The Astelins

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“Really, I had nothing to do with them!”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Astelins
“We learned just about everything from them, especially the wanking”
~ Paul McCartney on The Astelins
“In Russia, conjoined twin separate YOU!”
~ Russian reversal on The Astelins
“I'm real! Dammit, I'm real!”
“Oo-oo ahhh, oooooooo!”
~ The Astelins

The Astelins were the greatest doo-wop band of all time. They were led by Sutchen Astelin and his conjoined twin brother Grabsum Astelin. They recruited A. "Fricken" Ferry and his imaginary friend Willie in 1956 and recorded their first record "Feelin' Gay" on a portable reel to reel recorder in Sutchen's Philadelphia bathroom apartment.

edit Early Years

Abandoned by their parents when they were born, Sutchen and Grabsum were raised by a crazed monk who lived under a distillery named Keith.



He named the boys from a vision he had from not eating properly. Keith gave the boys a diet of moldy rye bread and gin, which caused them to sing frequently. Keith called this the "Keithorian Chants" and would join in with the boys until one or both passed out. Keith was found dead after a putrid smell filled the distillery that only a half-drunk employee recognized as not being fermented grain. The boys were taken into state custody and placed at the Ted Haggart Ranch for Boys in Butte, Montana. It was here they were pseudo-surgically separated by a ranch hand named "Doc" with a boning knife "'cause I was sick a lookin' at dem freaks."

edit Working for free

After separation both boys noticed they were much more useful. They also noticed their freaky twin psychic abilities increased. The Haggart Ranch realized the boys were worth twice as much when they would drive them into town every Saturday night. Tired of working for free the boys ran away one night after telepathically communicating to one another to meet up at the bus station. It was here they realized that they had no money and decided to sing some of the songs Keith taught them. After about three days, they had enough money for both of them to get back to Philly.


"The boys" working in Butte, before separation

Upon their arrival, they realized they had no money to support themselves and decided to again sing outside of the bus depot. After about a week they had enough money for a small bathroom apartment in an alley behind the bus station. Here they would eat moldy rye bread and sing "Keithorian Chants" to their heart's content. Whenever they needed money they would just go back out in front of the bus station and sing until they had enough for whatever they wanted, usually gin. They would get the moldy rye bread from a bakery trash bin. It was there they met A. "Fricken" Ferry and his invisible friend Willie, and invited them over to their bathroom for moldy rye and gin. Willie at first refused, but "Fricken" talked him into it after a lengthy argument.

edit Fate or just bad luck


Willie, in a rare photo

The boys really hit it off, but Willie just wanted to go home the whole time, and nearly ruined the afternoon. After an ample amount of moldy rye bread and gin Ferry began to fall right in and harmonize with the boys. When out of gin, they went back to the bus station, and it only took half an hour to get the money they needed because with "Fricken" and Willie they really were really rockin'! Their hat was overflowing with cash. They bought a banjo and a portable tape recorder and began recording their songs, the first of which was "Feelin' Gay." After about an hour they had ten songs, among them "I Am Glad To See You," "Touch Me There," "That's Not My Finger" and "Stuffed." They took them to famed Philadelphia music promoter "Vinny" Satan the Devil who quickly wrote them out a huge check. They were so excited when they left they weren't paying attention and were hit by a dump truck and killed instantly. Only Willie survived, but hasn't been seen since. Reportedly, he has been sought to appear on "Dancing With the Stars."

edit see also

edit references

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