What This Story Is About
Well, howdy folks, this-here's a story about a man named Jed: a poor mountaineer; barely kept his family fed. Then one day he was a-shootin' at some food, when up from the ground come a-bubblin' crude.... Oil that is...also known as black gold or Texas Tea. Well the first thing you know, ol' Jed's a millionaire! His kin folk said, "Jed, Move away from there!" They said, "Californee is the place you oughta be!" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly... Hills, that is. Swimmin' pools, movie stars...
What This Story is Not About
This story is not about you just sitting right there, and me telling you about how I became "the Fresh Prince of Bel Air."
Wee, Doggy! Let's meet the family then, shall we?
Ol' Jed is the old fart of the show. He likes to sit by the cement pond and whittle strips of wood, and be darned if he can work out why it ain't legal to touch his daughter Elly May and his nephew Jethro inappropriately now they's-a in the big city smog. But he knows a-better then to try and poke around with ol' Granny, hehe no, sir, he knows damn well that ol' Granny's fanny has turned to silly putty, and she can squat on a newspaper and come up with Garfield on her cooter.
Jed was once married to Elly May's mom, and Jethro's mothers, cousins, first aunt twice-removed, nephews, niece's sister who was also Jed's brother's sister's daughter who was in love with the family dog but decided to get hitched to ol' Jed on a dime when he knocked her up by accident and her father who was also Jed's grandfather's daddy, well he did force 'em at gun point to get a-hitched. But Jed ended up skinnin' that bitch by-a accident one day when he was thinkin' he was a fixin' to skin a stick with his knife but it turned out it was her tiny wee iddy-bitty penis she had, and Jed figured, "well, I cuts the doodle off, no point in a-lettin' the rest go to waste" so he skinned the rest of her for "Sunday suppa".
Daisy May Moses
Daisy May, Aka: "Granny" is even older then Ol' Jed. Why, she's so old she farts dust, she does. She is also a ragin' alcoholic who brews up her own moonshine, as she reckons the city booze tastes like "sex in a canoe"... meanin' it's fucking too close to water. Yes, Sir, ol' Granny, she's a lively one, she will whoop your ass when she's in heat and you don't wanna plant any baby batter inside her hootin' fanny. Why, I seen this one time, Jethro and Jed refused to eat her special supper out of her stink-hole, and she beat the hell 'n tarnation out of both of 'em for wastin' a perfectly good skunt-roast.
Granny was also Miss Gangbang 1909, and boy God, was she even ugly back then, but don't you go a-tellin' Granny I told's you that, or else she might prepare a skunt-roast just for me and I know that the white-tailed mouse a-hidin' in Granny's hole's gettin' fatter. You know what's-a I mean? Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck... no? Well, how's about the ketchup sauce is a drippin' out's of the furry taco? Ok, hyuck hyuck, youse a-get it now!
Jethro is the smartest of the group. He's a-went to Oxford. Yes sir, he really did, and he did a mighty fine job of mowin' their lawn too. Jethro graduated the 6th grade, and he will brag to you hisself when he holds up 3 fingers and says it only took him 4 years!
Jethro is also the only member of the family to be circumcised. It happened a-when he was around 12 years of age, and he was playin' a game of "hide the cock in Elly May's mouth" when Jethro's twin sister Jethrine a-come along and kicked Elly May right square in the jaw.
Elly May Clampett
Whoo wee, wee doggy, here's the beautiful big blond bimbo who can twist your jimmys into a pretzel then body-slam you across the room, all for just tryin' to kiss her hand cause she think's your a fixin to bite her hand, hyuck, hyuck!
She loves all kinds of vermin and critters, why I reckon she's a-got more then two of every animal, it would make Moses look like a squat & gobble chicken-fucker. Elly is also a virgin, well, in the vagina that is... well, not countin' that time her daddy came home drunk and used Elly May as a contraceptive against the AIDS virus when he a-porked Miss Hathaway in the poop-shooter cause he thought she was a skinny little cow in need of a milk refill.
Friendly Folks To The Clampetts
He owns this big bank in Beverly Hills and he makes a fortune out of it. His wife is an old stick in the mud, so he often fixes to bring her to the Clampetts as a shield just in case Granny straps on a dildo or one of Elly May's pet gorillas wants to fuck somethin' in the mouth and throw poopie in their face.
She this skinny ugly-lookin' secretary of Mr. Drysdale that has twin sons. Least we think they are twins, we can't possible imagine someone fucked her twice. She really likes Jethro, even tho she's old enough to be his mother. She can often be found dressed in whips & chains with Granny teachin' her how to milk a cow... she gets there eventually, but no one has the heart to tell those crazy old kooks that they don't own a cow, it's a flamin' bull for cryin' out loud.
And the rest
There is other characters too, but we's-a don't give a purdy little fuck in Granny's mouth about tellin' you about them, nor their stupid old dog that farts fleas.
A Day In The Life Of The Clampetts
Bein' Millionaires, ya'd probably think they would use their money to settle down and retire, start a inbred family, have a deformed kid, hand him a chainsaw and tell him if he wants a new face, go chop one off some passin' stoners with a chainsaw... but nope, they be farmers at heart, so they buy a lot of cattle and breed with 'em.
They bought theirselves these 5 cows and a bull, but they couldn't get the damn bull to go and have its way with them cows. Ol' Jed, he tried everythin' to get that-there bull to mate with them cows, but nothin' a-worked. But Granny, she had knowledge that big city veterinarians would suck a president's cock and keep the stained dress for. Granny said a-what you do is, ya jam your arm inside the cow's beef curtains, and you swiggle it around until the cow is moist and the vaginal juices be a-flowin'. Then you go and wipe some of that-there juice under the bull's nose, and before you know it, he'll be a-mountin' that some-bitch like a priest on Sunday after Mass alone with an alterboy.
Surely enough, the trick worked. Ol' Mr. Drysdale, he saw this and wondered if it would work on humans, too? So he snuck up to Elly May's rooms one night, slipped in beside her while she was a-sleepin'. He reached down between her legs and got her all nice and moist then he wiped it under his nose. Within a few moments, he was harder than-a Michael Jackson watchin' Sesame Street. He shook Elly May tellin' her to wake up, he had somethin' to show her, and when Elly May awoke, she turned on the light and looked at Mr. Drysdale and she said, "You woke me up to tell's me you have a bloody nose, Mr Drysdale?"
Granny Daisy May Moses, she also knows medicine of the land, why folks come from miles around to get her natural remedies. She could cure anythin', except one thing... well, the story about that goes, when they moved to Beverly Hills, they realized there was these people called "homosacksuals" or as Granny likes to put it, "visitors to Vegemite valley" and one of them "homosacksuals" come to visit Granny and asked her if she could cure his AIDS.
Granny mixed up an elixir of prune juice, laxatives, chili sauce, hot beans, and all kinds of extra hot spicy elements and told the limp-wristed donut-puncher to drink up. He said, "Am I cured now, Granny?" she said, "No, dummy. There ain't no cure for AIDS, but when your asshole stops burnin', you'll know what your butt was really meant to be used for."
Y'all Come Back Now, Ya Hear?
Well now it's time to say goodbye to Jed and all his kin. We'd kindly like to thank you folks for kindly droppin' in. You're all invited back to this locality, to have a heapin' helpin' of their inbred hospitality. Kick your shoes, off, but don't get AIDS now, ya hear?