HowTo:Bluff Your Way to Political Power

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Also look out for the placemat version of this article, now available in Downing Street, The House of Commons canteen and Little Chef restaurants.

“Politics? Erm, uh.. isn't that when a parrot swallows a watch?”
~ Boris Johnson on a bit too much coffee[1]

Right, so you have decided you would like to become a politician. For this, one is required to have a distinct craving for power, a skill in deceit and a hunger for cash. Ordinarily, for regular Joes like you or I, now would be the time to turn away, to dispose of your desire to become a politician and take on something simpler such as testing pizzas, for these are the necessary tools in the world of politics[2].

However, for the kind at heart, honest types such as you or I, fear not. Follow the steps outlined in this guide and take the easy route to becoming the next Tony Blair, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush or David Cameron.

Actually, scrub the last one.

Already a liar politician?

Please, continue to read. You may learn something they didn’t tell you about in Law/Comprehensive/Sunday school. After all, you have nothing to lose, right? Well, maybe your respect, if anyone finds you have been viewing articles on the Internet again, especially since that regrettable 'incident'.

Step One: Find a Scapegoat

Freeicecream

Gimmicks can work, especially if you don't necessarily pay to rent the van and the ice cream...

First off, you need some sort of platform on which to launch your political career. This can come from many sources, but we suggest StalkerSpace. After all, it’s where the Arctic Monkeys started out - look where that got them[3]. Failing this, buy yourself a suit[4] and a loudhailer, drive through the streets of your local run-down poor areas of your town, bellowing "Vote for us, You have the power!" to the musical strains[5] of (I Got) The Power by the popular beat combo Snap.

This should fool those gullible, impressionable idiots with more hope than money into thinking you actually care about them. It will also create the illusion that you have a respected team of campaigners, when in actual fact you are the only member of this party. Should this incident come into greater prominence later on in your career, simply utilise the power of the white lie that you will have no doubt developed at this point.

Flavour of the month

Once you are in some sort of position of respect/authority achieved by your newfound popularity, now is the time to weigh up the options. You are going to need a scapegoat. Take your pick from the wealth of issues currently adorning the front pages of the country’s media, there are literally hundreds of viable targets. Immigration, terrorism and misbehaving celebrities are all fair game.

An atmosphere of fear

Hovercar3

Remember to be subtle in 'appropriating' items, unlike in this case. Never mind, there are always people to blame.

The next step is to work out which of these is actually going to invoke the most emotions in your followers. Since you are more than likely dealing with poor, homeless tramps, it would be a good idea to pick on rich people. However, really it does not matter so much since all these people have ever known is cold soup, bits of bread thrown for the pigeons and stealing the wheels from Fiat Puntos. They'll be so high on Toilet Duck they won't have a clue what's going on.

This means you get to rob rich peoples' houses, a novel fringe benefit of socialising with the underclass. Watch out for the fuzz, though – these capitalist pigs may severely hinder your quest to become a successful politician – just ask Jeff Archer. You also get to go on croquet holidays and leave a trampdude in temporary charge.

Tip

Try slipping a little something into the milkshakes

If you have actually become quite successful by this point, select the option that strikes the most fear into the heart of your constituents. Creating the atmosphere of fear is vital so you can sneak up on them and tap their shoulder when they least expect it, feeding that strange urge for power fix which you will have developed by now.

Failing this, it might be a good idea to take over the local branch of McDonald's with your tramp team. This won’t do your reputation much good but it will fuel your minions with greasy, fatty foods giving them more energy to maul once you advance on the council offices of your local MP/politician.

Step Two: Hide behind your Scapegoat, er, 'team'

Blairpowder

Following this incident involving the Ribena Liberation Front in the House of Commons, it is now compulsory to wear purple suits.

By now you most likely will have built up a cult following and will easily walk the local elections. Congratulations, you are now the local MP. Since you are almost flat broke, however, you will need to be frugal, spendthrift and cunning. Simply appoint your now faithful street dwellers to help you, thus acquiring the collective knowledge (and thieving qualities) of a whole team of drunks and sucker-ups. This will be very useful when you make it into power: for one thing you will easily win the daily shouting and slanging matches at the House of Commons. Also, you will have someone to blame everything on if things go balls-up[6].

Now you have a base, a certain amount of respect and a Ferrari F50 (which was officially 'bought from eBay' but was in actual fact 'acquired' via other means) it's time to shoot for the Big Time.

Step Three: Creating a manifesto

Next, you will need to write a manifesto. Basically take your inherent values and claim the exact opposite. For example:

Statement Your actual viewpoint
We hold the utmost respect for the people. We listen to what you have to say and act upon them accordingly with endeavour and intrigue. The general public are conniving bastards. Nothing they say should be taken seriously. After all, what do a load of KFC-munching, TK Maxx wearing illiterates know?
We care about your child’s education. We're getting a lot of complaints from school headteachers, the middle class goons keeping us in power.
We want to reach out to ethnic minorities. Give them a fiver and say, 'Would you do my garden?' [7]
Prosperity for all. Prosperity for me.
We shall fight in the Middle East until our work is done. We shall fight in the Middle East until the oil runs out.
Education, education, education. Misappropriation, misappropriation, misappropriation (of funds).
We will ban smoking in all public places. We will ban smoking in all public places except pubs, bus stations and restaurants, after a long period of law enforcement in one major city only.

Wording protocols

In addition, there are certain protocols with regards to wording. Use the following chart to aid in writing your manifesto:

Tip

Tip: Always remember to never admit you are wrong. After all, you are never wrong. Of course.

Ordinary word Acceptable substitute
Error An "unreliable source of information"
Lie A "misplacing of the truth" due to an "unreliable source of information"
Mistake An 'anomaly', most likely caused by an "unreliable source of information"
Unemployment Crime
War A "conflict of interests," stemming from an "unreliable source of information" [8]

You will also need some sort of catchy slogan to convey an illusion that you actually care. Make a point of repeating what you consider ‘important’[9] issues thrice. For example, "Adjudication, adjudication, adjudication" and most importantly "procrastination, procrastination, procrastination".

Actually, scrub the last one.

Next, you will need to find a method of communicating your manifesto to the masses. This will differ according to your local constituency - whilst more upmarket areas such as Tunbridge Wells might just about be able to decipher a newspaper, for most places it would be more wise to scribble on toilet walls something like "that XXXX[10] chap is a nice fellow. I would vote for him any day," or "vote for XXXX and get free condoms on the NHS". This should be sufficient to enter the hearts and minds, not to mention the blood stream of the non-voter.

Alternatively, set up an online video blog for instant popularity and hilarity. Be sure to talk about such hard hitting issues as war, terrorism and the gender gap whilst making a cheese and pickle sandwich. This will cover both the web geek and the sandwich makers association votes in one go. For extra votes, include fluffy kittens, puppies and walks in the sunshine whilst constantly moaning about the weather and tea being 'not as good as it used to be'. This should appeal to the stupid and the gullible a wider range of potential voters including the over-60s and the easily influenced.

Step Four: Enjoy Your Leadership

London2006

Propaganda posters are a big plus. Just try not to be too Nationalist...

Now you are in power, it is time to enjoy things. Take a few liberties, you’ve earned them – skip the queue at Wal-Mart, don't bother tipping at restaurants (not that you did that before...), take whole trays of free samples from Morrisons and give yourself a hefty payrise at the expense of your minions.

Tip

Use your imagination – who in your cabinet owes you one?

When times get hard, the odd cash settlement for a Doctorate will tide you along, as will inadvertently 'leaking' a story to the News of The World regarding your Home Secretary/Minister of Foreign Affairs and their Zimbabwean Nanny, which, it just so happens, is living in your country illegally.

Step Five: The important part

Mint

Time to move up in the world: buy yourself a fancy new home.

The final step is to ensure that nobody, not one soul, gets his or her hands on this article. Do everything you can to stop people reading this. If this means destroying the computer, so be it, but make sure it is not yours, or a least you didn’t pay for it. Also remember to back up your collection of illegally downloaded episodes of Lost and Have I Got News For You. After all, you’re going to need something to watch during those long days doing nothing in 10 Downing Street/The White House/Your plush yacht in International Waters/your grave.

And Finally...

For further advice on how to cope with the inevitable fall from grace after the brief, intense period of leadership, see Politics. The author would have included them in this article, but due to insufficient funding this is unfortunately not possible in this term. [11]

Footnotes

Harding1

Warren G. Harding, seen here moonlighting as Alfred Hitchcock, fully endorses this article and all its contents.

  1. Or something. You can never tell with that guy.
  2. No, not pizza testing, you berk: the thing about corruption I just mentioned. Whoops, I mean, "economical handling of the truth".
  3. Actually, this got them nowhere, it just looks good. In fact, that's why this is a footnote and not in the main body of the article, okay?
  4. A gorilla suit is preferable
  5. The word 'strains' here being rather appropriate in more ways than one.
  6. As you may have noticed by now, scapegoats are big business in the world of politics
  7. This one courtesy of Hugh Dennis.
  8. You get the idea here.
  9. Only important to the public, not you. What are you, some sort of gutter rat?
  10. Insert your name here, or people will think you're offering free Castlemaine.
  11. The more ‘politically minded’ of you will have noticed that this is, of course, a lie. Well, what did you expect? This is politics.


See also

External links

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bluffing your way to power.

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