That time I nearly X during my sojourn in a Y

It looked kind of like this, only fucking psycho.

Dude, that fucking thing was huge. Like, WTF?

So there I was

<verb>ing my <noun>, doing my <noun> thing with this <verb> shit and the <noun>, right? Like, <job title> shit.

and this fucking <noun>

bursts out of the trees, <noun> all over the place, and instead of going for these tiny <noun>, he goes straight for me.

so I pulled out my

<noun> and start shooting like a madman, and it tries to <verb> me! WTF?

I barely got away with a major <medical term for a common injury 1> and a severed <medical term for a common injury 2>.

No, seriously. I really <description of what I did>