# The 23 Enigma

The 23 Enigma is a widely popular numerology superstition that everything goes back to the number 23, which is considered a very mystical number yet is also significantly feared. In 1999, a group of Harvard professors and doped-up stoners founded a theory, which claims to prove that everything in the universe traces back to 23:

$\cfrac{U + \cfrac{TS}{BG}}{PM} * 0 + 23 = 23$

Where U = Universe; TS = Testicle Size; BG= Barry Gibb; and PM = Phase of moon.

The formula proved to be successful, understandably igniting "23 fever". This caused a mass panic in what most people thought was The End of Days. Jesus received much more attention, the Pope met with world leaders to discuss who was going to Hell first, and Pat Robertson's dick grew two inches. Most people thought the world would end at the stroke of midnight, January 1st 2000, and Armageddon would come in the form of a Dark Lord that spewed seven swords of fire unto each continent and summoned the deadly beast within the bowels of Hell! It turns out that the only problem was that some computer clocks couldn't work. Which for some reason would result in the Apocalypse. After some local Nerds (with help from the west side Geeks, a rare event that had never occurred before - east side Nerds and west side Geeks working together) fixed the problem, everyone was back on the internet looking at porn, with no more fear of their penis getting blown off on New Years Eve. No seriously, people believed this.
See that finger? My dick is about that big!

## The 23 Enigma (film)

The 23 Enigma is the popular 2004 film directed by Oliver Stone and written by David Icke, starring Jim Carrey, Nicholas Cage, Tom Hanks' hair, Nicolas Cage's hair, some French chick, Ray Romano (in a stunning date rape scene), Queen Latifa, Jim Carrey's hair, Tom Hanks' pubic hair (which is also awkwardly distasteful), and a brief cameo by Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo.
File:Tom-hanks-5.17.jpg
What do you mean you don't like my hair?!

The movie starts out in a library, with Walter Sparrow(Jim Carrey), an average middle-age man, going through shelves of books. He comes across a little red book, and looks inside. He discovers that the book is about Communist sex positions. Then, he finds another little red book, which is about "The 23 Enigma". He starts to become obsessed with the book, and soon discovers that everything in his life adds up to 23 - his social security number, his date of birth, his marriage day, his IQ - all 23. His wife demands that he go see a psychiatrist to cure his obsession (and dope him up real good). His
File:1172185856-number23.jpg
Goddammit, did you guys write on my face again!?
psychiatrist, Benjamin Gates (Nicolas Cage) studies the book and notices that several clues insinuate an ancient treasure, past down for thousands of years, which is now somewhere in the United States, and the location must have something to do with 23 ('cause that's what the movie's about, right?). So the psychiatrist decides to call up one of his comrades, Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks' hair), who might be able to help them. Robert says that a man was murdered in the Lourve museum in Paris and that that might be a clue. So Walter, Benjamin, and Robert head to Paris. When they arrive at the Lourve, they find a museum curator brutally murdered. The clues that are etched into his body ("Da Cripz wuz herr" and "I did your mom last night") lead the three to believe that the treasure was buried somewhere in Washington D.C. When the get to Washington, they must steal the Declaration of Independence...for some reason. Anyway, after squeezing some lemons on it, they discovered a secret code: "Geekazoids report to the dancefloor".
File:Dec.JPG
It also doubles as a color blind test.
This puzzled the three, so Robert Langdon called up his old colleague, Sir Leigh Teabag, a historian, oh yeah and he's gay too. I know, totally doesn't fit the mold. Anyway, this old gay British dude helped decipher the code. He said that Benjamin Franklin was the butt of jokes in the group, and many times George Washington and the gang called him "Geekazoid". So it had to do with Benjamin Franklin. He then said that "dancefloor" either meant the Old North Church or the Vatican. Oh, thanks a lot, you tea-sipping flamer. So the group decides to go to the Vatican first. There, they discover another code etched into an obelisk in the center of St. Peter's square: "THIS LOOKS LIKE A BIG PENIS, RIGHT?". Indeed it did. And then, it seemed as if all the pieces fit together - 23, geekazoids, the murder in the Lourve, the obelisk, the Washington monument, they all had one thing in common - PENISES. And the Old North Church looked like a big dick too! This was surely where the treasure was. They boarded a plane back to the states and arrived at the Old North Church. But trouble awaited them. A mysterious albino dude had been pursuing them the whole time, and now he was hot on their tails! Silas!...no, wait, Edgar Winter. Wow, Edgar Winter is in Opus Dei? Ha, I never knew that! Hey, you learn something new everyday. Anyway, Edgar Winter unleashed all of his shining albino power (I know, that's an oxymoron) unto the three and they were struck down in his awesome whiteness! But what's this? The clouds are fading, the sky is brightening...the sun is coming out! Albinos are powerless under the sun! The three made a run for the church, and found a secret passage to the basement. They crawled down the dark stairs and found...THE TREASURE! In all of its glory, a hidden treasure passed down for thousands of years!
File:B0000024Z3.01. SCLZZZZZZZ .jpg
MY EYES!!!!!!! (that's Edgar Winter)
Open it....open it! What?! This is the treasure?! Used syringes and birth control pills?! We came all this way for this?! This isn't a treasure, it's more like Kate Moss' handbag! Oh and look, the Holy Grail. Ugh, it looks like someone already drank out of it. Well this is just great.
File:PdCUWTP0002.jpg
The holy grail.