“The music these cats play touches my SOUL, and that isn't easy to do. I'm JESUS, for Christ sake.”
“The music man you know you miss the music, no pharmacutical product could ever equal the rush when the band hits that blue and the people are shoutin and swayin and the house is rocking.”
“Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ, I've seen the light!”
The Bass Line of the Blues Brothers Article
Soul. When one thinks of this word, one may think about God, or Jesus, or being holy. All of these things are wrong. The correct people to think about, ladies and germs, are the Blues Brothers. They have so much soul, that it seeps out of their pores and kicks people in the face when they walk by. Their rhythm is so catchy, when Stephen Hawking hears it, he gets the fuck out of his wheelchair and pulls off the sweetest dance moves ever seen by human eyeballs, causing the spontaneous combustion of heads, and black people to come out of nowhere and go, "SERRRRRRRVED." The Blues Brothers make dry plain white toast look good.
Black suits, black hats, suave shades. A look that catches you off guard with its simplicity, but oozes style. This look doesn't work for anyone but the Blues Brothers, however. Many have tried it before, and have been mauled by bears or devoured by an angry mob because they just couldn't pull it off. The Blues Brothers use a combination of this look and a laid back pose to add 85% to their coolness level. This look, combined with cruising in a 1974 Dodge Monaco Sedan Cop car makes the Blues Brothers the two coolest cats to ever exist.
The first time Jake blues wore sun glasses was at the age of five. After receiving a nasty letter from his school complaining about Jake's lack of eyeballs, his carer made him wear glasses. Elwood started wearing them soon after meeting them due to Jake's envious glares at his eyeballs.
Jake and Elwood Blues, the foundation and core of the band, grew up on the rough and tough streets of Chicago in an orphanage run by a giant, sentient penguin. Jake and Elwood were not born brothers, but became 'blood-brothers' by accident after cutting their fingers with a guitar string, their blood mixing while they had a grappling match to vent their rage and pain at being cut. Other accounts of their brotherhood refer to ancient rituals with roots in African religion and tribal lore, but these spurious historians are considered by most historians to have been huffing kittens. Jake and Elwood became notorious in Chicago not only for their mastery of blues music, introduced to them by the bipolar Cab Calloway, but also for the record-breaking 309 rulers broken over their heads by the Grand Penguin, a record that stands to this day. Recently unsealed Rorschach results indicate they were able to make any inkblot, even a clearly distinguishable uterus, into a ruler.
After not graduating from middle school, the brothers tried to form a detective duo, attempting to cash in on the Hardy Boys' financial (and socio-sexual) success. Their first few cases went well until they had a run-in with the Brothers Hardy, the Boxcar Children, the Hollister kids, Nancy Drew, That Guy, and a young Oscar the Grouch in a seven-way brawl that was the first pay-per-view television event. Their ensuing defeat left them so dejected that they went suit-shopping, the generally accepted form of therapy at the time, resulting in their classic look. (Few know that the black suit is a result of Jake being colorblind from a concussion during the fight.) After this watershed event, the Blues turned from good to evil, taking their clues home and converting their knowledge of criminology into a string of successful bank robberies on the South Side.
The Blues Brothers provide the world with some of the best rhythm and blues to enter the auditory canal, ricochet off the hammer (Malleus), collide with the anvil (Incus), rebound off the stirrup (Stapes), and deliver an uppercut to the ear drum that'll make it quiver and scream with ecstacy. Everybody can hum one of their most well known songs, that one song that goes "bum bum bum bum badum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum badum bum bum bum." No, it's not Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata 2nd Movement, it's the greatest song for walking ever created: Peter Gunn. The Blues Brothers tell the world about just how soulful they are in their hit song, "Soul Man." After this song was released, it became apparent to the public that the Blues Brothers were made entirely of soul. In fact, if one were to read their tag, it would read: 0% Cotton, 0% Polyester, -8% Wool, -2% Nylon, infinity% soul.
- The Briefcase Full of Blues
- Soul Out the Ass
- Blues Bluer than the Sky
- Aural Orgasms
- Harmonica Solos that Cure Disease
- The Movie Soundtrack
- The Second Movie Soundtrack