me, precisely, why you hate Muslims so much?"
The man looks at her skeptically for a few seconds, then the view pans away before he leaves to another person, this being a young woman.
JOURNALIST: "I'm sorry, just need to ask a quick question, but why do you loathe the very existence of Islam?"
WOMAN: "Simple. They killed my husband, traumatized my son, raped my daughter, ate my dog, and stole my pot roast."
JOURNALIST: "So this hatred has nothing to do with 9/11?"
WOMAN: "Oh, not at all. Those guys were apeshit crazy."
Pan to Journalist walking through an office building, bugging random people
JOURNALIST: "My investigative reports weren't turning up anything conclusive, save for a lot of stolen pot roasts, although I wrote that off as coincidence. I decided to ask the local Head of International Security, Swarthy Xenophobe."
This segment has the camera going back and forth between Journalist and Xenophobe. Xenophobe talks over the whole thing, while Journalist studies him intently.
XENOPHOBE: "Well, it's really fucking simple, see. If I see a guy who's five six, has a scraggly beard, and a large *makes a motion over his head in a spiral, turbanesque pattern* woowoowoo on his head, I'm gonna fuck him up, straight up."
JOURNALIST: "That sounds absolutely fascinating. Want to have sex?"
XENOPHOBE: "Yeah, lemme just close up the fucking office and we'll get to it."
Journalist nods, in a very businesslike fashion. Cut to Journalist studying in a dark room, hair messed up a bit.
JOURNALIST: "Although the interview proved very informative, I still was missing one piece to the puzzle... what, exactly, constituted a woowoowoo? Then, it hit me."
A bottle of wine flies in from off-camera, striking Journalist in the back of the head.
XENOPHOBE: "GET ME A FUCKING SANDWICH!"
JOURNALIST: "Everybody hates Muslims..."
Cut to the poster for the movie Coneheads.
JOURNALIST: "...because of Coneheads."
Cut back to Xenophobe's office.
XENOPHOBE: "What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not talking about fucking Coneheads, I'm talking about a woowoowoo!" *does the motion again*
JOURNALIST: "But that's precisely it! The woowoowoo is the iconic cone of a Conehead, and using their bizarre alien technology, they have instilled a paranoid fear in the American populace of Islam for some inscrutable reason."
XENOPHOBE: "Fuck, why do I always get the crazy ones?"
Pan back to the studio: Stewart is evidently stoned off his ass as he stares at the now-active camera.
STEWART: "Huh? We're back? Oh, right, the show, hang on... FEMALE JOURNALIST, everybody!"
The camera goes back over the audience: all of them are applauding, although in a somewhat erratic fashion while they wait for the high to end.
Another commercial break
Ah, to hell with this. I'll just fast forward to the end. Unlike some people, I Tivoed this whole thing.
Pan back to the studio. The drugs have been hidden and cleaned up, as have the bodies from the impromptu meth lab explosion.
STEWART: "Hey everyone, welcome back to The Daily Show. Our guest tonight: a notable actor in many movies, the most recent of which is Comedy-Drama Involving Personal Growth."
Shows a short clip from the movie: with Important Celebrity speaking with Sexy Costar.
COSTAR: "You're crazy, you know that? Nobody has finished Key Plot Challenge and come out of it alive!"
CELEBRITY: "Well, if I make it to the end, then clearly I've improved to the limit of my abilities."
COSTAR: "Oh Everyday, let us make out like wild animals!"
Pan back to the studio, but not before a lecherous grin is seen on Celebrity's face.
STEWART: "Man, can't wait for that in theatres this weekend. Here he is now IMPORTANT CELEBRITY!"
A random dramatic tune is picked out as Celebrity strides out from backstage, complete with shit-eating grin. Everybody cheers as Stewart and Celebrity shake hands: Celebrity then sits in a chair on the outside of Stewart's desk and picks up the mug of whatever inscrutable liquid celebrities drink.
STEWART: "Thanks for stopping by, Important."
CELEBRITY: "Well, thanks for having me Jon. I'm quite the fan of the show."
STEWART: "So this Comedy-Drama Involving Personal Growth... what's this about?"
CELEBRITY: "Well, it's my latest movie, coming out in theatres this weekend, and... well, it's a sort of comedy/drama, but it has a lot of personal growth in it. I play Everyday Protagonist, who struggles with the help of Obligatory Eyecandy, played by Sexy Costar, to get through the Key Plot Challenge, which is this big challenge that is key to the plot."
STEWART: "Fascinating. And how long have you worked on this movie?"
CELEBRITY: "Well, it's hard to tell... I mean, I started this way back when, and already it's coming out in theatres this weekend, and I'm just... I'm impressed with how far it's come."
STEWART: "That's fantastic. So what's your opinion on the current political administration as it stands?"
CELEBRITY: "Well, as you pointed out earlier on the show, there's stuff going on like that Republican Pundit forming a vigilante group for the purposes of hunting... bla-... colo-... African-Americans. That's just ridiculous, Jon."
STEWART: "It certainly is. You're behind a sort of political organization of your own, though, aren't you?"
CELEBRITY: "Yes, I'm glad you asked, Jon. I'm forming the Give Money To Distant Country Fund, which aims to raise money to help the underprivileged in Distant Country. If you want to donate, then you can see Comedy-Drama Involving Personal Growth, this weekend in theatres: some of the proceeds go straight to this fund."
STEWART: "Well, that's a worthy cause if anything is. So, one last question which I'm sure a lot of people here are anxious to know... boxers or briefs?"
The audience whistles and catcalls for a bit.
CELEBRITY: "You'll just have to find that out in Comedy-Drama Involving Personal Growth."
STEWART: "That's coming out in theatres this weekend. IMPORTANT CELEBRITY, everyone!"
The camera zooms away slightly, showing Celebrity and Stewart still talking, presumably trash-talking.
One last commercial break
JINGLE: "Let's all go to the lobby
Let's all go to the lobby
Let's all go to the lobby
And buy a bloody TiVo already"
The end of the show
The audience tries to cheer here, but between the inhalants and the already strenuous cheering they did before, can do little more than muster a sort of echoing noise.
STEWART: "Hi everybody, welcome back. Before we go, we're going to check in with our good friend Stephen Colbert at The Colbert Report STEPHEN!"
The camera splits between Stewart and Colbert, who looks up from his own counterspell to Stewart's incantation
COLBERT: "Jon, those were some pret-ty harsh comments about Republican Pundit you did early in the show."
STEWART: "I didn't know you supported his charity."
COLBERT: "Jon, it's not that I support his charity, it's that I support Pundit. Pundit has been a unique figure in my life: father, uncle, priest, stranger with candy, Amy Sedaris: he has been all of these things and more to me, so regardless of my beliefs on the matter (and they are all extremely right-wing, let me tell you), I support Pundit through all of his endeavors."
STEWART: "That sounds great. You have a good show coming up right after The Daily Show, all right?"
COLBERT: "Witty one-liner!"
STEWART: "Okay, that's our show for today. Here it is, your Moment of Zen."
Cut to a clip of a goat munching on a tin can.