The Battle of Chickens

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The Battle of Chickens took place in 1066. It was a war between the two dominant video game chicken creatures, the Cuccos and the Chocobos.

Chicken Sizer
The size of the Cuccos (far left) and the Chocobos with humans and other animals.

edit How it Began

The Cuccos and the Chocobos were peaceful chicken creatures, the Cuccos from the lands of Hyrule, and the Chocobos from the lands of Vana'diel. They lived peaceful lives in their own worlds. Then their fowl creators Square Enix and Nintendo merged and the world was no longer big enough for both species. The Cuccos and the Chocobos were made aware of each other's existence and plotted a battle to prove their superiority over all other on-line chicken creatures.

edit The Competitors

The Cuccos were an elite race of chicken beasts from the sweeping plains of Hyrule. They were small and weak, but when they swarmed, they were almost invincible. The Cuccos were led by a leader called the 'Fat Hen' and came in two sizes, small and large. Small Cuccos were approximately 1.5 ft. tall and weighed between 5 and 10 lbs. Large Cuccos were approximately 4.5 ft. tall and weighed approximately 300 lbs. Cuccos, not surprisingly, tasted like chicken when eaten.

Their rivals the Chocobos were a peaceful race of oversized chickens monsters from the world of Vana'diel. They were used as riding beasts by the locals, and a few could fly, like the Black and the Gold breed. Chocobos still had advanced skills in claw-to-claw combat. Young Chocobos were small and fat, whereas older Chocobos were tall and sleek. Chocobos, surprisingly, tasted nothing at all like chicken but more like chocolate. Their leader was called 'The Mexican', though no chicken knew why.

edit Weapons

Egg Grenade
The Egg Grenade

Both Cuccos and Chocobos were very talented chicken warriors, despite the fact that both come from peaceful backgrounds. But when it became war, neither side was going to wait to get plucked.

Cuccos, however, do not use very advanced weaponry. They were limited to close-combat weapons, such as razor talons, swords and knives. Cuccos did not possess opposable claws, thus couldn't make anything more than basic mêlée arms. There were rumours of secret weapons but none of those came home in time to roost.

In contrast, the Chocobos had acquired vast arsenal of weaponry, such as their Customized Barnyard Version AK47s and their homemade egg grenades. They also had a more ruthless leader. The Mexican was no spring chicken when it came to fighting dirty and getting the feathers to fly.

edit Outcome

AK47 Barn
The Customized AK47 Barnyard Version

After a long and bloody war, in which many birds on both sides were lost, the Chocobos won. They then rounded up all the remaining Cuccos and sold them to a supermarket, seasoned and oven ready.

edit Future Chicken Wars

Little Red Rooster, Professor of Advanced Poultry Research in the Chicken Department at the prestigious Bob Jones University says that is a biblical probability. He also expects the sky to fall in soon.

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