The Cuteyhearts

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Cuteyhearts
The Cuteyhearts
From November 2012 to May 2013
Hometown Somewhere near the North/South Carolina border
Genre(s) Pop, shit
Members Kelly Johnson, Suzie Derrens, Lindsey Jones, Carrie Swanson
Notable Single(s) Glitter Everywhere!
Notable Album(s) Supa Boom
Awards The greatest band since The Shaggs
Record Label None, because no one wants to sign them
“WE RULE!!11!1!!”
~ Kelly Johnson on the band
“You suck!”
~ Everyone except for their parents on The Cuteyhearts
“I'M TELLING ON YOU!!11!11!”
~ Kelly Johnson on what everyone except for their parents thinks about The Cuteyhearts

The Cuteyhearts, otherwise known as The Worst Band To Ever Exist, or simply just Shit, is a lab expirement gone horribly wrong. They formed in 2012 when they all got bored was tired of playing with Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids, or some stupid shit like that.

edit Early career

The Cuteyhearts was formed by two pre-pubescent girls named Kelly and Carrie. After years of being harassed about not having a talent , they thought they should form a band for no particular reason whatsoever, considering the fact they can't play any instruments (no talent, ahem). They then invited their friends Suzie Derrens and Farrah Podd. Farrah, hearing the band's lack of skill and talent, ultimately became deaf from a blast of feedback, and quit. They recruited several bassists before Lindsey Jones came along. Their careers started off from there.

edit First singles, and the Glitter Tour

The Glitt3r Tour
The "tour" they went on.

After rehearsing non-stop for two weeks and flunking out of elementary school in the process, the Cuteyhearts starting performing weekly gigs in Suzie's garage, where the whole audience was consisted of their parents and that the old Asian lady down the street.

Not only this, but they somehow managed to bribe a neighbor to produce a pop song for them purchase recording software with their monthly $5 allowance, and they released a single called "Glitter Everywhere!" Glitter Everywhere was released soon on iTunes and immediately taken off because of 5 deaths resulting of listening to it. Not only is the song bad, the remix is even worse, and who KNOWS who would want to remix a Cuteyhearts song. And the B-Side, oh GOD. Just please, don't listen to it. Anyways, this is their worst single to date, and they even went on "tour" because of it. Ms. Wu even came back as a DJ. Seriously, what the fuck?

edit Supa Boom and Rock n Roll McDanals!

Parent group
The whole Cuteyhearts fanbase.
A week later, they released their first EP called "Supa Boom," which sucks harder than the last release. Not only did they manage to make another cheesy pop song, but tracks 2 and 3 sound like The Shaggs got together with I Think Satan Likes Your Mom, took an assload of methamphetamine, and tried to record a doom metal album. The lyrics even suck. The only good track is the last one, because it takes their musical careers and combines it all into one 3 second song. To kick off the EP, they went a mini-tour and sold the album to their "friends." Most of their friends and parents media critics gave positive responses to the album. After a long, exhausting, and smelly two weeks of barely touring, they released Rock n Roll McDanals!, a song on why they like trans fat and toys and shit. This was their only cover.

edit Glitter of Lief! and breakup

The Cuteyhearts released their final single, Glitter of Lief! This single was really bad, although their parentssome say it was their best single. However, the Cuteyhearts went downhill when Carrie (keyboard drums) and Lindsey (bass guitar) realized that Kelly was taking all of the credit of the band. They got mad, and both of them quit after fighting about this and who got the last Drumstick. They then recruited former bassist June Richardson and Ms. Wu to play in the band. They tried to write songs, however June wanted to play rock music. She was kicked out, and was never replaced. They played one last show at Ms. Wu's house on May 12, 2013, with only a vocals-guitar-drums lineup. The band then broke up after Suzie Derrens quit.

edit DJ Paper Bag

DJ Paper Bag is Carrie Swanson's younger brother who musically sucks like her sister does. He remixes everything The Cuteyhearts makes with a pirated copy of FL Studio.

edit What to do when you see a Cuteyhearts CD

So apparently they got the local CVS to sell their CDs. I don't know the whole story, but all I know is that it involved talking to the manager. If you see a CD copy of ANY of their music, IMMEDIATELY grab all the copies, run like hell out the door, drive off, and start a bonfire using the CDs as fuel. Invite all of your friends, too - bonfires are hella fun.

edit Former members

  • Kelly Johnson - lead vocals, all the credit (November 3, 2012-May 17, 2013)
  • Suzie Derrens - guitar (December 2, 2012-May 14, 2013)
  • Carrie Swanson - keyboard drums (November 3, 2012-April 13, 2013) Left because she got no credit
  • Lindsey Jones - bass (February 2013-April 13, 2013) Left because she also got no credit
  • June Richardson - bass (December 23-27, 2012, April 20, 2013-April 30, 2013) Fell out window and broke arm, kicked out of band
  • Ms. Wu - bass/drums (January 3-8, 2013, April 16, 2013-May 17, 2013) Left because of creative differences, band broke up
  • Farrah Podd - bass (December 3-6, 2012) Permanently deaf
  • Jonny Lockton - bass (January 11, 2013) Kicked out because of sexism by the Cuteyhearts
  • Mr. Johnson - bass (January 17, 2013) Got bored
  • Summer Seri - bass (January 19-27, 2013) Hit by car
  • Katie Seri - bass (January 27-28, 2013) Hit by the same car

edit Touring members

  • Ms. Wu - DJ, keyboards, drums (February 2013-April 16, 2013)

edit Future

They will all drown in a bathtub. At the same time. In the same bathtub. The end.

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