From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“In Soviet Russia, The 'Beetus gets YOU!!”
“We've got the 'Beetus, we've got the 'Beetus, we've got the 'Beetus. Yeah!”
“Hello, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabeetus”
“I'm surprised there's not an Oscar Wilde quote on this page”
"The 'Beetus" is an advanced form of Diabetes, commonly called Type 17, and originally thought to have originated in 9000 B.C. around Northern England and transferred via toxic smug emissions, vaginal discharging or through infectious "'Beetus Birds" (usually pigeons). It has been proven to be deadly and/or fatal.
The 'Beetus was, and is, the first known form of diabetes, which is generally considered odd as it is an advanced form of the Diabetes disease and it was discovered before the orignal disease. The 'Beetus is transported either through very toxic smug emissions, though vaginal discharging, or through an infectious bird termed as a "'Beetus Bird." These "'Beetus Birds" have only been recorded as seen and/or captured and killed a select handful of times due to the fact that if you as so much make eye contact with one, the 'Beetus Bird, due to it's sore, swollen testicles and resulting agression, which are symptoms of The 'Beetus on flying mammals, will violently attack you using it's feet, testicles, and beak within a matter of seconds and transfer the disease through rapid and violent contact. Only a few known people have survived an attack from a 'Beetus Bird, one of those people being Oatmeal connoisseur and Liberty Medical virtuoso Wilford Brimley. After this recorded attack in 1799 after running away from his father's small Quaker farm located somewhere on the East Coast, he began to fight the disease while being treated, thus forming Liberty Medical. His fight was sponsored by Chuck Norris.
As stated earlier, The 'Beetus is believed to have started in 1791 in the Nothern England countryside. It's exact forming is unknown even to this day, but the first transfer of the disease came from a diseased penis, which now these diseased pigeons are called a 'Beetus Bird, that violently attacked a man named Oscar Wilde. The disease left Mr. Wilde unable to properly digest foods like Milky Way Bars and Pepsi Cola. It was also during this time and years to come soon after that Mr. Wilde would be heavily involved in the Uncyclopedia phenomenon and grace the site with his lovely quotes and facts. Mr. Wilde recovered from the disease some five years later, a few years before Mr. Brimley's attack. However, the next man to contract The 'Beetus disease and continue the transfer of it, Mr. Wilde's doctor Charles Manson who helped to treat his sickness, wasn't as lucky as Mr. Wilde and Mr. Brimley. The photo of his body before death is shown at the right.
The general symptoms of The 'Beetus disease include:
- The inability to process certain foods (and/or factual information).
- Extremely violent fits of rage.
- Random cravings for oatmeal (this manages to partially explain Wilford Brimley's endorsement of the food).
- Erectile Dysfunction
- Anal Seepage
- The rare and unexplained boost in growth of man boobs.
- The urge to perform random acts of incest.
- Melting flesh (in advanced stages before death).
- The appearance of Aunt Bea from The Andy Griffith Show (in advanced stages before death).
- Considering auditioning for the "scooter store" commercials
- Mispronunciations such as "diabeetus" and "nucular".
- Disappearing nipples
- Can't see your dick anymore because of your fat rolls.
- Bloody cum
As of 2007, only two cures are known to work. Other cures are still being discovered through the scientific community.
- The Oatmeal Diet/Oat Therapy: Mr. Brimley pioneered this specific treatment in 1988 with fellow and original 'Beetus victim Oscar Wilde. It includes force-feeding a victim oatmeal for several hours before the victim's body accepts it as insulin or whatever. It has one downside, and it's that it makes people who subject to the treatment homicidal for a few brief moments. Mr. Brimley is known to have used this treatment on himself.
- "The Benjamin Franklin Method:" One of the first treatments, this little known discovery of Franklin's was found in between his invention of bi-focals and electricity. It involves coating a victim in volcanic ash for several hours, submersing them in a vat containing a 20/80 mixture of tar and animal semen soon after, then removing them from the vat and giving them a vitamin suppository through the anus. It is proven to have a very low success rate.
Update In 2012 it has been discovered that rolling in butter while being bacon-fed does nothing to cure the 'Beetus.
Appearances In Popular Culture
- Programming: In 2005, hackers released the "'Beetus Syndrome" virus through e-mail, which would show a bowl of hot, steaming oatmeal on a person's computer screen before the computer's OS system would become corrupt and the harddrive would implode upon itself like a dark star.
- Hell: It was rumored that Satan, before his discovery of pure evil as a fuel, which now can power the Toyota Prius, tried to convert the anal excrement of 'Beetus victims into an alternative energy source.
- Movies: In October 3000, a classic tragedy/horror movie which features Mr. Brimley and is directed by Quentin Tarantino will be released. The movie is about Mr. Brimley's encounter with one of the first 'Beetus Birds and what happened to him soon after. There is reportedly a swimming scene which graphically shows Brimley transferring the disease through sexual intercourse. Although it was previously demanded that the scene be removed, it has been confirmed it will stay for the theatrical release and subsequent DVD release with an Unrated rating.
- Television: In June 2006, ABC featured a mini-series written by Stephen King concerning Oscar Wilde's encounter with the deadly 'Beetus.
- Literature: Oscar Wilde wrote a play and a few quotes about The 'Beetus. They can't be featured here because manuscripts are rare and are not yet on the internet for reading, though legend does say that Mark Twain himself hid the manuscripts in Atlantis and that they are guarded by deadly Beetus Birds.