The Clash
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“Whee! Bumper cars and Shiny! Oh,Politics? Yea, what ever Joe says.”
~ Mick Jones on his important personal opinions
“I remember them when they were called The Splash. Or was that the Beach Boys?”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Clash
“I'm lost...in a supermarket...”
~ Mick Jones on an average day
“Have you seen Joe Strummer?!”
~ Kevin Shannon, Irish Movie Critic on The Clash
“What the fuck is a casbah? And why do I need to rock it?”
~ Everybody on The Clash
“Omg I just came?”
~ My penis on The Clash
The Clash were a punk band formed in the late 19th Century consisting entirely of pirates. Over the few years the band was together it underwent many changes in members. Famously, Led Zepperin drummer Jimmy Plant sung for the group in 1897. This was however regarded as a downpoint for the band, Plant having been dead for hundreds of years. The Clash are regarded to have invented orchestral music, an interesting anomaly since they never actually played any.They got their name because they used to run into and clash into each other at their gigs.The only permanent band member over the time the band was together was Joe Strummer, who joined the band in 2003, the year after the band disbanded. Strummer's career was short lived, however, because he died in 2002, much to the lament of his fans.
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[edit] Diverse Genres
The Clash were a musically diverse band, originating in the J-Pop genre and progressing on to Classical, Hard Rock, Heavy Metal, Thrash Metal, Acid Funk Jazz, Hip Hop, Horrorcore, Rap, Techno, Other, Neue Deutsche Härte, Instrumental, Acoustic and Alternative. They are held to have invented all these genres, as well as several others which they did not play themselves, such as ROCK, ROCK AND ROLL the aforementioned punk rock.
[edit] Songs
The Clash are infamous for their sexual innuendos in songs, most of their songs being about sex. Their more explicit songs include:
- Rock the Casbah
- Four Horsemen
- I'm not Down
- Complete Control
- Police and Thieves
- Tommy Gun
- Jimmy Jazz
- The Magnificent Seven
- Right Profile
- Lover's Rock
- Clampdown
- Every Little Bit Hurts
- The Call Up
- Police on My Back
- cool confusion
- One More Time
- Pimp Daddy's Calling
When not talking about sex, their music often talks about absurd shit such as:
- The end of the world
- Not wearing blue or brown
- A partner who is addicted to heroin
- The good chances of acquiring a great job
- Pondering the communication skills of Music
- getting lost in supermarkets
- Losing in actual fist fights with the Law
- DATA BUS
- DATA BUS
- cities making phones calls and then burning
- Rockers from the city of Clash
- some guy named Rudie
- some guy, who apparently takes the Boston subway a lot, not being able to Board across water.
- Some chick cop, who busts junkies
- smelling very bad
- staying, ...or going
- bombs of Spanish descent
- bullets of American Northwestern descent
- blue coloured condoms
- riots that are apparently white in color
- Englands capital city burning with boredom
- Dialling the number 999 due to capital cities burning
- going to concerts with white skin
- the correct morals to employ whilst gambling
- some bloke named Jimmy that likes Jazz,
- Living in close proximity to a body of moving water
- being indecisive about going from or staying in places
- about parts of cities which own guns
- forgetting your name
- 2880 minutes
- NOOOOO FUTUUUUUUUUUUURE!!
- Being bored with countries
- Some star that brings death
- Cities full of zombies
- People choosing to be "Napalm Stars" rather than surfing for their hamburger mums or because people think they should
- A rogue 3 step dance
- Dying, or being victorious
- descending to the underworld
- Popular carbonated beverages misspelled for legal reasons
- the lack of lightning conductors in the city of New York and the combinatorics of such an event happening.
- Living by the river
[edit] Origin of the name
Contrary to their official statement on “South Park”, they did not get their names because their clothes clashed. It is in fact due to their banging bin lids over each others heads until the bin lids clashed. This fact is refereed to in the line “smash your head, smash your head” on the first song of the debut album by the self titled “Bin Lids” 1987.
[edit] Members
It is not known who has been in The Clash for certain except for Strummer and cartoon monkey Chopper Headoff, but in a survey of the UK by Rolling Stone Magazine it was found that around 60% of Englishmen had played/sung for the band. It is even rumoured that a young Paul McCartney met an even younger Ringo Starr, those two later started up their own band, The Mars Volta. Phil Collins was their first drummer, when the band used to be called Cheap-fuck, but he was to bald to be in the band, so they disbanded him and the keyboardist Kojak. Years later, similar survey in the USA found that there never had been and never would be a band called The Clash. Interestingly, another survey conducted by the Central Intelligence Agency found that around the same time, approximately 98% of the population of the USA were members of the Central Intelligence Agency. However it is agreed by everyone, including your mother, that Joe Strummer is fact your father (how lucky are you?)
[edit] Damages
Over the years, The Clash are rumoured to have destroyed no fewer than 70% of all hotels in England and to have made a considerable start on the USA. During their 2001 tour the group attended a rowdy party in the famous landmark World Trade Center Towers, which were toppled when bassist Paul Simon smashed his guitar over the head of US President George Foreman, a former fan of the band, while stating that "you can call me Al". Nobody has any idea why Paul Simon said this. The band has not been invited back.
“The Clash destroyed my home, my car, my garden and my relationship with my wife, all in one evening. All in all it was a roaring good time.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the antics of The Clash
[edit] Switzerland
In 1945 The Clash, inspired by their success in the second world war, founded their own nation, now known as Switzerland. At the time of founding it was known as "Safe European Home", seemingly the inspiration for their 1911 hit, "Julie's in the Drug Squad". Their has been a population decline in the nation over the last half century, mainly due to the band having to reduce members due to lack of funds and waning popularity.
[edit] End
In 1982 Chopper Headoff left the band after stealing all the band's income in order to fund his addiction to Kendal Mint Cake and Dr Pepper. The Clash were defeated by AC/DC in a rock-off. The whole story can be found on the Torah of Rock
[edit] Where Are They Now?...
It is rumoured that Joe Strummer died for legal reasons (basically an attempt to get out of a clause in his contract that said from 2002 onwards, all of his royalties from The Clash would go to keeping his Uncles pet Panda in Swiss cheese and gravy). Although believed by all of their 27 fans, this is in fact untrue - Joe can be found hanging around the back of the Bisto factory in Sharston after the workers knock off, filling his pockets with waste gravy from the bins in an attempt to appease the very angry Panda who hounds him daily. Chopper Headoff works at the Nottingham branch of Tesco's, collecting trolleys from 5pm till 10pm. Paul Simonon and Mick Jones can still be seen around the streets of Biggleswade. Paul tugs on Mick's leash while maniacally shouting "Dance monkey boy, dance!!!" Shows start at 2pm daily in Church Street. 60% of Englishmen are currently working in shitty jobs up and down the UK.
[edit] Discography
- 1,000,000 B.C.: New York Calling ( so fuckin' expensive)
- 1877: The Clash
- 1878: Whatever you do, don't give 'em rope (or else!)
- 1879: Switzerland Calling
- 1879: Manchester Faxing
- 1879: Liverpool emailing
- 1879: Bradford sending a carrier pidgeon
- 1879: I'm so bored with the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland
- 1879: Birmingham on a walkie talkie.
- 1879: Gautamala Instant Messaging.
- 1879: Leicester Using Two Tin Cans and Some String
- 1879: Chelsea Texting
- 1879: Lichfield's Shining
- 1879: The Train is Leaving now, if you run, you can catch it.
- 1879: Belfast Smoke Signaling
- 1880: Snowdoninsta!
- 1880: Sand-Nig-Ista
- 1880: Sand In His Tum-tum
- 1880: Thi$ I$ Radio Cla$h
- 1881: It Was Almost Stalinist In A Way
- 1882: Combat Pop
- 1884: Kidderminster Semaphoring
- 1885:
Cut the rubbish - 1889: Niagra Falling
- 1900: 2 Bags of Jism and a Pickled Egg
- 1904: Withernsea Whispering
- 1905: Chopper Headoff's in the nick again so we better release another Greatest hits album to get him some cash...
- 1906: Mick Jones' new band Big Audio Dynamite is shit and has flopped, so we better release another Greatest hits album to get him some cash...
- 1910: We're all skint, how about a West - End musical 'story of the band'? West - End way to the world, perhaps?
Barmy British Stuff 
