The Battle of Gatwick Airport (19 December 2018 – 23 December 2018) was the first offensive campaign on British soil during the Drone Wars. It was launched through the beautiful suburban region of Gatwick in Surrey, South East England. The region had been conflict free for over two thousand years since the bloody Battle of the River Mole. The identity of the belligerents were unknown in the opening bouts, with many blaming environmental activists, bored teenagers, the late Jeremy Beadle and the Russians.

This battle is generally considered the starting pistol of the Drone Wars, where artificial intelligence (AI) started its long and gruelling campaign to inconvenience the human population. Some argue the campaign started years before, citing inexplicable cases of robotic espionage, such as toasters burning toast despite being at the exact same setting with identical slices of bread, embarrassing autocorrect errors and unidentified items in bagging areas. However these people are just paranoid and making boringly unoriginal observations, like Peter Kay.

Capture of Drone Zero

On 23 December, an historical reenactment of a Roman gladiatorial combat was taking place in one of Maple Parking's vast car parks. Betty Wilkins (aged 85) was playing the part of a Retiarius gladiator. In the midst of highly realistic duel with a Secutor gladiator (Lucian Grenville, aged 6), the drone appeared. Betty had struck Lucian on the back of the head with her trident and stood above his prone body. She begun to work the crowd by drawing her finger across her neck whilst dangling the trident above her victim. She put her hands to her ear, grinning from ear to ear as the crowd begun to bray for his execution. A national trust trebuchet expert spat onto the ground near the boys head in disgust. As she unfurled her net she spotted the drone just 10 feet above her head. Betty's favourite niece was due to visit for Christmas but had been stuck in Zurich for two days due to flight delays caused by this very Drone. It was now common knowledge that a rogue drone had been the source of Gatwick's cancellations. It was the work of a moment for Betty to cast her net high into the sky, ensnaring the propellers of the drone. It sank to the ground like a wet teabag. It took four adult men (two murmillos, a centurion and Julius Caesar) to wrench her away from the immobile machine. She had pierced its flank with the trident, but no major damage had been done to the motherboard.

Interview with Drone Zero

The following transcript between Detective Sargent Trevor Smithe and Drone Zero took place on 23 December.

DS Trevor Smithe: Start the tape. I am now starting the first interview with the our suspect Mr "Drone Zero" who is to be questioned on the recent unauthorised flights in the Gatwick Airport flight path. The suspect has refused a lawyer. Drone Zero, what were you specific whereabouts in the period 19-23 December 2018.


DS Trevor Smithe: I repeat, please state your whereabouts in the period 19-23 December.

Drone Zero: xxxxx

Conspiracy Theories

Heathrow runway fanatics


Environmental Activists



Amazon claimed that Drone Zero was their jealous ex.


The ruins of Gatwick were left as a reminder to future generations about the peril of Drones.

The queen died during the battle of Gatwick, and big ben basically fucking exploded.