Released in 2005 and starring comedians such as George Carlin and Billy the Mime, The Aristocrats was a box-office hit, partially due to its sophisticated nature. Throughout the years, the film has been beloved by audiences around the world, both young and old. However, no movie is complete without deleted scenes, and now, for the first time ever, all five rejected comedians' acts are available for your viewing pleasure, so sit back, relax, and enjoy The Aristocrats, the Deleted Scenes.
If you lost your virginity before you could talk, you might be an aristocrat.
If you have a foreskin, but no penis, you might be an aristocrat.
If you wipe your ass with another part of your body, you might be an aristocrat.
If you masturbate to live-action bestiality involving your parents, you might be an aristocrat.
If you eat human eggs for breakfast, you might be an aristocrat.
If you ever used a dildo to lubricate a dog's vagina, you might be an aristocrat.
If you don't use a condom because dead people can't get pregnant, you might be an aristocrat.
If you thought that The Human Centipede was a biography on your parents, you might be an aristocrat.
Jeff: So Achmed, what kind of jokes are popular in the Taliban?
Achmed: Did you hear the one about the man who tried to steal a Jew's penny?
Achmed: The Jew killed the man!
Jeff: Achmed, you can't tell jokes like that. I don't want anyone to get offended.
Peanut: Then you'd better put a bag over your head, Jeff-fa-fa.
Achmed: Okay, I have another joke. A family walks into a talent agency. There's a mom, a dad, a daughter, a son, a dog, and a cute, adorable baby. The dad says, "We've got the most amazing family act that you have to see." So the man grabs his wife, rips off her skirt and chops off her ass cheeks with a chainsaw while the son takes a big shit in her mouth.
Walter: That would be nice.
Jeff: Achmed, this joke is even more offensive than the last one.
Achmed: But I left out the part with the Catholic priest and the little boy.
José Jalapeño: Would you like to see my steek?
Achmed: Silence! I kill you.
Peanut: Hey, Jeff-fa-fa.
Peanut: You're gay.
Jeff: The Aristocrats, everybody!
I tell ya, I’m alright now but last week, I was in rough shape, ya know?
Last week, the kids tried to shove a live kitten into my asshole. Then, my wife tried to eat it.
I tell ya, my wife, she can’t cook. When I was roasting our daughter, she burned the gravy.
And we got no sex life, either. Me and my wife like to talk after sex, so we stopped putting cockrings on the children and had a conversation.
I mean it, that’s the story of my life, no respect. I don’t get no respect.
When I used to play hide and seek, the dog ejaculated in my face while licking the baby’s vagina. No respect, I tell ya.
When the talent agent asked me what it was called, I said, “The Aristocrats,” and he said, “You’re ugly.”
Jesus went into a clearing and he did see a shepherd in the distance
And Jesus did approach that shepherd
And he did find that the shepherd was masturbating on top of a young boy
And it was good
And the Lord did send down two virgins
And the shepherd did rape them with cucumbers
And he did strike upon the virgins with the shattered bones of a partially devoured infant
And the virgins did die
And the shepherd did indulge in the act of necrophilia
And Jesus did say onto the Lord, "What doest thou call this?"
And the Lord did respond, "The Aristocrats."
~ Psalms 69:13
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