The Beatles

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The Beatles was an English Rock band and one of the most famous comedy routines of all time. The classic lineup consisted of John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Richard "Ringo Starr" Starkey.

History

Origins

Our story begins with young art students Len Johnson and Paul McSpaniels on the top deck of a Liverpool bus. The two young lads found they were united in their love of skiffle, a crude musical style devised by English songster Donnie Lonegan, and named after a Liverpool night out.

The two were sharing a Woodbine when somebody spoke, and they went into a dream. It was the morose, juvenile George Harrassedone, distinguished for his ability to play something on guitar that sounded like the Shadows. The two recognized someone they could pick on, and the dream of a top pop band was born. Quickly, they recruited good-looking Pete Best, who owned a drum-kit and whose mum owned a van.

Before settling on the name that made them famous, the combo performed in many of their front rooms under a variety of names, including The Clay Men, Johnny and The Moptops, The Silver Bullets, The Big Three, The Fab Four and The Slaughterhouse Five, but their break came when, by fantastic chance, they won a residency at the local Cotton Club, owned by Pete's mum. Their radio broadcasts rocked Liverpool, and they immediately embarked on a major tour of a street in Hamburg.

There it was that, surrounded by sailors and prostitutes, The Beatles looked on in shock as a drunken Stu Sutcliffe appeared naked on stage to make his epoch-making speech "Ich bin ein Hamburger". Living in a toilet and playing fourteen-hour shifts, the band fast became a killer rhythm section that smelled. Sometimes, they would perform for days on end simply because their confused brain hormones convinced them that the footsweat that glued them to the stage was confortable. As the weeks went by and their money slowly faded away, they melted into their audience, participating in their bar fights. When they finally sobered up, they found that Bingo Seuss had replaced Pete Worst as their drummer. Inspired by Buck Cherry and Huddy Bolly, they began to experiment with writing songs that sounded like Buck Cherry and Huddy Bolly.

Back in Liverpool, furniture salesman Brian Epstein was impressed by a young fan who entered his premises demanding "My Bunny", a German record by local heroes "The Bootless". "This is a furniture shop, idiot!" quipped Brian. Within hours he was at the Cotton Club, assuring the young hopefuls that their total sales of 10,000 guaranteed fame and that he would be their manager.

In 1962, Einstein and The Beatles went to Parlorphone's George Martin. Maplin agreed to sign the band.

First Singles and First Album

Their first single, "Do Me, Love", earned them a disappointing Number 18, or 17 depending who you pay, in the British charts, as well as a £50 obscenity fine. They were on their way to jump off a cliff when Brian Epstein came up with a cunning plan to save the day. He said, "Wait, what if we---what if we were to release another one that's good?" They wrote "Please Slurp Me", a thinly disguised plea for consensual favours that was an instant chart-topper in Britain, or else number 2, depending who pays you.

In 1963, The Beatles recorded their first album, The Bizarre Acts of Id, which contained all of the songs they recorded that weren't released as singles, leading to poor reception and the general vibe of "every song sounds the same." Two notable exceptions to this are the songs "I Saw Her Standing There" and "Twist and Shout", which according to Jack and Percy are both about the same encounter with an attractive woman in a club.

Second Album

Later in 1963, The Beatless recorded a second album, It's Those Blokes Again!. This was the same as the first, except different songs, obviously, and the piano was further forward in the mix. It replaced its predecessor at the top, just as every Bartles single replaced its predecessor at the top. The band showed its vast versatility in its command of popular idioms in successive singles thus; swing beat, twist beat, twist beat, swing beat, twist beat, swing beat, twist beat. At that stage, however, Jag Mekon, who had always thought they did his songs too fast, started doing them slower.

Somewhere Over the Pond

While that happened, though, "I Want to be in your band" went to number one Stateside, pursued by its subtly lyrical predecessor, "She Loves You But I'll Get You". Previously the group had failed there, their successive releases leased to a variety of minor players. Now, suddenly, the Billgates chart looked like this;

1) The Beatles: Mein Bunny (Mockingbird)

2) The Beatles: Komm, Lass' mich kuss' dein Fuss" (Crapitall)

3) The Beatles: B side of the above (Verve Folkways)

4) The Beatles: B side of the above (Bankrupt Records)

5) The Beatles: Sie Liebt Dich, Ich Werde Dich Bekommen Aber (Deutsche Grammophon)

6) The Beatles: Slurp Me, Love (Hank's Hardware)

7) The Beatles: B side of the above (Shark)

8) The Beatles: Please Love Me (Turkey)

9) Frank Sumatra and Doris Dayglo; Aren't We Great!!?? (Reprehensible)

10 Annette Funicello: (I'm A) Sex Machine (Columbine)

Business interests released their albums with completely different titles in America, "Meet the Mopheads" was released as "Beat the Mopheads" and "Please Please Me" was released as "The Beatles' Second Album, or maybe the Third". It didn't go down well. In 1964 the Beatles agreed to appear on "The Ed Sullivan Show" and rocked the history books as being the most watched band of the 1960s. That night, the Ed Sullivan Show had the most viewers of its entire run (guesstimates are around ten or twelve people, we're not really sure).

Moving Pictures and Being Hectic

Original beatles

A performance on The Ed Sullivan Show goes terribly wrong.

Later that year a director named Mark Lester asked to make a movie about the band based on one of their sketches. The movie was called A Hard-on a Night and was about a twenty-five hours a day, eight days a week account of being in a band, and fab and gear and loveable and funny. The boys did it as Lester had also been in "The Ying Tong Song" and he knew Pete's mum. The movie only lasted an hour and a half and therefore didn't really fulfill its objective, but the title song had a guitar chord and also a guitar solo that couldn't really be done. Also, the urgent complaining of the tough sardonic was this time complemented by the soaring melodic gift of McCutesie. The soundtrack album was the only 100% Lemon/McCranberry release, and was pretty d.g. so long as you did not play the other side except for the two makeweight B sides, which were just as good. The Bobtails were film-stars. Lenin found he could be nasty to everyone and they liked it.

Their next album, called Beatles for Sale! was weaker in that, around this time, The Beatles were in a hectic lifestyle and had to expand their usual twenty-five hours into twenty-seven hours, without sleeping. In order to do this, they had to clone themselves to go on a world tour. They never got around to cloning Ringo so they used a completely different drummer. This annoyed Imelda Magoo and her shoes so they went home, especially George. So we don't talk about Beatles for Sale, and nobody is really sure if the right tracks were on it.

However, Jan Laminate always identified the album as the turning-point when he started getting real and also wore a cap. The commonly-held belief that that did not happen for another two albums is an optical illusion caused by the way the records were released in the USA, he said. He'd got a folkie guitar, and done the song "I'm a Fat Elvis", which was a cry from the heart. Stung by the idea that The Kinks, Stones and Yardbirds were heavier, he had started to slow it down and grunge it up a bit. But all they'd had otherwise was a couple of ill-rehearsed reject singles, a few cook-ups and 12-bars and an afternoonsworth of Hamburg cover-versions.

The next day Mark Lester contacted them again to make a movie about a twenty-five hours a day account of being in a band. They later learned that he had contracted amnesia so they agreed to it but asked that it would be filmed in colour and have a jolly plot. The movie was later titled YELP! after the working title Four Hardons to Surprise You was rejected for being too long.

The film was definitely not as good, but the album was good on both sides. Still somewhat lightweight, still sporting a couple of cover-versions, though one was only Dumbo's song and the other was an urgent complaining of the tough sardonic as done famously in "Shake and Scream". There were also a few fab waxings - and they speeded up John Rotten's heartfelt song again - but it was nevertheless unquestionably good, and he also did a more obviously Dylan Thomas thing, except with flutes: "I've Got to Love Your Hideaway" is now identified as about holidays in Spain, though only by gays, obviously. Hari G emerged as a writer, though he could not do singles properly yet. The only thing that McWhatsit did was "Yesterday".

Experimental Stage

Beatles odd

The Retard Phase.

Their next two albums, Stoned Soul Picnic and Revolving Room (Bad Trip), moved the band fully into a more experimental stage. This was because they stopped touring, especially George, and started instead with---uh---recreational---uh---activities. In an interview Jon said "We're bigger than Elvis!" The entire population of America was in an outrage because they believed Elvis was extremely fat and Jim was an amateur. Jeff apologized and said Elvis was fatter really, and nobody was saying who was best. As it happens, the comment had totally overshadowed another controversy where Jack had stated that Elvis was fatter than Jesus. Nobody believed him. During a second apology, which was scheduled just for good measure, Jacob casually insulted monks, but quickly apologized for that comment as well so as not to start another controversy. However, the preceding months of outrage and what they had to show to The Beatles regarding the power of words did not prevent John from making a joke about amphetamines during a ceremony where the four members were awarded the Silver Heart badge. Still, they stopped touring, and started recording at the rate of a song a day, as opposed to an album an hour.

Beatlestm

Chatting with the Maharishi over tea following a stellar afternoon's shopping in Harvey Nicks.

Critics, fans, critical fans, and the occasional douchebag-on-campus agree that The Beatles were at their best during the "middlish-end" of either the 1960s or their career; ironically, the only thing they do not agree on is how to measure the awesomeness of an artist's oeuvre (French for "Here's my essay, Mr. Carmichael!").

One notable example of The Beatles being at the height of their hype is the song "Today is Omniscient" from the album Revolving Room, which was the first song to be recorded, the last track on the album, and the song that took the longest to record.

It all began late in the winter of 1965-1966, back when Revolving Door was being conceptualized or whatever. In February, Jonah came up with a new way to pass the time on long weekends when musical work wasn't being done. He would consume some LSD and begin a one-to-two-hour walk from the recording studio to the book store and back. He called these adventures "acid trip trips", confusing later historians due to the introduction of DOI, also known as "trips" or "super-LSD" to the English street scene. These historians later quit their jobs and decided to do DOI, causing their lives to be ruined; they spent the rest of their otherwise successful lives in dark alleys, partaking in questionable activities for financial gain. Most of them died of strokes or heart attacks; there are currently two cases of historian-suicide.

One day in March, Lenny decided to go to the book store for once. In the book store, Lebanon perused several books, including the Necronomicon and A Clockwork Orange. Despite being on acid at the time, Learning selected the least strange book on the shelf, The Will of Yog-Sothoth: A Grimoire Containing Spells for the Summoning of Zombies, Based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead. While reading The Will of Yog-Sothoth, Lineman came across a list of enchantments and philosophical words that he went on to adapt into the lyrics to "Today is Omniscient". The Beatles spent the better part of April recording the song, constantly mixing in whatever they wanted to. John briefly took the helm in production, suggesting to the overlings innovative recording methods, most of which were rejected for being extremely dangerous. Finally, as the recording studio saw the end of April, John threw causion to the wind and plugged his microphone into an amplifier meant for synthesizers. This caused a power surge in the building, forcing fellow bands of the studio to record their songs acoustic while The Beatles got all the electricity. John recorded the last verse, stanza, and list of enchantments with his voice distorted by the microphone effect, and voila, The Beatles had completed the recording of "Today is Omniscient".

Freedom in the studio let the group craft the music of their 1967 album "Corporal Punishment's Lonely Heart Bypass". Their album was the first example of a "concept album" and contained "songs". Unfortunately it was the wrong concept for the songs. Here's why:

Joel Laban had completed a load of Liverpool songs. One which they had already recorded was about how the world ended when he smoked a Woodbine going to school, another, which they had not done yet, was about having nothing to do except walk around Liverpool and watch telly, while a third was about being up a tree and not knowing how to get down, which they had done twice and fixed together with tape. And he nearly had one for Bengo.

Meanwhile McCrabtree had one about a fireman in a barber's shop and another called "Will You Divorce Me When I'm 64?". Geordie made it clear he would only do Indian stuff and Bonko could not think of anything at all. A single was needed and the only credible things that were ready were the one about the tree and the one about the fireman. So they put that out and bang went their concept. To put proverbial salt on the proverbial wound, The Beatles ended up recording hundreds of songs for the album, some of which were improvised, and the songs that are always said to be "truly good" have never been released. In order to reduce an otherwise months-long experience into an about hour-long album, the weaker songs were hidden amongst the stronger ones in cracks and grooves almost too small for the needle to hit. As such, these weak songs were almost never heard, and with the advent of the compact disk, these songs were almost lost to time, until it was discovered that they were already on iTunes. But long before iTunes existed, Monty Python stole this idea from The Beatles and made it better for their album, mainly because Graham Chapman was an Outer God.

Cleverly, McCarefree wrote the one about the Corporal, and somebody said do it twice and it will still sound conceptual. "It's not bloody going after my one about the world ending," said Jug, and, not to be outdone, wrote one about a circus and did that with tapes too. And so it was. A marvel of production, the biggest seller ever, but not as good. The Beatles were at the top of their game, standing on the edge of a cliff, staring down into the abyss that was and still is...

Fame.

A Passage to India

One day while waiting for his spoonful of salted acid-blunt to melt, it was George's idea to visit the Maharishi Chicken Korma Yogurt Taxi Driver Man in India and the other Beatles agreed. The Maharishi was the head leader of an Indian tea/curry meditation association of hypnosis. However, it was here that they learned the tragic news: Brandon Einstein had died of syphilis. The Beatles were crushed. The good news is that the tea wasn't that bad, and the curry was absolutely fantastic. But the Gulab Jamun gave them something bad. That's what you get for eating something you can't pronounce.

This tragedy was echoed in their panned TV film This Was All Paul's Idea Anyway, which was about running away from a London bus named Desire. After realizing that this would be a stupid premise but the money had already been spent on production, The Beatles rewrote the script by running it through a shredder and dumping the shredded pieces of paper onto a large pile of glue. Everyone involved in production was too grossed-out to touch the script and see the revisions, so as a last resort, The Beatles consumed the remaining four energy pills from Hamburg that they had been saving for almost ten years in case something like this happened to them, hoping the pills would make them good improvisers.

The following four weeks were a blur. Under the illusion that drugs made them good actors, The Beatles spent a month binging out on anything they could find, from the slimmest blunt to the biggest rock. YELP! was famous for The Beatles being high throughout; This Was All Paul's Idea Anyway was famous for The Beatles being completely depersonalized throughout. As production continued, the plot of the movie slowly faded away until the movie was reducded to several bus scenes containing shots of that were held for too long that were almost completely unrelated to the rest of the movie, which consisted of The Beatles pulling pranks and being smartasses in general mixed in with psychedelic landscape shots. After realizing that their latest movie made no sense whatsoever, The Beatles got through the following month without doing any drugs. They wrote a new script that contained subtle elements related to the bus instead of putting the bus in the spotlight, shifting their focus to a journey to a faraway hill in which is buried "all the secrets of life and death" and the inclusion of a few songs from their latest album, Mystical Magihood Hour. At the end of the film, The Beatles finally arrive at the hill, but before they can dig up The Secrets, the guy who drives the bus gets drunk and runs over Paul with the bus; Paul is cursed to guard The Secrets forever as the Fool on the Hill.

During the winter of 1967-1968, it became clear, first in the studio, then to the rest of the world, that The Beatles were letting fame get to them, forcing them to make idiots of themselves on their album and in their movie. But it was just one album; it was just one movie. The Beatles knew they could improve themselves. They had to bail before they got anywhere near that shark. In doing so, they learned that pussying out is okay sometimes. They learned to control their egoes.

Drawing a Blank

1968 saw the double album that the band decided to call The Blank Album. Like Corporeal Hearts, The White Album contained hundreds of songs. These songs were written in late 1967 when The Beatles went to India. Most of these songs were inspired by the members' experiences in India, such as Joshua's song "Dear Prudish" being inspired by a fellow pilgrim's attempt to purge all pain within herself by meditating, or Peter's song "Let's Have Sex in the Middle of the Road" being inspired by the sight of two monkeys fucking.

Around this time, tired of getting shafted by all the greedy record companies, they decided to form their own company founded upon their highest ideals that would attract young, untarnished talent to the industry so at last they could be the ones doing the shafting instead, though only for tax purposes. They christened this famous company Apple Cores, and began at once selling computers and portable music playing devices.

Winding Down

Abbey road

The Beatles on the Abbey Road Communal Treadmill®

The Beatles were always the kind to get into arguments, but they began to bicker more often after Bridon's death. Bartholomew kept The Beatles together by giving them good advice, anice cold beer, and the occasional wanking. Without these fine essentials being given to them on a silver platter, The Beatles became increasingly crankish. They actually had to do things themselves for once.

In 1967, John met a Japanese avant-gartist named Yoko Ono at a cheap art show, and they decided to get married straight away. Yoko contributed to an altogether sense of togetherness between the members of the band, until they stopped doing drugs and realized that she was irritating. Pal, Gordon, and Rupert wanted Yuri to stop attending recording sessions, but James insisted she attend. He even got her to sing in one song.

This led to the Beatles becoming heralded as an "alternative" cult phenomenon. However, many critics have considered them to be lacking genuine talent, relying on shocking their audience with bursts of noise which are of little aesthetic value and opportunistically riding the coat-tails of Yamiyuki and others.

1968 was a transitional year for The Beatles. The release of The Opaque Album was met with rave reviews, until Charles Manson and his cult of super-meanies got their dirty little hands on the album and a bongful of ether, producing a prophecy foretelling a war between white people and black people. Many years later, The Black Album was released by Metallica, and even later by Jay-Z, implying to some conspiracy theorists that the black people will win the race war. In July, The Beatles conceptualized their next album, Let It Be. The project went on undeveloped for several weeks as pivotal events took place. Jet went back on his promise and was introduced to the wonderful world of heroin. In August, Joseph was arrested for possession of heroin. The other Beatles replaced him with a black guy named Billy Preston. Billy was almost as annoying as Yolo, but the others kept him in the band because they liked his keyboard playing. The five of them wrote seven songs for Let It Be from September to November, and they bailed Jam out of jail in December.

In January 1969, The Beatles were reunited, and production of Letter B was in full swing. The now six-piece band wrote seven more songs, and recorded songs that Java had written in jail. Yonder left the band to pursue less coherent art, and Bingy began to keep to himself more. About a fortnight into the year, The Beatles got to the studio's roof for their famous Rooftop Concert, their final live performance, a great way to say good-bye to their fans before disbanding. They performed songs from Yellow Pee, filling the streets of London with beautiful music. Buddy played the keyboards hidden amongst a pile of broken amplifiers. Yolanda just stood there watching them perform. The concert went on for about an hour. Some stupid fucks on the opposite side of town from the studio filed noise complaints to the police, who eventually found the band performing on the rooftop. They were nice enough to let them perform one more song before arresting them all.

In March, The Beatles were released from jail. Yoko felt so free, she decided to leave the others behind in the dust, so John ran away after her. Recording sessions for Mellow Flea resumed, as John and Yoko recorded their own album under the name The Polyurethane Band. In May, John returned to the studio to help with production. Elbow Knee was completed in June, but the band shelved it after a nasty fight caused them to part ways.

In August, a bored Paul arranged another Beatles reunion album, Abbey Road. The Beatles reunited in September. Billy moved to America, and The Beatles by no means wanted to go there until they sorted out their plans for the future, so they decided not to try and find him. Yoko no longer attended recording sessions; Paul, George, and Ringo were relieved. John kept in touch with Yoko, but got closer to the other Beatles. In October and November, John, Paul, George, and Ringo recorded new songs peacefully and had a lot of fun together frolicking in the sunshine. In December, Abbey Road was completed and released.

The sixties were over. A whole new decade of possibilities was opened up to The Beatles, but the high level of bickering at the time implied that band unity would not survive the seventies. In order to distract the listeners from the beautiful ending of the oeuvre long enough to add just a little bit more music, The Beatles released Let It Be. The movie of the same name was released a few months later, grossing $500. The spring of 1970 saw empty theater rooms playing the movie. The Beatles were reunited in their arguments, and they were ready to record another album, but they couldn't conceptualize anything, plus they were quite bored with each other, so they decided to break up, finding the end of Abbey Road to be a satisfying end to their Beatlehood. In February, John left the band to record more stupid albums with Yoko. In March, George left the band to fade into obscurity in India. In April, "The Beatles" ended. Feeling squeamish and needing some mental flushing, Ringo went to Switzerland to relax for a year or two. On April 10, Paul left the band. On April 15, Paul announced the official breakup of The Beatles, the best band ever. Then on January 9, 1975, some legal shit happened.

1970s

After going their separate ways, The Beatles could not wait to record all of the songs they had written in the 1960s but never got the chance to record.

John remained in The Polyurethane Band until 1973, and didn't release a solo album until 1971. In 1974, after recording an album with Paul, John got into a fight with Yoko, and they broke up for a year, during which John dated some other annoying Asian chick and made an album whose central theme was dreams. In 1975, John and Yoko were reunited, and they made one more album before settling down to raise a family in New York City. From 1975 to 1979, John and Yoko kept to themselves. John decided to write a musical, and recorded demos of the songs he wrote for the musical.

Paul made his first solo album in 1970. In 1971, Paul formed the band Wings. In 1974, Paul recorded an album with John; it was never released. In 1975, Wings broke up, and Paul settled down in Scotland, making a new album every year or so.

George returned from his pilgrimage in 1971, claiming to be "changed". He never talked about any personal developments, he just said he was "changed". Although George had thousands of songs to record, he did not find himself very defined as a solo artist, so he just joined The Polyurethane Band and played guitar on some of John's songs until he finally found inspiration and began his solo career. In 1977, George was finally ready to start recording, but he was immediately distracted by the new movie Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, then got involved in the production of Monty Python's Life of Brian. George did not make any solo albums in the 1970s.

Ringo was relieved of all stress by 1972, when he returned to England and made his first solo album, which sucked. In 1973, Ringo made another album, which sucked less. Throughout the 1970s, Ringo made more albums with increasing quality and decreasing sales.

1980s

The 1980s were quite pivotal for The Beatles, quite pivotal indeed.

It all started in January 1980. John was excited for the 1980s. He was ready for another chance at success now that he had finsished writing his musical, but he decided to shelve it until he got enough money to put it on Broadway. And what better way to get a shitload of money really fast than to make an album? It had been five years since he made his last album, and he was finally ready to make another one. Of course, Yoko joined. This new album, titled Double Vision, was released in November. At first, everybody hated it, but then Mark Chapman killed John, so everybody loved it.

Paul was shocked by John's death. In 1981, Paul made an album about John. But then he got over it, and continued making regular albums.

George was also shocked by John's death. In 1981, George also made an album about John. But then he also got over it, and continued making regular albums as well.

Ringo was also shocked by John's death, but he did not make an album about John. He just stopped recording and touring for a few years.

1990s

In the 1990s, The Beatles reformed. Unfortunately, John could not attend recording sessions, being dead and all, but the three living Beatles tried many methods of bringing him back, if only briefly. They could not summon him as a zombie, as his body had been cremated. They performed a seance to summon his ghost, bearing no answer. As a last resort, as they simply could not play without John, they politely asked Yoko for the demos John recorded in the seventies. Yoko gave them the tapes and trusted them with them. Paul, George, and Ringo put the tapes to decent use, recording fully-instrumented versions of the songs "Free FREE Free" and "Limerence". These tracks were later included in the Anthology albums.

"Everyone But Paul Is Dead"

main article: Paul Is Alive
Dooooom

The Beatles, shortly after the rumours of Paul McCartney's nondeath started circulating.

Before the group broke up, a fateful telephone call was made to an obscure Minneapolis radio station. A scientist informed shocked DJ's that a subliminal message in the group's albums revealed that everyone but Paul is dead. Earlier everybody thought Paul was the one dead, but they weren't sure and didn't know why. The news sent shockwaves through the world music community. Everybody was very confused.

Ringo was the first to go. The first to go. because in 1963, on the cover of Without the Beatles, Ringo's face is clearly not in line with those of his fabulous bandmates. On the cover of the A Hard On's Night EP, George is the only one with his back to the camera in any of the pictures, and he's the only one holding a cigarette. It's believed only George was distinguished on these covers because whatever entity was responsible for placing the clues decided the group's young fans might have trouble figuring out which pair of Beatles had died; John & Paul, or George & Ringo. On the cover of the Yelp! album, the Beatles hold their arms in semaphore positions, but rather than spelling Y-E-L-P as one might expect, it spells H-E-L-P? That meant an untimely death had befallen John and he had been replaced. In "I'm Looking Through You", Paul sings of the state of his friends and coworkers: "You don't look different, but you have changed...You don't sound different, I've learned the game/I'm looking through you, you're not the same."

Post Sgt. Lt. Pepper's work distinguishes Paul as the only surviving original member. One of the many figures on the cover of that album holds a hand over Paul's head, as if to bless him, and on the reverse, he is shown with his back to the camera.

All The Beatles fans were actually brainwashed into believing Paul was dead (they believe he was squashed as he roamed the town in this superhero beatle form), but the scientist showed proof, all was finally understood.

Then another scientist examined these claims and discovered that it was all a hoax.

2000s

The new millenium saw George with serious problems. He was stabbed in the face by one of our historians, who had DOI in his system at the time. George had been diagnosed with throat cancer from smoking too much weed, and after the attack, he also had brain cancer.

In January, George was shot in the leg by another historian.

In February, George got bonked on the head with blue ice.

In March, George got on fire.

In April, George died. April Fool!

In May, George got better.

In November, during a walk around the countryside, George encountered a horse that kicked him in the testicles, causing him to fall into the middle of the road, where he was run over by a drunk driver. George dragged himself into the nearest hospital, which proved to be his final resting place. Family and friends, including Paul and Ringo, gathered around him as he shared final words of wisdom. Then he died.

Then the rest of the 2000s happened.

2010s

As it happens, Ringo doesn't do anything anymore. Paul does too many things. {As of January 31, 2013.}

Beatles Elf

The Beatles' album "Elf" was made one night after a lot of drinks at a London bar.

MusicalAbbeyRoad

(From left to right) The Grave Digger, the Corpse, the Preacher and God (on Abbey Road, aka Mac OSX Dock)

Did You Know?

  • Ringo Starr was the only Beatle to have a double chin. The other Beatles didn't eat. The last time McCartney ate was in 1958 when he had a fish, hence the famous song "Can't Buy Me Cod".
  • Recent statistical analysis by an MIT PhD reveals that at one point in 1966 The Beatles actually were 43% more popular than Jesus.
  • All of the Beatles music was influenced by the little known North Manchesterford combo called Oasis. 'Without Oasis, there would be no Beatles' Paul was once overheard saying in a haze.
  • George was the son of a certain Hairy Harry, who was the son of Harry's son.
  • Lennon’s real name was Johnny Bender, which he changed after going on holiday to Spain with manager Brian Epstein, as people might have got the wrong impression.
  • Paul McCartney’s real name was James Paul McKnickers, which suited him perfectly, as the subject of women’s underwear was constantly on his mind, and he was usually found thinking about them, trying to get into them, pulling them down, trying them on, and often wore them under his Beatle suit.
  • The 'Walrus' was actually Starr. This was a great insult to walruses.
  • Yoko Ono was once fired as a stripper, because she was overheard saying "Me so horny! Me so horny! Yoko love you long time for 75 mirrion dorrar".
  • Two Beatles haven't been stabbed or shot, even though Heather Mills tried her best.
  • The Beatles were a leading force in the British Colonization of Black Music, in which blacks were enslaved and forced to give up the 12-bar blues and instead write artsy "pop-rock" songs for white men (such as The Beatles) for little or no money.
  • Bob Dylan was introduced to hard drugs by The Beatles, and has never looked back in anger, preferring instead to get stoned with EVERYBODY, by force if necessary.
  • On the set of A Hard Day's Night, John Lennon pressed his cheeks up against Ringo Starr's face and released a wet sounding fart. Ringo was obviously upset, and in turn, silenty released a fart of his own, waving it toward John. Upon smelling this, John was quoted as saying "Touche' Ringo"
  • Ringo Starr was replaced by an orangutan from 1963 to 1968. Nobody noticed. They were busy looking at John to see if it really was John... or a walrus. No one knows for sure.
  • Apple Corps created picture books (for children. DUH!) out of photos of The Insects, but with child-friendly captions added, eg 'John and Paul play with each other', 'Ringo plays with himself', 'John gives Paul love', 'George is doing it', etc., etc., etc.
  • The Beatles were once regarded as Satan worshippers, with the release of their songs, "Lucifer in the Sky with Demons" and "I am the Reaper". This myth was disregarded as yet another drug trip song.
  • There really was no such band as the Beatles. Every single person in the 1960's was on some kind of drug and the Beatles just existed collectively in everybody's minds.
  • In Soviet Russia, The Beatles first single to be released was called, "Healthy Soviet Hand Wants to Hold You!"
  • On the picture where The Beatles were walking down Abbey Road, Paul McCartney wasn't out of step, John George and Ringo were.
  • Ringo once collected tea cosies, this was revealed after a raid of his apartment in 1964. Ringo's home page is : [1]
  • The Beatles never went to Soviet Russia twice, hence the song "Back in the U.S.S.R." is just another fucked up clue to Paul being dead.
  • In the 60's when the Beatles were almost popular, two teenage girls tried to handcuff themselves to The Beatles Limousine. They ended up attaching themselves to a car full of 3 very confused South Koreans and Yoko Ono.
  • Ringo Starr actually wrote all of the Beatles songs, he was just never credited for it for example : "A Hard Days Ringo" and "Yesteringo!", also the less well known song, "Ringo Ringo Rosies"
  • Elvis was Paul McCartney's mother in a Michelin man suit.

The Beatles' USSR #1 Singles

Beatles
  • Do Me, Love / P.S. I Love Your boyfriend (October 5 1962)
  • From Me To You to the Next Person / Thanks for Nothing (1963)
  • She Loves Him, Not You / I'll Get You Wasted (1963)
  • I Want To Hold Your Cash/ Oops... This Boy Is Underage* (1963) *Copyright now owned by Michael Jackson
  • I Want To Huff Your Cat / That Guy (1963)
  • Can't Buy Me Love (Unless I Win the Lottery) / You Can Do That (But Only in Tijuana) (1964)
  • Can't Buy Me Legs / Can't Buy Me Divorce (1963) - re-released (2006)
  • A Hard On's Night / Things We Smoked Today (1964)
  • I Feel Fuckin' Sick / He's A Woman (1964)
  • Ticked Off My Bride / No It Isn't (1965)
  • Another One Bites the Dust / No, We Didn't Kill Paul (1965)
  • Fuck! / I'm Up and Down (I'm on a Seesaw) (1965)
  • We Can't Work It Out / Gay Stripper (Censored as Hey Skipper) (1965)
  • Yesterday (I Lost It) / Jack Naturally (and Prone) (1965)
  • Ten Days A Week / Got To Get You Off My Life Insurance Policy (1966)
  • Shitty Crack Fighter / Thunderstorm (1966)
  • Eleanor "Aussie Rules" Rugby / Yellow Tambourine (1966)
  • Strawberry soup for never / Penis Lane(1967)
  • Lucy and this guy with lots of jewellery on/ When I sex for tea (1967)
  • All You Need is Lunch / Maybe You're A Witch, Man (1967)
  • Hello, Fuck Off / I Am The Waitress (1967)
  • Help! My Appendix Just Burst / Ringo HAS A TINY DICK, i a i a ooo! (1965)
  • In Soviet Russia, Ur asSeS aRe Back in YOU! / Everybody's Got A Monkey To Hide Except Me.
  • Hey! You've Got to Hide Your Gay Away / We'll Have to Hide Our Love Away
  • Lady, My Donut! / The Inner Bite (1968)
  • Hang Jews (w/ The Black Panthers f/ KKKramer!) (1970)
  • AAAAAAAA! / AAAAAA! (AAA, oh, oh, uh, o yeah, deeper, oh, oh , again!!!!)
  • Back in the You Ass Ass Are / While Captain Picard Gently Weeps (1968)
  • Back in the U.S.S.R. (NOT RUSSIA!!) / While My Didgeridoo Gently Weeps (1968)
  • I Am the Walrus (1970)
  • Lt. Oregano's very many friends in a musical group with hearts/With no help from friends (cause Ringo doesn't have any)/A Day with your wife
Let It Be
  • Revolution 393.7 / Why Don't We Do It in the Road? (1968) (No kidding, it's an actual song...)
  • Get Crack / Don't Put Me Down (I'm Not a Bloody Dog) (1969)
  • The salad of John and Yoko"fuck this bitch who made the Beatles separate" Ono / and why the heck don't we ever cut our hair!??! 1969)
  • Some Other Thing / Come Alone (1969)
  • Hey, We Look Different?! / John's hair reached his ass!!!!! (1970)
  • Leave It To Beaver / Gee Golly Mrs. Cleaver, Is Beaver The Walrus? (1970)
  • Leave It Be / You Don't Know My Number (Look Up The Name) (1970)
  • The Long and Winding Shortcut / For You Foo'! (w/ Mr. T) (1970)
  • The Long and Winding Chode (1970)
  • Across the Tune Is Worse / The Two of Us Crammed a Lot of Filler on This Album (1970)
  • Pouring Scorn / Scoring Porn! (w/ Yoko) (1970)
  • Rape and Back Bite Her / Tribute to Marv Albert (w/ Bob Crane) (The 90's?!)
  • Helter Schmelter / Got to get some pot
  • With no help at all from my "friends"/ I want to fuck your dog

UK Album Discography

WTBcover

the album that kinda, sorta, but not really started it all...

  1. Please Please Yourself (I Love Watching You do It) (1963)
  2. Within the Beatles Without the Beatles (1963)
  3. A Hard On's Night (1964)
  4. Clowns For Sale (1964)
  5. Shit! (1965)
  6. Rubbeer Bollocks (1965)
  7. BB Gun (1966)
  8. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely I ♥ Huckabees Club Band (1967)
  9. Tragical Hystery Tour (1967)
  10. Ringo Needs Some Money (1967)
  11. The White Supremacy Album (1968)
  12. Abbey Street West (1969)
  13. Let It Bleed
  14. Anthropology I-LXXX (1994)
  15. Lt. Dan's Lonely Hearts Club Thing Remix Extravaganza (1995)
  16. Two (2000)
  17. Let It Bleed... Explicit Sexual Content Version (2003)
  18. Hate (Beatles Album) (2006)
  19. The blood red album See also We turned into vampires and have come to suck your cock blood (2010)
  20. The bleak album(2010)

Ps.: I Hate You, errr, I mean, during the year 1970, the Beatles fell in love with themselves and picked the album Revolver, originally from 1966, and released it 12 times, one each month, just to have free cocktail parties off EMI's ass more often. Them album sold a record number of 11 copies (on each month) and failed to reach 12th because Ringo's mom lost her pennies on a trip to China where she hoped to buy some crystal meth.

US Album Discography

BTMcover

the album that kinda, sorta, but not really started it all...

  1. The Beatles do Wing (2003)
  2. Savage Auld Beatles (1812)
  3. BBC Lessons(1822)
  4. Have You Heard About The Beatles Lately? (1964)
  5. Beat the Meatles! (an unnoticed typo) (1964)
  6. The Beatles' Second/Third Album (1964)
  7. A Hard On's Fight (1964)
  8. Something Borrowed (1964)
  9. The Beatles' One Year Story (1964)
  10. Beatles Year Two, Album Either IX, X, or XI: '65 (1965)
  11. The Beatles of Two Years Ago Before Capitol Would Release Us (1965)
  12. Damn! (1965)
  13. Rubbers Bollocks (1965)
  14. Yesterday, Tomorrow... And Today... And The Day Everybody But Paul Died (1966)
  15. Handgun (1966)
  16. Sgt. Lt. Pepper's Only Lonely Hearts Club Bandana (1967)
  17. Sgt. Pepper's Finger Lickin' Chickin Stand (1967)
  18. Dr. Pepper's Tastey Beverage Can (1967.5)
  19. Magical Hysterectomy Tour (1967)
  20. - (Finally A Shorter Album Name) (1968)
  21. Yellow Submachine (1969)
  22. Abby Street West (1969)
  23. Hey Jew (1970)
  24. Leave It Be (1970)
  25. The Beatles Meet K*I*S*S* While K*I*S*S* Is Already En Route To Meeting The Phantom Of The Park But They Decide To All Watch J*A*G* And M*A*S*H* Instead (1970)
  26. Ringo Needs Some Money (1982)
  27. Anthropology I-LXXX (1995)
  28. Anthropology LXXXI - The sounds of Ringo scraping the bottom of a barrel (1997)
  29. Leave It Be... Nude Version (2003)
  30. Hate (2006)
  31. Twist and Die (An album about Paul and Ringo's coming of age, and deteriorating joints) (2007)
  32. Paul's Dead- songs include: (Paul's Not Dead)
  33. About Time To Dig Through The Beatles' Seemingly Endless Back Catalogue And Shit Out Another Special Edition Album, Right? (1988-present)

Kuwait Album Discography

  1. Wednesday Morning, 3 A.M. (1964)
  2. Sounds of Silence (album)|Sounds of Silence (1966)
  3. Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme (1966)
  4. Bookends (1968)
  5. Bridge over Troubled Water (1970)

Filmography

HARDON

the movie that kinda, sorta, but not really started it all...

  • A Hard On's Night (1964)
  • Help Yourself, Loser! (1965)
  • Help! 2: Electric Boogaloo (1966)
  • Tragical History Whore And How This Was All Paul's Idea Anyway p.s. cause he's dead man (1967)
  • Yellow Tambourine (voiced by imperfect clones) (1968)
  • The Beatles meet Namor the Sub-mariner (1969)
  • Let us Pee (1970)
  • Stoned (2005)
  • The Beatles: One Night in Paris (Video footage from the famous 1967 concert) (2006)
  • The Long and Winding Abbey Road & Apple Get Back off my Frog (2006)

Upcoming Films

  • We Told You Royalty Stole Our Ideas (2008) (pre-production)
  • The Beatles: A Night at the Roxbury (2009) (complete but will be release as "The Homeless: A Night with Michael Jackson)
  • One Virgin: Yoko's Story (2009) (announced)
  • A Disgrace of Percussion: The True Feat Unconquered (2010) (announced)
  • Gigli
  • The Beatles: Rattle Your Jewelry Up There (2012) (Royal Documentary)

Reunion

The Beatles made a come back tour with Paul, Justin Beiber and two unidentified musicians.

See also

Beatlesfan

External links

   v  d  e
The Beatles
John Lennon | Sir Paul McCartney | Sir Pete Best | George Harrison | Ringo Starr | The Fifth Beatle | Sir Yoko Ono
Albums
Thank Thank You (1962) | A Hard Gay's Night (1964) | Beatles For Sail (1964) | Hell! (1965) | Revolter (1966) | Revolver (1966) | Sgt. Lt. Pepper's Only Lonely Hearts Club Bandana (1967) | Ringo Needs Some Money (1967) | Tragical Mystery Tour (1967) | The Beatles: Ecological Number Ones (1968) | The White Album (1968) | Yellow Sub Machine (1969) | Crabby Road (1969) | Let It Be (1970)
Related articles
Beatlefication | Beatlemania | The Beatles In India | British Invasion | Liverpool | Paul is dead | McCartneyism | The Revolution: A history | Maxwell Edison | BBC | Beatles About | The Beatles Tribute Band | Mark David Chapman | UnNews:John Lennon denied resurrection for fourth time | The Rutles
Notable Songs
Back in the U.S.S.R. | Hey Jude | I Am the Walrus | Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds | Why?:Don't we do it in the road? |
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