The Creating Philosophers
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The Creating Philosophers created most of the innovations that are the underpinning of modern life that we take for granted, such as the sitcom, the potato chip, and the flush toilet. Their contributions to the scientific and philosophical community are profound, and are the reason the human race is more than a bunch of mud monkeys, though not much more.
Many of these great thinkers nevertheless have their own articles in UNCYCLOPEDIA.
Testiclēs (pronounced Test-ih-cleez) was a Greek philosopher who created the number 2. In the time of the Greeks, the class of thinkers called "philosophers" included many inconsequential ones, though one of these devised the number 1. They all thought that 1 was all they needed, but then Testiclēs posited the classic question, to-wit: "What's one plus one?" Testiclēs went into seclusion for 22 years trying to discover the answer to this question. When he returned with the answer, he went forth to spread the knowledge of "number 2."
At length, a reformer named Anus Golophagus charged that Testiclēs was a "miscreant who makes up preposterous theorems solely to attract attention." Testiclēs was eventually sent to prison and was tortured for crimes against science, state, and the gods, both of them. The Greeks eventually came to understand that 2 was the answer to the classic question, and sent for Testiclēs, intending to apologize for the false accusation, give him a public-sector pension, and declare him a national hero. Only, someone remembered they had forced him to drink a cup of poison a decade earlier. There is a moral to this story, somewhere.
edit Franklin Wiser Runsalot
Franklin Wiser Runslalot was the man who invented running, which was before most humans knew language. Franklin's village was plauged by man-eating lions and aquabears, and he resolved to devise a method to escape these predators faster than before. After a week of tests and animal attacks, Franklin Wiser Runsalot created running, which saved his village and helped many coming generations escape things that could smack them dead.
Strideicus was one of Testiclēs's interns when he thought of short distance running. After designing the original suit to be able to run short distances of about 100 meters, he tried to configure the suit to be better and make short distance running easy. After finishing the suit, he called the short distance running a "strider".
edit Charles H. Rainington
Charles H. Rainington was a man with a tragic story of a life. He tried to invent the number 3 to follow in the footsteps of his idol, Testiclēs. Unfortunately, his experiment failed and inadvertently created rain, which made him question the power of philosophy and science. Three dreary weeks later, he was unanimously voted off the planet.
edit Sir Arthur McUphill
Sir Arthur McUphill was an 18th-century Briton, but he was not a good guy. Sir Arthur McUphill had plans of dominating the human and some rock races through the philosophy that Testiclēs used. With the knowledge that Testiclēs had brought to the earth with his invention of the number 2, Sir Arthur McUphill was able to invent uphills. These "uphills" made it harder to travel by foot or car or zombie. Sir Arthur McUphill was almost able to create even worse things, but his brother, Sir Watson McDownhill, stopped him through creating the downhill.
edit Sir Watson McDownhill
This man was also an 18th-century Briton who was a twin brothers with Sir Arthur McUphill. He in time invented the "downhill." It took him longer than his brother, so for a long time in the world there was only uphills. Eventually he caught up and now after you get up that terrible uphill you have a sweet downhill to look forward to.
edit Neville Chambermaid
Neville Chambermaid brought the knowledge of Post-It Notes® to the world. He was coloring and making a P.B.J. at the same time, when the paper got in the peanut butter, thus creating an adhesive that could be removed and re-stuck, or eaten. He is known for his luscious, curly locks (which were a problem because he got peanut butter in them, too) and his kindness and compassion. He once did 1000 pull-ups, and was so buff that he pulled the bar off the wall. But then he used a Post-It Note and stuck it back up again.