The Christian Bale Institute for the Criminally Insane
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The Christian Bale Institute for the Criminally Insane, also known by it's full name, The Christian Charles Phillip Bale Institute for the Learning and Well Being of the Criminally Insane, Mentally Unstable, Delusional, Sociopathic, Socially Unaccepted, Emotionally Uncontrolled, or Otherwise Loony, Batty, or Generally Psychotic, is a non-governmentally-funded academy for actors, singers, writers and artists who wish to learn the craft of being what misguided fools refer to as "mentally ill". It was founded in 2000 by the well-known deranged lunatic, Christian Bale in Los Angeles, California. It is primarily funded by The Al Pacino Academy of Shouting, but it is not normally considered to be affiliated with it, mostly due to a revolt led by staff members Edward Norton and Brad Pitt who felt that being part of a wider branch of schools would be conforming to society and consumer culture.
In 2000, former Pacino graduate, Christian Bale decided to move on to better things. He felt that establishing his own school would help him to "fit in," although he was already prominent enough in the acting community. Having an excessive amount of money, he hired Brad Pitt to build his masterpiece. He also unexpectedly recruited Edward Norton, who believed Pitt and himself to be two sides of the same person. Bale was glad because he only had to pay one person, as opposed to two. They were soon joined by veteran psychotic Anthony Hopkins. The three pooled together vast sums of wealth and began to construct the school. They soon became broke after investing every penny into the project. They robbed eleven banks and killed four hundred people before finally deciding to use the resources of Bale's former teacher, Al Pacino himself. This took some time because Al screamed at Bale for six and a half days for whining incessantly about being poor. After a news-covered street war broke out and both parties suffered equal losses, they formed a business relationship and finished the project.
edit Bale-Pacino Wars
edit Bale-Pacino War I
As mentioned above, Bale-Pacino War I, also known as The First Bale-Pacino War or The War of Shouts was a six and a half day street conflict between The Christian Bale Institute for the Criminally Insane and The Al Pacino Academy of Shouting. After yelling at each other of six and a half days, the two sides waged war for the next 6.5 days, making the entire confrontation, including the preliminary arguing, two weeks, although the street war was only the second half of the two weeks.
The two men each put together a team. Bale's consisted of Norton and Pitt's paramilitary, Project Mayhem, as well as a vast variety of serial killers and psychopaths led by Bale and Hopkins. Pacino's side was made up predominantly of mafia members and students. As each throat was slashed and each arm was blown off, the conflict became more and more bloody. It came to a climax when Kevin Spacey gave Al Pacino a box that he claimed contained his wife's head. Pacino then yelled, "YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!" and had his army open fire on Bale's team, which resulted in his accidentally shooting the box, which revealed itself to house a bomb. It wiped out half of Pacino's men. Bale then called up the League of Shadows, who suddenly appeared in less than two seconds. Al retaliated by sending Commander Tarantino and Colonel Scorsese into the crowd. Tarantino sent Uma Thurman and several assassins to combat the league and Scorsese arrived with more Mafia units. The whole street war ended in a Mexican Standoff, which forced both parties to make a truce.
edit Bale-Pacino War II
Four years after the first Bale-Pacino War, Brad Pitt and Edward Norton decided that being part of a larger group was not anarchist enough and ventured to rebel against the supposed threat by planting a series of explosives into Al Pacino's office. He survived, but viewed this as a violation to the truce, even though most of the Bale Institute took no part in this or even knew of it. Thus, when Al attacked with a squadron of assassins and mob members, it came as a surprise to Christian. He than came to the conclusion that Al broke his agreement and retaliated violently after watching a series of videotapes and returning them.
The war lasted for eight days. The result was near-total destruction of both schools. Bale angered by the seemingly random Hanukkah-length assault on his buildings, led an twelve man killer group to take Al down personally. He found him in his office with Robert de Niro to his left and Samuel L. Jackson to his right. Both the right and left hand men send in back up and a battle ensued. This ended in Pacino being stabbed in the heart. With his dying breath, he explained the situation to Bale. After Al resurrected himself, the men had a lengthy discussion. They agreed to split their universities permanently with Al still providing funding. Bale, upon discovering Pitt and Norton's actions, threatened to remove their testicles with a kitchen knife. They pleaded insanity, which, of course, worked. All charges were thereafter dropped.
The Christian Bale Institute for the Criminally Insane has several high profile personnel. Some major staff members of The Bale Institute are:
- Christian Bale-founder, dean, professor of Narcissism Studies, professor of Antisocial Personality Disorder, professor of How to be Insane and Look Good Doing it
- Edward Norton-professor of Dissociative Identity Disorder, head body guard, leader of Project Mayhem/Fight Club
- Brad Pitt-professor of Dissociative Identity Disorder, head body guard, leader of Project Mayhem/Fight Club
- Anthony Hopkins-professor of cannibalism, professor of Psychology, guidance counselor, Chef
- Kevin Spacey-professor of Hidden Identities, professor of Modus Operandi, professor of Getting Away with It 101, professor of Evidence, professor of Seven Deadly Sins, professor of Foreign relations
- Stanley Tucci-professor of Rape, professor of Pedophilia and Related Studies, professor of Neighborhood Killers
- Ted Levine-professor of Luring Victims into Vans, professor of Skinning 101, professor of Lotion, professor of LGBT and Crime
edit Confusion with Other Facilities
The Christian Bale Institute for the Criminally Insane is often confused with The Kevin Bacon Institution for the Criminally Insane, which is a mental asylum which happens to treat actors, many of which are Bale alumni. It is also occasionally mistaken for The Chris Brown Academy for Criminal Orphans and Charles Barkley's International Crumb Cakes.