The Church of Tyra
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“NO, I'M G-D!”
“Excuse me bitch? You are not G-d! I am! Don't make me beat you into the wall with my butt!”
“What did you call me? As if you were the one to talk, you fatass bitch! Not that there's anything wrong with being fat. You just can't accept my greatness and how I'm so much better than you!”
“Better than me? Which one of us gets the higher ratings and can make any book into a hit seller? What now? Now who's better?!”
Tyra Banks, copying Oprah, made her own talk show called The Tyra Banks Show. It all took off from there. It didn't take long for Tyra's show to evolve into expressing a new religion, The Church of Tyra.
Tyra's Sex Scandal with Beyonce
Sects of The Church
- The Jeansless Big-Bootied Tyrants
- The Followers of the Unjeaner
- The Orthodox Couch Moms
- The Tyrabanks Witnesses
- The Las Angelasan Tyrannical Church
- Reform Tyrantism
- America's Next Top Model
Years after Oprah won her war against Catholicism, Tyra realized that Oprah, in fact, wasn't G-d after all. Tyra realized that SHE was G-d. So, she made her own show like Oprah's (knowing that's how to get a religion started) called the Tyra Banks Show. Soon she opened the Church of Tyra (followers of which are called Tyrants). When Oprah found out that again she was copied, Tyra wasn't only smashed by Oprah's but but Oprah also beat her in a wall with her giant boobs without any mercy. But after Tyra came at her with her dragon-like lazer beam, Oprah ran off. Every since, the Church of Tyra has been growing ever stronger.
It is said that Tyra is planning an invasion of the Oprah Show so that all may see that Tyra is the true G-d when she wins the televised battle. I put 20 bucks on Tyra, she can kill all of Oprah's many followers with her terrible laser beams/dragon breath, added to the fact she has developed a supersized brain by mind-controlling the top model contestants and convincing them they can become supermodels just as she did - entrusting themselves to St. Blowjob.
In the Tyrannikha (the book of the Tyrant rules) it says that any person born of a Tyrant mother is a Tyrant as long as they grew up with the show and have not turned to another (such as Oprah). In Reform Tyrannism, people can also be considered Tyrants if their father is a Tyrant (but this is, of course, rare).
For those who currently are not Tyrants to convert you must do ten actions and then you are a Tyrant.
- 1. Draw an upside down crucifix with the word "OPRAH" written in lamb blood on it in a wall of your house
- 2. Fuck up your body so Tyra's can look better
- 3. Feel comfortable with your new body, Tyra doesnt stand whiners
- 4. No matter how your body looks, show the most skin you can, and tell everyone who doesnt like to kiss your fat ass
- 5. Become fashionable and fierce
- 6. Become knowledgeable on every winner of America's Next Top Model
- 7. Catch up on every episode of the Tyra Bank's Show while sitting in lotus pose and praying "Our Tyra"
- 8. Pledge loyalty to Tyra
- 9. Shun all other talk show hosts
- 10. Continue to watch the Tyra Banks show and watch America's Next Top Model religiously
Tyrants are furthermore required to adopt the official language of the Church, known as Tyraspeak, into their daily conversations. Examples of such terms include "fierce", "smize", "tension", and "H2T". Tyrants who demonstrate low aptitude in Tyraspeak are often shunned by the Tyrist community.
Tyrists have to follow 5 commandments, which were dictated by their goddess in the mount of Smizzé after the first episode of the Tyra show aired.
- 1. Thou shall not question Tyra's taste in anything involving fashion, modelling, photography, TV, flavored condoms, and cheap weaves
- 2. Thou shall never buy anything recommended by Oprah's satanic figure
- 3. Thou shall see Tyra as the most beautiful creature on earth, no matter how old, fat and rotten the g-D looks
- 4. Thou shall not miss any episode of The Tyra Show or America's Next Top Model
- 5. Thou shall laugh at all of Tyra's dull jokes
There has been much debating over if the places of worshipping Tyra should be called churches, temples, or synagogues. Most people don't know the difference between a temple and a synagogue so extra stupid people see the Tyrist symbol, which is similar to the Star of David, and think it should be called a temple or synagogue.
All others note how it looks just like a church except there's usually a big image of her dressed in some fierce clothing while hanging from a large capital T and has pictures of her and her higher level followers painted onto the windows. There is also a average length cat walk at the front of the church.
These descriptions aren't true for all Tyrist churches. In fact, the home church doesn't have a single Tyrist symbol or image except the very Tyra herself, the set of the Tyra Bank's show. That set is, in fact, the first Tyrist church. On the outside of the building is where there are Tyrist symbols, however.
All Tyrist churches also have a large amount of buff gay bouncers ready to restrict the access into the church of anyone who isn't model material. "You gotta be fierce to get in," says Tyra's gay friend and follower, "people that aren't fabulous just don't belong here."
Despite almost exponential growth in popularity since it's founding, the Church of Tyra has, nevertheless, found itself to be under attack by various and often disparate groups:
- Social Conservatives - The so-called "Religious Right" has taken issue with the Church over it's acceptance and positive portrayal of homosexuals and homosexuality. These critics often cite a 2008 World Health Organization study which found a 300% increase in worldwide HIV infection rates from the date of the Church of Tyra's foundation to the present date with a concomitant increase in mortality of 96% for those already infected with HIV while those suffering from AIDS showed an overall increase in mortality of close to 170%. It should be noted that this study has itself come under criticism for the methodology used, namely that it is made-up bullshit.
- Gay Rights Advocates - In contrast to the above concerns, many proponents of gay rights have criticized the Church of Tyra for only showing the most stereotypically base and lewd manifestations of homosexuality, including what one commentator has called the "fudge-packing Stepin Fetchit" portrayal of black male homosexuality. Many lesbians have also been critical of Tyra's reluctance to have sex with them and often cite an old German adage which states: "once you eat lox, you'll never want cocks".
- Racists - Racists have long been among the Church's most strident and persistent critics due to the fact that Tyra is black, though they don't use the word "black", if you know what I mean. It rhymes with "bigger", it starts with an "n", and ends in "igger". Hmm...it would seem I'm a poet and didn't even know it.
- Television Critics - TV critics charge that the Church of Tyra is the end product (the unholy nexus) of two of the most inane and unwatchable television programs in history: The Tyra Banks Show and America's Next Top Model. As such, it's growth and popularity is not only just stupid, but counterintuitive, i.e. "two wrongs don't make a right".
- Small-breasted Women - Women with small breasts (which is generally considered to be anything below a C cup) have almost always had a problem with Tyra and with anything Tyra does. Such a woman, commonly referred to derogatorily as a "carpenter's dream" (that is, flat as a board and fun to nail) is often faced with overwhelming feelings of inadequacy (when comparing themselves to Tyra) and just plain ol' jealousy of Tyra's sweet, sweet tits. They're real, too!
- Oprah - As the Queen and Godhead of television and positive Womanhood, Oprah remains vigilant in protecting her exalted status from what she considers potential usurpations of her power. This concern should not be misconstrued as fear. She fears nothing.