The Bro Code
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“Technically I didn't break the Bro Code 'cos I was fucking your sister and your mum at the same time... so they cancel each other out...”
“Ermm... Johnny, I don't know how to tell you this... but I nailed your sister. So I made this Uncylopedia page to back me up as to why I didn't actually break the Bro Code.”
“Dude, you violated the Bro Code! You can never violate the Bro Code!”
“I find this Bro Code to be rather sexist.”
“Just kidding Johnny, but you should tell her to stop wearing different coloured lipsticks cos my dick looks like a rainbow”
The Bro Code is a set of rules that every man must stick to if they want to think about fucking their mate's sister, auntie, or any other blood relative. The Bro Code also exposes social faux pas between 'brethren from another methrin'.
edit Section 1.0, "So When CAN I Fuck My Bro's Sister?"
- With permission from her brother, who is YOUR 'Bro' too... It's just like incest... except without all the awkward post-sex breakfast talk and the constant judgement.
- If your Bro has already gotten to first base with your own sister. Retribution for first base is always fucking your mate's sister and posting pictures on Facebook. And tagging your bro in them.
- When you hear the words every man wants to hear come out of a woman's mouth that doesn't start with, "I've cooked you...", but rather, "I have no gag reflex, and swallow".
- If you're too drunk to remember, then it never really happened. But if you can, then bro, you just broke the Bro Code.
- If she makes a move, you can make one back, and so on, and if it leads to sex, fair play.
- You can receive oral and five fingered affairs as long as you don't come. If you do, then bro, you just broke the Bro Code.
- If she develops a disease that only your sperm is the cure for.
- If she has AIDS and no one else will have sex with her, bang away.
- If she rapes you in your sleep.
- If she's still a virgin by 15.
- If she looks creepily similar to your bro. In that case, it will probably be you (not your bro) that feels the most uncomfortable next time you speak to each other.
edit Section 1.1 - Step-Sisters
- Not blood relatives, therefore, fair game. Your bro must be informed before any sexual contact with the step-sister. Not asked permission, just told that it's going down. Or you're 'going down', so to speak.
edit Section 1.2 - Half-Sisters
- Depending on the strength of the relationship between your bro and his half-sister, rules vary as to what you can, and can't do with her. A strong relationship means that all of section 1.0 applies to the half-sister. A poor relationship means section 1.1 applies.
edit Section 1.0, "So When CAN I Fuck My Bro's Mother?"
- You must be of, or over the consentual age for sex in the Country where you reside.
- In the unlikely event that you are the last two people left in the world.
- If you have not been laid in 6 or more months, and/or have blue balls.
- You can flirt and be cheeky, if she responds by pulling her kegs down, then you may proceed in your endeavours.
- If she tells you that her son (your bro) is adopted.
- If you vaguely recall her saying you were "cute" as a child; then she definitely wants your youthful love-length inside her. Mouth.
- If she does porn... helping her 'practise a scene' doesn't count as real intercourse.
edit Section 2.0, "So When CAN I Fuck My Bro's Sibling's Mate?"
- If your bro's sister's mate agrees to it, have a fucking field day. If said friend is staying at your bro's house along with your bro's sister, the morning can either be awkward, or it could be full of high-fives.
edit Section 3.0, "So When CAN I Fuck The Girl My Bro Has Wanted For Years But Will Blatantly Never Get?"
- Here's the tricky rule... The only loop-hole here is to fuck her and keep your bro in the dark about it. What he doesn't know can't hurt him, but if he finds out, then... Yes, you got it, you just broke the Bro Code. Every man in the world would prefer not to know if you've been fucking the girl he likes.
- If you tell your mate that you are going in for the kill in such a way that it seems like you are asking permission, but you're not asking permission at all.
- You: “Bro, I know you've liked her for ages, and that's cute an all, but I want to have a go... You know.”
- Bro: “Oh. Oh, right. Erm... Let me think about it.”
This technique allows you to do whatever you want with the girl, leaving your bro thinking you're going to wait for permission. When your bro says he didn't give you any, you can argue that you never actually asked for it anyway. Therefore a, "no, please don't fuck her, I really like this one", will not hold up in any argument. But if your bro says it's OK, you can pretend that you were in fact asking him if you could. You've gotta love win-win situations.
edit Section 4.0, "So When CAN I Cockblock A Bro?"
- There are very few scenearios when you can cockblock a bro that are universally accepted. One is when the potential 'pull' is an absolute munter. We're talking about a real tramp of a woman. Someone who looks like her face is made up of jigsaw pieces, but the pieces have been forced to fit together. When your bro is absolutely wasted and he's wearing his tequilaface t-shirt and he starts trying to pull this woman, do everything in your power, as his bro, to persuade him he's left a drink at the other side of the bar. Nobody wants to be dipping their bread in that woman's gene pool.
edit Section 5.0, "How And When Am I Required To Be A Wingman?"
- Being a wingman is one of the biggest parts of being a good bro. You are required to 'take one for the team' every now and then by hooking up with Ms. Fatty McNuggets over there, so your bro is not disturbed while on his game with her good looking mate. A bro always needs a wingman, because the fact is, all good looking women have at least one fat friend with them so they look better by comparison. You may have to disinfect your scrote and shaft afterwards, but you will earn more man-points than you know what to do with. Man-points can be spent on making sure the stories of you and the freakishly feminine Singaporean rent-boy stay buried once and for all.
- How to be a good wingman is a difficult thing, but the most obvious answer is to agree to anything that your bro claims to be true about himself, big him up when he goes to the toilet and keep her interested while your bro is away. If your bro says he freed the Israelites from Judea, nod along and don't point out how inaccurate this is both historically and in terms of him not being fucking born then.
edit Section 6.0, "Bro's Before Hoes"
1.This is without a doubt the most important rule of the Bro Code. This rule is also probably the easiest to understand: your friends always, always come before women. It doesn't matter if you or your friends violate the rules of the Bro Code, so long as they take this rule to heart. This rule means that all violations of the Bro Code will be forgiven due to the innate and inescapable fact that you and your friends are all men. Being men, you are liable to fuck up and do something stupid with a woman; it happens. It's what men do. However, men understand how men work, and a man must forgive men their flaws, for they are his own flaws as well.
2. Fortunately if you have a decent brain capable of adding 1+4 which is obviously 9 you can fool your girlfriend into believing you will actually put her at a higher position than a random guy you just became bros with.
3. Be vigilant, though; keep your friends from violating the rules with your girl; and keep in mind, if they do screw up, you can always beat their ass then buy them a beer. It's just the way guys work.