The Cuteyhearts

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Cuteyhearts
The Cuteyhearts
From 2012 to Oh, we all wish they ended.
Hometown Somewhere near the North/South Carolina border
Genre(s) Pop, shit
Members Kelly Johnson, Suzie Derrens, Lindsey Jones, Carrie Swanson
Notable Single(s) Glitter Everywhere!
Notable Album(s) N/A
Awards The greatest band since The Shaggs
Record Label None, because no one wants to sign them
“WE RULE!!11!1!!”
~ Kelly Johnson on the band
“You suck!”
~ Everyone except for their parents on The Cuteyhearts
“I'M TELLING ON YOU!!11!11!”
~ Kelly Johnson on what everyone except for their parents thinks about The Cuteyhearts

The Cuteyhearts, otherwise known as The Worst Band To Ever Exist, or simply just Shit, is a lab expirement gone horribly wrong. They formed in 2012 when they all got bored was tired of playing with Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids, or some stupid shit like that.

Early career

The Cuteyhearts was formed by two pre-pubescent girls named Kelly and Carrie. After years of being harassed about not having a talent , they thought they should form a band for no particular reason whatsoever, considering the fact they can't play any instruments (no talent, ahem). They then invited their friends Suzie Derrens and Farrah Podd. Farrah, hearing the band's lack of skill and talent, ultimately became deaf from a blast of feedback, and quit. They recruited several bassists before Lindsey Jones came along. Their careers started off from there.

First singles, and the Glitter Tour

The Glitt3r Tour
The "tour" they are going on.
After rehearsing non-stop for two weeks and flunking out of elementary school in the process, the Cuteyhearts starting performing weekly gigs in Suzie's garage, where the whole audience was consisted of their parents and that the old Asian lady down the street.
Parent group
The whole Cuteyhearts fanbase.

Not only this, but they somehow managed to purchase recording software with their monthly $5 allowance, and they released a single called "Glitter Everywhere!" Glitter Everywhere was released soon on iTunes and immediately taken off because of 5 deaths resulting of listening to it. Not only is the song bad, the remix is even worse, and who KNOWS who would want to remix a Cuteyhearts song. And the B-Side, oh GOD. Just please, don't listen to it. Anyways, this is their only single to date, and they are going on "tour" because of it. Ms. Wu even came back as a DJ. Seriously, what the fuck?

Supa Boom

A week later, they released their first EP called "Supa Boom," which sucks harder than the last release. Not only did they manage to make another cheesy pop song, but tracks 2 and 3 sound like The Shaggs got together with I Think Satan Likes Your Mom, took an assload of methamphetamine, and tried to record a doom metal album. The lyrics even suck. The only good track is the last one, because it takes their musical careers and combines it all into one 3 second song.

What to do when you see a Cuteyhearts CD

So apparently they got the local CVS to sell their CDs. I don't know the whole story, but all I know is that it involved talking to the manager. If you see a CD copy of ANY of their music, IMMEDIATELY grab all the copies, run like hell out the door, drive off, and start a bonfire using the CDs as fuel. Invite all of your friends, too - bonfires are hella fun.

Members

  • Kelly Johnson - lead vocals, all the credit (November 2012-persent)
  • Suzie Derrens - guitar (December 2012-present)
  • Lindsey Jones - bass (February 2013-present)
  • Carrie Swanson - keyboard drums (November 2012-present)

Touring members

  • Ms. Wu - DJ, keyboards, drums (February 2013-present)

Former members

  • Farrah Podd - bass (December 3-6, 2012) Permanently deaf
  • Oscar Wilde - bass (December 16-17, 2012) Kicked out because of age difference
  • June Richardson - bass (December 23-27, 2012) Jumped out window and broke arm
  • Ms. Wu - bass (January 3-8, 2013) Left because of creative differences
  • Jonny Lockton - bass (January 11, 2013) Kicked out because of sexism by the Cuteyhearts
  • Mr. Johnson - bass (January 17, 2013) Got bored
  • Summer Seri - bass (January 19-27, 2013) Hit by car
  • Katie Seri - bass (January 27-28, 2013) Hit by the same car

Future

They will all drown in a bathtub. At the same time. In the same bathtub. The end.

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