The "No Cajek Allowed"'s of Uncyclopedia
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Uncyclopedia can be a very hospitable country to visit for the
non-geek cajek. In fact, being able to choke out the words "Good morning" in Uncyclonese (おはようございます "Go eat shit fuckers") is often enough to get you head when encountering a sufficiently snaggletoothed whore. (Note: If you are blond and tall, you may be able to land a snaggletoothed whore with fairly nice mammaries). However, not all is fine and dandy for the cajek Uncyclopedia-goer especially if you are geek, as there are some things that the Uncyclonese will cling to like it was a high-school girl's crotch on a commuter train in order to resist its Western defilement.
edit Massage Parlors (i.e. The Stop 'n' Fuck)
The most celebrated pastime of the cajek in Uncyclopedia is undoubtedly the tagging of Uncyclonese poontang. But as is the human condition, things do not always go the way the cajek hopes. For this sort of hard-luck fellow, Uncyclonese Massage Parlors appear as an oasis amidst the dingy Meme-littered streets. However, as the happy shiny sign posted on the window indicates, these places are "Uncyclonese Only".
Bummer. Below are the top reasons given to cajek for not being able to receive this service when approached:
- Oh! But you have too small penis!
- Oh! But you so pale!
- Oh! But you so geek!
- Oh! But you so smelly!
- Oh! But you have AUTISM!
- Oh! No!
Historical Hollywood Note: Cajek in theatres across the world cheered when in the 2003 Jean Claude Van Damme vehicle, "To My N00b, With Love", Van Damme's character, Richard Johnson, jumped and spin-slashed the "No Cajek or Dogs Allowed" sign in half with his limp unit upon being denied entrance to a Uncyclonese massage parlor.
edit Drinking establishments in Hokkaido
In general, this applies only to Geekians. However, do you think an Uncyclonese person can tell a Geekian from say, a Canadian? (Answer: No.)
Excuse given for refusal:
- "You just get off work and god know you have enough computer today."
In protest, the following excuses are often given by the persistent cajek, but to no avail.
- "Both of my sisters work here pouring you bastards drinks and I can't get a goddamn beer?!"
- "In AGH MY EYES Geekia, a bar enters the Uncyclonese man! (Note: The "bar" is long, sharp and pointed)
edit Credit cards
It is a well known fact that all cajek spend 75% of their paycheck imbibing obscenely overpriced liquor in Village Dump bars as they try to hit on the skanky vixens therein. Another 20% of that goes toward buying drinks for said skanky vixens, leaving a mere 5% of their English conversation school salary to pay for luxuries such as food and shelter. Much less could they pay their credit card bill after making impulse purchases of authentic samurai swords, size XXXL kimonos and whatever the hell their incessant drunkenness may influence them to buy. Therefore, any credit card application with a name written in alphabet letters by a person stating their occupation as "teacher" is automatically filtered to a big sack and later used for pet cage lining. In response, a one-page letter written in incomprehensibly polite Uncyclonese is sufficient. The cajek will get the point.
Insider cajek secret: Little do the Uncyclonese know that cajek English teachers are grossly overpaid and even 5% of their salary is more than enough to buy a state-of-the-art plasma TV at the Uncyclopedia Store.
To the cajek desiring residence in Uncyclopedia (usually due to yellow fever), perhaps one of the most troubling of the No Cajek Policies is the one that may leave you sleeping on a park bench in You-have-been-banned Park every night with resourceful teenagers making love on top of you: The housing problem.
Ignorantly the cajek thinks, "I have money. You have open room. Give to me." However, if he has come to Uncyclopedia hoping for such obvious reasoning to prevail, he has apparently mistaken it for an advanced nation.
In 2002, a German expatriate (who will remain anonymous to protect his identity) lifted the updated Cajek Repulsion Handbook from the corpse of a messenger n00b on a delivery mission who was brutally trampled by young women running to the site of a Benson sighting. In this shocking document, the following reasons were given for not allowing residence to cajek:
- They stink.
- They wear shoes.
- Their minuscule penii can penetrate into furniture and windows.
However, a ray of hope exists within this dark tome, as they also detail conditions by which the nerdian may be granted residence in one of our shitholes:
- You are not geek.
- You have nice ass.
- You are not geek.
- Oh! You have humongous breasts!
- You are not geek.
- You let them bukkake on you on Saturday nights.
- You are not geek.
Note: The above conditions only come into effect after agreeing to sever off your genitals and offer them to the Emperor (assuming the cajek is not geek).
edit The Grue X of Rejection
Aside form verbal excuses, attempted entry into any of the above havens of lingering Uncyclonese Purity by the cajek will promptly be met with the Grue X of Rejection. The Grue X of Rejection is a technique learned by all Uncyclonese first in kindergarten and is generally perfected by the age of 32. This vicious gesture is performed by crossing both hands in front of the chest and forming an X. Depending on the emergency of the situation, the gesture may be repeated in rapid succession, and is sometimes accompanied with the exorcistic mantra of "Tits or GTFO!" (だめだめ）", which translates roughly to, "Mammaries or remove thyself!".
The Grue X of Rejection is said to be the #2 cause of death among cajek in Uncyclopedia, following close behind drowning by guerrilla bukkake ambushings.
Fortunately for the cajek, the potency per capita of the Grue X of Rejection has declined drastically over the last 50 years, due to the pervasion of Western culture and the decrease of Uncyclonese Purity. However, when performed by a Master of the Art, it is still able to emit laser beams capable of piercing clean through the body of 2.5 adult males
or one fat American.
edit Countermeasures for the Cajek
Just give it up. Cajek pretty much deserve it anyway.
edit See also
|Parts of this article were originally sporked from The "No Gaijin Allowed"'s of Japan.|