The Boss Phenomenon

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The Boss Phenomenon is a term that refers to a weird universal phenomenon most intelligent life forms fail to understand, especially when those life forms are not bosses, which is usually the case.

edit What is a Boss?

From a taxonomical point of view, all beings in existence fall into either of the following groups:

  1. Living things: who actually 'do something' to make a living.
  2. Bosses: who tend to look at things other beings have done and say "hmmm" authoritatively. [1]

Scientifically, a Boss is a highly sophisticated and occasionally very loud Hi-Fi system (Hire/Fire Mechanism). Any entity capable of shouting something that might directly or indirectly affect the process of hiring/firing you is defined as your boss.

edit Origins of 'The Boss'

A deeper understanding of 'The Boss' phenomenon can be achieved through a thorough existential study of particle physics. The most accepted theory in that regarded (i.e. the theory signed and sealed by the largest number of bosses) goes as follows: "in the beginning there were the employees, and they really didn't count, you know." The insignificant employee particles (later known as negative particles) were a group of scared, light-weighted and utterly minor bits of matter which scampered aimlessly along the infinity of total chaos. Then suddenly, God made the first positive addition to the universe, which took the form of a fat, lazy and cumbersome 'Boss' particle that sat idly and did almost nothing. It was later known as the nucleus.

Since the fat lazy particle was rather slow and relaxed and didn't move around much, the chaotic –e particles found themselves inexplicably attracted to it for some odd reason, pulled by the gravity of its character maybe, and took refuge in revolving around it in an orderly fashion. Thus was how the first stable atom got created, with the insignificant light weighted employee particles later known as "electrons" (which means 'workers' or 'minions' or in ancient Greek) and did all the reactions, while the fat lazy boss particle was called "nucleus" (Central and important in Greek) and slowly revolved around itself as it supervised the highly ordered business of existence. [2]

Once that was done, the same pattern was adopted in the creation of solar systems, galaxies, and all sorts of civil service bureaus. And then, lo and behold, the Lord relaxed and watched the universe as it took care of itself ever after, only uttering as much as a divine "hmmm" from time to time whenever necessary.

edit The Role of 'The Boss'

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Some highly paid experts and devoted priests say that Bosses are essential for maintaining order in the universe . Whether this is true or just pure stinking garbage the experts came up with just to please their bosses would remain to be one of the universe's most baffling riddles.

It is arguable [3] that being a boss doesn't require any talent, yet no one can deny that it involves a lot of practice. The trick is to learn how to pick the right time for uttering the right "hmmm" when one of your employees submits his work to you. A good "hmmm" should be sufficiently guttural and decisively ambiguous. It should cover the whole range of meanings that start with "Oh, that's brilliant" to "You'd soon wish you'd never been born" simultaneously. The resulting effect on the employee should be his sudden and complete transformation from a man to a mouse, which is an interesting example of the ancient art of bureaucratic magic.

The best illustration of the role of bosses in the universe and their relation to the less significant beings (employees) was brilliantly illustrated by the theory of "Monkey Business" postulated by the Earl of Notinmyshift, who believed that the universe is a tree.

According to that theory, the bosses are the monkeys occupying the higher branches of the tree and looking down at the scenic view below, haughtily admiring the beauty and order of the universal system, while the rest of the monkeys below look upward from time to time and fail to see anything but a bunch of assholes.

edit How to deal with bosses

Knowing how to handle your boss is a matter of life and death (else you'll have to cope with all those "killer strategies" and meet all those "dead lines"). Below are some of the best tactics to use with bosses.

edit SCREW THEM

Screwing your boss is usually a most fulfilling exercise which hold almost erotic connotations . Unfortunately, it is the riskiest tactic of all.

Yet, as a famous Zoltarian bald dragon mega beast said: "Bosses are only Zoltarian bald dragon mega beasts.", or, in our case , "Bosses are only humans". [4]

The point is: bosses are at least as silly as everyone else, and you can always find out about that younger boy/girl friend the boss hangs around with. This information, coupled with the phone number/mailing address of your boss's spouse, can pave the way for a hefty bonus.

You can also benefit from the amazing fact that, despite all apparent differences, bosses usually have the same anatomical structure as normal people, and therefore are apt to get drunk, stoned, and/or very ridiculous as a result of having the proper amount of "something funny" dropped into their coffee, right before a board meeting.

The only drawback is that screwing a boss is so exceedingly tempting that once you start doing it, you could hardly stop before so many people - yourself usually included- would get screwed too.

edit Deify Them

Worship your boss. It is The most common tactic that hardly ever fails.

Some races, especially humans, have followed this tactic literally, and ended up transforming their bosses into Gods, demi-gods, kings who are revered as shadows of gods on earth, and –in short- a snobbish bunch of tyrants.

Bosses have a natural and very impressive lack of immunity against false praise. Telling your boss how his new phosphoric-green tie perfectly matches his red tweed jacket never hurt anyone, except your envious colleagues who would hurriedly and enthusiastically agree with you.

The worst result of overusing this tactic is that your boss might consider thinking about your overdose of praise for a full minute, during the first second of which he would suddenly realize what a hypocritical bastard you are, yet he would spend the remaining 59.99 seconds being impressed by the fact that even a hypocritical bastard like you can recognize a good tie when he sees one, and therefore would be forced to admire your taste and grace which, if displayed repeatedly, would get you a promotion.

edit Over-ride Them

Prudent beings often benefit from the fact that every boss has a boss. This fact is best utilized by using an amalgam of both of the above mentioned tactics. This goes as follows: deify the boss of your boss, for by doing so you'd be in a slightly better position to screw your boss. If that fails, you can always take the longer route and deify the boss of the boss of your boss, then screw the boss of your boss, and so on.

If all fails, one not very popular method remains :

edit Kill Your Boss

A quick glance at the international homicide statistics would reflect the extreme difficulties involved in this tactic. It's amazing how desperate people allover the world would rather kill friends, neighbors, colleagues, spouses, children , parents and sometimes total strangers than kill their boss!

The explanation of this phenomenon is partly related to the total unfeasibility of killing your boss. It takes an immense effort and a huge number of accomplices to kill the smallest amount of bosses. In case of humans it took no less than the whole occupants of Paris to kill one single Louis XVI . The whole population of Russia was required to eliminate one single Tsar Nicholas II. The effort, in most cases, wasn't really worth it. For in the end, there was always another boss.

A different explanation is that the core relation between people and their bosses is similar to the emotional bond between medieval prison inmates and their torturers. It's the sort of masochistic intimacy that makes the boss an indispensable pain in the ass. Maybe that's why the modern French people are such eager collectors of relics that reminds them of their old royal bosses, like, for instance, a replica of a Louis XIV chair to sit on proudly and show to friends and relatives

Philosophically, many thinkers had tried so hard to solve the bosses' problem, yet none of their suggestions ever worked. Plato, just to name one, advised a terminal solution to the problem in his famous "Utopia" by suggesting that nobody should be ever be allowed to be a boss . . unless-of course- if he was a philosopher. Obviously, no one in his right mind took him seriously.(except - of course - all his colleagues in the Athens academy of philosophy).

In later centuries. Many German thinkers had gone to far extremes in their attempts to prove that bosses aren't necessary at all. The philosopher Nietzsche went as far as saying the even the universe didn't need a boss anymore! He had spent the rest of his life trying to prove that God is Dead; an attempt which later suffered a deadly stroke when God offered a very conclusive proof that Nietzsche is dead.

Finally, in modern times, great reformers offered the amusing solution of democracy. Basically, democracy means that Instead of having a boss imposing himself on a nation, the people of the nation would willingly choose one to impose upon themselves. By doing so, people could enjoy the favorite national past time of protesting against the boss for a few years, before sending him home to mind his own business, only to go on protesting against a fresh face.

The most cheerful - though rather scary- fact is that even you can be The Boss !The most common steps to follow in order to reach the boss phase are the following : 1-Find a job (not optional) 2-Spend the most of the rest of your life deifying/screwing/over-riding your boss. 3- Presto Majesto: you're a boss!

Once that happens, you would spend the few remaining years/months/days (depending on how exhausted you are by then) of your life preventing the less significant mortals (your employees) from screwing /deifying/ over-riding you. Don't feel shy or guilty about doing so. It's just the way things go in this boss unforsaken universe.

edit References

  1. Some beings are naturally devoid of vocal cords and therefore can't say "hmmm" very well, and would rather belch, spit or fart authoritatively instead.
  2. A few innovative and very rebellious scientists have tried to break this system by splitting the atom, but we all know what a dangerous business it had turned out to be.
  3. By those who like to argue, and therefore never reach the rank of highly paid experts.
  4. It is often believed that Human bosses are not so fundamentally different from Zoltarian bald dragon mega beasts.
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