Brazil

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Estados Unidos do Brasil
United States of Brazil[1]
Brazil
Flag of Brazil Cbfguns
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "It's not our fault!" (former Disorder and Backwardness)
Anthem: "The Girl From Ipanema" (at elevators and department stores), "Roots, Bloody Roots" (war song)
BrazilEmpireMap
Capital Rio de Janeiro (summer), Buenos Aires (winter)
Largest city Hard to tell, what with the mirages and the ozone.
Official language(s) A strange Spanish dialect called Portuguese, spoken with what sounds uncannily like a Montreal accent.
Government Orgy
President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva da Carriage Return da Indent[who?]
National Hero(es) Pelé, Ayrton Senna, Zumbi, Beautiful Women and Barack Obama
Declaration
 of Independence
Are any of us truly free?
Currency Hostages
Religion New Age, Voodoo, Fundamentalist Evangelicals
Population A very rough estimate:
Major exports Music, rubber, alibis, drugs, bauxite, pamphlets that explain what bauxite is.
Major imports Fugitives, Volkswagen parts,
weapons of mass destruction
“We're all in it together, kid.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Brazil
“Only in Brazil, whores enjoy sex, drug dealers become addicted, blacks are for white supremacism, rich says they are for socialism and the poor are rightwing mongers”
~ Tim Maia[2]

Brazil is a pirate haven turned into a country on September 7, 1822. Brazil is best known for its history of cannibalism, its topless (for transvestites, bottomless for females) chick-esque culture of no-clothesism, its legendary soccer hooliganism and other criminal activities[3].

History

The Cannibalistic Era

704px-Cannibals.23232

Cannibalism in Brazil.

After several millenniums being a no-man's (read: Indians) land, Brazil after over centuries being visited by Phoenicians, Vikings, Chinese and lost drunk Irish navigators, was finally "discovered" by Cabral the Odorous in 1500 A.D. and immediately settled by Portuguese pickpockets and pirates. The Portuguese initially unsure what to do with the land recently "discovered", believing that the whole world was property of them and their neighbors, the Spaniards, decided to divide the world between them (with the Spaniards agreeing very contentedly), reserving Brazil for the banishment of its criminals and all sorts of undesirable bums and scammers. French, English and Dutch, were not consulted about such World partition. So, during the 16th and 17th centuries, competed fiercely against the Portuguese and Spaniards for the "Right" of exploit the World (Brazil included).

The Indians of Brazil, who were also not consulted about such exploitation, which included the clause that they should behave like property of the Portuguese and Spaniards, refused to play such slaves role, preferring to devour the intruders. Thus, faced with such native naughtiness added to inconvenience that Indians slaves also had a weak resistence to 'European' diseases, the Portuguese who needed to extract the Brazilian natural resources but were allergic to work, especially those related to heavy manual blue collar ones, thought no other choice but to encourage the importation of slaves from their allies in Africa.

The various Brazilian indigenous nations and tribes, which lived in a permanent state of war, pillage, trolling, rape and cannibalism, against each other, not be left shaken by the arrival of Europeans, and not only didn't stop with this nasty blood fun, but became delighted with the arrival of new players in the game. So, with Europeans and Indians fighting among themselves and against each other, in a bloody feast so tempting that many of the newcomers African slaves not resisted and rebelled, inviting themselves to enter and participate in such entertaining event.
All this came to generate hits ancestors of today videos games, such as "Call of Dirt" "Counter-StrOke" and "Street Fuckers", among other sales champions. This in turn generated new disputes, since both the Western India Company, Iberian kingdoms, all Aliens' tvs broadcasters (which were passing on Earth filming their series about human behavior, such as "Men Kingdom " and " Human Planet"), vied for primacy over the copyrights of such products. Not to mention the not authorized versions, sold in the market by rebellious slaves and Indians, produced in Sweden by ...Pirates (of course, who else would it be?). Having been born in that era, the inquisitorial habit of send heretics to the stake, for piracy.

In late 1570's King Don Sebastian, The Happy Gay (aka The Pleonastic), have decided not return of his excursion to Morocco leaving the kingdom without heirs to pay the gambling debts of Portuguese nobility, which found itself without option but to bet their asses in a last stand on poker table against Spain. As an inconsequential result, the whole Portuguese Empire fell in the happy lap of Spanish Crown and Brazil became occupied by Spanish Jesuits and settlers. In 1640 A.D., when it was finally established that the king of Spain had been cheating at cards, the Empire was handed back to Portugal and the Spanish-Brazilians had to learn Portuguese to be allowed to remain. It was a bad deal for the Spaniards; the cannibals, now 100% Christian, promptly ate them. They were apparently tasty but tough. Finally the colonists and natives lived side by side and developed a Língua Geral, or common language. The Europeans continued to bring disease with them, and most cannibals died out. After that a majority of the people decided to eat shellfish instead and the cannibalistic era was over.

Over 18th century, the Portuguese dedicated themselves to monopolize, steal... eam exploit to the maximum the natural resources of Brazil through labor slave, using the profit on such transactions to live like filthy rich, funding the nascent industrial wild English capitalism, since to have a high society "civilized" life in the tropics, they imported virtually everything, as ice skates (sic), ice to make ice cream, weapons to clear the land of wildlife and keep slaves in their place, among others vital products to live the fucking good lazy life in such conditions. For this, they didn't hesitate to repress impaling, burning alive, ungut, unbone or ban anyone who was involved with any movement that remotely resembled political autonomy or independence for Brazil or abolition of slavery.

The Brazilian Empire

Peter II

Emperor Peter II of Brazil, wearing his trademark Santa Claus carnival costume

In 1808, Napoleon who was still upset by the humiliating beating and rape that his generals had suffered in Haiti, decided to invade Spain and Portugal, partly to forget the threats of voodoo that followed the Caribbean "ingratitude" (of those whom he had tried with so much effort and dedication, drive back to slavery), partly to punish the Iberian kingdoms due their deaf ears to his invitation for them participate in the ground that he thought to impose on his main rival gang in organized crime world, leaving the English without his obsessive Iberian consumers, Olive oil, Porto wines, cod stew and summer beaches. In the stampede that followed the French invasion, the Portuguese court came along for the ride with the English navy to Brazil. In revenge, the Portuguese invaded French Guiana, trying there to replicate their production of fine wines, having however, due to the heat and the mosquitoes, only managed to produce balsamic vinegar. Exiled in Brazil, the Portuguese court became such settled in, getting used to the land, its inhabitants and customs, that only years after Napoleon defeated, has decided on free and spontaneous pressure (under penalty of losing the Portuguese kingdom to republicans insurgents,) return to Portugal, not before let its prince as heir bigwig in Brazil.

In 1822, due to Simon Bolivar's "terror" Booo campaign that lead to the independence of the Hispanic America, the King of Portugal, Don John VI the Chicken-Eater, told his elder son Peter the Dangler Sire (aka Pleonastic II, the straight one) to proclaim himself the Emperor of Brazil in order that, one day, eventually, Brazil and Portugal would rejoin. The plan seemed good but didn't work. First because the Portuguese colonialists didn't agreed to deliver the rings to save the fingers. In the extreme southern, and in northern Brazil, they resisted for almost 2 years before having their asses kicked and heads rolled. Second, after independence, the Brazilians could not agree among themselves. Each group wanted to impose itself more than other, and the emperor most than anyone. To make things worst, everyone laughed since the beggining when the emperor and his allies warned that a country that didn't produce anything industrialized and relied on slave labor had no future at all:
"That naive! Never heard of international division of labor? Still not learned that those who work are slaves, poor and the English, we should live only to consume?"
The mess was of such amount, that Uruguayans have decided not to participate in it, fought for independence and create a mess of their own. So, when emperor Peter I heard that due a chicken bone choking incident, the throne of Portugal was vacant, he leaped from his feet and left Brazil to his 5 year-old son, Peter II, The Santa Clone.

The ship that led the former emperor had yet badly disappeared over the horizon toward to Portugal, and has already begun a series of wars of all against all, to occupy the throne, ending the slave trade and slavery, keeping the slave trade and slavery, secede from Brazil, being an host city of the next world cup, not necessarily in this order, or simultaneously. After this period of nearly fifteen years, when the survivors got tired and decided to leave everything as it was before, with Santa Claus clone on the throne, the country experienced decades of relative internal peace in the rest of the monarchic period, just bothered by the fact that the English navy has made of slave trade, a unviable business. To offset the boredom, the local elite enjoyed, besides the traditional sadistic rituals against slaves, fought (through their armies, of course) with the elites of the neighboring countries, which eventually led to wars... killing the "surplus" population and "resolving" political disputes.

War on Paraguay

The biggest of these wars was against its neighbour Paraguay. This war was due to after-effects of colonialism in Latin America, and a diplomatic incident, like one the same it originate American civil war did occur when Paraguayan president Francisco Solano Lopez "El Quesoso" after had his proposal, to join The Lopes family with Brazilian Imperial family, refused, said "Your bastards, how do you dare? Your GangLand of Apes, Brazil is ridiculous" and received a prompt answer: "Ho ho ho, look who is talking, Paraguay is even more ridiculous". In reply, Paraguay answered through its embassy: "And you are ridiculously ridiculous" and heard back: "You are ridiculously ridiculously ridiculous na na na na na naaa". This diplomatic exchange kept going for years until the word "ridiculously" was filling 1,591 diplomatic bags for each exchange, and they found this fact somewhat ridiculous. So the two countries waged war to see who was more ridiculous with Brazil dragging Uruguay and Argentina along the way.

Almost 6 years and hundred thousands deaths after, both sides decided to put a end in the conflict through a drinking duel. In reality this kind of "liquid solution" had been tried twice and either times Lopez had won, one against the first allied commander, the argentinian Bartolomeu Mitre, who after lose the quarrel retreat from the war with a record time developed cirrhosis. The second time the duel loser was no one less than the Brazilian emperor in person, Peter II, the Santa Claus' clone, who to justify his fame gave to Lopes this precious Christmas' gift. But in both times, Lopez chuck away his fortune due to be so drunk after the duels that he was not in conditions to specify and make worth any possible demands as winner, as well as his entire council, generals and advisers whose in the process of celebrate the 2nd victory forgot to avoid the replay of this error. As punishment Lopez put them to death by drowning in barrels full of the infamous paraguayan Whiskey. So, one more time the allies representatives had succeed to retreat from the table duel before the paraguayan leader could back to his 'sobriety' (ethylicly talking).

But this 3rd time, retreating on battle fields, with Brazilian and allies troops already in the surroundings of the Paraguayan capital, Asunción city, Lopez knew that this was a last change he would had to save his Face and Bum. He just didn't knew that by this time his adversary will be a professional and skilled duelist not just on drinking but also in many kinds of duel, beyond be the new allied commander, the Duke of Caxias, aka "the closet queen" General. Furthermore the time and health had began to charge over Lopez years of drinking duels. By the 4rth day of duel, Lopez simply collapsed, after suffered his 5th alcoholic coma along the quarrel that was followed by the 16th heart attack, seeing he was lost, Lopez tried to suicide placing a bottle in his own ass. As he failed, Caxias undress the trousers, tooking off from his ass a huge rolling pin and showed it to Lopez, saying "don't you be ashamed sissy, weeping for so little?". See and hear that was the finishing stroke for Lopez. He didn't die, shocked and fell in a vegetative state with his body being confiscated by allies and selled to PT Barnum's circus to cover paraguayan debts of war.[4]

The End of Slavery and Monarchy

After nineteen laws setting free specific portions of the slave population ("Just the ones with a mole on the left ear", "Just the ones lacking one member - eunuchs not included", "Just the soul singers", "Just the ones capable of growing a bee beard"), in 1888, Peter's daughter, Isabel The Plain, decided to really put an end to slavery. She had a discussion with her slave housemaid about hygiene — Africans have the weird habit of bathing daily instead of monthly. This upset many influential sectors of the Brazilian populace, as they could not tell the blacks from the less-than-blacks anymore. So, in 1889, the Monarchy was overthrown by a military coup and Isabel was sent into exile in Paris, France. She never did manage to express her gratitude in coherent words.

The First Brazilian Republic

Kicked the Emperor, had began with a huge financial bubble, the 1st republican Brazilian era, which under a good music background had it's 41 years made-up by fraudulent elections that alternate on surface national leadership, corrupt politics from states of São Paulo and Minas Gerais, practice aka as "coffee and milk politics", since these were the main products of these 2 states.

It was presumably to be a era it follow the lemma wrote on national flag, plenty of "order and progress" (sic). But with a lot of (Un)"order" and a little if any progress, beyond a quick and insignificant visit to World War I Theater and struggle against tropical diseases, Spanish flu etc, it also had lot of

  • "schemes";[5] <-------------- Just in case if you have any consideration for your filthy sweaty pennies
  • civilian riots, which also means blood;
  • military insurrections, blood again;
  • intrigues, eventually blood;
  • treation, more blood ...well more the same. Saw enough? So move on.

The "New Order", a Glorious Civilian Dictatorship

Julia Bison

Getúlio Vargas, also shown at the Carnival with his "Banana Republic Dictator" costume. Historicists suspect that all following dictators were just clones of Vargas.

After the 1929's Crash the other states of federation, specially Rio Grande do Sul and Rio de Janeiro, didn't like the stop of money flooding from São Paulo and Minas, so decided that was time to put a end on that partnership.

Getúlio Danny DeVito Vargas, also known as Vargas the shortish, raised to power in a coup in October, 1930 promising real free elections and democracy. But he and the military whom supported him found the power a good thing to have and a hard to leave, so they're lay and lay there... initiating also a Latin American tradition that said when a military raised to power through a coup, if name it a "revolution", change the military clothes by civilian expensive dress suits, call the dictator "Mr. president", all this stuff will look like as reeeeal "democratic".

In July 1932, the Paulistas (the natives from state of São Paulo) tought that they had had enough from Vargas deciding put him down and bring back the old republican fashion but after some months of fighting, failed and had their butts kicked all the way back to their homes. In 1935, was the time for communist tried it but ...guess, they failed too and the survivors gain some loooong constrained Chain Gang vacations in the Tropical Syberia, the Amazon Rainforest then aka know as "The Green Hell". In 1938, the round to make a try was for Brazilian fascists, whom were resented due to had been get rid of the power despite their support to Vargas' (another) coup a year before. They were financially supported by Italy and Germany, it were resented too due the fact that the ambiguous Vargas had refused, in the same 1937 before, formally join the Axis of Power at side with them and Japan. But, well well well, guess again... this coup also failed although the fascists survivors, after the usual prison and torture season, had had to face a better fate (the exile) than the Reds 3 years before.

As a part of his new policies, Vargas decided to outlaw cannibals, Japs, Italians and Germans. The latter eventually allowed Brazil to court the favour of the Allies in WWII. Despite then Vargas acted like a fascist himself and found Nazis cooler-looking, the Americans gave a lot more in terms of diplomatic/commercial benefits, so in 1941 he promised to join forces with any country from American continent it would be attacked first by a non American nation. Indeed, he didn't expected to do nothing more than moral support and beauty speeches but fucking war!... Came Pearl Harbour and he had to keep his word (big mouth he thought); his friends Adolph and Mussolini didn't like it, furthermore Brazilians were helping Americans to supply the England and USSR, so they decided to give a lesson to those treacherous monkeys sinking many Brazilian's merchant ships they could catch. Well, like any other people, Brazilians are also scoundrelish but not chickens, so forced Vargas and the military to formally join forces with the Allies in 1942. But not Vargas not the military were very enthusiastic to dive in the allied cause, so they keep putting off, by one side the allied leaders like Churchill who wait additional military forces from the new member of the club and by other side the brazilian public, it wait for revenge against the nazi-fascist gang.

UNhistorical unTranscription dialog between W.Churchill(WC) and Getúlio Vargas(GV) through their ambassors in the autumm, 1942:
WC: Fuck it Vargas, when do you'll take your stinky butt out this seat and do something practical for the cause?
GV: Easy Winston, I'm thinking about the case...
WC: What?! Hells Vargas, Look, if your unorganizated government are unable to put your citizens in conditions to fight, give me them. We British will transport, train, equip and send them to help kick the germans and italians' butts right now in north of Africa.
GV: by chance, it would not look like as the "support" that you gave to portugueses on last World War or it would?
WC: eammmm... cough cough cough, Oh common' Vargas... do you born yesterday? Shit happens
GV: That's it.
WC:Your cynical, don't you care about what think your own people, angered to revenge the nazis' offenses?
GV: Common' Winston, we are politicians, none of us give a damm shit about public thinking, if there is such thing. The difference is that I admit it, after all I'm a dictator.
WC: Your... stupid savage. Do you have a tiny idea of the danger run the world and civilization if Hitler and his gang win this war? Have youuuuu?
GV: Well, I don't see why you are so anxious Winston; don't have now the russians and the yankees at Your ...eeaammm I mean Our side? Not mention the chineses in east and your own vast worldly empire to hide and make a guerrilla at worst scenario...
WC: @#$%¨&*** (muttered)
GV: So my friend, if the things slow down or gets real worse, you have my word that I'll uncouple my cannibals But little by little and by myself Ok?! In the meantime - easy and lets take a drink
Brazilian ambassor: your pure or with ice, prime minister?

UNhistorical unTranscription dialog between Franklin Roosevelt(FDR) and Getúlio Vargas(GV) a year later 1943:
FDR: Ok Vargas your bastard, now that Mussolini is out of the game and russians screwed the germans doing the hard work, before we americans finish the job I should ask if do you really want into the party, before this mess is over, honouring the will of your own people ...But since I known you very well your filthy piece of shit, I'll go right to the point; WHAT A_RE YOURR PRI__CE fellow?
GV: You know Franklin, I was already rich before being dictator so is not money...
FDR: Okaaaay I got it
GV: Weeell, Now we coming close to a deal.

Thus, Vargas and his own gang were just waiting the war came to a end by itself. Eventually Churchill lose his patience and quit But not Roosevelt nor the brazilians public and around 1944 as that fucking war didn't end by itself, Vargas was by the conditions forced ...again to keep his word and send the promised expeditionary force. At first sight, all Racists, from the enemy Germany to the ally USA didn't give a shit about that brazilians Army's division and a air fighter squadron; that "gang of cannibals", non segregate troops; "WHAT BAD EXAMPLE to white world!!!" Tsc tsc tsc But eventually were compelled to face the music and swallow those guys, Whom Fighting for democracy in Italy, kicking the fascist and nazis' butts while having a dictator in their own home became a little confused and in order to avoid thinking too much, threw down Vargas in 1945, right after the victory.
But as sometimes, the remedy is worse than the disease, they found better to bring him back, democratically elect in 1950. Four years latter, pushed by conditions ...agaaain, Vargas announced "fuck this political crisis! I won't leave before my term finish, I prefer kill myself than resign", so as the conditions worst, he decided ...one more time keep his words and ...killed himself (big mouth again); impressing and getting back his lost appeal with the public, screwing in this process all political enemies whom were almost taking the power with financial support of american agents unsatisfied with the petroleum nationalization one year before. So, with all this shit, it was postponed another militar dictatorship for happy 10 years.

Cheap cars, Bad drinkers and a new Capital

In the mid 1950's was elect Juscelino Kubitschek promising bring 50 years of progress in 5, altough vague as any Politician's promise, anyway considering the delay were in the country, also wasn't a hard task to do. But the "progress" was basically summed up to made easy to the Big wordly Cars factories came to country and the change of Summer capital from Rio de Janeiro to the geographic center of country, moving the political institutions away from population of big cities and the inconvenience of it's protests, which would make the elites classes' lifes in general, politicians and military included, much happier despite they didn't show it then but the contrary ...tsc tsc tsc ungrateful and near-sighted brazilian high society. 'Cause, in spite of, in practice, everything else remain in the shit, the jobs created with this process added to some victories in sports like in the 1958's World Cup help sell the useful delusion for the people that "Now the country was finally take off" "the Giant was finally wake" and other bullshit media's lemmas.

Whiskey Power

Some said that the power can inebriate. In 1961 the then brazilian president Jânio Quadros decided took it literally 'til the last drop.

But as there is no eternal happiness, in the 1960 was elect Jânio Quadros, a guy who definitively didn't knew how to drink. Contrary to artful scoundrels like Churchill, Vargas and Stalin, this one was easy and severelly knocked out by the drinks. Also unable to deal with the congress, in 1961 after some usual drinks he had the "splendid" idea to took a leaf out of Castro and De Gaulle and ask for his resign waiting that in Brazil the events would follow the similar paths of Cuba and France, that is, the congress and the people will run entreating him to back and offering anything to him stay in the office. But ...congress accept his resign and Nobody gave a shit about. When press ask him why he did so big shit, he blame on "liquid forces".
So, the vice-president João Goulart the Skinny, became president. The conservatives whom were unable to reach the power through elections accused him to be a communist (despite the contrary facts of being catholic, landowner and one of the richest men in Brazil) since he was pro for basic labor laws as to pay wages for employees. Therefore began the conspiration against his "too liberal" government And with the help of the very conservative press (besides the only it was exist then), some military looking for a reason to coup (just to mantain the traditions), political adversaries (eagers to took the presidential seat without the inconvenience and risks of a election), american support - easy to gain in Cold War context : "Hey Sucker, Look that guy, he is a communist, Boooooo, red since the birth, Booooo, give me your money to threw him down, make the business easy and keep the world free pffff" and last but not least, the help of himself, Goulart was set aside by a military coup on the night of march 31 to April, 1 (traditionaly know in Brazil, much before it happen, as the day of Lie) 1964.

The Hateful Military Dictatorship

In 1964, the new self-imposed dictator, Generalissimo Humberto Castello Branco The Neckless sent the Brazilian Army to invade the Dominican Republic from where Brazil tried to launch an invasion on USA to put an end to that hippie buffoonery. Fortunately for the American hippie mofos, the Brazilian government soon realized its mistake: they were destroying almost all of the potential tourists to Brazil. Until this hippie incident, Commie parties in Brazil were severely repressed. Nevertheless, the military found their destruction of traditional values quite appealing to sex tourists, so all of the remaining Communists were kept in special safehouses built in Brazilian universities. The side effect of this policy, that considering as communist anyone who didn't said "Yes, Sir" to everything came from dictatorship and american policy, added to then news about war crimes in Vietnam is the cause of the arise of the anti-Americanism in the 1960's and '70's of almost all Brazilians and Latin Americans as well. However, Brazilian culture is nevertheless warm and receptive, and they can easily forget about this for about 50 US Dollars (Subject to inflation). [6]

Specially from 1968, the military began to get rid of the opposition, labeling as dangerous “terrorist-communist-children-devoures”, killing, arresting and torturing, not necessarily in this order, anyone who was crazy enough to claim for democracy. In the meantime, most of the public was distracted amused by the vision of things like the economic boom, the 3rd World Cup acquired by the national football team and the economy secretary's promise that in the due time every one would receive her/his piece of the pie of economic development, taking part of the party.

Eventually, after the 1st petroleum crisis, each day passed sinalized to this majority, that the “due time” was turning far, far away in a vague future; the “Pie” was becoming rotten & smaller; the “party” was (again) coming to a end without their participation and, as misfortunes seldom come singly, the traditional way that the police had ever treated the poor people had joined with the “new” way of political repression that was class igualitarian. So, anyone could be now classified as a “terrorist-communist-children-devourer” to be legally killed, arrested and tortured, not necessarily in this order, even without being crazy enough to claim for “terrorist-communist-children-devourer”'s preferences as decent salaries or fair elections.

In end of 1970s, popular pressure, general strikes, the 2nd petroleum crisis and Jimmy “Human Rights” Carter (determination that the “smart” south americans vampires elites had had enough of the Sucker's blood american's money to combat the “red danger” that was revealed not that red neither that danger) leads General João Figueiredo to decide, after a much tought with his horses, that democracy was better.

But power it's a thing that is easy to enjoy but hard, very, very hard to leave. And even that there were not much more to the military plunder, the transition to democracy went slowwwwwnly, ve__ry, ve___ry, veeeeeeeery slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnly zzzzzzzzzzzzz .... wow oh, sorry, Where we were? Ah, in the end of that fucked dictatorship Okay, it's came to a end by steps in the mid80's in a serie of deals between the military and the main corrupt elite politicians under popular pressure. So guess, without what and Who all those deals were sealed? Yeah, free direct elections (that just happen in 1989) and the people, who had did the pressure but in the end, one more time, just lose out...

The Democracy, Yay!

Despite some complaints that giving a voting schedule to a Brazilian was like giving a razor to a chimpanzee, democracy caught on during the 80's.Soon educated Brazilians[7] would realize that it would be less of a disaster giving razors to Brazilian people instead.

A major scandal hit Brazil when in 1992 President Fernando Collor de Mello was caught on corruption. Outraged citizens deposed him and executed by a savage method for high treason. However, he was pardoned after ten years of being dead and was elected Senator. His successor Itamar Franco, wasn't so stupid and prefered funnier and safer activities than corruption

In 1999 Brazilian President Fernando Henrique Cardoso won an Academy Award for Best Actor, for highly convincing pretending being social-democrat.

Lula da silva

Brazilian President Luís Inácio Lula da Silva. Commies The Bearded Toad [8]

Being colonized by pickpockets, pirates and mafia underbosses, Brazil is... nah, you know, you watch the news...

By the way, there are important issues when talking about Brazilian politics. The communists, sent to the Universities by the military dictatorship, started to develop their own administrative theories, in spite of the ANPT (Administration Non-Proliferation Treaty)

Well, after 500 years being ruled by local illuminati elites (The descendings of the mentioned pirates, scoundrels and slave merchants), the majority of people saw, again, that in all these centuries of slave work (1st legally and after disguised) they had got nothing of good_S, so nothing to lose, they decided to give a self_try electing one of themselves, Lula da Silva, “the bearded toad” to the despair of elites and the tiny & crude brazilian middle class (that according to him, are snobs who in swaggering to make believe they are rich, eat fish with fries but fart it to sound like caviar), for whose any oposition are “Commies”, had to swallow the toad, with his bear... who to them, is the true beast of the apocalipse, the “terrorist-communist-children-devourer” prototype, a tropical Robin Hood etc etc
“After all who this gang of aboriginals think they are? Citizens? And for god's sake hell (sic), why these people want to make money or have wages? Isn't enough to have a work? Why they insist to eat every day? A weekly meal is good enough, ... @#$%¨&” “where are the fucking military who still didn't screw him?”
“What the white house are waiting for to boycott this punk? Fucking shit
"What will come next??? A blackma... Oh sorry Mr. Obama (*&¨%$#). Sorry, really sorry" please, please, please don't drone me ...I'm just an innocent civili.. No, no, this won't work - I'm a defense contractor :) Ok ok? Oh shit, I think I peed my pants" (ºº~)
"Well... it could be worse, like in Argentina, a woman president for exampl... OH SHIT!"

The mutant pole dance era

Poles dance

Gilma in her old days before the military regime transform her in a mutant, in the same place where Lula discovered her years later.
She is the middle left pole

In 2010, the laborer mutant, bearded toad, who can mutates in a clam, with the involuntary cooperation of his greedy, racist, myopic, elitist political adversaries, lived a wave of popularity so great that it in order to secure his retirement, he bet with his own party, the press, and major bookmakers around the planet (including the Stock Exchanges) that he could elect his successor, no matter whoever or whatever that come to be...
And he did it so, with a pole dance...
This pole, whom he affectionately called Gilma Roosaiph, the big people's vibrator, was also a mutant, she, in the case, since it was a pole that... who can mutates in the Queen of Hearts from Alice' wonderland, a mutation that begun to occur after the radioactive torture that she suffered during the military regime.

Dilma Queen of Cups

Gilma in her official mutant form, The Queen of (FIFA's)Cups.

But what few know is that in fact, during those infamous torture Swedish sessions, of which besides she developed Stockholm syndrome, the military had deployed in Gilma, a reactionary neo-conservative cooptation chip called the "delirium of power", to be activated when decades later she became the first woman president of Brazil.
"How fuckin the military could knew that this would happen?" Can you ask yourselves... Well, Macumba, my friends. The Brazilian "voodoo". Or would be Voodoo, the Haitian "Macumba"? Anyway, no matter now...
What matters is that after many sessions of voodoo mixed with Brazilian cachaça, Paraguayan whiskey, craps, roulette, and consultations with exiled Soviets, experts in paranormal phenomena, they came to know. Although such premonition for them has became a curse, since most of that military officers, imagining that they had discovered the "golden goose" for the divination of the future, began to speculate heavily in all forms of gambling, lotteries, betting markets; having failed, losing all the money they had stolen in years of dictatorship, in addition to nearly bring the country into bankruptcy with their prescient bets.
Anyway, the chip implanted in Gilma appears to have been a success. At first all the groups that had supported the campaign of the mutant pole (blacks, liberals, gays, lesbians, indians etc etc), believed that freak alliances that Gilma do with religious fundamentalists, reactionary landowners, among others, it was just an expedient - first for election, and then elected, that was part of the process of governance. But gradually, all saw that something was really, really wrong with Gilma and her Zombies...

Events still in action, wait for update... Muahahahahahahaaaaa

Brazilian Politicians

According to the local folklore, Brazilian politicians can only be killed with stakes, holy water or exorcisms from the Pope himself. The most popular theory is that they are Sauron's orcs in disguise, while some favor the idea that they are, in fact, Dracula's poor cousins enjoying their retirement in a tropical country. Support for the latter comes from famed politician-slash-dark-wizard Ioseph Dircaeus, who has been seen riding a Nazgul in the sky. His natural enemies are old men with canes and men abused by their wives (ie, Jefferson). They also tend not to like orcs.

They can be separated into 3 subsections:

  • The Corrupt: Approximately 99.37% of the Brazilian government can be classified here.
  • The Pure: Uncorrupted as of yet. Also known as "first-termers" or "idiots"
  • The Inane: President Squidward.

Economics

Xuxa

Xuxa, believe it or not, is Brazil's most famous children's TV hostess.[9] [10]

Brazil's main exports are transgender and mulatta wives to Europe. Brazil is also known on a global scale for its democratization of computers - you may buy any software for about $4, in open air, with no police issues raised. McDonald's internet cafes provided the base for the orkut takeover by angry Brazilian semi-literates.

Brazil's main imports are:

  • Almost everything non-edible from China (yeah, no big deal)
  • Smuggled goods from Paraguay (including returned stolen and hijacked Brazilian cars, washed "clean" in Paraguay)
  • Snacks and non-hippie/non-sexual tourists from Argentina (too poor for a decent trip)
  • Delicatessens and anti-American ideology from Europe
  • Tons of dope and some gratuitous resentment from Bolivia and Paraguay
  • Flute players from Peru
  • 1-litre beer bottles from Uruguay[11]
  • Criminals, terrorists and other fugitives from everywhere (warm and receptive, remember)
  • Dollars and Euros from college-degree toilet-washing illegals from all around the world

Brazil has four transnational corporations:

  • Globo: makes Mexican soap operas in Portuguese and television children shows featuring former go-go girls as hostesses. Brazil has a deep tradition in its soaps, differing from Mexican ones in that the main female character wears a bikini ad nauseum and has sex before marriage with her passing acquaintances, who, by the way, wear Hawaiian shirts with the 4 top buttons opened, instead of possessing a mustache.
  • Universal Church of the Kingdom of God: a strange cult based on "miracles for money". Their faith is practiced on former movie theaters turned into über-kitsch "temples".
  • Habib's: makes money selling tiny floppy over-moisturized pizzas called "sfihas". They call it Arabian food, despite topping these things with pork sausages.
  • Petrobras: despite the gas-inspired name, they are now trying to introduce sugar cane alcohol in USA. Just try to start a 100% ethanol fueled car in the winter — and we are talking about the Brazilian winter[12], not your pansy little "oh-look-some-snow" winter. Actually, Petrobras' main products are not gasoline or ethanol, but CEO chairs to trade to political allies and all of the Brazilian state-subsided movie production. Do you remember watching any Brazilian movie? So do Brazilians.

Society and Culture

Mapa brasil

A Brazillian point of view.

Carnaval Brazil

Brazil has a flourishing pet husbandry industry.

Brazilians have a warm and receptive culture. For instance, they received Ronald Biggs, Augusto Stroessner and Josef Mengele with open legs arms. With their warm and receptive justice code, any criminal, rapist, genocidal dictator or serial killer can feel at home in Brazil.

Er... Sorry, but however uncomfortable, we have to talk a little about this. Brazilians are considered somewhat dumb, that is, stupid. Note that Brazilians like to boast that they are better or worse in anything worldwide, for example that would are no dumb people outside Brazil, that's a confirmed fact that the world outside Brazil is a perfect paradise. The Brazilian international IQ average is 05[13], which means the same distance that separates their IQ tests (which, needless to say, for them is another prank opportunity to get someone to madness) from the rest of mankind (as they never tired to boast), as the distance that separates a Japanese average IQ from the average American IQ (ie Forrest Gump)[14]. As an example demonstrating such "dumbness", when Brazilians are told that they are dumb, they answer that they are dumb because they are poor (the poorest in the world, of course). This is an excellent argument, since it is circular, which can easily lead to madness any market fundamentalist preacher, who falls in blunder of trying to evangelize a vagabond Brazilian (sorry for the pleonasm), and naive enough not to realize that is being the victim of a circular prank, which usually ends when the prankster gets tired of the victim and leads the poor devil to a mental collapse with the fateful "rich people pay rich people to make the middle class suckers believe that everything is the fault of the poor".
There is another variation of this prank directed at socialists and communists preachers, but because of these specimens have become endangered during the last dictatorship, it has been punished by the environmental police with severe fines. With the recent increase in the population of such specimen, there are expectations that they soon will return to the list of pranksters.

The South and Southeast of Brazil is inhabited also by a curious kind of exotic and schizophrenic decadent conservatives, who really think that somehow they are "Members of the Western World", that slavery is not over, that paying taxes is not required but a favor (which is not entirely wrong), that agree with their opinions is a must, and the contrary is ample proof of sub-humanity, idiocy, stupidity, evilness and corruption, which is their preferred motto when they are trying to change the subject in any situation of which they want to flee "But, what about the corruption?", especially when they own are adherents of it.
Generally, being the most of them just harmless hypocritical swindlers, in recent years the Center for Development of Useless Research for Defense of Tradition, Behavior and Moral let out a strain of mutant virus that has spread among this population, generating a deadly variation of these specimen that leaves the streets at night in groups for beat, burn and kill all fags, beggars, homeless residents and alone unlucky heedless and preferably drunk blacks, who they can find along the way.

"Brazilians are not racist" is another common boasting motto that Brazilians love to repeat like parrots (shouting in general, especially when is shown that they, in reality, are). Just another "good for the outside" of course. While we must concede that peculiar aspect of racism in Brazil that Brazilian history has extensively proven, how easy having a non-racist penis can be, the mad-dash of interracial sex and pregnancy, they have about 10,000 "races" there, each defined by a proper adjective for being less-than-black or blacker-than-average (pardo, café-com-leite, sarará, moreninho, petróleo, Pelé, etc.). Every year there are contests to see who is wearing the more exotic skin color in each village. It's a tight contest, preceded by record sales of soap and sulphuric acid. In truth Brazilians are really shades of gray between white and black.

Brazil is the world's main exporter of elevator music. For the ones too poor to afford an elevator, Brazilian also produce kinds of Pop crap music, which according themselves (guess again), is one of worst (be proud) things that ever appeared on earth.[15]

And there's the Carnival... Yeah... Well, that's the festival in February or, sometimes, March when Brazilians (un)dress like prey birds, flock to the streets, dance to the sound of very annoying music, and proceed to drink and screw a lot. Except for the birds costumes, all of that occurs all year long in Brazil, so Carnival is damn near pointless, except to the mafia bosses who organize the parades, the sex tourists who want to see the parades, and the TV celebs that dress like chickens during the parades.

Sports

JuniorDosSantos

Junior Dos Santos beating up the Legend himself, Mirko Cro Cop. All in the name of Brazil!

SCmaradona

Maradona aka SEPOP[16] the best Brazilian (and therefore the World) football player of all time.

Ronaldoh

Messi while playing for Brazil

Brazilian street fighting, or capoeira, is internationally famous, thanks to some cheesy action movies and popular video games. There are 2 types of Capoeira:

  • The Capoeira itself, a kind of mix of Anything Goes+MMA of the past, which besides the traditional strokes with legs and feet, has numerous variations with hands, bare or using razor, knife, sticks, machetes, bottles, revolvers (strangely, there certain rejection by their more traditional practitioners, regarding automatic pistols) or anything that anyone can put on hands for "non-Christians" purposes; and
  • Capoeira for tourists and bored middle class, which consists of dancing while pretending you are fighting or, inversely, fighting while pretending you are dancing. Yeah, this last version doesn't work much. So, Brazilians changed this one to Jiu Jitsu for sports entertainment and let "capoeira" just as a tourist trap.

Brazil is internationally known as the home of soccer football. Seems that's the only thing they can do properly. The country is the birthplace of the ugliest best football players of the world, like Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Pelé, Messi and Maradona[17].

Despite the common misconception that Brazil is inhabited only by Football hooligans, there are some rather unusual sports quite popular as well, like Mugging, Kidnapping, Shooting and Running From The Cops, Gun Fighting, Torching, And setting up traps to set bodies on fire in between 5 sets of rubber tires to Burn another inattentive or simply unlucky people, be them, themselves or tourists.

Brazilians also rule the fighting sport of Mixed Martial Arts but they won't expect you pussy Gringo foreign to understand what a tough sport is.

Religions

Despite the vast majority of Brazilians declaring themselves Catholics, the religious scene of Brazil is quite syncretic. Brazilians are all adept in more than one religion at the same time. There, the main ones are:

  • Brazilian-style Catholicism: about the same as normal Catholicism, just that you can wear condoms and screw a lot before, during and after the marriage and don't feel any guilt. Killing a black, a woman, a unionist, a child, a journalist, a Indian (yeah, they were not completely extinguished, yet...) especially if a poor person, in Brazilian Catholicism is also considered a minor sin if performed by an policeman and/or a hired thug following orders of (or either directly killed by) someone with a certain sinless income.
  • Spiritualism: where in the world there are still a place with "people crazy enough to believe in Allan Kardec's theories"? (Yeah you guessed again, the "we, the proud worst ones" rides again)...
  • Fundamentalist Evangelicals: basically, the local variation was founded by street burglars. But instead of yelling "Your money or your life" they started asking: "Your money or your eternal life".
  • Traditional Evangelicals: the same as Fundamentalist Evangelicals but attending services at way poorer churches because their priests never learned how to take as much money from people as the Fundamentalist Evangelical ones do.
  • Voodoo: or Macumba, as the locals call it. Afro-Brazilian religion, in which the old Yoruba and Bantu gods had their names exchanged with Catholic saints because these folks are too much ashamed to admit they practice a so 4th worldish thing like voodoo. Cool drumplay and some rituals, but as mainstream religion, apart some state-funded tourist-trapping hula-hulas, is left out.
  • New Age: you guessed it right. Cheap marijuana, nudism (with and without sex), waterfalls, beaches lacking tourism infrastructure ...Yeah, Brazil is almost a hippie's dreamland.
  • The Cult of The Butt: actually, the only religion practiced by 100% male Brazilians. The adepts congregate at temples called bars, drink their sacred beverage, and start singing chants about their favourite body part. When a female passes, they perform the sacred ritual named stalking. Historians once thought that the Brazilian flag was inspired by freemasonry, but the real answer is quite obvious from that curve (see above)...
Jose2

One of the most famous Brazilian pimps is Joe Carioca.

Snogging or sniffing

A very famous love story in Brazil...

The Amazon

Green. Hot. Big. Shrinking. Overflowing with mosquitoes. 2,000 miles from where 99.99% of Brazilians live, although some people in Glasgow think all the Brazilians live in Amazonia.

BrazilMap

See also

Footnotes

  1. No joke, it was this name for a long time.
  2. Late pop singer with a phenomenal voice, and still the World Record Holder of all time in the category for "Not showing up at his own shows" (when he was still alive, of course), as well as in an tough dispute with Wilson Simonal (another late fuckin' good - despite a crook - Brazilian singer) in the category "Never sing, or sing as little as possible in your own shows, making the audience loves to work for you" ...Yeah fellows, reality can be much more hilarious than anything we can imagine
  3. According to anthropologists, the country is reminiscent of the cannibalistic ages.
  4. True.
  5. Now, dear reader is necessary in order to avoid misunderstandings among amateurs and professional swindlers, hypocrites and crooks, we make a small pause to clarify the difference between Scheme and Scam:
    As already recalled a Brazilian contemporary of Marx (Groucho, not Karl ), The Baron of Itararé "Scheme, noble reader, is when you are on the top of the pyramid an insider. Scam is when you are not! It's that simple". Now that this pivotal point in our lives was again cleared, you can return to your peaceful regurgitation, or not...
  6. "We fuck you, fuck you for just fifty bucks!"
  7. Note: oxymoron not intended
  8. For those who didn't get it: Lula=Squid in Portuguese
  9. This picture is from Brazilian Playboy magazine, taken before she started her TV career. Wink wink.
  10. Do you think this image should have made this article Not Safe For Work?... Well, that's a damn shame. All of Brazil is not safe for work.
  11. We had to say something positive!
  12. At its coldest, a minimum of 30º F in very small portions of the country; mostly ranging from 48 to 60 or no winter at all
  13. Yeah, The Worst one
  14. Also true...
  15. Fuck Yeah :)
  16. Self-Proclaimed Son of Pelé
  17. In his spare time, Maradona besides providing solidarity with leftist autocrats, acts as God, activity in which he overcomes his fellow countrymen since he have his own church in a neighborhood in Buenos Aires. Reality rides again ...it never tires to troll us

Videos

Note: if you don't speak Portuguese, this list is useless to you. Anyway, if you don't speak Portuguese, why are you interested in Brazil? Are you a hippie? Or a sex tourist? In case of the latter, call me at 55 69 6924-2469.

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