The Crime Gang

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Made famous by their many daring acts of illegalism and violence, The Crime Gang are well-remembered as Bournemouth's most nasty criminal gang. Their crime spree ended in 1970, and to many inhabitants of The City the days when one could not walk down the street without being attacked by a violent and disturbing headline are now but a distant memory. A distant, deeply unpleasant, memory.

edit Members of the Crime Gang

edit Vincent "The Gangster" Viscotti


Viscotti, you are the quarry.

Born in 1943 to two mothers and three fathers, Vincent "The Gangster" Viscotti spent his life prior to founding the Crime Gang bouncing from job to job. Over these years he was to work as a nightclub bouncer, a forger and a Radio 1 DJ. None of these, however, were to provide Viscotti with the fear and respect which his ego demanded, and in 1965 Vincent left his job at Harrods to become Vincent "The Gangster" Viscotti.

As the leader of the Crime Gang, Viscotti rapidly gathered his lieutenants and proceeded to mastermind a series of daring criminal acts, detailed below. The infamy which he gained from these illegalisms made Viscotti into some sort of popular hero with the dispossessed and downtrodden of Bournemouth.

Today Viscotti is still remembered in several drinking games. Most notable is the ever-popular Bar Brawl, the aim of which is to empty your glass into your opponent's face and then escape with as few scars as possible.

edit Daffy "The Duck" Rodriguez


"The Duck"'s photograph from the police line-up.

As a Mexican national, Daffy "The Duck" Rodriguez's innate knowledge of socks was to be invaluable to the Crime Gang during the infamous Sock Heist of'69. Viscotti did not, however, count for Rodriguez's past catching up with him. On April 9th 1970, as the Crime Gang were relaxing in the Dog and Other Dog, a Bournemouth drinking establishment, Rodriguez was shot in the face at point-blank range by a nameless bald assassin wielding a shotgun and wearing a deerstalker. Said assassin was gone before the smoke cleared.

Fortunately for the Crime Gang, "The Duck" was made of sterner stuff, and suffered only a 180-degree beak inversion. After a five-day operation by gangland medic Dr. Stitches, Daffy "The Duck" Rodriguez was back on form and capable of talking, and wasted no time in declaring revenge on rival criminal organisation Criminals Inc., crying "You do realise this means war!". It was this vendetta which was to drop the Crime Gang into hot water.

edit Ricky "The Aubergine" Ronaldo


Prison is said to have mellowed "The Aubergine" out somewhat.

Instituted in the Crime Gang at Viscotti's insistence, Ricky "The Aubergine" Ronaldo was an expert in psychological warfare. An enemy of the Crime Gang who has insisted on withholding his name has much to tell of "The Aubergine"'s methods of operation:

“They took me and tied me down in a cellar. There was only one bare lightbulb, the chair, and a table opposite me. Then about an hour later, the walking duck and the kid came in and put an aubergine on the table. Then they left me for about five hours again. When they came back I asked if they were done, and they said yes, and that they bet I wouldn't try anything now I knew the shit they could pull on me. After that they let me out. I'm still not sure what the point of the whole thing was.”
~ Billy "Bingbongabingbang" Brown on Ricky "The Aubergine" Ronaldo

edit Noel "The Homosexual" Coward


Just look at those eyes.

Noel is famous not only as the Crime Gang's forger, but also as a playwright, actor, social engineer and flamboyant homosexual. For Coward, however, mere homosexuality was not enough. Noel "The Homosexual" Coward was a special kind of homosexual: he was only able to achieve climax when making love to a nude blonde woman.

Upon his arrest, Coward was tried apart from the rest of the Crime Gang, in Homosexual's Court. He pleaded guilty to fifty-seven counts of buggeration, thirty counts of sodomy, and a string of five rogerings, and was sentenced to life in prison. As the judge said, "If there's one place we can be sure that the defendant will be isolated from his homosexual impulses, it is being locked in a building with lots of burly men in uniforms."

edit Joe "Piano" Henderson

Joe henderson

Joe "Piano" Henderson was named after his signature weapon, a 136kg upright piano. Discovered in a Cockney drinking-den having defeated a total of eight assailants with a rendition of Whoops, Mrs. Rothschild, How's Your Apples And Pears?, Viscotti quickly recognised Henderson's talent with the piano and hired him as a Crime Gang enforcer on the spot. Joe "Piano" Henderson is believed to have been responsible for a total of nineteen crushings during the height of the Crime Gang's power, and is to this day a fugitive on the run from the law.

edit Harry "The Utter Shit" Lawton

Utter shit

The last known picture of Lawton, before the police photographer was shot.

Lawton was hired by Viscotti as the Crime Gang's public relations officer. With a track record of successfully rebranding the Mafia, the Kray Brothers and the Triad, Lawton got rapidly to work on the Crime Gang.

His first step was to encourage the wearing of so-called "bling" amongst the members of the gang. Joe "Piano" Henderson was given a studded medallion the size and shape of a small piano. Viscotti was persuaded to grow extra fingers in order to wear all the rings recommended by Lawton. Ricky "The Aubergine" Ronaldo was fitted with diamond studs.

Aside from Joe "Piano" Henderson, Harry "The Utter Shit" Lawton remains the only member of the Crime Gang at large. Lawton was captured during the police raid, but a hurried search and frisking allowed Lawton to hide a 9mm pistol behind a large wad of money. This was to be the police's downfall: when it was his turn to have a file photo taken, Lawton shot the photographer and escaped into the murky back alleys of Bournesmouth's West Side.

edit Famous Illegalisms

edit The Mainfield Park Incident

Public garden

Bournemouth City Council officials were said to be "slightly concerned" by the incident.

The Mainfield Park Incident was a carefully-planned attack upon the city which Viscotti believed to have betrayed them. At 10:00 on July 7th 1965 Viscotti and Lawton converged on the park from Frapataptap Street to the north while Rodriguez and Henderson approached via Wangfoster Road from the south. With Coward keeping a look-out on the corner of Frapataptap and Garther, the four criminals planned to walk on the grass for a total of thirty minutes, despite the prominently-placed "DO NOT WALK ON THE GRASS" sign. The exercise was cut short after a mere fifteen, when Coward spotted an old lady heading towards the park down O'horrhorrorrhorrhorr Avenue, and the Crime Gang were able to make a clean getaway.

edit The Municipal Library Heist

A cunning scheme masterminded, once again, by Viscotti, the Municipal Library Heist took place between January 3rd and March 9th of 1967. In this scam, various members of the Crime Gang would "borrow" books from the Bournemouth Municipal Library, only to return the exact same books two weeks later.

edit The Protection Racket

Not strictly a planned scheme, the Protection Racket was the name of an initiative spearheaded by Lawton whereby all members of the Crime Gang were persuaded to carry a tennis racket with which they could deflect grenades hurled at them by the Gang's enemies.

edit Rivalry with Criminals Inc.

Following "The Duck"'s near-assassination, the Crime Gang began an epic vendetta with the believed force behind the assassination, Criminals Inc. They took out their anger on locations they believed to be safe-houses, drug factories and gun warehouses belonging to Criminals Inc.. Following the discovery that no such organisation existed within Bournemouth, and "Criminals Inc." had all been nothing more than the work of "The Duck"'s overactive imagination, Viscotti was faced with a difficult decision. He could turn around and abandon a war which he could not win, or he could maintain his belief in the existence of Criminals Inc. and continue the random demolition of bus stops, public libraries, and climbing frames.

It was a difficult decision to make, and one on which the gang's future was to hang.

edit Police involvement, and the end of the Crime Gang

On 1 June 1970, Joe "Piano" Henderson was sent to destroy St. Crumble's School for the Abnormally Hungry, under the belief that this was a front for a Criminals Inc. bordello. This was the end for the Crime Gang: even the police were forced to sit up and take notice. The raid came on 13 July 1970, catching the Crime Gang -- except for Henderson, who was fortunate enough to be away giving piano tuition to Betsy, a 9-year old child (and suspected accomplice) at the time -- unawares. A fortnight later, Henderson was surrounded at home by an armed police team. The police, however, had not bargained for "Elsie-May", the 512kg grand piano kept by Henderson for occasions such as these. Three officers were killed and a further two suffered broken ribs, and Henderson has yet to be found.

Personal tools