The Beatles

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[[Image:Band_logo.jpg|thumb|right|250px|The first prototype for a band logo created by [[dyslexic]] Ringo.]]
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'''The Beatles''' were an English comedy/rock band spawned from [[Liverpool]]. Their classic lineup consisted of three [[gods]] of music: John Lennon, Paul McCartney, and George Harrison, plus some dude named [[Ringo Starr|Ringo]] who was their session drummer. They released many successful pop songs throughout the 1960s. And if you can remember the '60s, you're too old to be on the Internet.
   
'''The Beatles''' was an English Rock band and one of the most famous comedy routines of all time. The classic lineup consisted of John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Richard "Ringo Starr" Starkey.
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Lots of girls would throw their knickers at them while they performed on-stage, yet nobody knows how they managed to get them off in the crowd. The group was quite successful, though musically they were in the shadows of Kerman's Kermits and the Dave Clark Five. They are often seen as an [[Oasis]] tribute band, capturing similar looks to that of Noel Gallagher and Liam Gallagher.
   
== History ==
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==History==
=== Origins ===
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===Background===
Our story begins with young art students Len Johnson and Paul McSpaniels on the top deck of a Liverpool bus. The two young lads found they were united in their love of "skiffle", a crude musical style devised by English songster Donnie Lonegan, and named after a Liverpool night out.
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Our story begins with two young art students [[John Lennon]] and [[Paul McCartney]] on the top deck of a [[Liverpool]] bus. The two lads found they were united in their love of skiffle, a crude musical style devised by English songster Donnie Lonegan, and named after a Liverpool night out.
   
The two were sharing a Woodbine when somebody spoke, and they went into a dream. It was the morose, juvenile George Harrassedone, distinguished for his ability to play something on guitar that sounded like the Shadows. The two recognized someone they could pick on, and the dream of a top pop band was born. Quickly, they recruited good-looking Pete Best, who owned a drum-kit and whose mum owned a van.
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The two were sharing a Woodbine when somebody spoke, and they went into a dream. It was the morose, juvenile [[George Harrison]], distinguished for his ability to play something on guitar that sounded like The Shadows. The two recognized someone they could pick on, and the dream of a top pop band was born. Quickly, they recruited good-looking drummer [[Pete Best]] and shady bassist Stu Sutcliffe to round out their lineup.
   
Before settling on the name that made them famous, the combo performed in many of their front rooms under a variety of names, including The Clay Men, Johnny and The Moptops, The Silver Bullets, The Big Three, The Fab Four and The Slaughterhouse Five, but their break came when, by fantastic chance, they won a residency at the local Cotton Club, owned by Pete's mum. Their radio broadcasts rocked Liverpool, and they immediately embarked on a major tour of a street in Hamburg.
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Before settling on the name that made them famous, the five performed in many of their front rooms under a variety of names, including The Clay Men, Johnny and The Moptops, The Silver Bullets, The Big Three, The Fab Four and The Slaughterhouse Five. But their break came when, by fantastic chance, they won a residency at the local Cotton Club, owned by Pete's mum. Their radio broadcasts rocked Liverpool, and they immediately embarked on a major tour of a street in Hamburg.
   
There it was that, surrounded by sailors and prostitutes, The Beatles looked on in shock as a drunken Stu Sutcliffe appeared naked on stage to make his epoch-making speech "Ich bin ein Hamburger". Living in a toilet and playing fourteen-hour shifts, the band fast became a killer rhythm section that smelled. Sometimes, they would perform for days on end simply because their confused brain hormones convinced them that the footsweat that glued them to the stage was confortable. As the weeks went by and their money slowly faded away, they melted into their audience, participating in their bar fights. When they finally sobered up, they found that Bingo Seuss had replaced Pete Worst as their drummer. Inspired by Buck Cherry and Huddy Bolly, they began to experiment with writing songs that sounded like Buck Cherry and Huddy Bolly.
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There it was that, surrounded by sailors and prostitutes, The Beatles looked on in shock as a drunken Stu Sutcliffe appeared naked on stage to make his epoch-making speech ''Ich bin ein Hamburger''. Playing fourteen-hour shifts whilst sweating heavily, the band fast became a killer rhythm section that smelled. Sometimes, they would perform for days on end simply because their confused teen hormones convinced them that the footsweat that glued them to the stage was comfortable.
   
Back in Liverpool, furniture salesman Brian Epstein was impressed by a young fan who entered his premises demanding "My Bunny", a German record by local heroes "The Bootless". "This is a furniture shop, idiot!" quipped Brian. Within hours he was at the Cotton Club, assuring the young hopefuls that their total sales of 10,000 guaranteed fame and that he would be their manager.
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As the weeks went by and their money slowly faded away, The Beatles melted into their audience, participating in their bar fights. When they finally sobered up, they found that [[Ringo Starr]] had replaced Pete Worst as their drummer. Inspired by Chuck Berry and [[Buddy Holly]], they began to experiment with writing songs that copied Chuck Berry and Buddy Holly.
   
In 1962, Einstein and The Beatles went to Parlorphone's George Martin. Maplin agreed to sign the band.
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Back in Liverpool, furniture salesman Brian Epstein was impressed by a young fan who entered his premises demanding "My Bunny", a German record by local heroes "The Bootless". "This is a furniture shop, idiot!" quipped Brian. Within hours he was at the Cotton Club, assuring the young hopefuls that their total sales of 10,000 guaranteed fame and that he would be their manager.
   
===First Singles and First Album===
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===1962–66: "Red" years, Beatlemania, teenybopper phase===
Their first single, "Do Me, Love", earned them a disappointing Number 18, or 17 depending who you pay, in the British charts, as well as a £50 obscenity fine. They were on their way to jump off a cliff when Brian Epstein came up with a cunning plan to save the day. He said, "Wait, what if we---what if we were to release another one that's good?" They wrote "Please Slurp Me", a thinly disguised plea for consensual favours that was an instant chart-topper in Britain, or else number 2, depending who pays you.
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====First singles, ''Thank Thank You'', and ''Without the Beatles''====
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In 1962, Epstein signed The Beatles onto Parlorphone Records. Their first single, "Do Me, Love", earned them a disappointing #18, or #17 depending on who you pay, in the ''Barmy British 100'' charts, as well as a £50 obscenity fine. This was followed shortly by "Please Slurp Me", a thinly disguised plea for consensual favours that was an instant chart-topper in Britain, or else #2, depending on who pays you.
   
In 1963, The Beatles recorded their first album, ''The Bizarre Acts of Id'', which contained all of the songs they recorded that weren't released as singles, leading to poor reception and the general vibe of "every song sounds the same." Two notable exceptions to this are the songs "I Saw Her Standing There" and "Twist and Shout", which according to Jack and Percy are both about the same encounter with an attractive woman in a club.
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In 1963, The Beatles recorded their first album, ''Thank Thank You''. It contained all of the songs they recorded that weren't released as singles, leading to poor reception and the general vibe of "every song sounds the same." Two notable exceptions to this are the songs "I Saw Her Standing There" and "Twist and Shout", which according to Lennon and McCartney are about the same encounter with an attractive woman in a club.
   
===Second Album===
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Later in 1963, The Beatless recorded a second album, ''Without the Beatles''. This was the same as the first, except different songs, obviously, and the piano was mixed up a bit. The band showed its versatility in its command of popular idioms in successive singles thus; swing beat, twist beat, twist beat, swing beat, twist beat, swing beat, twist beat. At this point, Lennon, who had always thought The Beatles recorded his songs too fast, started doing them slower.
Later in 1963, The Beatless recorded a second album, ''It's Those Blokes Again!''. This was the same as the first, except different songs, obviously, and the piano was further forward in the mix. It replaced its predecessor at the top, just as every Bartles single replaced its predecessor at the top. The band showed its vast versatility in its command of popular idioms in successive singles thus; swing beat, twist beat, twist beat, swing beat, twist beat, swing beat, twist beat. At that stage, however, Jag Mekon, who had always thought they did his songs too fast, started doing them slower.
 
   
===Somewhere Over the Pond===
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The accompanying single, "I Wanna Steal Your Man", went to #1 in the [[United States]], pursued by its subtly lyrical predecessor, "She Loves You But I'll Get You". This was the beginning of The Beatles hitting America.
While that happened, though, "I Want to be in your band" went to number one Stateside, pursued by its subtly lyrical predecessor, "She Loves You But I'll Get You". Previously the group had failed there, their successive releases leased to a variety of minor players. Now, suddenly, the Billgates chart looked like this;
 
   
1) The Beatles: Mein Bunny (Mockingbird)
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Due to business interests, Capitol Records released their albums completely re-configured in America. ''Without the Beatles'' was released as ''Meet the Mopheads'' and ''Thank Thank You'' was released as ''The Beatles' Second Album, or Maybe the Third''. At the time, fans didn't know any better, but when they did, they were quite upset.
   
2) The Beatles: Komm, Lass' mich kuss' dein Fuss" (Crapitall)
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In 1964, The Beatles appeared on ''The Ed Sullivan Show'' and rocked the history books, becoming the most-watched band on television of the 1960s. That night, ''The Ed Sullivan Show'' also had the most viewers of its entire run (guesstimates are around ten or twelve people, we're not really sure).
   
3) The Beatles: B side of the above (Verve Folkways)
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====''A Hard Night's Day'', ''Beatles for Sail'', and ''Yelp!''====
 
4) The Beatles: B side of the above (Bankrupt Records)
 
 
5) The Beatles: Sie Liebt Dich, Ich Werde Dich Bekommen Aber (Deutsche Grammophon)
 
 
6) The Beatles: Slurp Me, Love (Hank's Hardware)
 
 
7) The Beatles: B side of the above (Shark)
 
 
8) The Beatles: Please Love Me (Turkey)
 
 
9) Frank Sumatra and Doris Dayglo; Aren't We Great!!?? (Reprehensible)
 
 
10 Annette Funicello: (I'm A) Sex Machine (Columbine)
 
 
Business interests released their albums with completely different titles in America, "Meet the Mopheads" was released as "Beat the Mopheads" and "Please Please Me" was released as "The Beatles' Second Album, or maybe the Third". It didn't go down well. In 1964 the Beatles agreed to appear on "The Ed Sullivan Show" and rocked the history books as being the most watched band of the 1960s. That night, the Ed Sullivan Show had the most viewers of its entire run (guesstimates are around ten or twelve people, we're not really sure).
 
 
===Moving Pictures and Being Hectic===
 
 
[[Image:Original beatles.jpg|thumb|A performance on ''The Ed Sullivan Show'' goes terribly wrong.]]
 
[[Image:Original beatles.jpg|thumb|A performance on ''The Ed Sullivan Show'' goes terribly wrong.]]
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Later that year a director named Mark Lester asked to make a movie about the band based on one of their sketches. The movie was called ''A Hard-on a Night'' and was about a twenty-five hours a day, eight days a week account of being in a band, and fab and gear and lovable and funny. The boys did it as Lester had also been in "The Ying Tong Song" and he knew Pete's mum. The movie only lasted an hour and a half and therefore didn't really fulfill its objective, but the title song had a guitar chord and also a guitar solo that couldn't really be done. Also, the urgent complaining of the tough sardonic was this time complimented by the soaring melodic gift of McCutesie. The soundtrack album was the only 100% Lemon/McCranberry release. The Bobtails were film stars. Lenin found he could be nasty to everyone and they liked it.
   
Later that year a director named Mark Lester asked to make a movie about the band based on one of their sketches. The movie was called ''A Hard-on a Night'' and was about a twenty-five hours a day, eight days a week account of being in a band, and fab and gear and loveable and funny. The boys did it as Lester had also been in "The Ying Tong Song" and he knew Pete's mum. The movie only lasted an hour and a half and therefore didn't really fulfill its objective, but the title song had a guitar chord and also a guitar solo that couldn't really be done. Also, the urgent complaining of the tough sardonic was this time complemented by the soaring melodic gift of McCutesie. The soundtrack album was the only 100% Lemon/McCranberry release, and was pretty d.g. so long as you did not play the other side except for the two makeweight B sides, which were just as good. The Bobtails were film-stars. Lenin found he could be nasty to everyone and they liked it.
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Their next album, called ''Beatles for Sail'' was weaker in that, around this time, The Beatles were in a hectic lifestyle and had to expand their usual twenty-five hours into twenty-seven hours, without sleeping. In order to do this, they had to clone themselves to go on a world tour. They never got around to cloning Ringo so they used a completely different drummer. This annoyed Imelda Magoo and her shoes so they went home, especially George. So we don't talk about ''Beatles for Sale'', and nobody is really sure if the right tracks were on it.
 
Their next album, called ''Beatles for Sale!'' was weaker in that, around this time, The Beatles were in a hectic lifestyle and had to expand their usual twenty-five hours into twenty-seven hours, without sleeping. In order to do this, they had to clone themselves to go on a world tour. They never got around to cloning Ringo so they used a completely different drummer. This annoyed Imelda Magoo and her shoes so they went home, especially George. So we don't talk about ''Beatles for Sale'', and nobody is really sure if the right tracks were on it.
 
   
 
However, Jan Laminate always identified the album as the turning-point when he started getting real and also wore a cap. The commonly-held belief that that did not happen for another two albums is an optical illusion caused by the way the records were released in the USA, he said. He'd got a folkie guitar, and done the song "I'm a Fat Elvis", which was a cry from the heart. Stung by the idea that [[The Kinks]], [[Rolling Stones|Stones]] and [[The Yardbirds|Yardbirds]] were heavier, he had started to slow it down and grunge it up a bit. But all they'd had otherwise was a couple of ill-rehearsed reject singles, a few cook-ups and 12-bars and an afternoonsworth of Hamburg cover-versions.
 
However, Jan Laminate always identified the album as the turning-point when he started getting real and also wore a cap. The commonly-held belief that that did not happen for another two albums is an optical illusion caused by the way the records were released in the USA, he said. He'd got a folkie guitar, and done the song "I'm a Fat Elvis", which was a cry from the heart. Stung by the idea that [[The Kinks]], [[Rolling Stones|Stones]] and [[The Yardbirds|Yardbirds]] were heavier, he had started to slow it down and grunge it up a bit. But all they'd had otherwise was a couple of ill-rehearsed reject singles, a few cook-ups and 12-bars and an afternoonsworth of Hamburg cover-versions.
   
The next day Mark Lester contacted them again to make a movie about a twenty-five hours a day account of being in a band. They later learned that he had contracted amnesia so they agreed to it but asked that it would be filmed in colour and have a jolly plot. The movie was later titled ''YELP!'' after the working title ''Four Hardons to Surprise You'' was rejected for being too long.
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The next day, Mark Lester contacted them again to do the movie ''Yelp!'', a twenty-four hour account of the struggles of being in a band. The film was simply too campy, but the album was good on both sides. Still somewhat lightweight, still sporting a couple of cover-versions, but only ''one'' Ringo song! There were also a few fab waxings - and they speeded up John Rotten's heartfelt song again - but it was nevertheless unquestionably good, and he also did a more obviously Dylan Thomas thing, except with flutes: "I've Got to Love Your Hideaway" is now identified as about holidays in Spain, though only by gays, obviously. Hari G emerged as a writer, though he could not do singles properly yet. The only thing that McCartney did was "Yesterday".
   
The film was definitely not as good, but the album was good on both sides. Still somewhat lightweight, still sporting a couple of cover-versions, though one was only Dumbo's song and the other was an urgent complaining of the tough sardonic as done famously in "Shake and Scream". There were also a few fab waxings - and they speeded up John Rotten's heartfelt song again - but it was nevertheless unquestionably good, and he also did a more obviously Dylan Thomas thing, except with flutes: "I've Got to Love Your Hideaway" is now identified as about holidays in Spain, though only by gays, obviously. Hari G emerged as a writer, though he could not do singles properly yet. The only thing that McWhatsit did was "Yesterday".
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====''Steel Funk'', ''Revolver'', "Bigger Than Elvis", and "Paul Is Dead"====
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[[Image:Beatles_odd.jpg|right|thumb|200px|The Beatles in their "stoned phase".]]
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The Beatles' next album, ''[[Steel Funk]]'', saw the band moving into a more experimental stage. This all began in the chilly October of 1965, when Lennon came up with a new way to pass the time on long weekends when he was on break. He would consume some [[LSD]] and begin a one-to-two-hour walk from the recording studio to the book store and back, calling these adventures "acid trip trips". This led to a stream of inspiration for the songs on ''Steel Funk''.
   
===Experimental Stage===
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In April 1966, Lennon went to the book store and purchased several books, including the ''Necronomicon'' and ''A Clockwork Orange''. Despite being on acid at the time, Lennon selected the least strange book on the shelf, ''The Will of Yog-Sothoth: A Grimoire Containing Spells for the Summoning of Zombies, Based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead''. While reading ''The Will of Yog-Sothoth'', Lineman came across a list of enchantments and philosophical words that he went on to adapt into the lyrics to "Tomorrow Never Comes", featured on their next album ''[[Revolver]]''.
   
[[Image:Beatles_odd.jpg|right|thumb|200px|The Retard Phase.]]
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While recording the song, John threw causion to the wind and plugged his microphone into an amplifier meant for synthesizers. This caused a power surge in the building, forcing fellow bands of the studio to record their songs acoustic while The Beatles got all the electricity. John recorded the last verse, stanza, and list of enchantments with his voice distorted by the microphone effect. Viola, a ground-breaking song.
   
Their next two albums, ''Stoned Soul Picnic'' and ''Revolving Room (Bad Trip)'', moved the band fully into a more experimental stage. This was because they stopped touring, especially George, and started instead with---uh---recreational---uh---activities. In an interview Jon said "We're bigger than Elvis!" The entire population of [[America]] was in an [[outrage]] because they believed Elvis was extremely fat and Jim was an amateur. Jeff apologized and said Elvis was fatter really, and nobody was saying who was best. As it happens, the comment had totally overshadowed another controversy where Jack had stated that Elvis was fatter than [[Jesus]]. Nobody believed him. During a second apology, which was scheduled just for good measure, Jacob casually insulted monks, but quickly apologized for that comment as well so as not to start another controversy. However, the preceding months of outrage and what they had to show to The Beatles regarding the power of words did not prevent John from making a joke about amphetamines during a ceremony where the four members were awarded the Silver Heart badge. Still, they stopped touring, and started recording at the rate of a song a day, as opposed to an album an hour.
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Critics, fans, and critical fans alike agree that The Beatles were at their creative peak during the mid-1960s duo of ''Steel Funk'' and ''Revolver''. Ironically, the only thing they do not agree on is how to measure the awesomeness of an artist's oeuvre (French for "Here's my essay, Mr. Carmichael!").
   
[[Image:Beatlestm.jpg|right|thumb|200px|Chatting with the Maharishi over tea following a stellar afternoon's shopping in Harvey Nicks.]]
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In an August 1966 interview, Lennon said "We're bigger than Elvis!" The entire population of [[America]] was in an [[outrage]], since Elvis was extremely fat, much mores than The Beatles. Lennon apologized and said Elvis "was fatter really", and he was just letting his ego get to him. However, the outrage did not prevent John from making another joke about how The Beatles were "bigger than Jesus", forcing them to stop touring, and start recording one song per day, as opposed to an album an hour.
   
Critics, fans, critical fans, and the occasional douchebag-on-campus agree that The Beatles were at their best during the "middlish-end" of either the 1960s or their career; ironically, the only thing they do not agree on is how to measure the awesomeness of an artist's oeuvre (French for "Here's my essay, Mr. Carmichael!").
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On 9 November 1966, John met a Japanese avant-gartist named Yoko Ono at a cheap art show, and they decided to get married straight away. At first, Yoko contributed to an altogether sense of togetherness between the members of the band, but she would soon lead to the band breaking up.
   
One notable example of The Beatles being at the height of their hype is the song "Today is Omniscient" from the album ''Revolving Room'', which was the first song to be recorded, the last track on the album, and the song that took the longest to record.
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Also coincidentally (or not?) on that day, McCartney, after an argument during a Beatles' recording session, angrily stormed off to a taxi. When the fangirl who was driving the taxi realized who her passenger was, she squealed with joy and crashed the taxi, injuring McCartney. Thanks to the Beatles' immense popularity, this relatively minor incident ballooned rather quickly; informal polls showed that in winter 1966, many fans were convinced that The Beatles had replaced Paul with William Campbell, the winner of a McCartney look-alike contest. Others accused [[John Lennon]] of hijacking an [[Royal Air Force|RAF]] fighter and crashing it into Paul's taxi in the hopes of taking his co-lead singer status in the band.
   
It all began late in the winter of 1965-1966, back when ''Revolving Door'' was being conceptualized or whatever. In February, Jonah came up with a new way to pass the time on long weekends when musical work wasn't being done. He would consume some LSD and begin a one-to-two-hour walk from the recording studio to the book store and back. He called these adventures "acid trip trips", confusing later historians due to the introduction of DOI, also known as "trips" or "super-LSD" to the English street scene. These historians later quit their jobs and decided to do DOI, causing their lives to be ruined; they spent the rest of their otherwise successful lives in dark alleys, partaking in questionable activities for financial gain. Most of them died of strokes or heart attacks; there are currently two cases of historian-suicide.
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Despite all this silly business, Paul was ''alive'', and the controversy quickly subsided. It would return in a few years, however.
   
One day in March, Lenny decided to go to the book store for once. In the book store, Lebanon perused several books, including the ''Necronomicon'' and ''A Clockwork Orange''. Despite being on acid at the time, Learning selected the least strange book on the shelf, ''The Will of Yog-Sothoth: A Grimoire Containing Spells for the Summoning of Zombies, Based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead''. While reading ''The Will of Yog-Sothoth'', Lineman came across a list of enchantments and philosophical words that he went on to adapt into the lyrics to "Today is Omniscient". The Beatles spent the better part of April recording the song, constantly mixing in whatever they wanted to. John briefly took the helm in production, suggesting to the overlings innovative recording methods, most of which were rejected for being extremely dangerous. Finally, as the recording studio saw the end of April, John threw causion to the wind and plugged his microphone into an amplifier meant for synthesizers. This caused a power surge in the building, forcing fellow bands of the studio to record their songs acoustic while The Beatles got all the electricity. John recorded the last verse, stanza, and list of enchantments with his voice distorted by the microphone effect, and voila, The Beatles had completed the recording of "Today is Omniscient".
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===1967–70: "Blue" years, inflated egos, hippie phase===
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====''Corporal Salt's Only Hearts Club Bandana''====
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Not having to tour allowed The Beatles more time for other...uh, [[Drugs|recreational activities]]. These "activities" were vital in crafting the music of their 1967 album ''Corporal Salt's Only Hearts Club Bandana''. This album was the first ever example of a "concept album" that contained "songs". Unfortunately, the material binding the concept together was not particularly strong. Lennon's song, "Good Morning Good Morning", was a load of slapped-together nonsense about how the world ended when he smoked a Woodbine going to school. McCartney's song, "When I'm 64", was a chintzy popped-up nursery rhyme. George's song, "Within You Without You", was [[Bollywood]] fluff that only he seemed to like. And Ringo couldn't think of anything at all.
   
Freedom in the studio let the group craft the music of their [[1967]] album "Corporal Punishment's Lonely Heart Bypass". Their album was the first example of a "concept album" and contained "songs". Unfortunately it was the wrong concept for the songs. Here's why:
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To make matters worse, "Penny Lane" and "Strawberry Fields Forever", widely considered two of the best songs from the sessions, were released as singles and not included on the song. Luckily, McCartney decided to stop writing granny shit and banged out two great songs: the title track and "A Day in the Life". The album was opened and bookended with these two songs, respectively, in order to give the illusion that it was "da best album ever!!1111" and not some mediocre psychedelia. Lennon also suggested McCartney do a reprise of the title track near the end to make the album "sound conceptual", and so he did.
   
Joel Laban had completed a load of Liverpool songs. One which they had already recorded was about how the world ended when he smoked a Woodbine going to school, another, which they had not done yet, was about having nothing to do except walk around Liverpool and watch telly, while a third was about being up a tree and not knowing how to get down, which they had done twice and fixed together with tape. And he nearly had one for Bengo.
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And so here it was, ''Corporal Salt's Only Hearts Club Bandana''. A marvel of production, the best-selling album of all-time, ranked #1 by ''[[Rolling Stone]]''—yet somehow, overrated and not as consistent as ''Steel Funk'' or ''Revolver''. Still, The Beatles were at the top of their game, standing on the edge of a cliff, staring down into the abyss that was and still is...
 
Meanwhile McCrabtree had one about a fireman in a barber's shop and another called "Will You Divorce Me When I'm 64?". Geordie made it clear he would only do Indian stuff and Bonko could not think of anything at all. A single was needed and the only credible things that were ready were the one about the tree and the one about the fireman. So they put that out and bang went their concept. To put proverbial salt on the proverbial wound, The Beatles ended up recording hundreds of songs for the album, some of which were improvised, and the songs that are always said to be "truly good" have never been released. In order to reduce an otherwise months-long experience into an about hour-long album, the weaker songs were hidden amongst the stronger ones in cracks and grooves almost too small for the needle to hit. As such, these weak songs were almost never heard, and with the advent of the compact disk, these songs were almost lost to time, until it was discovered that they were already on iTunes. But long before iTunes existed, Monty Python stole this idea from The Beatles and made it better for their album, mainly because Graham Chapman was an Outer God.
 
 
Cleverly, McCarefree wrote the one about the Corporal, and somebody said do it twice and it will still sound conceptual. "It's not bloody going after my one about the world ending," said Jug, and, not to be outdone, wrote one about a circus and did that with tapes too. And so it was. A marvel of production, the biggest seller ever, but not as good. The Beatles were at the top of their game, standing on the edge of a cliff, staring down into the abyss that was and still is...
 
   
 
Fame.
 
Fame.
   
===A Passage to India===
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====''Tragical Mystery Tour'', ''The Blank Album'', and ''Yellow Tambourine''====
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[[Image:Beatlestm.jpg|right|thumb|220px|The Beatles chatting with the Maharishi over tea following a stellar afternoon's shopping in Harvey Nicks.]]
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In 1967, The Beatles visited the Maharishi Man in [[Beatles In India|India]]. The Maharishi was the head leader of an Indian tea/curry meditation association of hypnosis. However, the meeting was quickly cut short by tragic news that their manager, Brian Einstein, had died of syphilis. The good news is that the tea wasn't that bad, and the curry was absolutely fantastic. But the Gulab Jamun gave them something bad. That's what you get for eating something you can't pronounce.
   
One day while waiting for his spoonful of salted acid-blunt to melt, it was George's idea to visit the Maharishi Chicken Korma Yogurt Taxi Driver Man in [[Beatles In India|India]] and the other Beatles agreed. The Maharishi was the head leader of an Indian tea/curry meditation association of hypnosis. However, it was here that they learned the tragic news: Brandon Einstein had died of syphilis. The Beatles were crushed. The good news is that the tea wasn't that bad, and the curry was absolutely fantastic. But the Gulab Jamun gave them something bad. That's what you get for eating something you can't pronounce.
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This tragedy was echoed in their newest album ''[[Tragical Mystery Tour]]''. Under the illusion that drugs made them good songwriters, The Beatles spent a month binging out on anything they could find, from the slimmest blunt to the biggest rock. Surprisingly, the resulting album was quite good; perhaps one of their best. The accompanying TV movie, however, was dismal, consisting mostly of The Beatles pulling pranks and being smartasses mixed in with psychedelic landscape shots.
   
This tragedy was echoed in their panned TV film ''This Was All Paul's Idea Anyway'', which was about running away from a [[London]] [[bus]] named Desire. After realizing that this would be a stupid premise but the money had already been spent on production, The Beatles rewrote the script by running it through a shredder and dumping the shredded pieces of paper onto a large pile of glue. Everyone involved in production was too grossed-out to touch the script and see the revisions, so as a last resort, The Beatles consumed the remaining four energy pills from Hamburg that they had been saving for almost ten years in case something like this happened to them, hoping the pills would make them good improvisers.
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During the winter of 1967–68, it became clear to The Beatles that fame was going to their heads. They had to squeeze out some remaining good material before they got jumped the shark. In 1968, they released a double-album that they had decided to call ''[[White Album|The Blank Album]]''. Unlike every Beatles album before, ''The Blank Album'' contained hundreds of songs, each of wildly varying quality. These songs were written in 1967 when the band went to India, and were inspired by their LSD trips while there.
   
The following four weeks were a blur. Under the illusion that drugs made them good actors, The Beatles spent a month binging out on anything they could find, from the slimmest blunt to the biggest rock. ''YELP!'' was famous for The Beatles being high throughout; ''This Was All Paul's Idea Anyway'' was famous for The Beatles being completely depersonalized throughout. As production continued, the plot of the movie slowly faded away until the movie was reducded to several bus scenes containing shots of that were held for too long that were almost completely unrelated to the rest of the movie, which consisted of The Beatles pulling pranks and being smartasses in general mixed in with psychedelic landscape shots. After realizing that their latest movie made no sense whatsoever, The Beatles got through the following month without doing any drugs. They wrote a new script that contained subtle elements related to the bus instead of putting the bus in the spotlight, shifting their focus to a journey to a faraway hill in which is buried "all the secrets of life and death" and the inclusion of a few songs from their latest album, ''Mystical Magihood Hour''. At the end of the film, The Beatles finally arrive at the hill, but before they can dig up The Secrets, the guy who drives the bus gets drunk and runs over Paul with the bus; Paul is cursed to guard The Secrets forever as the Fool on the Hill.
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The release of ''The White Album'' was met with rave reviews, until [[Charles Manson]] and his cult of super-meanies got their dirty little hands on the album and a bongful of ether, producing a prophecy foretelling a war between white people and black people. Many years later, ''The Black Album'' was released by [[Metallica]], and even later by [[Jay-Z]], implying to some conspiracy theorists that the black people will win the race war.
   
During the winter of 1967-1968, it became clear, first in the studio, then to the rest of the world, that The Beatles were letting fame get to them, forcing them to make idiots of themselves on their album and in their movie. But it was just one album; it was just one movie. The Beatles knew they could improve themselves. They had to bail before they got anywhere near that shark. In doing so, they learned that pussying out is okay sometimes. They learned to control their egoes.
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Around this time, The Beatles, tired of being shafted by greedy executives, decided to abandon their record label Parlophone and form their own label called Apple Cores (not to be confused with [[Apple Inc.]]). It founded upon ideals that would attract young, untarnished talent to the industry so at last they could be the ones doing the shafting instead, though only for tax purposes.
   
===Drawing a Blank===
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====<s>''Get Back''</s>, ''Abbey Road'', "Everyone But Paul Is Alive", ''Let It Be'', and break-up====
  +
[[Image:abbey road.gif|thumb|left|200px|The Beatles on the Abbey Road Communal Treadmill®.]]
  +
By this point, The Beatles had finished their gradual metamorphosis from four dynamic and creative friends from Liverpool into feuding, greedy businessmen with overblown egos. They were always the kind to get into arguments, but they began to bicker more often after Epstein's death. Brian kept them together by giving them good advice, a nice cold beer, and the occasional [[Penis|ego]]-stroking. Without these fine essentials being given to them, The Beatles became increasingly crankish.
   
1968 saw the double album that the band decided to call [[White Album|''The Blank Album'']]. Like ''Corporeal Hearts'', ''The White Album'' contained hundreds of songs. These songs were written in late 1967 when The Beatles went to India. Most of these songs were inspired by the members' experiences in India, such as Joshua's song "Dear Prudish" being inspired by a fellow pilgrim's attempt to purge all pain within herself by meditating, or Peter's song "Let's Have Sex in the Middle of the Road" being inspired by the sight of two monkeys fucking.
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Tensions also ramped up between John and the rest of the band. John had become increasingly obsessed with his wife Yoko, and even got her to sing on one track of ''The White Album'', much to the band's dismay. The other three Beatles stopped doing drugs and realized that Yoko was irritating, and wanted her to stop attending recording sessions, but John didn't listen.
   
Around this time, tired of getting shafted by all the greedy record companies, they decided to form a their own company founded upon their highest ideals that would attract young, untarnished talent to the industry so at last they could be the ones doing the shafting instead, though only for tax purposes. They christened this famous company Apple Cores, and began at once selling computers and portable music playing devices.
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In January–February 1969, The Beatles worked on their next album, ''Get Back''. John was arrested for possession of heroin, and was replaced by a black guy named Billy Preston who could sure play the [[organ]] real funky. The band wrote and recorded several songs for ''Get Back'', including ones John had written while in jail. To promote the album, The Beatles got to the studio's roof for their famous Rooftop Concert, their final live performance.The concert went on for about an hour before some idiots on the opposite side of town from the studio filed noise complaints to the police, who eventually found the band performing on the rooftop and arrested them.
   
===Winding Down===
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On 22 February, The Beatles were released from jail. The ''Get Back'' sessions had left an awful taste in their mouths, so they shelved the album to work on a better one titled ''[[Abbey Road]]''. Yoko no longer attended recording sessions; Paul, George, and Ringo were relieved. In September, after a nasty fight with the rest of the band, Lennon parted ways with The Beatles and ran off with Yoko to record their own album under the name The Polyurethane Oh No Ono Band. Finally, in December, ''Abbey Road'' was released to rave reviews.
[[Image:abbey road.gif|left|frame|Paul and the boys on the Abbey Road Communal Treadmill®]]
 
In [[1968]] Johnny met [[Hitler]]'s half-[[Japan]]ese daughter named Okie Nono Hitler at a cheap art show and they decided to get married straight away. They divorced days later and John married [[Yoko Ono|Yokel Onion]]. She contributed to an altogether sense of togetherness between the members of the band who enjoyed playing games with her. This all eventually backfired when Ringo was suffocated when the fab four were engaged in a dirty hide and seek romp with Yokel under a big white sheet (she farted), captured live on film during an interview in 1968 and only increasing the notoriety of [[Yoko Ono|Yokel Onion]] who was fondly immortalised in the memory of Western culture.
 
   
This led to the Beatles becoming heralded as an 'alternative' cult phenomenon. However many critics have considered them to be lacking genuine talent, relying on shocking their audience with bursts of noise which are of little aesthetic value and opportunistically riding the coat-tails of Onion and others.
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[[Image:Dooooom.jpg|thumb|right|200px|The Beatles, shortly after the rumours of Paul McCartney's nondeath started circulating.]]
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That month, a fateful telephone call was made to an obscure [[Minneapolis]] radio station. A [[scientist]] informed shocked [[DJ]]s that a subliminal message in the group's albums revealed that everyone but Paul is dead. Earlier everybody thought Paul was the one dead. The news sent shockwaves through the world music community. Everybody was very confused.
   
They then planned to make a movie called "Get Back, Honky Cat" about the band rehearsing, recording and performing an entire album, but it wasn't very well planned and it took so long that they realised releasing the album "Get Back, Honky Cat" wasn't a really good idea now so they left it in the hands of a madman who completely altered the play list and completely changed [[everything]] about all the songs, including the lyrics. Everybody left except McKlein, so he left.
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Ringo was the first to go, because in 1963, on the cover of ''Without the Beatles'', Ringo's face is clearly not in line with those of his fabulous bandmates. On the cover of the ''A Hard On's Night'' EP, George is the only one with his back to the camera in any of the pictures, and he's the only one holding a cigarette. On the cover of the ''Yelp!'' album, the Beatles hold their arms in semaphore positions, but rather than spelling Y-E-L-P as one might expect, it spells H-E-L-P? That meant an untimely death had befallen John and he had been replaced. In "I'm Looking Through You", Paul sings of the state of his friends and coworkers: "You don't look different, but you have changed...You don't sound different, I've learned the game/I'm looking through you, you're not the same."
   
As they could not possibly stop with that one, and the Sixties were nearly finished, the Beatles began working on what was to be their last album called "Crosswalk at Abbey Street". After this album they went their separate ways and "Leave It Be", the madman's version of "Get Back, Honky Cat" was released. See "Beatles For Sale".
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Post-''Corporal Salt's'' albums distinguish Paul as the only surviving original member. One of the many figures on the cover of that album holds a hand over Paul's head, as if to bless him, and on the reverse, he is shown with his back to the camera. All Beatles fans were actually brainwashed into believing Paul was dead, but the scientist showed proof, all was finally understood. Then another scientist examined these claims and discovered that it was all a hoax.
   
"Abbey Crunch" was as good as "Reveloving Door", except by then the words had stopped making any sense at all. And it was later, so it does not count. But by then, under the spell of James Hendricks Marshallcabinet, whom Hari had conjured with mantras and playing backwards, everybody decided that even three chords were a bit much, and you did not need songs. Led Zeppelin and Kiss were invented and everybody got rid of the harpsichord, which was a mistake as only Jimi was really good at it. Although the Seventies was the Sixties for everybody else, in fact the dream was over. Jimi and some other people died and the rest got drunk. The control freaks had been right all along and, discovering that the kids did not want the system, they sold it to themselves.
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[[Image:PhilSpectorYoung.jpg|thumb|left|220px|Phil Spector mixing the cheesy orchestra muzak into "The Long and Winding Road", 1 April 1970. Yes, ladies, Spector used to be a handsome-looking bloke, before he turned into a murderous gremlin with wacky hair.]]
  +
The Sixties were over. A whole new decade of possibilities was opened up to The Beatles, but the high level of bickering at the time implied that band unity would not survive the Seventies. In order to distract the listeners from the ending of the oeuvre long enough to add just a little bit more music, The Beatles continued work on ''Get Back'', now titled ''Let It Be''. The band—sans that egomaniac Lemon—was ready to record another album, but they couldn't conceptualize anything, plus they were quite bored with each other. So they did a few overdubs on ''Let It Be'', and that was it.
   
====Beatle Juice====
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In March–April 1970, behind the other Beatles' backs, Lennon hired noted [[Murderer|producer]] Phil Spector to finish ''Let It Be''. This resulted in the album having a frilly, lush, overproduced '70s sound—particularly the lead single "The Long and Boring Road"—rather than the rootsy blues feel it was supposed to have. Upset that his own friend would destroy a song he wrote, McCartney announced the breakup of The Beatles. He went on to pursue a solo career; John wrote more stupid albums with Yoko; Ringo, feeling squeamish and needing some mental flushing, went to Switzerland to relax for a year or two; and George went to India to fade into obscurity. The album ''Let It Be'' was released in May, accompanied by a movie of the same name that grossed $500.
   
After McCartney's tragic death, scientists started working on cloning so that they could bring back all of The Bealtes in the, hopefully, near future. It has been confirmed that the bodys of John, Paul and Geroge are all stuck in [[Some Dude]]'s freezer while they make sure the cloning machine works. They have already cloned [[Michael Jackson]] and [[Elton John]]... (Despite Elton screaming that he wasn't even dead while they were cloning him) and have confirmed that sometime in 2012 they will clone all 3 Beatles. Ringo, been immortal and such, will NOT be cloned...However, [[Pete Best]] will. If the cloning fails then the scientist's have confirmed that they will be putting them all in a (yellow) blender and making them into [[Beetlejuice|Beatle Juice]]. This will be sold to [[Somebody|whoever will buy it]], but won't be consumable. You can, however, place it in a beautiful glass vase on your mantle peice next to your [[Grandma's Pies|Grandma's ashes]]. (No refunds!)
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The Beatles, the band that had helped [[Americans|the whole nation]] pull together after the tragic death of [[John F. Kennedy|JFK]], and also defined [[Baby boomers|a generation]] with their hippiedom, were no more. The dream was over.
   
==="Everyone But Paul Is Dead"===
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===Post-Breakup===
  +
====1970s====
  +
After going their separate ways, The Beatles could not wait to record all of the songs they had written in the 1960s but never got the chance to record.
   
:''main article [[Paul is dead|Paul Is Alive]]''
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John remained in The Polyurethane Band until 1973, and didn't release a solo album until 1971. In 1974, after recording an album with Paul, John got into a fight with Yoko, and they broke up for a year, during which John dated some other annoying Asian chick and made an album whose central theme was dreams. In 1975, John and Yoko were reunited, and they made one more album before settling down to raise a family in New York City. From 1975 to 1979, John and Yoko kept to themselves. John decided to write a musical, and recorded demos of the songs he wrote for the musical.
[[Image:Dooooom.jpg|thumb|The Beatles, shortly after the rumours of Paul McCartney's nondeath started circulating.]]
 
Before the group broke up, a fateful telephone call was made to an obscure Minneapolis radio station. A scientist informed shocked DJ's that a subliminal message in the group's albums revealed that everyone but Paul is dead. Earlier everybody thought Paul was the one dead, but they weren't sure and didn't know why. The news sent shockwaves through the world music community. Everybody was very confused.
 
   
Ringo was the first to go. '''The first to go.''' because in 1963, on the cover of ''Without the Beatles'', Ringo's face is clearly not in line with those of his fabulous bandmates. On the cover of the ''A Hard On's Night'' EP, George is the only one with his back to the camera in any of the pictures, and he's the only one holding a cigarette. It's believed only George was distinguished on these covers because whatever entity was responsible for placing the clues decided the group's young fans might have trouble figuring out which pair of Beatles had died; John & Paul, or George & Ringo. On the cover of the ''Yelp!'' album, the Beatles hold their arms in semaphore positions, but rather than spelling Y-E-L-P as one might expect, it spells H-E-L-P? That meant an untimely death had befallen John and he had been replaced. In "I'm Looking Through You", Paul sings of the state of his friends and coworkers: "You don't look different, but you have changed...You don't sound different, I've learned the game/I'm looking through you, you're not the same."
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Paul made his first solo album in 1970. In 1971, Paul formed the hot new band Wings. In 1974, Paul recorded an album with John; it was never released. In 1975, Wings broke up, and Paul settled down in Scotland, making a new album every year or so.
   
Post ''Sgt. Lt. Pepper's'' work distinguishes Paul as the only surviving original member. One of the many figures on the cover of that album holds a hand over Paul's head, as if to bless him, and on the reverse, he is shown with his back to the camera.
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George returned from his pilgrimage in 1971, claiming to be "changed". He never talked about any personal developments, he just said he was "changed". Although George had thousands of songs to record, he did not find himself very defined as a solo artist, so he just joined The Polyurethane Band and played guitar on some of John's songs until he finally found inspiration and began his solo career. In 1977, George was finally ready to start recording, but he was immediately distracted by the new movie ''Star Wars'', then got involved in the production of ''Monty Python's Life of Brian''. George did not make any solo albums in the 1970s.
 
All The Beatles fans were actually brainwashed into believing Paul was dead (they believe he was squashed as he roamed the town in this superhero beatle form), but the scientist showed proof, all was finally understood.
 
   
Then another scientist examined these claims and discovered that it was all a hoax.
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Ringo was relieved of all stress by 1972, when he returned to England and made his first solo album, which sucked. In 1973, Ringo made another album, which sucked less. Throughout the 1970s, Ringo made more albums with increasing quality and decreasing sales.
   
===Going Helter Skelter===
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====1980s====
[[Image:beatles Elf.jpg|thumb|left|The Beatles' album "Elf" was made one night after a lot of drinks at a London bar.]]
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The 1980s were quite pivotal for The Beatles, quite pivotal indeed.
   
In the [[1980s]], [[Michael Jackson]] the famous [[singer]] and [[plastic]] [[mannequin]] purchased the remaining Beatles' [[souls]] and placed them in his ranch in "[[Neverland]]". Many wondered if this was the real 'Pepperland' all along.
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It all started in January 1980. John was excited for the 1980s. He was ready for another chance at success now that he had finsished writing his musical, but he decided to shelve it until he got enough money to put it on Broadway. And what better way to get a shitload of money really fast than to make an album? It had been five years since he made his last album, and he was finally ready to make another one. Of course, Yoko joined. This new album, titled ''Double Vision'', was released in November. At first, everybody hated it, but then Mark Chapman killed John, so everybody loved it.
   
===Come Together===
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====1990s====
[[Image:MusicalAbbeyRoad.png|thumb|(From left to right) The Grave Digger, the Corpse, the Preacher and God (on Abbey Road, aka [[Mac OS X|Mac OSX Dock]])]]
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In the 1990s, The Beatles reformed. Unfortunately, John could not attend recording sessions, being dead and all, but the three living Beatles tried many methods of bringing him back, if only briefly. They could not summon him as a zombie, as his body had been cremated. They performed a seance to summon his ghost, bearing no answer. As a last resort, as they simply could not play without John, they politely asked Yoko for the demos John recorded in the Seventies. Yoko gave them the tapes and trusted them with them. Paul, George, and Ringo put the tapes to decent use, recording fully-instrumented versions of the songs "Free FREE Free" and "Limerence". These tracks were later included in the ''Anthology'' albums.
   
Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Moon came together in [[1995]] to film ''Anthropology''. George had to be woken up. It was released in eighty parts and they released a double [[CD]] one minute long for each part they released.
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=== 2000s ===
  +
The new millenium saw George with serious problems. He was stabbed in the face by one of our historians, who had DOI in his system at the time. George had been diagnosed with throat cancer from smoking too much weed, and after the attack, he also had brain cancer. This eventually killed him.
   
In [[2003]], the remaining members released "[[Leave It Be&#8230; nude version]]". This was the version they would've released before the madman swapped it all about. In this version, they had actually recorded the album totally nude like the title suggested; the original "Leave It Be" album was the session that they had recorded while being fed with rotten onions (Onions being a metaphor for Clark Kent).
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=== 2010s ===
  +
As it happens, Ringo doesn't do anything anymore. Paul does too many things.
   
"The Beatles Go #2" was released to commemorate the grammatically corrected versions of each time the boys made it into the toilet.
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[[Image:beatles Elf.jpg|thumb|left|The Beatles' album "Elf" was made one night after a lot of drinks at a London bar.]]
   
Recently a Beatles bootleg appeared entitled 'The Silent Album.' This album is 13 tracks (43.55 minutes) of silence. It was originally thought that it was another attempt by John Morrison to be regarded as the "Most Stupid Artist In History" by releasing work from beyond the grave, it has since been discovered that it was the lost tape for The Beatles 'Wangster' rapping sessions which Sir George Martin had lost in the post production stage. It was the only one that was not a week long.
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[[Image:MusicalAbbeyRoad.png|thumb|(From left to right) The Grave Digger, the Corpse, the Preacher and God (on Abbey Road, aka [[Mac OS X|Mac OSX Dock]])]]
   
 
==Did You Know?==
 
==Did You Know?==
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* Ringo Starr was the only Beatle to have a double chin. The other Beatles didn't eat. The last time McCartney ate was in 1958 when he had a fish, hence the famous song "Can't Buy Me Cod".
 
* Ringo Starr was the only Beatle to have a double chin. The other Beatles didn't eat. The last time McCartney ate was in 1958 when he had a fish, hence the famous song "Can't Buy Me Cod".
   
* Recent statistical analysis by an MIT PhD reveals that at one point in 1966 The Beatles actually were 43% more popular than [[Jesus]].
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* Recent statistical analysis by an MIT PhD reveals that at one point in 1966 The Beatles actually ''were'' more popular than [[Jesus]], by 43%.
   
 
* All of the Beatles music was influenced by the little known North Manchesterford combo called [[Faggots|Oasis]]. 'Without Oasis, there would be no Beatles' Paul was once overheard saying in a haze.
 
* All of the Beatles music was influenced by the little known North Manchesterford combo called [[Faggots|Oasis]]. 'Without Oasis, there would be no Beatles' Paul was once overheard saying in a haze.
Line 135: Line 136:
   
 
* The 'Walrus' was actually [[Owlient|Starr]]. This was a great insult to walruses.
 
* The 'Walrus' was actually [[Owlient|Starr]]. This was a great insult to walruses.
 
* Yoko Ono was once fired as a stripper, because she was overheard saying "Me so horny! Me so horny! Yoko love you long time for 75 mirrion dorrar".
 
   
 
* Two Beatles haven't been stabbed or shot, even though Heather Mills tried her best.
 
* Two Beatles haven't been stabbed or shot, even though Heather Mills tried her best.
 
* Ringo's most famous single is titled ''[[Worst 100 Songs of All Time|Fuck Paul. Yes I mean you, McCartney]]''.
 
   
 
* The Beatles were a leading force in the British Colonization of Black Music, in which blacks were enslaved and forced to give up the 12-bar blues and instead write artsy "pop-rock" songs for white men (such as The Beatles) for little or no money.
 
* The Beatles were a leading force in the British Colonization of Black Music, in which blacks were enslaved and forced to give up the 12-bar blues and instead write artsy "pop-rock" songs for white men (such as The Beatles) for little or no money.
   
 
* [[Bob Dylan]] was introduced to hard drugs by [[The Beatles]], and has never looked back in anger, preferring instead to get stoned with EVERYBODY, by force if necessary.
 
* [[Bob Dylan]] was introduced to hard drugs by [[The Beatles]], and has never looked back in anger, preferring instead to get stoned with EVERYBODY, by force if necessary.
 
* On the set of ''A Hard Day's Nigh''t, John Lennon pressed his cheeks up against Ringo Starr's face and released a wet sounding fart. Ringo was obviously upset, and in turn, silenty released a fart of his own, waving it toward John. Upon smelling this, John was quoted as saying "Touche' Ringo"
 
   
 
*[[Ringo Starr]] was replaced by an orangutan from 1963 to 1968. Nobody noticed. They were busy looking at John to see if it really was John... or a walrus. No one knows for sure.
 
*[[Ringo Starr]] was replaced by an orangutan from 1963 to 1968. Nobody noticed. They were busy looking at John to see if it really was John... or a walrus. No one knows for sure.
 
*Apple Corps created picture books (for children. DUH!) out of photos of The Insects, but with child-friendly captions added, eg 'John and Paul play with each other', 'Ringo plays with himself', 'John gives Paul love', 'George is doing it', etc., etc., etc.
 
 
*The Beatles were once regarded as [[Satan]] worshippers, with the release of their songs, "Lucifer in the Sky with Demons" and "I am the Reaper". This myth was disregarded as yet another drug trip song.
 
 
*There really was no such band as the Beatles. Every single person in the 1960's was on some kind of drug and the Beatles just existed collectively in everybody's minds.
 
   
 
* In Soviet Russia, The Beatles first single to be released was called, "Healthy Soviet Hand Wants to Hold You!"
 
* In Soviet Russia, The Beatles first single to be released was called, "Healthy Soviet Hand Wants to Hold You!"
Line 160: Line 149:
 
* On the picture where The Beatles were walking down Abbey Road, Paul McCartney wasn't out of step, John George and Ringo were.
 
* On the picture where The Beatles were walking down Abbey Road, Paul McCartney wasn't out of step, John George and Ringo were.
   
* Ringo once collected tea cosies, this was revealed after a raid of his apartment in 1964. Ringo's home page is : [http://www.customcozies.com]
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* The Beatles never went to Soviet Russia twice, hence the song "[[Back in the U.S.S.R.]]" is just another clue to Paul being dead.
 
* The Beatles never went to Soviet Russia twice, hence the song "[[Back in the U.S.S.R.]]" is just another fucked up clue to Paul being dead.
 
 
* In the 60's when the Beatles were almost popular, two teenage girls tried to handcuff themselves to The Beatles Limousine. They ended up attaching themselves to a car full of 3 very confused South Koreans and Yoko Ono.
 
 
* Ringo Starr actually wrote all of the Beatles songs, he was just never credited for it for example : "A Hard Days Ringo" and "Yesteringo!", also the less well known song, "Ringo Ringo Rosies"
 
 
* Elvis was Paul McCartney's mother in a Michelin man suit.
 
   
 
* The death metal band [[Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell]] claims that The Beatles were one of their greatest influences.
 
* The death metal band [[Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell]] claims that The Beatles were one of their greatest influences.
   
==The Beatles' USSR #1 Singles==
 
[[Image:beatles.gif|right]]
 
* '''Do Me, Love''' / P.S. I Love Your boyfriend (October 5 [[1962]])
 
* '''From Me To You to the Next Person''' / Thanks for Nothing ([[1963]])
 
* '''She Loves Him, Not You''' / I'll Get You Wasted ([[1963]])
 
* '''I Want To Hold Your Cash/ Oops... This Boy Is Underage* ([[1963]]) *''Copyright now owned by [[Michael Jackson]]''
 
* '''I Want To Huff Your Cat''' / [[That Guy]] ([[1963]])
 
* '''Can't Buy Me Love (Unless I Win the Lottery)''' / You Can Do That (But Only in Tijuana) ([[1964]])
 
* '''Can't Buy Me Legs''' / Can't Buy Me Divorce ([[1963]]) - re-released ([[2006]])
 
* '''A Hard On's Night''' / Things We Smoked Today ([[1964]])
 
* '''I Feel Fuckin' Sick''' / He's A Woman ([[1964]])
 
* '''Ticked Off My Bride''' / No It Isn't ([[1965]])
 
* '''Another One Bites the Dust''' / No, We Didn't Kill Paul ([[1965]])
 
* '''Fuck!''' / I'm Up and Down (I'm on a Seesaw) ([[1965]])
 
* '''We Can't Work It Out''' / '''Gay Stripper (Censored as Hey Skipper)''' ([[1965]])
 
* '''Yesterday (I Lost It)''' / Jack Naturally (and Prone) ([[1965]])
 
* '''Ten Days A Week''' / Got To Get You Off My Life Insurance Policy ([[1966]])
 
* '''Shitty Crack Fighter''' / Thunderstorm ([[1966]])
 
* '''Eleanor "Aussie Rules" Rugby''' / '''Yellow Tambourine''' ([[1966]])
 
* '''Strawberry soup for never / '''Penis Lane([[1967]])
 
* '''Lucy and this guy with lots of jewellery on/ When I sex for tea ([[1967]])
 
* '''All You Need is Lunch''' / Maybe You're A Witch, Man ([[1967]])
 
* '''Hello, Fuck Off''' / I Am The Waitress ([[1967]])
 
* '''Help! My Appendix Just Burst''' / Ringo HAS A TINY DICK, i a i a ooo! ([[1965]])
 
* '''[[Russian Reversal|In Soviet Russia, Ur asSeS aRe Back in YOU!]]''' / Everybody's Got A Monkey To Hide Except Me.
 
* '''Hey! You've Got to Hide Your Gay Away''' / We'll Have to Hide Our Love Away
 
* '''Lady, My Donut!''' / The Inner Bite ([[1968]])
 
* '''Hang Jews (w/ [[The Black Panthers f/ KKKramer!]]) ([[1970]])
 
* '''[[AAAAAAAA!]]''' / [[AAAAAA!]] ([[AAA, oh, oh, uh, o yeah, deeper, oh, oh , again!!!!]])
 
* '''Back in the You Ass Ass Are''' / '''While Captain Picard Gently Weeps''' ([[1968]])
 
* '''[[Back in the U.S.S.R.]] (NOT RUSSIA!!)''' / '''While My Didgeridoo Gently Weeps''' ([[1968]])
 
* '''[[I Am the Walrus]] ([[1970]])
 
* '''Lt. Oregano's very many friends in a musical group with hearts/With no help from friends (cause Ringo doesn't have any)/A Day with your wife
 
 
[[Image:Let It Be.jpg|right|225px]]
 
 
* '''[[Revolution 393.7]]''' / Why Don't We Do It in the Road? ([[1968]]) ''(No kidding, it's an actual song...)''
 
* '''Get Crack''' / Don't Put Me Down (I'm Not a Bloody Dog) ([[1969]])
 
* '''The salad of John and Yoko"fuck this bitch who made the Beatles separate" Ono''' / and why the heck don't we ever cut our hair!??! [[1969]])
 
* '''Some Other Thing''' / '''Come Alone''' ([[1969]])
 
* '''Hey, We Look Different?!''' / John's hair reached his ass!!!!! ([[1970]])
 
* '''Leave It To Beaver''' / Gee Golly Mrs. Cleaver, Is Beaver The Walrus? ([[1]]9[[7]]0)
 
* '''Leave It Be''' / You Don't Know My Number (Look Up The Name) ([[1970]])
 
* '''The Long and Winding [[Shortcut]]''' / For You Foo'! (w/ [[Mr. T]]) ([[1970]])
 
* '''The Long and Winding Chode ([[1970]])
 
* '''Across the Tune Is Worse''' / The Two of Us Crammed a Lot of Filler on This Album ([[1970]])
 
* '''Pouring Scorn''' / Scoring Porn! (w/ [[Yoko]]) ([[1970]])
 
* '''Rape and Back Bite Her''' / Tribute to Marv Albert (w/ [[Bob Crane]]) ([[The 90's?!]])
 
* '''Helter Schmelter / Got to get some pot
 
* '''With no help at all from my "friends"/ I want to fuck your dog
 
 
==UK Album Discography==
 
[[Image:WTBcover.jpg|thumb|right|300px|the album that kinda, sorta, but not really started it all...]]
 
#''[[Please Please Me|Please Please Yourself (I Love Watching You do It)]]'' ([[1963]])
 
#''[[With the Beatles|Within the Beatles Without the Beatles]]'' ([[1963]])
 
#''[[A Hard Day's Night|A Hard On's Night]]'' ([[1964]])
 
#''[[Clowns For Sale]]'' ([[1964]])
 
#''[[Shit!]]'' ([[1965]])
 
#''[[Rubber Soul|Rubbeer Bollocks]]'' ([[1965]])
 
#''[[Revolver|BB Gun]]'' ([[1966]])
 
#''[[Sgt. Pepper's Lonely I ♥ Huckabees Club Band]]'' ([[1967]])
 
#''[[Tragical Mystery Tour|Tragical Hystery Tour]]'' ([[1967]])
 
#''[[Ringo Needs Some Money]]'' ([[1967]])
 
#''[[The White Album|The White Supremacy Album]] '' ([[1968]])
 
#''[[Abbey Road|Abbey Street West]]'' ([[1969]])
 
#''[[Let It Be|Let It Bleed]]''
 
#''[[Anthropology I-LXXX]]'' ([[1994]])
 
#''[[Lt. Dan's Lonely Hearts Club Thing Remix Extravaganza]]'' ([[1995]])
 
#''[[Two]]'' ([[2000]])
 
#''[[Let It Bleed... Explicit Sexual Content Version]]'' ([[2003]])
 
#''[[Hate (Beatles Album)]]'' ([[2006]])
 
#''[[The blood red album]]'' See also [[Vampire Ninja|We turned into vampires and have come to suck your <s>cock</s> blood]] ([[2010]])
 
#''[[The bleak album]]''([[2010]])
 
Ps.: I Hate You, errr, I mean, during the year 1970, the Beatles fell in love with themselves and picked the album Revolver, originally from 1966, and released it 12 times, one each month, just to have free cocktail parties off EMI's ass more often. Them album sold a record number of 11 copies (on each month) and failed to reach 12th because Ringo's mom lost her pennies on a trip to China where she hoped to buy some crystal meth.
 
 
==US Album Discography==
 
[[Image:BTMcover.jpg|thumb|right|300px|the album that kinda, sorta, but not really started it all...]]
 
#''The Beatles do Wing'' ([[2003]])
 
#''Savage Auld Beatles'' ([[1812]])
 
#''BBC Lessons''([[1822]])
 
#''Have You Heard About The Beatles Lately?'' ([[1964]])
 
#''Beat the Meatles!'' (an unnoticed typo) ([[1964]])
 
#''The Beatles' Second/Third Album'' ([[1964]])
 
#''A Hard On's Fight'' ([[1964]])
 
#''Something Borrowed'' ([[1964]])
 
#''The Beatles' One Year Story'' ([[1964]])
 
#''Beatles Year Two, Album Either IX, X, or XI: '65'' ([[1965]])
 
#''The Beatles of Two Years Ago Before Capitol Would Release Us'' ([[1965]])
 
#''[[Damn!]]'' ([[1965]])
 
#''[[Rubber soul|Rubbers Bollocks]]'' ([[1965]])
 
#''Yesterday, Tomorrow... And Today... And The Day Everybody But Paul Died'' ([[1966]])
 
#''Handgun'' ([[1966]])
 
#''[[Sgt. Lt. Pepper's Only Lonely Hearts Club Bandana]]'' ([[1967]])
 
#''Sgt. Pepper's Finger Lickin' Chickin Stand'' ([[1967]])
 
#''Dr. Pepper's Tastey Beverage Can'' ([[1967.5]])
 
#''[[Magical Hysterectomy Tour]]'' ([[1967]])
 
#'' - (Finally A Shorter Album Name)'' ([[1968]])
 
#''Yellow Submachine'' ([[1969]])
 
#''Abby Street West'' ([[1969]])
 
#''Hey Jew'' ([[1970]])
 
#''Leave It Be'' ([[1970]])
 
#''The Beatles Meet K*I*S*S* While K*I*S*S* Is Already En Route To Meeting The Phantom Of The Park But They Decide To All Watch J*A*G* And M*A*S*H* Instead'' (1970)
 
#''[[Ringo Needs Some Money]]'' ([[1982]])
 
#''Anthropology I-LXXX'' ([[1995]])
 
#''Anthropology LXXXI - The sounds of Ringo scraping the bottom of a barrel'' ([[1997]])
 
#''Leave It Be... Nude Version'' ([[2003]])
 
#''[[Hate (Beatles Album)|Hate]]'' ([[2006]])
 
#''Twist and Die'' (An album about [[Paul McCartney|Paul]] and [[Dingo|Ringo's]] coming of age, and deteriorating joints) ([[2007]])
 
#''Paul's Dead- songs include: (Paul's Not Dead)
 
#''About Time To Dig Through The Beatles' Seemingly Endless Back Catalogue And Shit Out Another Special Edition Album, Right?'' ([[1988]]-present)
 
 
==Kuwait Album Discography==
 
#''Wednesday Morning, 3 A.M.'' ([[1964]])
 
#''Sounds of Silence (album)|Sounds of Silence'' ([[1966]])
 
#''Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme'' ([[1966]])
 
#''Bookends'' ([[1968]])
 
#''Bridge over Troubled Water'' ([[1970]])
 
 
==Filmography==
 
[[Image:HARDON.jpg|thumb|right|300px|the movie that kinda, sorta, but not really started it all...]]
 
*''A Hard On's Night'' ([[1964]])
 
*''Help Yourself, Loser!'' ([[1965]])
 
*''Help! 2: Electric Boogaloo'' ([[1966]])
 
*''Tragical History Whore And How This Was All Paul's Idea Anyway p.s. cause he's dead man'' ([[1967]])
 
*''Yellow Tambourine'' (voiced by imperfect clones) ([[1968]])
 
*''The Beatles meet Namor the Sub-mariner'' ([[1969]])
 
*''Let us Pee'' ([[1970]])
 
*''Stoned'' ([[2005]])
 
*''The Beatles: One Night in Paris (Video footage from the famous 1967 concert)'' ([[2006]])
 
*''The Long and Winding Abbey Road & Apple Get Back off my Frog'' ([[2006]])
 
 
==Upcoming Films==
 
*''We Told You Royalty Stole Our Ideas'' ([[2008]]) (pre-production)
 
*''The Beatles: A Night at the Roxbury'' ([[2009]]) (complete but will be release as "The Homeless: A Night with Michael Jackson)
 
*''One Virgin: Yoko's Story'' ([[2009]]) (announced)
 
*''A Disgrace of Percussion: The True Feat Unconquered'' ([[2010]]) (announced)
 
*'' Gigli
 
*''The Beatles: Rattle Your Jewelry Up There'' ([[2012]]) (Royal Documentary)
 
 
==Reunion==
 
The Beatles made a come back tour with Paul, [[Justin Beiber]] and two unidentified musicians.
 
 
==See also==
 
[[Image:Beatlesfan.gif|right]]
 
* [[Led Zeppelin|Anti-Beatles]] (a much better band)
 
* [[Beatlemania]]
 
* [[Beatlefication]]
 
* [[British Invasion]]
 
* [[Rutles]]
 
* [[The Shakesbeatles]]
 
* [[Batles]]
 
* [[Flying Pigs]]
 
* [[Hey Jude]]
 
* [[Revolution 393]]
 
* [[Tickets]]
 
* [[Beatles About]]
 
* [[The Beatles (TV series)]]
 
 
==External links==
 
*[http://www.beatles-discography.com/beatles-forum.html Shabby Road]
 
*[http://home.att.net/~chuckayoub/paul_is_dead.html A humourous take on the "Everyone But Paul is Dead" rumours]
 
 
{{Britain}}
 
{{Britain}}
 
{{TheBeatles}}
 
{{TheBeatles}}
 
   
 
[[Category:Articles Featuring The Electric Boogaloo]]
 
[[Category:Articles Featuring The Electric Boogaloo]]
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[[eo:Beatles]]
 
[[es:Los Beatles]]
 
[[es:Los Beatles]]
 
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[[he:חסרי הקצב]]
 
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[[id:Changcuters]]
 
 
[[it:Beatles]]
 
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[[ja:ビートルズ]]
 
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Latest revision as of 17:23, January 14, 2016

Band logo

The first prototype for a band logo created by dyslexic Ringo.

Bouncywikilogo5
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Beatles.

The Beatles were an English comedy/rock band spawned from Liverpool. Their classic lineup consisted of three gods of music: John Lennon, Paul McCartney, and George Harrison, plus some dude named Ringo who was their session drummer. They released many successful pop songs throughout the 1960s. And if you can remember the '60s, you're too old to be on the Internet.

Lots of girls would throw their knickers at them while they performed on-stage, yet nobody knows how they managed to get them off in the crowd. The group was quite successful, though musically they were in the shadows of Kerman's Kermits and the Dave Clark Five. They are often seen as an Oasis tribute band, capturing similar looks to that of Noel Gallagher and Liam Gallagher.

edit History

edit Background

Our story begins with two young art students John Lennon and Paul McCartney on the top deck of a Liverpool bus. The two lads found they were united in their love of skiffle, a crude musical style devised by English songster Donnie Lonegan, and named after a Liverpool night out.

The two were sharing a Woodbine when somebody spoke, and they went into a dream. It was the morose, juvenile George Harrison, distinguished for his ability to play something on guitar that sounded like The Shadows. The two recognized someone they could pick on, and the dream of a top pop band was born. Quickly, they recruited good-looking drummer Pete Best and shady bassist Stu Sutcliffe to round out their lineup.

Before settling on the name that made them famous, the five performed in many of their front rooms under a variety of names, including The Clay Men, Johnny and The Moptops, The Silver Bullets, The Big Three, The Fab Four and The Slaughterhouse Five. But their break came when, by fantastic chance, they won a residency at the local Cotton Club, owned by Pete's mum. Their radio broadcasts rocked Liverpool, and they immediately embarked on a major tour of a street in Hamburg.

There it was that, surrounded by sailors and prostitutes, The Beatles looked on in shock as a drunken Stu Sutcliffe appeared naked on stage to make his epoch-making speech Ich bin ein Hamburger. Playing fourteen-hour shifts whilst sweating heavily, the band fast became a killer rhythm section that smelled. Sometimes, they would perform for days on end simply because their confused teen hormones convinced them that the footsweat that glued them to the stage was comfortable.

As the weeks went by and their money slowly faded away, The Beatles melted into their audience, participating in their bar fights. When they finally sobered up, they found that Ringo Starr had replaced Pete Worst as their drummer. Inspired by Chuck Berry and Buddy Holly, they began to experiment with writing songs that copied Chuck Berry and Buddy Holly.

Back in Liverpool, furniture salesman Brian Epstein was impressed by a young fan who entered his premises demanding "My Bunny", a German record by local heroes "The Bootless". "This is a furniture shop, idiot!" quipped Brian. Within hours he was at the Cotton Club, assuring the young hopefuls that their total sales of 10,000 guaranteed fame and that he would be their manager.

edit 1962–66: "Red" years, Beatlemania, teenybopper phase

edit First singles, Thank Thank You, and Without the Beatles

In 1962, Epstein signed The Beatles onto Parlorphone Records. Their first single, "Do Me, Love", earned them a disappointing #18, or #17 depending on who you pay, in the Barmy British 100 charts, as well as a £50 obscenity fine. This was followed shortly by "Please Slurp Me", a thinly disguised plea for consensual favours that was an instant chart-topper in Britain, or else #2, depending on who pays you.

In 1963, The Beatles recorded their first album, Thank Thank You. It contained all of the songs they recorded that weren't released as singles, leading to poor reception and the general vibe of "every song sounds the same." Two notable exceptions to this are the songs "I Saw Her Standing There" and "Twist and Shout", which according to Lennon and McCartney are about the same encounter with an attractive woman in a club.

Later in 1963, The Beatless recorded a second album, Without the Beatles. This was the same as the first, except different songs, obviously, and the piano was mixed up a bit. The band showed its versatility in its command of popular idioms in successive singles thus; swing beat, twist beat, twist beat, swing beat, twist beat, swing beat, twist beat. At this point, Lennon, who had always thought The Beatles recorded his songs too fast, started doing them slower.

The accompanying single, "I Wanna Steal Your Man", went to #1 in the United States, pursued by its subtly lyrical predecessor, "She Loves You But I'll Get You". This was the beginning of The Beatles hitting America.

Due to business interests, Capitol Records released their albums completely re-configured in America. Without the Beatles was released as Meet the Mopheads and Thank Thank You was released as The Beatles' Second Album, or Maybe the Third. At the time, fans didn't know any better, but when they did, they were quite upset.

In 1964, The Beatles appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show and rocked the history books, becoming the most-watched band on television of the 1960s. That night, The Ed Sullivan Show also had the most viewers of its entire run (guesstimates are around ten or twelve people, we're not really sure).

edit A Hard Night's Day, Beatles for Sail, and Yelp!

Original beatles

A performance on The Ed Sullivan Show goes terribly wrong.

Later that year a director named Mark Lester asked to make a movie about the band based on one of their sketches. The movie was called A Hard-on a Night and was about a twenty-five hours a day, eight days a week account of being in a band, and fab and gear and lovable and funny. The boys did it as Lester had also been in "The Ying Tong Song" and he knew Pete's mum. The movie only lasted an hour and a half and therefore didn't really fulfill its objective, but the title song had a guitar chord and also a guitar solo that couldn't really be done. Also, the urgent complaining of the tough sardonic was this time complimented by the soaring melodic gift of McCutesie. The soundtrack album was the only 100% Lemon/McCranberry release. The Bobtails were film stars. Lenin found he could be nasty to everyone and they liked it.

Their next album, called Beatles for Sail was weaker in that, around this time, The Beatles were in a hectic lifestyle and had to expand their usual twenty-five hours into twenty-seven hours, without sleeping. In order to do this, they had to clone themselves to go on a world tour. They never got around to cloning Ringo so they used a completely different drummer. This annoyed Imelda Magoo and her shoes so they went home, especially George. So we don't talk about Beatles for Sale, and nobody is really sure if the right tracks were on it.

However, Jan Laminate always identified the album as the turning-point when he started getting real and also wore a cap. The commonly-held belief that that did not happen for another two albums is an optical illusion caused by the way the records were released in the USA, he said. He'd got a folkie guitar, and done the song "I'm a Fat Elvis", which was a cry from the heart. Stung by the idea that The Kinks, Stones and Yardbirds were heavier, he had started to slow it down and grunge it up a bit. But all they'd had otherwise was a couple of ill-rehearsed reject singles, a few cook-ups and 12-bars and an afternoonsworth of Hamburg cover-versions.

The next day, Mark Lester contacted them again to do the movie Yelp!, a twenty-four hour account of the struggles of being in a band. The film was simply too campy, but the album was good on both sides. Still somewhat lightweight, still sporting a couple of cover-versions, but only one Ringo song! There were also a few fab waxings - and they speeded up John Rotten's heartfelt song again - but it was nevertheless unquestionably good, and he also did a more obviously Dylan Thomas thing, except with flutes: "I've Got to Love Your Hideaway" is now identified as about holidays in Spain, though only by gays, obviously. Hari G emerged as a writer, though he could not do singles properly yet. The only thing that McCartney did was "Yesterday".

edit Steel Funk, Revolver, "Bigger Than Elvis", and "Paul Is Dead"

Beatles odd

The Beatles in their "stoned phase".

The Beatles' next album, Steel Funk, saw the band moving into a more experimental stage. This all began in the chilly October of 1965, when Lennon came up with a new way to pass the time on long weekends when he was on break. He would consume some LSD and begin a one-to-two-hour walk from the recording studio to the book store and back, calling these adventures "acid trip trips". This led to a stream of inspiration for the songs on Steel Funk.

In April 1966, Lennon went to the book store and purchased several books, including the Necronomicon and A Clockwork Orange. Despite being on acid at the time, Lennon selected the least strange book on the shelf, The Will of Yog-Sothoth: A Grimoire Containing Spells for the Summoning of Zombies, Based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead. While reading The Will of Yog-Sothoth, Lineman came across a list of enchantments and philosophical words that he went on to adapt into the lyrics to "Tomorrow Never Comes", featured on their next album Revolver.

While recording the song, John threw causion to the wind and plugged his microphone into an amplifier meant for synthesizers. This caused a power surge in the building, forcing fellow bands of the studio to record their songs acoustic while The Beatles got all the electricity. John recorded the last verse, stanza, and list of enchantments with his voice distorted by the microphone effect. Viola, a ground-breaking song.

Critics, fans, and critical fans alike agree that The Beatles were at their creative peak during the mid-1960s duo of Steel Funk and Revolver. Ironically, the only thing they do not agree on is how to measure the awesomeness of an artist's oeuvre (French for "Here's my essay, Mr. Carmichael!").

In an August 1966 interview, Lennon said "We're bigger than Elvis!" The entire population of America was in an outrage, since Elvis was extremely fat, much mores than The Beatles. Lennon apologized and said Elvis "was fatter really", and he was just letting his ego get to him. However, the outrage did not prevent John from making another joke about how The Beatles were "bigger than Jesus", forcing them to stop touring, and start recording one song per day, as opposed to an album an hour.

On 9 November 1966, John met a Japanese avant-gartist named Yoko Ono at a cheap art show, and they decided to get married straight away. At first, Yoko contributed to an altogether sense of togetherness between the members of the band, but she would soon lead to the band breaking up.

Also coincidentally (or not?) on that day, McCartney, after an argument during a Beatles' recording session, angrily stormed off to a taxi. When the fangirl who was driving the taxi realized who her passenger was, she squealed with joy and crashed the taxi, injuring McCartney. Thanks to the Beatles' immense popularity, this relatively minor incident ballooned rather quickly; informal polls showed that in winter 1966, many fans were convinced that The Beatles had replaced Paul with William Campbell, the winner of a McCartney look-alike contest. Others accused John Lennon of hijacking an RAF fighter and crashing it into Paul's taxi in the hopes of taking his co-lead singer status in the band.

Despite all this silly business, Paul was alive, and the controversy quickly subsided. It would return in a few years, however.

edit 1967–70: "Blue" years, inflated egos, hippie phase

edit Corporal Salt's Only Hearts Club Bandana

Not having to tour allowed The Beatles more time for other...uh, recreational activities. These "activities" were vital in crafting the music of their 1967 album Corporal Salt's Only Hearts Club Bandana. This album was the first ever example of a "concept album" that contained "songs". Unfortunately, the material binding the concept together was not particularly strong. Lennon's song, "Good Morning Good Morning", was a load of slapped-together nonsense about how the world ended when he smoked a Woodbine going to school. McCartney's song, "When I'm 64", was a chintzy popped-up nursery rhyme. George's song, "Within You Without You", was Bollywood fluff that only he seemed to like. And Ringo couldn't think of anything at all.

To make matters worse, "Penny Lane" and "Strawberry Fields Forever", widely considered two of the best songs from the sessions, were released as singles and not included on the song. Luckily, McCartney decided to stop writing granny shit and banged out two great songs: the title track and "A Day in the Life". The album was opened and bookended with these two songs, respectively, in order to give the illusion that it was "da best album ever!!1111" and not some mediocre psychedelia. Lennon also suggested McCartney do a reprise of the title track near the end to make the album "sound conceptual", and so he did.

And so here it was, Corporal Salt's Only Hearts Club Bandana. A marvel of production, the best-selling album of all-time, ranked #1 by Rolling Stone—yet somehow, overrated and not as consistent as Steel Funk or Revolver. Still, The Beatles were at the top of their game, standing on the edge of a cliff, staring down into the abyss that was and still is...

Fame.

edit Tragical Mystery Tour, The Blank Album, and Yellow Tambourine

Beatlestm

The Beatles chatting with the Maharishi over tea following a stellar afternoon's shopping in Harvey Nicks.

In 1967, The Beatles visited the Maharishi Man in India. The Maharishi was the head leader of an Indian tea/curry meditation association of hypnosis. However, the meeting was quickly cut short by tragic news that their manager, Brian Einstein, had died of syphilis. The good news is that the tea wasn't that bad, and the curry was absolutely fantastic. But the Gulab Jamun gave them something bad. That's what you get for eating something you can't pronounce.

This tragedy was echoed in their newest album Tragical Mystery Tour. Under the illusion that drugs made them good songwriters, The Beatles spent a month binging out on anything they could find, from the slimmest blunt to the biggest rock. Surprisingly, the resulting album was quite good; perhaps one of their best. The accompanying TV movie, however, was dismal, consisting mostly of The Beatles pulling pranks and being smartasses mixed in with psychedelic landscape shots.

During the winter of 1967–68, it became clear to The Beatles that fame was going to their heads. They had to squeeze out some remaining good material before they got jumped the shark. In 1968, they released a double-album that they had decided to call The Blank Album. Unlike every Beatles album before, The Blank Album contained hundreds of songs, each of wildly varying quality. These songs were written in 1967 when the band went to India, and were inspired by their LSD trips while there.

The release of The White Album was met with rave reviews, until Charles Manson and his cult of super-meanies got their dirty little hands on the album and a bongful of ether, producing a prophecy foretelling a war between white people and black people. Many years later, The Black Album was released by Metallica, and even later by Jay-Z, implying to some conspiracy theorists that the black people will win the race war.

Around this time, The Beatles, tired of being shafted by greedy executives, decided to abandon their record label Parlophone and form their own label called Apple Cores (not to be confused with Apple Inc.). It founded upon ideals that would attract young, untarnished talent to the industry so at last they could be the ones doing the shafting instead, though only for tax purposes.

edit Get Back, Abbey Road, "Everyone But Paul Is Alive", Let It Be, and break-up

Abbey road

The Beatles on the Abbey Road Communal Treadmill®.

By this point, The Beatles had finished their gradual metamorphosis from four dynamic and creative friends from Liverpool into feuding, greedy businessmen with overblown egos. They were always the kind to get into arguments, but they began to bicker more often after Epstein's death. Brian kept them together by giving them good advice, a nice cold beer, and the occasional ego-stroking. Without these fine essentials being given to them, The Beatles became increasingly crankish.

Tensions also ramped up between John and the rest of the band. John had become increasingly obsessed with his wife Yoko, and even got her to sing on one track of The White Album, much to the band's dismay. The other three Beatles stopped doing drugs and realized that Yoko was irritating, and wanted her to stop attending recording sessions, but John didn't listen.

In January–February 1969, The Beatles worked on their next album, Get Back. John was arrested for possession of heroin, and was replaced by a black guy named Billy Preston who could sure play the organ real funky. The band wrote and recorded several songs for Get Back, including ones John had written while in jail. To promote the album, The Beatles got to the studio's roof for their famous Rooftop Concert, their final live performance.The concert went on for about an hour before some idiots on the opposite side of town from the studio filed noise complaints to the police, who eventually found the band performing on the rooftop and arrested them.

On 22 February, The Beatles were released from jail. The Get Back sessions had left an awful taste in their mouths, so they shelved the album to work on a better one titled Abbey Road. Yoko no longer attended recording sessions; Paul, George, and Ringo were relieved. In September, after a nasty fight with the rest of the band, Lennon parted ways with The Beatles and ran off with Yoko to record their own album under the name The Polyurethane Oh No Ono Band. Finally, in December, Abbey Road was released to rave reviews.

Dooooom

The Beatles, shortly after the rumours of Paul McCartney's nondeath started circulating.

That month, a fateful telephone call was made to an obscure Minneapolis radio station. A scientist informed shocked DJs that a subliminal message in the group's albums revealed that everyone but Paul is dead. Earlier everybody thought Paul was the one dead. The news sent shockwaves through the world music community. Everybody was very confused.

Ringo was the first to go, because in 1963, on the cover of Without the Beatles, Ringo's face is clearly not in line with those of his fabulous bandmates. On the cover of the A Hard On's Night EP, George is the only one with his back to the camera in any of the pictures, and he's the only one holding a cigarette. On the cover of the Yelp! album, the Beatles hold their arms in semaphore positions, but rather than spelling Y-E-L-P as one might expect, it spells H-E-L-P? That meant an untimely death had befallen John and he had been replaced. In "I'm Looking Through You", Paul sings of the state of his friends and coworkers: "You don't look different, but you have changed...You don't sound different, I've learned the game/I'm looking through you, you're not the same."

Post-Corporal Salt's albums distinguish Paul as the only surviving original member. One of the many figures on the cover of that album holds a hand over Paul's head, as if to bless him, and on the reverse, he is shown with his back to the camera. All Beatles fans were actually brainwashed into believing Paul was dead, but the scientist showed proof, all was finally understood. Then another scientist examined these claims and discovered that it was all a hoax.

PhilSpectorYoung

Phil Spector mixing the cheesy orchestra muzak into "The Long and Winding Road", 1 April 1970. Yes, ladies, Spector used to be a handsome-looking bloke, before he turned into a murderous gremlin with wacky hair.

The Sixties were over. A whole new decade of possibilities was opened up to The Beatles, but the high level of bickering at the time implied that band unity would not survive the Seventies. In order to distract the listeners from the ending of the oeuvre long enough to add just a little bit more music, The Beatles continued work on Get Back, now titled Let It Be. The band—sans that egomaniac Lemon—was ready to record another album, but they couldn't conceptualize anything, plus they were quite bored with each other. So they did a few overdubs on Let It Be, and that was it.

In March–April 1970, behind the other Beatles' backs, Lennon hired noted producer Phil Spector to finish Let It Be. This resulted in the album having a frilly, lush, overproduced '70s sound—particularly the lead single "The Long and Boring Road"—rather than the rootsy blues feel it was supposed to have. Upset that his own friend would destroy a song he wrote, McCartney announced the breakup of The Beatles. He went on to pursue a solo career; John wrote more stupid albums with Yoko; Ringo, feeling squeamish and needing some mental flushing, went to Switzerland to relax for a year or two; and George went to India to fade into obscurity. The album Let It Be was released in May, accompanied by a movie of the same name that grossed $500.

The Beatles, the band that had helped the whole nation pull together after the tragic death of JFK, and also defined a generation with their hippiedom, were no more. The dream was over.

edit Post-Breakup

edit 1970s

After going their separate ways, The Beatles could not wait to record all of the songs they had written in the 1960s but never got the chance to record.

John remained in The Polyurethane Band until 1973, and didn't release a solo album until 1971. In 1974, after recording an album with Paul, John got into a fight with Yoko, and they broke up for a year, during which John dated some other annoying Asian chick and made an album whose central theme was dreams. In 1975, John and Yoko were reunited, and they made one more album before settling down to raise a family in New York City. From 1975 to 1979, John and Yoko kept to themselves. John decided to write a musical, and recorded demos of the songs he wrote for the musical.

Paul made his first solo album in 1970. In 1971, Paul formed the hot new band Wings. In 1974, Paul recorded an album with John; it was never released. In 1975, Wings broke up, and Paul settled down in Scotland, making a new album every year or so.

George returned from his pilgrimage in 1971, claiming to be "changed". He never talked about any personal developments, he just said he was "changed". Although George had thousands of songs to record, he did not find himself very defined as a solo artist, so he just joined The Polyurethane Band and played guitar on some of John's songs until he finally found inspiration and began his solo career. In 1977, George was finally ready to start recording, but he was immediately distracted by the new movie Star Wars, then got involved in the production of Monty Python's Life of Brian. George did not make any solo albums in the 1970s.

Ringo was relieved of all stress by 1972, when he returned to England and made his first solo album, which sucked. In 1973, Ringo made another album, which sucked less. Throughout the 1970s, Ringo made more albums with increasing quality and decreasing sales.

edit 1980s

The 1980s were quite pivotal for The Beatles, quite pivotal indeed.

It all started in January 1980. John was excited for the 1980s. He was ready for another chance at success now that he had finsished writing his musical, but he decided to shelve it until he got enough money to put it on Broadway. And what better way to get a shitload of money really fast than to make an album? It had been five years since he made his last album, and he was finally ready to make another one. Of course, Yoko joined. This new album, titled Double Vision, was released in November. At first, everybody hated it, but then Mark Chapman killed John, so everybody loved it.

edit 1990s

In the 1990s, The Beatles reformed. Unfortunately, John could not attend recording sessions, being dead and all, but the three living Beatles tried many methods of bringing him back, if only briefly. They could not summon him as a zombie, as his body had been cremated. They performed a seance to summon his ghost, bearing no answer. As a last resort, as they simply could not play without John, they politely asked Yoko for the demos John recorded in the Seventies. Yoko gave them the tapes and trusted them with them. Paul, George, and Ringo put the tapes to decent use, recording fully-instrumented versions of the songs "Free FREE Free" and "Limerence". These tracks were later included in the Anthology albums.

edit 2000s

The new millenium saw George with serious problems. He was stabbed in the face by one of our historians, who had DOI in his system at the time. George had been diagnosed with throat cancer from smoking too much weed, and after the attack, he also had brain cancer. This eventually killed him.

edit 2010s

As it happens, Ringo doesn't do anything anymore. Paul does too many things.

Beatles Elf

The Beatles' album "Elf" was made one night after a lot of drinks at a London bar.

MusicalAbbeyRoad

(From left to right) The Grave Digger, the Corpse, the Preacher and God (on Abbey Road, aka Mac OSX Dock)

edit Did You Know?

  • Ringo Starr was the only Beatle to have a double chin. The other Beatles didn't eat. The last time McCartney ate was in 1958 when he had a fish, hence the famous song "Can't Buy Me Cod".
  • Recent statistical analysis by an MIT PhD reveals that at one point in 1966 The Beatles actually were more popular than Jesus, by 43%.
  • All of the Beatles music was influenced by the little known North Manchesterford combo called Oasis. 'Without Oasis, there would be no Beatles' Paul was once overheard saying in a haze.
  • George was the son of a certain Hairy Harry, who was the son of Harry's son.
  • Lennon’s real name was Johnny Bender, which he changed after going on holiday to Spain with manager Brian Epstein, as people might have got the wrong impression.
  • Paul McCartney’s real name was James Paul McKnickers, which suited him perfectly, as the subject of women’s underwear was constantly on his mind, and he was usually found thinking about them, trying to get into them, pulling them down, trying them on, and often wore them under his Beatle suit.
  • The 'Walrus' was actually Starr. This was a great insult to walruses.
  • Two Beatles haven't been stabbed or shot, even though Heather Mills tried her best.
  • The Beatles were a leading force in the British Colonization of Black Music, in which blacks were enslaved and forced to give up the 12-bar blues and instead write artsy "pop-rock" songs for white men (such as The Beatles) for little or no money.
  • Bob Dylan was introduced to hard drugs by The Beatles, and has never looked back in anger, preferring instead to get stoned with EVERYBODY, by force if necessary.
  • Ringo Starr was replaced by an orangutan from 1963 to 1968. Nobody noticed. They were busy looking at John to see if it really was John... or a walrus. No one knows for sure.
  • In Soviet Russia, The Beatles first single to be released was called, "Healthy Soviet Hand Wants to Hold You!"
  • On the picture where The Beatles were walking down Abbey Road, Paul McCartney wasn't out of step, John George and Ringo were.
  • The Beatles never went to Soviet Russia twice, hence the song "Back in the U.S.S.R." is just another clue to Paul being dead.
   v  d  e
The Beatles
John Lennon | Sir Paul McCartney | Sir Pete Best | George Harrison | Ringo Starr | The Fifth Beatle | Sir Yoko Ono
Albums
Thank Thank You (1962) | A Hard Gay's Night (1964) | Beatles For Sail (1964) | Hell! (1965) | Revolter (1966) | Revolver (1966) | Sgt. Lt. Pepper's Only Lonely Hearts Club Bandana (1967) | Ringo Needs Some Money (1967) | Tragical Mystery Tour (1967) | The Beatles: Ecological Number Ones (1968) | The White Album (1968) | Yellow Sub Machine (1969) | Crabby Road (1969) | Let It Be (1970)
Related articles
Beatlefication | Beatlemania | The Beatles In India | British Invasion | Liverpool | Paul is dead | McCartneyism | The Revolution: A history | Maxwell Edison | BBC | Beatles About | The Beatles Tribute Band | Mark David Chapman | UnNews:John Lennon denied resurrection for fourth time | The Rutles
Notable songs
"Back in the U.S.S.R." | "Hey Jude" | "I Am the Walrus" | "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" | "Why?:Don't we do it in the road?" |

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