Bruce Springsteen

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“Ooh, I'd dance in his dark!.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bruce Springsteen
“Who the hell is Oscar Wilde?”
~ Bruce Springsteen on Oscar Wilde
“Springsteen is to light rock what Jesus is to man's soul.”
~ God on Bruce Springsteen
“Bruce Springsteen is the best brother a martyr could ever ask for.”
~ Jesus on Bruce Springteen
Shitsteen

Springsteen taking a dump while at a live concert in Amsterdam.

Dr. Bruce Springsteen born (with an unfortunate under bite) on January 13, 1973 in Asbury Park, North Jarklin (NJ) Australia. Renowned physicist and philanthropist, lizard, and musician, he authored the book, "String Theory and the Numeration of Music" in which he investigates how strings can be used in music. In Bloom County NJ, he is known as the "Piano Man of NJ" because of his experiments with piano penetralia.

It is said that the sales of Levi’s jeans went through the roof on the release of the Bruce Springsteen album” born in the USA” because it showed him wearing them on the cover. The truth however is far different. It was infact red nose day, and in keeping with American red nose day traditions, the Americans refused to wear red things. And in the week that followed, more people bought Levis because they weren’t red.

Most remarkably, Dr. Springsteen unwittingly got into a nationally televised Apple Pie Eating Contest with rival Musician, John Mellencamp in 1981 which spawned an ephemeral, lackluster music career. In 1984 he released the album "Is This Belt Ugly or What?" where he attempted to answer Cougar's challenge of Apple Pie consumption supremacy. Around this time, critics began to take notice of similarities between Springsteen and Bob Dylan, earning Springsteen the nickname "The Bruce Springsteen of the 80s". Dr. Springsteen has been on tour promoting "Is This Belt Ugly or What?" record since 1984 and calculates that he will break even in 2008. He plans on ending the final concert with a puppet show about math.

Bspringsteen2

Springsteen's crappy first album.

Springsteen is famous for his lengthy tours with the G-String Band, which has served as his backing band for over thirty years. It is widely recognized that without Springsteen, they would all be unemployed or possibly peddling watches on a New York City street corner. The Big Man is especially beloved by fans, possibly due to his ability to simultaneously play the saxophone and bust trusts. Although Springsteen has not recorded an album with the G-String Band since 2002, rumors persist that he will turn to his compatriates once again for his next trip into a recording studio. He plans to follow up The Seeger Sessions, his folk-themed tribute to Pete Seeger, with The Seger Sessions, a balls-to-the-wall homage to Bob Seger. Studio time for the planned third album in the trilogy is also in the process of being scheduled. The Saget Sessions will represent a turning point in Springsteen's career as he finally pays tribute to comedy legend Bob Saget.

200px-Christ Carrying the Cross 1580

Springsteen bearing the cross of light rock

It is a well known fact that Bruce Springsteen is the Jesus of adult-contemporary-medium-light rock music. He died for the souls of light-rockers everywhere, and returned again, three days after his crucifixion, to bring the grace of light rock back to our souls. Hits like "Glory days", "Dancing in the Dark" and "Born in the U.S.A" are such amazing light rock hits that a mere mortal could not have possibly created these masterpieces. It must have been the grace of God, shining through the Boss which inspired these amazingly creative melodies. We can only hope that the light of God continues to shine through his second son, Bruce Springsteen. It's not God's fault that he made Springsteen so much cooler than Jesus, he just loves him more. And who can blame him? However, being completely benevolent, Jesus doesn't hold this against his brother Bruce. Rather, he realizes what God sees as so great in the Boss, and Jesus acnowledges that he just can't compete! Nonetheless, in typical fashion, Jesus continues to bestow his brotherly love on Springsteen, his one and only true brother.

Jesus and boss

Jesus in the midst of his fav activity: private concerts from Springsteen, his brother

It is believed that the light rock god was partly responsible for the American Revolution against the British Empire. Springsteen along with Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, and John Hancock sat down on July 4, 1776, and wrote the Declaration of Independance. Contrary to popular belief, it is believed that following the "Senators Sessions", Springsteen was inspired to write the masterpiece "Born in the USA" with the help of the forefathers. Springseen was also a force on the battlefields, having single handedly defeating the British in several battles with the might of his easy listening guitar sounds, macho grunts, and passionate lyrics. The Boss was a working class hero even in those days and despite being elected to be the first president of the United States, he passed on the opportunity to work a 9-5 as a blacksmith and continue working on his music. Along with his work and music, he was the mayor of Yourhometown, N.Y. before rising to his first stint of superstardom in the 1850's. Perhaps one of Springsteens' grandest of accomplishments, along with Aberham Lincoln, the two pushed for the abolishment of slavery. Springtseen wasn't sure at first, because he traded many slaves (it was one of his hobbies), but he eventually agreed. He then proceeded to write the Dancing in the Dark in commemoration of the freed slaves. And to celebrate this glorious event, Springsteen and the G String band played an 18 hour acoustic set to a packed cottonfield in Georgia. The audience however, weren't sure what to make of such an icon, but they respected his dancing skills and honesty

Picture 3

Recently, and unprecendented discovery involving Bruce Springstein has been made in the field of archaeology. Ancient engravings depicting irresistable images of the world's most sizzling light rock star. This just in: this is the genuine pre-historic art work itself, shown in its authentic original location, on the ancient cave wall itself]]These breathtaking results lead one to believe one of three scenarious, all of which attest to the magnificent easy-listening power wielded by The Boss. The Boss may have used his super light-rocking powers to transport back through time and give the neandrathals a spark of the greatest concert ever, his. In this case, Springsteen would certainly be responsible for the invention of fire, language, reason and the wheel. Another possibility is that Springsteen is immortal, and simply inspired the caveman to draw this image 10 000 years ago, a mere moment in his life. This scenario is incredibly plausible considering Bruce's endowment with innumerable god-like qualities. The final possibility is that our caveman was himself a prophet, who saw ten thousand years into the future, fulfilling his destiny by beholding the greatest adult contemporary light-rock star who would ever walk the earth. However, this scenario is the least likely, considering this bona-fide image of our very caveman himself!

Hidden Artifacts

1973: Greetings From Ass Berry Park
1974: The Committed, The Insane, & The E Street Sanatorium!
1975: Born To Fuck
1978: Niggers On The Edge Of Town
1980: I Drowned Your Baby In The River
1982: Compton
1984: Banned In The U.S.A.
1987: Tunnel Of Love... After Dark
1992: Gross Sexual Misconduct
1992: Town Fugitive
1995: The Ghost Of JonBenet Ramsay
1995: Greatest Shits
2002: The Bulge... Rising
2005: The Devil Introduced Me To Cocaine
2006: I Shall Overcome: The San Quentin Sessions
2007: That "Special Magic"
2009: Sweet Dreams Are Made Of: Bruce Springsteen!
2012: Cock N' Balls

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