The Chaotics

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
“We're the Chaotics and we don't like you”
~ Jess Catlin on You on May 10 2008
“We're the Chaotics and we have a crush on you ”
~ Jess Catlin on You on Dec 20 2008
“You got cooler over those seven months ”
~ Jess Catlin on You
“...I think they're quite spiffy!”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Choatics
~ Chewbacca on being rejected by The Chaotics
“ I don't think that the song is blasphemous. I think that its a song that embraces children to relate to me and all that I can do, that I, Jesus, am all powerful and can do anything ”
~ Jesus on Jesus Rides a Skateboard

The Chaotics

The Chaotics are the greatest punk rock, easy listening, classical opera, techno/jazz fusion band to have ever been conceived. Based out of St. Louis, Missouri, the band was actually formed inside the building to which Lee Harvey Oswald ran after assassinating JFK, and after having experienced the mayhem that followed, they wrote their hit single "Hangin' In The City"

edit Formation

The Chaotics were formed in 1963 during the assassination of JFK. The founding members were Jess Catlin (bass), Darth Nader (Lead Vocals, Guitars), Panda Claus (Drums), and the Chowderpuff Girls (Backup vocals). The band went through many names, starting with Mad Society, and eventually leading to The Chaotics. For a brief, yet notable time, the band was called Jesus Hitler and the Genitals. Soon, the band found that chaos was on their side and settled with the Chaotics.

edit Early Years (1963-1970)

In their early years, the Chaotics were dwarfed by such acts as the Beatles, Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, Ed Sullivan, the VW Beetle, and Marijuana. The band grew tiresome of the mainstream music industry and began to artisticly rebel, forming their punk rock roots. Rumor has it that the songs they once wrote were thrown out, and then recovered by a drunken Paul McCartney, stumbling through an alley. He found the songs, and then used them. Such songs were rumored to be the entire Abbey Road, Yellow Submarine, and 14 singles from the Blue Album. However, due to their disgust in all things popular, Catlin can be quoted saying "That's not my department"

edit Decline, Loss of Members, Break Up, Reunion, Break Up (1971-2006)

The band, while musically fertile, went through a rough course of changes. Firstly, Darth Nader, the lead singer and guitar player, soon faced difficulties following a bar fight. During a show, the band played what some considered to be a racially edgy song (Jesus Rides a Skateboard) and an angered listener picked an epic battle with the band's lead singer, bring the show to a halt. The brawl ended with the lead singer being tossed into a vat of molten chili. This brought an end to his singing career, as the molten chili damaged his voice box and genitalia. Several wounds suffered from a kitchen brawl brought his guitar playing career to an end as well. Depressed, he soon left the band to become a politician. Now, Darth Nader is known by his birth name Ralph Vader, and is an active Congressman. Catlin, the band's bass player, soon took up singing, leaving his mastery of the strings behind.

This left an essential spot of the band unfilled. Several people were considered for the spot, such as North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Ill, Chewbacca Rosie O'Donnel, Hugh Jackman, Primus bassist Les Claypool, David Hasselhoff, and Oscar Wilde. However, they chose to pick Romanian Emperor Calvin Cooper IV.

Nader's withdrawal from the band also left the spot of guitar open as well. Catlin, having now taken lead of the band, relied on a old friend to fill the spot. He personally auditioned and awarded the spot to Jedi Master Ian Parks. The two had previously worked on cousin Oliver to the Chaotics, The Dissidents. The two shared a mystical bond, much like Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, Jimmy Page and Robert Plant, Chewbacca and Han Solo, Thelma and Louise, etc. The band's recovery was imminent, and they were about to come back better than ever before.

After having written over 9000 songs, the band decided to focus mostly on punk, and to drift away from their techno abilities, as techno can grow repetitive. However, the band's drummer, Panda Claus, soon grew dissatisfied with the band's restraints on his abilities. In the 1980s, he saw his opportunity and he left the band to audition for Spinal Tap. Most of their drummers blew up, but Panda Claus found that his biodegradability would come in handy and thusly give him an advantage over all other possible drummers. Drummers were rare at that time, and thusly the band broke up, lacking such an essential piece.

Underground fans soon made a cult following for the Chaotics. Not long after they broke up, the demand for a reunion was immense, and so the Chaotics obliged. When they rebanded, they were unable to bring back Panda Claus for he did, as the band had predicted, explode. It is rumored, yet not confirmed, that the Chowderpuff Girls ran off with Panda Claus, became groupies, and were soon heroin junkies. Concerned more about a drummer, the band enlisted the help of Jeremy Thee Germ, a local drummer that knew the Chaotics through their underground following. With a full band now back in gear, they once again began playing shows, writing songs, and satisfying their followers.

The following grew exponentially now that they had reunited, and likewise, the Chaotics were able to start making a bigger and more professional name for themselves. However, just as soon as they had rebanded, they were soon confronted with conflict. Calvin Cooper IV's term as Romanian emperor was up, and he had to pass the torch along to his son Calvin Cooper V, who inherited the bass playing skill. It is Romanian standard that once the son has taken the thrown, the father is never to touch a bass again. This distraught fans as well as the band, Calvin Cooper V was not expecting this transition and was unprepared for his thrust into the musical world. Until he was ready, the band was once again disbanded.

edit Reunited, Again: The Calvin Cooper V Years (also known as the Thee Chaotics era) (2007-Present)

Pressured by the fanbase and the band, Calvin Cooper V was determined to fill his father's spot in the band and in the heart of the fans. He went through rigorous training in the frigid mountains of Siberia to prepare, learning from the Elders. In mid 2007, he emerged, and to the Chaotics surprise, he filled the hole left by his father seemlessly. The Chaotics were in a new era.

The Chaotics took a very serious direction from here. With the technology offered for them, it was time that they made a massly produced demo. This demo was called Unproduced Crap, and was initially free of charge. However, due to the limited run of this disc, the street price is estimated at $26.00. This sprouted a new leaf for the Chaotics. They knew they were making progress.

More and more, shows were piling in, and the Chaotics were starting to get more and more notoriety. After a year of the new era, they decided to cut a second demo, and with the aid of Ty Mr Hyde Crawford, "Now In Stereo!" was released. The unique thing about Now In Stereo was that it had 18 songs, which was unheard of for a demo, and that each and every CD Cover and label was unique. The demo was released on December 20, 2008, at Cicero's Restaurant on the Delmar Loop, in the Chaotics home town of St Louis.

Rumors of a new demo from the Chaotics have sprouted. New material has been released through live shows and is expected to be on the band's newest release.

edit Personel

Current Members:

  • Jess Catlin (vocals)
  • Ian Parks (guitar)
  • Calvin Cooper V (Bass)
  • Jeremy Thee Germ (Drums)
  • Ty Crawford (semi-hobo and blazer aficionado)
  • Brathan Nightman (the bearded lady and certified jew)

Former Members

  • Panda Claus (Drums)
  • Calvin Cooper IV (Bass)
  • Darth Nader (Guitars, Vocals)
  • The Chowderpuff Girls (Backup Vocals)

edit Discography

  • Unproduced Crap (2007)
  • Now In Stereo! (2008)
  • Have a Crush on You! (2010)

edit Now In Stereo


Track listing:

  • Human Keg
  • Stealing From Goodwill
  • Bring It Back
  • Don't Be A-
  • I Steal Music
  • Generation Why
  • Jesus Rides a Skateboard
  • Pogo Again
  • New Rose
  • Class Warfare
  • Hangin In The City
  • I Don't Love you
  • Psychotic Reaction
  • She Likes Punk Rock
  • My House Is a Dive
  • Elvis Is Gonna Shoot You
  • Bit the Dust for President Bush
  • Kill The Emos

edit Associated Acts

edit See also

edit External links

Personal tools