The Al Pacino Academy of Shouting
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The Al Pacino Academy of Shouting or TAPAS, located in The Bronx, New York City, United States, is a performing arts conservatory which was founded by legendary actor/philanthropist/gangster, Al Pacino in 1962. Its members are informally referred to as "Abrasive Motherfuckers", and it trains about 800 undergraduates, graduates, dropouts and stoners in the Al Pacino Dramatic Method, better known as SPEAKING VERY LOUD AND VERY FAST IN A VERY MENACING MANNER... YOU FAIRY!!!
In 2007, the school received 811,649 applications for admission, of which 149 were admitted after being personally hand-selected by Al Pacino. Over half of these dropped out after a week of Pacino's verbal abuse.
On Aughust 12, 1962, Al Pacino was sitting on his front lawn in The Bronx, polishing his guns and getting tanked on Coronas, when his neighbour Martin Sheen's son, Charlie, wandered out on to his lawn and began playing with Pacino's weaponry. It was from the events following on from this that he realised he could pass on his knowledge of acting to others. An excerpt from Al Pacino's Autobiographical Screenplay, You Don't Know Me, Motherfucker, along with accompanying illustrations and stills from the film itself has been permitted for publication on Uncyclopedia. This is also a prime example of the acting style taught in the Academy, as well as possibly being some of his finest work.
After watching Charlie Sheen brutalise two nuns under his careful tuition and instruction, Pacino realised that he had a talent in not only intimidating the shit out of people, but teaching others how to do it aswell. In place of the large amount of money he was owed for his films, due to the Earth's being in short supply, he accepted some large real estate, as well as building contractors paid for by the government to do any extensive work on his newly acquired property. Al then set out to find an Architect to design the Academy in an edgy new-age style. After much deliberation, he finally settled on hiring Keanu Reeves. The two were already close friends, as Reeves had used his time travel machine to go back into the past to meet Al Pacino. Keanu had also brought several of his own films from the future to show Pacino, of which he highly enjoyed. He especially liked The Lakehouse, commending Reeves' credibility as a Design Architect. It was on this film, that he based his decision to hire Reeves.
“At first i was like, whoa...Al Pacino wants me to build him a house...and then i was like, whoa...I'm gonna need to smoke a PHAT sack of weed to do that shit!”
Reeves studied many books on Design Architecture, as well as smoking his way through over 350 kilograms of Marijuana. For breaking the milestone of 30 Kilograms in 15 days (roughly 400 blunts/day), Reeves was sent a congratulatory bottle of Champagne by his dealer, Samuel L. Jackson. Construction of the first version of the Academy took Reeves approximately 4 days in his doped-out state. The first version looked like this:
However, upon coming down from his high, and Al Pacino commenting, "What a piece of Shiiiiittttt!", Reeves stopped his drug binge momentarily and went back to the drawing board. His final, sober attempt at creating Al's Academy produced this:
Al was greatly impressed with Reeves' new effort, hailing him as a "visionary vanguard"...whatever that means...in Design Architecture.
“Hoooo-ahh! This shit is fit for a ruler of a country!”
In payment for his work, Keanu Reeves was rewarded with the leading role in one of Al Pacino's future films, The Devil's Advocate, which in Reeves' original timeline, starred Joaquin Phoenix in a role that would have personally validated his acting career, and led him to a 50-year long string of high box-office grosses and dozens of Academy Awards.
The Al Pacino Dramatic Method as it survives and is taught today, exists mostly from a set of guidelines laid down by Al Pacino 5 years after the Academy's founding. Since then, it has been refined by other students of the Academy, or is further developed whenever Al releases a new film. Although there have been variations of the style, such as Christian Bale's own adaptation; "When In Doubt, Growl It Out", which was in turn adapted by Gerard Butler into "When In Doubt, Shout It Out", the foundation guidelines have been the major acting basis for any student of the Al Pacino Dramatic Method.
The AP Method can be split into 5 Main Sections:
- Trademark Expressions
This can be considered to take into account all 5 areas. However, an Actor's aggressiveness can also include his stance, personal space and facial expression, as well as other techniques.
Swearing(Using Singular or Combinations of Words)
Ground words (To ground your Co-stars into dust)
For Example: Asshole, Bastard, Chicken, Damn, Dick, Dickhead, Fuck, Motherfucker, Shit
Incendiary Words (More Personal and therefore more Offensive Words)
For Example: Chink, Cunt, Faggot, Fairy, Jew, Jap, Nigger, Queer, Retard, Slut, Whore.
An Actor under this method can employ a variety of tricks with Volume Manipulation in order to intimidate and destroy anyone posing as an obstacle towards whatever goal.
An Actor may choose to deliver an entire monologue, shouting and screaming at the top of their lungs. However, those who are inexperienced may find it difficult to sustain this during anything long than 5 lines. Al Pacino's personal record for sustaining this approach has been his entire one-man show of Hamlet.
An Actor may alternatively choose to start at a middle-level volume, and then slowly descend into a lower-pitched volume level, lulling the listener into a false sense of security. Then when they least expect it, shout out the next lines at a high level volume, preferrably throwing a prop at the listener, or banging one of the props onto a solid surface at the same time (E.G. Walking Stick on a table, telephone at a costar, baseball bat to a television)
There is NO sustained low-volume approach in the Al Pacino Dramatic Method. Go to the Robert De Niro Academy of Mumbling if you're looking for that crap.
This is considered possibly one of the most important Aspects of the Al Pacino Dramatic Method, and most often cannot be taught, but rather the actor is born with it. Sarcasm an incorporate a whole host of techniques, including Metaphor, Simile, Irony, Lists, Impersonations, Contradictions, Ellipsis, Ellision and Under/Overstatment
In this example, Al is angry at his workmate for pretending to be doing something for the good of other people, when it is really for himself.
- Idiot Method Response: "You are a liar and you are doing it only for yourself..."
- Al's response: "Oh, what a big man you are! (Impersonating) Heeeeeeeeeeeyyyyy, Let me buy you a pack of gum, I'll show you how to chew it!"
In another example, Al (pretending to be blind at the time) asks a person applying to him for a job how his skin is. The Person (Charles) rambles on for what seems like hours about how he had one or two zits, but then he got his friend dave to lend him his Clinique Acne Scrub blah blah blah...
- Idiot Method Response: "You are talking too much..."
- Al's Response: "The History of My Skin, by Charles Simms!"
The Al Pacino Method also requires that Students add their own personality quirks and catchphrases to the style. These can often be used in conjunction with the quiet-then-loud-surprise volume approach, in which the catchphrase can be used as the surprise word.
- "SAY HELLO TO MY LIL' FRIEND!"
- "CRAZY FOOL!"
- "I'm A BAD MOTHERFUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER! YOU DIG???"
- "ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER!!! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!"
- "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKIN' SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN' PLANE!!!"
- "I'm going to shove my foot in your ass!"
- "BITCHES LEAVE!"
- "OH HELL NAAAAAHHH!!"
- "FUCK YOU!!!"
- "HASTA LA VISTA BABY!!!"
- "COME ON KILL ME, I'M HERE! KILL ME NOW!!!"
- "ITS NOT A TUMOR!!!"
- "PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN! NOW!!!"
- "GET TO THE CHOPPER!"
- "WHO TOLD YOU YOU COULD EAT MAH COOKIES!!"
- "ITS FU-CKING DIS-TRAC-TING!!!"
- "KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS! I WANT YOU OFF THE FUCKING SET YOU PRICK!!!"
- "I SAID NO!!!"
The Academy tuition staff, informally identified by pupils as "The A-Team"
|Al Pacino PhD||James Woods BSc(Hons)||Gunnery Sergeant R. Lee Ermey||Mr T BA(Baracus)||Dr. Kurtwood Smith (Red Forman)|
|Principal and Special Guest Lecturer||Head Lecturer||Drill Instructor and Field Expert||Chair, Michael Richards Department of African American Culture||Admissions Officer and School Therapist|
- Christian Bale - B. S. in Tyranny at a High Volume, M. S. in Raging Savagery, MAEd. in Tyranny at a High Volume, MFA in Half-Voiced Snarling, Ed.D. in Swearing at a new level of anger. MBA in flipping people off. MDA in beating the shit out of people for no reason. Doctorate in Volcano Language, thesis, Post-Modern Deconstructional Sexuality Epithets in the Decibel Range of Space Shuttle Escape Velocity: An Interview with Shane Hurlbut. Went on to found The Christian Bale Institute for the Criminally Insane.
- Jack Black - Went on to become Principal of the School of Rock
- Michael Bay- Two PhDs., theses, "Directing Black People" and "Mexicans Running and Screaming Swear Words at the Top of Their Lungs."
- Russell Crowe- M. S. in Telephone-heaving
- Tom Cruise - Dropped out of the Academy to specialize in Scientology
- Ice Cube - Ghetto Sponsorship
- Mel Gibson- Master of Arts in Bitch Slapping and Bachelor's in Racial Slurs
- Samuel L. Jackson - Considered by many as Mr T's greatest protege.
- Eddie Murphy - Expelled for bringing Transsexual Prostitutes onto Campus
- Edward Norton - MAEd in Whining and Rhetorical Speaking in a Wimpy Little Bitch voice
- Joe Pesci - Honorary Doctorate, submitted Thesis: "If I were Danny De Vito...I would crack ya fuckin' skull open!"
- Arnold Schwarzenegger- B. S. in saying "motherfucker"
- Charlie Sheen - One of the Earliest Members. Honorary Doctorate for yelling "You Motherfucker!" at Tom Berenger and then slamming his head into the wall during Vietnam.
- Tom Sizemore - Honorary Doctorate as Al's way of apologizing for posting that sex tape on the Internet.
- Will Smith - Created his patented "HELL NAAAAH!" catchphrase under Pacino's guidance
- Wesley Snipes - Honorary Doctorate for not paying taxes...Al got confused and thought he didn't pay Texas, which is hardly a crime.
- Sylvester Stallone- Flunked out because nobody understood what he was saying
- Denzel Washington - Honorary Doctorate for helping Al host Training Day
- Bruce Willis - Because Al didn't have the heart to say no...
- Robert de Niro - Honorary Doctorate because Al felt sorry for de Niro's own Academy not being as successful.
- Keanu Reeves - Special Admittance for building the Academy. Flunked, first attempt. BFA Thesis, second attempt, The Devil's Advocate.
Rivalries and Defections
Since the Al Pacino Academy of Shouting's inception, it has been constant rivals with The Robert De Niro Academy of Mumbling or RDNAM. RDNAM was itself, developed in response to Pacino's academy of acting, as De Niro has always felt the need to keep up with and copy anything Al Pacino does.
As well as having to keep track of The Robert De Niro Academy, Pacino has also had to deal with The Gary Oldman Academy of Actors Who Are Either Schizophrenic or Paranoid of Being Typecast But Don't Mind Being Part of A Group With A Fucking Huge Acronym, also known as TGOAAWAESPBTBDMBPAGWAFHA. But that's okay because no-one takes them seriously.
Due to the diversity of the three academies that Actors can join, there have been some incidents where actors have defected from one to another, or have even been in more than one at the same time. Christian Bale is notable for being the only actor ever to be in all three schools at the same time. Keanu Reeves also has a strange relationship with the Academies, due to having single-handedly built the Al Pacino Academy, yet his acting style lends him to the Robert De Niro Academy of Mumbling, creating a paradox as to what his affiliation is.
Rivalry with Bale
Soon after graduating from the Pacino Academy, Christian Bale formed The Christian Bale Institute for the Criminally Insane. After losing money for the school, he resorted to receiving funds from Pacino, who was not so happy that his former student was whining to him a finances. This resulted in the first Bale-Pacino War,a six and a half day conflict that ended in the two forming a truce after a Mexican Standoff. This truce, however, did not last long as four years later, Brad Pitt and Edward Norton started the anarchy-related Bale-Pacino War II. This lasted for eight days and was largely due to a misunderstanding. The Bale Institute is not considered one of the three academies as it does not even contain the word in its exceptionally long full name. It is, however, considered a rival.
TAPAS has been criticised by Feminists for its no-females admission policy. When brought before the Board of Feminism for questioning, Al Pacino was mostly unresponsive towards them, and when he did reply, it was mostly in offensive slurs and insults to women whom he deemed "too ugly to act".
“Whoever told you that you could work with men? You stupid fucking cunts. You fairies.”
In a later interview with the more attractive Kristen Bell, he was more amicable in his discussion of the issue. He went on to express that he felt Women were not physically or emotionally capable of acting in such a style as Al Pacino's, and therefore admitting them for tuition would be pointless. Afterwards, he asked Kristen Bell for her phone number, successfully...Hoo-ahh!
|The Al Pacino Academy of Shouting|
|Al Pacino | Bruce Willis | Charlie Sheen | Christian Bale | Denzel Washington|