The Beatles
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“Bigger than me?! That's not that hard to do, people back in my day were much shorter than they are today.”
“All you need ismoney--I mean, er, whatever.”
“If all you need is love and money can't buy you love, then why are you asking us all to give you money? Because that's what you want? FOR DRUGS?”
The Beatles were an Oasis tribute band. Lots of girls would throw their knickers at them on stage believe it or not. Nobody knows how they managed to get them off in the crowd. This musical phenomenon of the 1960s went on to release pop songs with success until the Sixties finished. And if you can remember the Sixties, you're a liar.
The members were four irreverent Liverpudlians, Paul MacArtrey, 'Dingo'Starfish, Hari Hari Georgeson, and John Lemmon. The massive success of the group was quite big, though musically they were consistently in the Shadows of Kerman's Kermits and the Dave Clunk Six. They are often seen as an Oasis spin off band, capturing similar looks to that of Noel Gallagher and Liam Gallagher.
A Passage to India
In the middle of taking carrots one day it was George's idea to visit the Maharishi Chicken Korma Yogurt Man in India and the rest of them agreed. The Maharishi was the head leader of a Indian tea/curry mediation association of hypnosis. However, it was here where they learned the tragic news: Gertrude Einstein had succumbed to relativity. The Beatles were crushed. The good news is that the tea wasn't that bad, and the curry was absolutely fantastic.
This tragedy was echoed in their panned TV film This Was All Paul's Idea Anyway which was about running away from a London bus named "Desire." In this film, either Pal or Jim, nobody really knows, it was probably Ram George Shri, maybe even Ringpull, thought they were a Walrus. This happened because they were hypnotized by the Maharishi Yogurt, known as Sexie Sadie. The other three Beatles thought they were rotten eggs, and that yellow mustard was dripping from their eyes. Later in one of the beatles songs titled "Stinky Onion", Jam said that the Walrus was Plum, but everybody thought Pablo was dead, so nobody believed him. Later after The Beatles broke up, and John went solo, he claimed in one of his songs "I was the walrus, but now I am John". This is probably true because he did go to therapy.
Paul tried to take over, but it made them all hate him. The reason they did a song a week now was that the few songs they did were a week long. Only "You Know My Name (Look Up My Mary Jane) has survived, and no wonder. They did all their own stuff by themselves, and even Eric Clapton. Some of it was atrocious, but they were tired of the contract as it had spoiled their Liverpool childhood. Hence the therapy.
Drawing a Blank
In 1968 appeared the double album that the band initially decided to call the Blank Album, later re-titled The Bible. The Blank Album was later interpreted as the foretelling of a great war called Helter Skelter by the great prophet Charlie Brown. Everyone thought he was a blockhead (common misinterpreted as "insane") but he had the last laugh when his prediction came true on April 29th, 1992.
Around this time, tired of getting shafted by all the greedy record companies, they decided to form a different kind of company founded upon their highest ideals that would attract young, untarnished talent to the industy and so, at last they could be the ones doing the shafting instead, though only for tax purposes. They christened this famous company the "Apple Cores", and began at once selling computers and portable music playing devices.
Winding Down
In 1968 Johnny met Hitler's half-Japanese daughter named Okie Nono Hitler at a cheap art show and they decided to get married straight away. They divorced days later and John married Yokel Onion. She contributed to an altogether sense of togetherness between the members of the band who enjoyed playing games with her. This all eventually backfired when Ringo was suffocated when the fab four were engaged in a dirty hide and seek romp with Yokel under a big white sheet (she farted), captured live on film during an interview in 1968 and only increasing the notoriety of Yokel Onion who was fondly immortalised in the memory of Western culture.
This led to the Beatles becoming heralded as an 'alternative' cult phenomenon. However many critics have considered them to be lacking genuine talent, relying on shocking their audience with bursts of noise which are of little aesthetic value and opportunistically riding the coat-tails of Onion and others.
They then planned to make a movie called "Get Back, Honky Cat" about the band rehearsing, recording and performing an entire album, but it wasn't very well planned and it took so long that they realised releasing the album "Get Back, Honky Cat" wasn't a really good idea now so they left it in the hands of a madman who completely altered the play list and completely changed everything about all the songs, including the lyrics. Everybody left except McKlein, so he left.
As they could not possibly stop with that one, and the Sixties were nearly finished, the Beatles began working on what was to be their last album called "Crosswalk at Abbey Street". After this album they went their separate ways and "Leave It Be", the madman's version of "Get Back, Honky Cat" was released. See "Beatles For Sale".
"Abbey Crunch" was as good as "Reveloving Door", except by then the words had stopped making any sense at all. And it was later, so it does not count. But by then, under the spell of James Hendricks Marshallcabinet, whom Hari had conjured with mantras and playing backwards, everybody decided that even three chords were a bit much, and you did not need songs. Led Zeppelin and Kiss were invented and everybody got rid of the harpsichord, which was a mistake as only Jimi was really good at it. Although the Seventies was the Sixties for everybody else, in fact the dream was over. Jimi and some other people died and the rest got drunk. The control freaks had been right all along and, discovering that the kids did not want the system, they sold it to themselves.
"Everyone But Paul Is Dead"
- main article Paul Is Alive
Before the group broke up, a fateful telephone call was made to an obscure Minneapolis radio station. A scientist informed shocked DJ's that a subliminal message in the group's albums revealed that everyone but Paul is dead. Earlier everybody thought Paul was the one dead, but they weren't sure and didn't know why. The news sent shockwaves through the world music community. Everybody was very confused.
Ringo was the first to go. The first to go. because in 1963, on the cover of Without the Beatles, Ringo's face is clearly not in line with those of his fabulous bandmates. On the cover of the A Hard On's Night EP, George is the only one with his back to the camera in any of the pictures, and he's the only one holding a cigarette. It's believed only George was distinguished on these covers because whatever entity was responsible for placing the clues decided the group's young fans might have trouble figuring out which pair of Beatles had died; John & Paul, or George & Ringo. On the cover of the Yelp! album, the Beatles hold their arms in semaphore positions, but rather than spelling Y-E-L-P as one might expect, it spells H-E-L-P? That meant an untimely death had befallen John and he had been replaced. In "I'm Looking Through You", Paul sings of the state of his friends and coworkers: "You don't look different, but you have changed...You don't sound different, I've learned the game/I'm looking through you, you're not the same."
Post Sgt. Lt. Pepper's work distinguishes Paul as the only surviving original member. One of the many figures on the cover of that album holds a hand over Paul's head, as if to bless him, and on the reverse, he is shown with his back to the camera.
All The Beatles fans were actually brainwashed into believing Paul was dead (they believe he was squashed as he roamed the town in this superhero beatle form), but the scientist showed proof, all was finally understood.
Then another scientist examined these claims and discovered that it was all a hoax.
Going Helter Skelter
In the 1980s, Michael Jackson the famous singer and plastic mannequin purchased the remaining Beatles' souls and placed them in his ranch in "Neverland". Many wondered if this was the real 'Pepperland' all along.
Come Together
Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Moon came together in 1995 to film Anthropology. George had to be woken up. It was released in eighty parts and they released a double CD one minute long for each part they released.
In 2003, the remaining members released "Leave It Be… nude version". This was the version they would've released before the madman swapped it all about. In this version, they had actually recorded the album totally nude like the title suggested; the original "Leave It Be" album was the session that they had recorded while being fed with rotten onions (Onions being a metaphor for Clark Kent).
"The Beatles Go #2" was released to commemorate the grammatically corrected versions of each time the boys made it into the toilet.
Recently a Beatles bootleg appeared entitled 'The Silent Album.' This album is 13 tracks (43.55 minutes) of silence. It was originally thought that it was another attempt by John Morrison to be regarded as the "Most Stupid Artist In History" by releasing work from beyond the grave, it has since been discovered that it was the lost tape for The Beatles 'Wangster' rapping sessions which Sir George Martin had lost in the post production stage. It was the only one that was not a week long.
Did You Know?
- Ringo Starr was the only Beatle to have a double chin. The other Beatles didn't eat. The last time McCartney ate was in 1958 when he had a fish, hence the famous song "Can't Buy Me Cod".
- Recent statistical anaysis by an MIT PhD reveals that at one point in 1966 The Beatles actually were 43% more popular than Jesus.
- All of the Beatles music was influenced by the little known North Manchesterford combo called Oasis. 'Without Oasis, there would be no Beatles' Paul was once overheard saying in a haze.
- George was the son of a certain Hairy Harry, who was the son of Harry's son.
- Lennon’s real name was Johnny Bender, which he changed after going on holiday to Spain with manager Brian Epstein, as people might have got the wrong impression.
- Paul McCartney’s real name was James Paul McKnickers, which suited him perfectly, as the subject of women’s underwear was constantly on his mind, and he was usually found thinking about them, trying to get into them, pulling them down, trying them on, and often wore them under his Beatle suit.
- The 'Walrus' was actually Yoko Ono. This was a great insult to walruses.
- Yoko Ono was once fired as a stripper, because she was overheard saying "Yoko love you long time for 75 mirrion dorrar".
- Two Beatles haven't been stabbed or shot, even though Heather Mills tried her best.
- Ringo's most famous single is titled Fuck Paul. Yes I mean you, McCartney.
- The Beatles were a leading force in the British Colonization of Black Music, in which blacks were enslaved and forced to give up the 12-bar blues and instead write artsy "pop-rock" songs for white men (such as The Beatles) for little or no money.
- Bob Dylan was introduced to hard drugs by The Beatles, and has never looked back in anger, preferring instead to get stoned with EVERYBODY, by force if necessary.
- On the set of A Hard Day's Night, John Lennon pressed his cheeks up against Ringo Starr's face and released a wet sounding fart. Ringo was obviously upset, and in turn, silenty released a fart of his own, waving it toward John. Upon smelling this, John was quoted as saying "Touche' Ringo"
- Ringo Starr was replaced by an orangutan from 1963 to 1968. Nobody noticed. They were busy looking at John to see if it really was John... or a walrus. No one knows for sure.
- Apple Corps created picture books (for children. DUH!) out of photos of The Insects, but with child-friendly captions added, eg 'John and Paul play with each other', 'Ringo plays with himself', 'John gives Paul love', 'George is doing it', etc., etc., etc.
- The Beatles were once regarded as Satan worshippers, with the release of their songs, "Lucifer in the Sky with Demons" and "I am the Reaper". This myth was disregarded as yet another drug trip song.
- There really was no such band as the Beatles. Every single person in the 1960's was on some kind of drug and the Beatles just existed collectively in everybody's minds.
- In Soviet Russia, The Beatles first single to be released was called, "Healthy Soviet Hand Wants to Hold You!"
- On the picture where The Beatles were walking down Abbey Road, Paul McCartney wasn't out of step, John George and Ringo were.
- Ringo once collected tea cosies, this was revealed after a raid of his apartment in 1964. Ringo's home page is : [1]
- The Beatles never went to Soviet Russia twice, hence the song "Back in the U.S.S.R." is just another fucked up clue to Paul being dead.
- In the 60's when the Beatles were almost popular, two teenage girls tried to handcuff themselves to The Beatles Limousine. They ended up attaching themselves to a car full of 3 very confused South Koreans and Yoko Ono.
- Ringo Starr actually wrote all of the Beatles songs, he was just never credited for it for example : "A Hard Days Ringo" and "Yesteringo!", also the less well known song, "Ringo Ringo Rosies"
- Elvis was Paul McCartney's mother in a Michelin man suit.
- The death metal band Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell claims that The Beatles were one of their greatest influences.
The Beatles' USSR #1 Singles
- Do Me, Love / P.S. I Love Your boyfriend (October 5 1962)
- From Me To You to the Next Person / Thanks for Nothing (1963)
- She Loves Him, Not You / I'll Get You Wasted (1963)
- I Want To Hold Your Cash/ Oops... This Boy Is Underage* (1963) *Copyright now owned by Michael Jackson
- I Want To Huff Your Cat / That Guy (1963)
- Can't Buy Me Love (Unless I Win the Lottery) / You Can Do That (But Only in Tijuana) (1964)
- Can't Buy Me Legs / Can't Buy Me Divorce (1963) - re-released (2006)
- A Hard On's Night / Things We Smoked Today (1964)
- I Feel Fuckin' Sick / He's A Woman (1964)
- Ticked Off My Bride / No It Isn't (1965)
- Another One Bites the Dust / No, We Didn't Kill Paul (1965)
- Fuck! / I'm Up and Down (I'm on a Seesaw) (1965)
- We Can't Work It Out / Gay Stripper (Censored as Hey Skipper) (1965)
- Yesterday (I Lost It) / Jack Naturally (and Prone) (1965)
- Ten Days A Week / Got To Get You Off My Life Insurance Policy (1966)
- Shitty Crack Fighter / Thunderstorm (1966)
- Eleanor "Aussie Rules" Rugby / Yellow Tambourine (1966)
- Strawberry soup for never / Penis Lane(1967)
- Lucy and this guy with lots of jewellery on/ When I sex for tea (1967)
- All You Need is Lunch / Maybe You're A Witch, Man (1967)
- Hello, Fuck Off / I Am The Waitress (1967)
- Help! My Appendix Just Burst / Ringo HAS A TINY DICK, i a i a ooo! (1965)
- In Soviet Russia, Ur asSeS aRe Back in YOU! / Everybody's Got a monkey to Hide Except me.
- Hey! You've Got to Hide Your Gay Away / We'll Have to Hide Our Love Away
- Lady, My Donut! / The Inner Bite (1968)
- Hang Jews (w/ The Black Panthers f/ KKKramer!) (1970)
- AAAAAAAA! / AAAAAA! (AAA, oh, oh, uh, o yeah, deeper, oh, oh , again!!!!)
- Back in the You Ass Ass Are / While Captain Picard Gently Weeps (1968)
- Back in the U.S.S.R. (NOT RUSSIA!!) / While My Didgeridoo Gently Weeps (1968)
- I Am the Walrus (1970)
- Lt. Oregano's very many friends in a musical group with hearts/With no help from friends (cause Ringo doesn't have any)/A Day with your wife
- Revolution 393.7 / Why Don't We Do It in the Road? (1968)
- Get Crack / Don't Put Me Down (I'm Not a Bloody Dog) (1969)
- The salad of John and Yoko"fuck this bitch who made the Beatles separate" Ono / and why the heck don't we ever cut our hair!??! 1969)
- Some Other Thing / Come Alone (1969)
- Hey, We Look Different?! / John's hair reached his ass!!!!! (1970)
- Leave It To Beaver / Gee Golly Mrs. Cleaver, Is Beaver The Walrus? (1970)
- Leave It Be / You Don't Know My Number (Look Up The Name) (1970)
- The Long and Winding Shortcut / For You Foo'! (w/ Mr. T) (1970)
- The Long and Winding Chode (1970)
- Across the Tune Is Worse / The Two of Us Crammed a Lot of Filler on This Album (1970)
- Pouring Scorn / Scoring Porn! (w/ Yoko) (1970)
- Rape and Back Bite Her / Tribute to Marv Albert (w/ Bob Crane) (The 90's?!)
- Helter Schmelter / Got to get some pot
UK Album Discography
- Please Please Yourself (I Love Watching You do It) (1963)
- Within the Beatles Without the Beatles (1963)
- A Hard On's Night (1964)
- Clowns For Sale (1964)
- Shit! (1965)
- Rubbeer Bollocks (1965)
- BB Gun (1966)
- Sgt. Pepper's Lonely I ♥ Huckabees Club Band (1967)
- Tragical Hystery Tour (1967)
- Ringo Needs Some Money (1967)
- The White Supremacy Album (1968)
- Abbey Street West (1969)
- Let It Bleed
- Anthropology I-LXXX (1994)
- Lt. Dan's Lonely Hearts Club Thing Remix Extravaganza (1995)
- Two (2000)
- Let It Bleed... Explicit Sexual Content Version (2003)
- Hate (Beatles Album) (2006)
Ps.: I Hate You, errr, I mean, during the year 1970, the Beatles fell in love with themselves and picked the album Revolver, originally from 1966, and released it 12 times, one each month, just to have free cocktail parties off EMI's ass more often. Them album sold a record number of 11 copies (on each month) and failed to reach 12th because Ringo's mom lost her pennies on a trip to China where she hoped to buy some crystal meth.
US Album Discography
- The Beatles do Wing (2003)
- Savage Auld Beatles (1812)
- BBC Lessons(1822)
- Have You Heard About The Beatles Lately? (1964)
- Beat the Meatles! (an unnoticed typo) (1964)
- The Beatles' Second/Third Album (1964)
- A Hard On's Fight (1964)
- Something Borrowed (1964)
- The Beatles' One Year Story (1964)
- Beatles Year Two, Album Either IX, X, or XI: '65 (1965)
- The Beatles of Two Years Ago Before Capitol Would Release Us (1965)
- Damn! (1965)
- Rubbers Bollocks (1965)
- Yesterday, Tomorrow... And Today... And The Day Everybody But Paul Died (1966)
- Handgun (1966)
- Sgt. Lt. Pepper's Only Lonely Hearts Club Bandana (1967)
- Sgt. Pepper's Finger Lickin' Chickin Stand (1967)
- Dr. Pepper's Tastey Beverage Can (1967.5)
- Magical Hysterectomy Tour (1967)
- - (Finally A Shorter Album Name) (1968)
- Yellow Submachine (1969)
- Abby Street West (1969)
- Hey Jew (1970)
- Leave It Be (1970)
- The Beatles Meet K*I*S*S* While K*I*S*S* Is Already En Route To Meeting The Phantom Of The Park But They Decide To All Watch J*A*G* And M*A*S*H* Instead (1970)
- Ringo Needs Some Money (1982)
- Anthropology I-LXXX (1995)
- Anthropology LXXXI - The sounds of Ringo scraping the bottom of a barrel (1997)
- Leave It Be... Nude Version (2003)
- Hate (2006)
- Twist and Die (An album about Paul and Ringo's coming of age, and deteriorating joints) (2007)
- Paul's Dead- songs include: (Paul's Not Dead)
- About Time To Dig Through The Beatles' Seemingly Endless Back Catalogue And Shit Out Another Special Edition Album, Right? (1988-present)
Kuwait Album Discography
- Wednesday Morning, 3 A.M. (1964)
- Sounds of Silence (album)|Sounds of Silence (1966)
- Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme (1966)
- Bookends (1968)
- Bridge over Troubled Water (1970)
Filmography
- A Hard On's Night (1964)
- Help Yourself, Loser! (1965)
- Help! 2: Electric Boogaloo (1966)
- Tragical History Whore And How This Was All Paul's Idea Anyway p.s. cause he's dead man (1967)
- Yellow Tambourine (voiced by imperfect clones) (1968)
- The Beatles meet Namor the Sub-mariner (1969)
- Let us Pee (1970)
- Stoned (2005)
- The Beatles: One Night in Paris (Video footage from the famous 1967 concert) (2006)
- The Long and Winding Abbey Road & Apple Get Back off my Frog (2006)
Upcoming Films
- We Told You Royalty Stole Our Ideas (2008) (pre-production)
- The Beatles: A Night at the Roxbury (2009) (complete but will be release as "The Homeless: A Night with Michael Jackson)
- One Virgin: Yoko's Story (2009) (announced)
- A Disgrace of Percussion: The True Feat Unconquered (2010) (announced)
- Gigli
- The Beatles: Rattle Your Jewelry Up There (2012) (Royal Documentary)
See also
- Anti-Beatles (a much better band)
- Beatlemania
- Beatlefication
- British Invasion
- Rutles
- The Shakesbeatles
- Batles
- Flying Pigs
- Hey Jude
- Revolution 393
- Tickets
- Beatles About
External links
Barmy British Stuff | The Beatles |
|---|
| John Lennon | Paul McCartney | Pete Best | George Harrison | Ringo Starr | The Fifth Beatle | Yoko Ono |
| Albums |
| Thank Thank You (1962) | A Hard Gay's Night (1964) | Beatles For Sail (1964) | Hell! (1965) | Revolter (1966) | Revolver (1966) | Sgt. Lt. Pepper's Only Lonely Hearts Club Bandana (1967) | Ringo Needs Some Money (1967) | Tragical Mystery Tour (1967) | The White Album (1968) | Yellow Sub Machine (1969) | Crabby Road (1969) | Let It Be (1970) | The Beatles: Ecological Number Ones (1968) | Hate (2006) |
| Related articles |
| Beatlefication | Beatlemania | Beatles In India | British Invasion | Liverpool | Paul is dead | McCartneyism | The Revolution: A history | Maxwell Edison | BBC | Beatles About | The Beatles Tribute Band | Mark David Chapman | UnNews:John Lennon denied resurrection for fourth time |
| Notable Songs |
| Back in the U.S.S.R. | Hey Jude | I Am the Walrus | Why?:Don't we do it in the road? | |
