“I was going to be a part of the Brady Bunch, but they said that I looked like a bowling pin”
“The Brady Bunch beat you down”
“Mike Brady knew how to take a polaroid”
The Brady Bunch is a notorious Los Angeles gang that reached its height in the early 1970s. The gang was highly controversial as it had a reputation of recruiting preteen girls as "soldiers", who in turn committed some of the most notorious killings in Los Angeles. The gang kept a "front" by appearing on a popular television sitcom, a spinoff of the Preteen slut television program Lost in Space, while laundering billions of dollars from the drug traffic industry. The gang later split into two sects which became known as the Bloods and the Crips.
Mike Brady walks over to a talent agent. "I've got this great act - it involves my whole family." Talent agent says, "All right, tell me what your act involves." "It's just like Lost in Space, with a father, mother, kids and robot maid. Only instead of being in outer space like every other series, this one takes place on Earth." The concept sold. Thus follows a hit television series that revived the Preteen Slut movie series, promoted child porn, and was filled with excretion, incest, bestiality, and other unspeakable acts.
The story concerns a gay father, Mike Brady, played by Robert Reed and his beard-marriage to a nymphomaniac divorcee, Carol played by Florence Henderson. They had a housekeeper named Alice, played by lesbian icon Ann B. Davis.
The blended family consisted of Mike’s three boys:
- Greg you naughty, naughty boy (Barry Williams)
- Peter the porn hound (Christopher Knight)
- Bobby the pedobait (Mike Lookinland)
And Carol‘s three girls.
- Hot, hot Marcia (Maureen McCormick)The girl any guy would want to fuck
- Not so hot, but huge-breasted Jan (Eve Plumb)The girl that would not be a guy's first choice to fuck, but is still fuckable
- Way too young to worry about at the time Cindy (Susan Olsen)Too young to fuck, unless you are a fucking pedophile
And a boy kept in their basement dungeon as a sex slave
- Shark jumper Oliver (Robbie Rist)
It frequently crossed over with Smallville.
Beginning of the end
In the 1974 season, the family acquired a live-in "cousin," Oliver, who was kept in the basement as a sex slave. Oliver was an ancient energy “key” who had been transformed by monks in order to protect it from the mad goddess, Glory. Initially, Cousin Oliver materialized in the form of a furry humanoid. He was given a more human appearance with the introduction into his system of DNA from John Denver.
While the original network airings don't show the footage the "Definitive DVD" edition shows Mike Brady having his way with him.
The boy felt out of place in the Brady family and ran away. In a surprise twist Oliver turned up picking pockets on the streets of London. Despite the widespread popularity of the Oliver plot line the network cancelled the show later that year.
To further complicate matters Mike Brady was spending more and more time with Yoko, insisting she be on the set at all times and working her into the plots. This led to the haunting Brady Kids song "Imagine":
Imagine there's no Bradys
We wonder if you can
No need for Jan or Marcia
Not even butcher Sam
Sequels and Spin-offs
- ...The Brady Kids: A manga-style cartoon involving the Brady Kids and lascivious tentacles.
- ...The Brady Bunch Hour: a short-lived variety show taken off the air when the Supreme Court ruled it cruel and unusual punishment.
- ...The Brady Brides: Marcia and Jan move to Stepford, where their husbands try to turn them into robotic slaves.
- ...The Late Show with David Letterman: Well it's such a big family... why not?!
- ...A Very Brady Christmas: The Bradys rally around their uncle, James, when he is shot by a man trying to assassinate the president. Despite the title, the TV movie actually shows the family celebrating Purim.
- ...A Very Brady Hanukkah: The Bradys convert to Judaism and sacrifice cousin Oliver in order to use his blood to make matzohs. Then they find out that Jews don't really do this sort of thing and besides, matzohs are eaten at Passover.
- ...The Bradys: an attempt to reinvent the series as a whimsical superhero adventure show set in Schenectady New York.
- ...Brady Bunch: The Motion Picture: A huge-budget cinematic production featuring all of the regulars (except for the original Jan, who was re-cast as a cyborg drone), bloated with state-of-the-art special effects at the cost of any realistic attempt at characterization. Adapted from an original short story ("The Colossal Godlike Zit-Thingy on Greg's Face") by Brady creator Sherwood Schwartz.
- ...So You Just Got AIDS: Welcome to the Club! A Discovery channel show hosted by Robert Reed in which he sits in his red robe while periodically catching his tears in a tissue. Robert talks about living with AIDS, including dividing chores, dividing rent and how to tell AIDS that it needs to clean up after itself. Frequent Guest Appearances by: Howard Stern and Dick Cheney
- ...Brady Bunch 2: Wayne in da' house: Wayne Brady returns for his revenge on the family, notably Marcia. However, Marcia is ready for war, with her army of 15,000 undead Joan of Arcs, and the ultimate battle takes place. In the end Wayne Brady chokes a bitch. Specifically, Marcia.
- ...The Inbreedy Bunch: Starring Josef Fritzl and Elizabeth Fritzl, it is about their lives during the time when Elizabeth was locked in the basement for 23 years and had children with her father.
- The Bradys are the official moderators of the Zonatuning internet forum.
- Maureen McCormick was the Lindsay Lohan of the 70's or the baby-boomer generation. She was the slut and the drug-addict chick of the 70's.
Where Are They Now?
When they're not acting in sequels or attending fan conventions the Brady Bunch actors have varied lives of their own.
- Mike is still in show business, tap dancing away on any show that'll have him, and getting thinner and thinner. He enjoys guesting on game shows and is looking forward to some more cigarette advertising, since the money from the last lot has run out.
- Carol was mistaken for her own exhibit in Madame Tussaud's in 1993 and has been unable to leave the building.
- Greg converted to Shinto Buddhism and achieved enlightenment, only to be eaten by a yak the following day.
- Marcia has released three electric folk albums under the name Maddy Prior, and has an injunction preventing Greg from buying them, downloading them or listening to them at a friend's house. She also starred in the sequel to Buttsluts Go Nutts, replacing Brooke Shields.
- Peter is married to the winner of Cycle 1 of America's Next Top Model with three children (Andrew, 11, Sandra, 7, and Jamie, 2), enjoys water-skiing, is a local councillor in East Hartford, Connectthedots, and still thinks he is Peter Brady.
- Jan is still trapped in the Phantom Zone.
- Bobby enlisted in the paratroopers in 1975, concealing his true age and was in the last shipment of soldiers to Vietnam. Abandoned to fend for himself within three days of arriving, he survived in the jungle for four years before surrendering. After two more years in a re-education camp he became a fitter and turner in a combine harvester factory in Haiphong. Elected local union representative by the comrades on his floor, he rose through the ranks of the Party and is now Deputy Minister for Industrialization. He served as Vietnam's ambassador to Cuba in 1998-2000.
- Cindy tragically died at the age of 17 on safari in Tanzania, when a bull elephant she was stalking ran amok and crushed her Land Rover, flinging the wreckage into the bottomless blue lake of Ngorongoro Crater.
- Alice joined a religious order that sought communion with birds, and lived to the age of 102, when was butchered by her real-life husband, Sam the Eagle.
- Oliver leads a rich and fulfilling life as a buttplug.
- Tom is now a star center for the Jim's Soup Kitchen Tornadoes, of the Western Rhode Island League of Women's Rollerball.
- Conor the little known star of the brady bunch is now a successful ribbon salesman in Lucan, a small town in Ireland.
- Sam "The Butcher" Became a Scout Master shortly after the show ended. He was charged with Rape and sentanced to fifty years in prison in 1982. After that he was raped and killed by Charles Manson only a month later.
Notable Gang Members
- Sam "The Butcher"
- Alice a.k.a. "The cleaning lady"
- A young Tommy Lee Jones
- Batman (before he turned to good)
- Dick Cheney "the boss"
- Your Mom
- Hannah "say hello to my little friend" Montana
- A bunch of little girls
- Pee Wee Herman
- Mary Jane Watson
For a few months, Sherwood Schwartz was criticized for portraying the group as a Mafia Crime Family. In several episodes, Mr. Brady was portrayed as the Don of the "Brady Crime Family", shown running casinos and racketeering the neighbors and local businesses. In one episode, broadcast in 1972, Mike Brady had four rival Dons assassinated during the baptism of his eldest son, Greg Brady. After an interview with Schwartz, the episode was declared lost and no further comments were made.